Marriage Advice

[diswedwish]

I don't really have advice per se, just want to say that I can relate somewhat. We'd been married over 2 years; things were tough for most of it. Marriage had seemed like the logical "next step" for us as well. I had been feeling vaguely unhappy for a while - just didn't feel like we had the same goals in mind. I believed that we had open communication, and thought that I understood him and vice versa. We both were going to counseling, although not together as a couple. I figured that for me it was a phase, that it would pass, or it was just a natural progression of marriage to go from feeling love to feeling more friendship than anything else. For his part, he'd bring me flowers every week, wrote me poems every night, and seemed totally devoted.

Then 2 months ago I discovered something I couldn't just pass by as a phase. I found some emails he'd sent to a 13-year-old girl, with pictures - him declaring how much he loved her among other things. I was floored and had no idea what to do - so we talked about it. Later that night I found more stuff he'd hidden. When I confronted him it turned violent (on his part). First time for that as well. The next morning I moved back in with my parents. At first I would talk with him on the phone, but every call just reinforced my decision (none of this was his fault, he didn't need to continue therapy, etc, etc). I've seen a lawyer, and hopefully the divorce will go through soon.

All of this has been difficult. One of the many difficulties is trying to convince myself that divorce is okay. I never thought when we got married and said our vows that anything like this would happen. I thought that if you meant your vows, that any difficulty you encountered could be worked through if both of us were committed enough. Everyone has been supportive of my decision (except him of course), but I finally realized that even if my family refused to have anything to do with me, or my friends told me how stupid I was to leave, I had to do what I felt was best for me in my situation. It has been hard to be alone sometimes, to know that what I thought would last for a lifetime barely lasted 3 years. But I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to spend the rest of my life with him...

I'm not saying your DH is hiding anything from you or that he's doing anything wrong by-the-way!!!! I'm also not telling you to stay or to leave. I just thought you might like to hear from someone who has recently left their marriage.

When it comes down to it you can talk to your friends, you can talk to your therapist, even us here on the Dis. But no one but you knows how your marriage is going every second of every day. Only you will know what you feel is best. So good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope that you are happy with your decision

 

[FreshTressa]

No advice...

But the book "Divorce Busters" saved my marriage

 

[vettechick99]

Guest, I hope your appointments go well.

What I did want to say, that I think some people are missing, is that the OP thinks she married the wrong person from the get-go. Not that "the honeymoon is over", she's now annoyed with him, or it's turned into more work than she thought. I honestly don't think that's the case.

IMO, for a marriage to work you need basic components. The most important ones being a best friend, someone you respect and someone you are passionate about. That last part is soooooo important and I think people dismiss it. Sometimes I want to throw my DH out the window, but we have such chemistry and passion, it makes me want to work it out. It's that something extra that keeps me around because I know it's so hard to find. Point being, if that passion isn't there, the marriage is just a glorified friendship.

I may be way off, but I think that might be what's going on here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I too think that it is possible for someone to, as the OP claims, be kind of on auto-pilot. The whole love/marriage/passion and hopes/fears thing is sometimes very very confusing... And, it could all sound fine, on paper.

I am not just saying that the 'passion' could just be missing here. It is possible that there could be incredible chemistry and passion with the entirely wrong person!

Likewise, I think that one could have the same life-goals and outlook and desire for commitment as somebody else (that comfort and stability), yet it could be the entirely wrong person

I think that 'marriage', and the connection that makes a good marriage, and holds it together, is very hard to define. I think it is something that is very tangible, yet not readily visible.

I know that I would not want to go through life and marriage fearing that I had made a mistake, or settled....
I only would want to go through life and marriage fearing that I might lose my other-half.

My marriage has been FAR from perfect. But, no matter what, I thank God for my DH every single day!

 

[California Girl]

IMO, for a marriage to work you need basic components. The most important ones being a best friend, someone you respect and someone you are passionate about. That last part is soooooo important and I think people dismiss it. Sometimes I want to throw my DH out the window, but we have such chemistry and passion, it makes me want to work it out. It's that something extra that keeps me around because I know it's so hard to find. Point being, if that passion isn't there, the marriage is just a glorified friendship.

This isn't a flame, just a question. When I married, I vowed, in sickness and in health. As we age, the passion still exists, but it evolves. I would hate to think that were I to develop a chronic illness, where I wouldn't be able to exist as I do now, my spouse wouldn't use that to claim that there was no longer chemistry or passion. Dementia is prevalent in my family. My spouse knows that and has seen the deterioration in my parent. I hope that I can trust in the knowledge that they will be there for me even when I lose my own self awareness...till death us do part.

 

[mickeyfan2]

This isn't a flame, just a question. When I married, I vowed, in sickness and in health. As we age, the passion still exists, but it evolves. I would hate to think that were I to develop a chronic illness, where I wouldn't be able to exist as I do now, my spouse wouldn't use that to claim that there was no longer chemistry or passion. Dementia is prevalent in my family. My spouse knows that and has seen the deterioration in my parent. I hope that I can trust in the knowledge that they will be there for me even when I lose my own self awareness...till death us do part.

This is when you see if the spouse really loves you.

 

[disykat]

This isn't a flame, just a question. When I married, I vowed, in sickness and in health. As we age, the passion still exists, but it evolves. I would hate to think that were I to develop a chronic illness, where I wouldn't be able to exist as I do now, my spouse wouldn't use that to claim that there was no longer chemistry or passion. Dementia is prevalent in my family. My spouse knows that and has seen the deterioration in my parent. I hope that I can trust in the knowledge that they will be there for me even when I lose my own self awareness...till death us do part.

Great post. ITA! I figure my dh is like my kids - I can't just toss him out because I don't like him right now. Of course, there are reasons for divorce - but I don't consider "I'm just not feeling it right now" one of them. I think the fact that the OP refers to her dh as her best friend is a good reason to fix things.

I think the passion probably did exist at one time. People get very selective memories. I remember my SIL telling me during one of her pregnancies "I never got sick with my other babies". I just rolled my eyes because I remember how sick she'd been. Saying "I never loved him" is the same kind of thing. Sometimes it's hard to remember the past without the present coloring it.

 

[mariolatry]

This is probably TMI but DH have never really had what you would call a "passionate" relationship. We did not go through that "new couple, over-the-moon, sex all the time" phase. We were, and still are, best friends. Sex is an emotional connection for us. When we got married, I worried a lot that we did not have that "passionate" phase. It wasn't that I missed it so much, but that I thought I SHOULD miss it. I thought it foretold something awful. Finally, my marriage counselor said "Couples get married for lots of reasons. That passion isn't so important in the long run." Now that we have a baby and he's working all the time, our marriage is just like all the rest of our friends' marriages that have been married longer than a few years (if that makes any sense). I don't miss it. Other people tell me I should, but those are mostly my unmarried friends!

However, I know lots of people for whom passion and excitement are the end-all, be-all. If the OP feels this way, there is no way around it.

 

[MerryPoppins]

This isn't a flame, just a question. When I married, I vowed, in sickness and in health. As we age, the passion still exists, but it evolves. I would hate to think that were I to develop a chronic illness, where I wouldn't be able to exist as I do now, my spouse wouldn't use that to claim that there was no longer chemistry or passion. Dementia is prevalent in my family. My spouse knows that and has seen the deterioration in my parent. I hope that I can trust in the knowledge that they will be there for me even when I lose my own self awareness...till death us do part.

This is really personal, and not something that I easily talk about. Some will probably say "Why is she sharing this on a chat board?" But I'm hoping it will make people think.

I love my DH with all my heart. And the chemistry has always been there between us. However, since I had breast cancer I take the drug Tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen. My libido has dropped significantly. It's not that I love my DH less or feel differently about him. It's just the passion isn't there in the same way. Nothing feels the same as it did before. Everything has changed. But he still loves me and I still love him. We're getting through it, but it's rough. Neither of us like it, but it's the hand we've been dealt. We love each other enough to stick it out and hope things get better when I'm off the drug. I asked if he thought I should stop taking it, and he says he'd much prefer to have me healthy and like I am, than have the cancer come back. He's a special guy.

I guess that is why I say if your DH is your best friend you should be willing to really search your heart. Our relationship was built on a friendship and grew to be much more. So even with passion lacking, we still have that closeness to work with. I think a marriage is like a stool. You have to have several legs to hold it up. Passion is just one of them. Our passion leg is a little short right now, but the other legs are sturdy and it's keeping us standing.

 

[disykat]

Then 2 months ago I discovered something I couldn't just pass by as a phase. I found some emails he'd sent to a 13-year-old girl, with pictures - him declaring how much he loved her among other things. I was floored and had no idea what to do - so we talked about it. Later that night I found more stuff he'd hidden. When I confronted him it turned violent (on his part). First time for that as well. The next morning I moved back in with my parents. At first I would talk with him on the phone, but every call just reinforced my decision (none of this was his fault, he didn't need to continue therapy, etc, etc). I've seen a lawyer, and hopefully the divorce will go through soon.

All of this has been difficult. One of the many difficulties is trying to convince myself that divorce is okay. I never thought when we got married and said our vows that anything like this would happen. I thought that if you meant your vows, that any difficulty you encountered could be worked through if both of us were committed enough.

Yours is an example of why divorce can be best for some. I hope you turned him to the police!

 

[vettechick99]

This isn't a flame, just a question. When I married, I vowed, in sickness and in health. As we age, the passion still exists, but it evolves. I would hate to think that were I to develop a chronic illness, where I wouldn't be able to exist as I do now, my spouse wouldn't use that to claim that there was no longer chemistry or passion. Dementia is prevalent in my family. My spouse knows that and has seen the deterioration in my parent. I hope that I can trust in the knowledge that they will be there for me even when I lose my own self awareness...till death us do part.

Well let me add my definion of passion/chemistry. It totally not the take-me-right-now sexual component, because we all know that doesn't last. It's that connection you have with someone that you don't have with anyone else on the planet. That special bond you feel, even though you can't pinpoint it's nature. It's that feeling, I can't stand him right now, but I don't want to be apart from him. If that is lacking in a marriage from the beginning, then what exactly do you have?

I have a straight male best friend. He and I are so close, I tell him I love him on the phone. Do we have something special? Sure! Is it that special bond that DH and I share? No way. That is the connection I mean -- the reason you chose your DH in the beginning.

Am I making any sense? I think we've gone into the marry for friendship vs. passion debate, which has no right or wrong.

Anyone want to discuss refillable mugs?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with these latest posts too!

At the beginning of this thread, I too thought that the OP must have gotten married because there was something there.

But, as the thread has progressed... I have wondered if this were the case. The OP and her husband were in a long-distance relationship. First, that might have made it hard for her to know if she really and truly loved him or not. And, most importantly. I know that when my DH and I were apart early in our relationship, every moment we were separated was hell!! We loved each other and we knew we wanted to be together. We counted the moments until we would see each other again, and until we could be married. This is how it is when you love somebody and have that connection with them. (NOTE: connection, not just passion.) But, from what the OP has posted, she indicates that this was not how it was with her.

I am not making any determinations here, or issuing any judgements. But, I do think it is possible, just possible, that the connection and commitment were never really there. We really can not know just from a few posts on the DIS.

Now, I firmly believe in marriage vows!!! I know that there are days that "you are just not feeling it." I am just not so sure that this is where the OP is coming from. Whatever the reasons, she seems to have some serious reservations about continuing the marriage and bringing children into the situation.

So, if the vows were just on auto-pilot, and were a mistake, and the love and the connection were never really there after all. I can not see perpetuating or compounding a mistake. Two or three wrongs do not make a right.

I can see that many people are strongly against divorce under almost any circumstances. I lean that way myself!!! However, I do not think it is right to make those determinations and judgements for what is right in a situation where you really do not know the person or the details.

I do think that the OP is doing the right thing by going into counseling, and taking the time to sort through all of it and to come to the determination as to what is best. I will give positive credit for that, and withold any other advice or judgments!!!

And, as far as selective memories, like the morning sickness. It is not the joyful things that we first forget. I would like to point out that we tend to let go of the memory of the uncomfortable parts of our experiences, and hold on to the joy. We remember all the wonderful experiences we had at Disney, but we do not focus on the chunk it took out of our wallet, or how much our feet hurt at the end of that day while we watched the fireworks burst over the castle.

 

[Christine]

The OP and her husband were in a long-distance relationship. First, that might have made it hard for her to know if she really and truly loved him or not. And, most importantly. I know that when my DH and I were apart early in our relationship, every moment we were separated was hell!! We loved each other and we knew we wanted to be together. We counted the moments until we would see each other again, and until we could be married. This is how it is when you love somebody and have that connection with them. But, from what the OP has posted, she indicates that this was not how it was with her.

This, too, is the part that concerns me. I haven't gone back to recheck the original post, but if I remember correctly this seemed to be an internet relationship turned into long distance romance? Now, these long distance romances can be VERY romantic and emotionally charged. Each time you see each other it is bittersweet, knowing that it is usually just a short time. Every conversation is about "when will I see you again" and "all the wondeful things we will do when we get together again." Each meeting, in and of itself, is a mini-honeymoon. I'm sorry but this is a very false reality to make a judgement about love being there or not. I'm sure, AT THAT TIME, the OP probably was caught up in the excitement of a new romance, the intrigue of the long-distance aspect, and the rush she felt during all their meetings. For a young person, this can VERY EASILY be mistaken for "HE'S THE ONE !!

The OP was going to do the "right" thing and attempted to move in with him and see how "normal life" would affect the relationship. First mistake was falling for the in-laws threats.

Anyway, my guess is that she has discovered during her 2 years of marriage that what she originally felt was probably not "real." By the way, I think I read somewhere that it takes about 18 months for the love/lust endorphin/pheramone thing to run it's course. I say she's hitting that right about now.

So, yeah, I guess I can see where she kind of wakes up one day and says "did I really ever love him?"

I wish the OP would come back and give us a bit more information on how she felt in the early days during the L.D. relationship phase, and what she has "discovered" about her husband since living with him. Just a bit more insight might clear up the picture.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Christine,

The OP did state that she was not really excited about the wedding. I think this is really telling about their earlier relationship. You know, a bride who is head-over-heels in love, planning the biggest day of her life, marrying the wonderful guy who is 'the one', so that they could finally be together after a long distance relationship, would obviously be just beside herself.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I only got to page 2 of the replies, but I can't get over that you told your husband that you might not have ever loved him. I would imagine that hurt him so deeply that things might not ever be the same. To me that would be like sticking a knife in a person and then twisting it.

I'm thankful that you 2 don't have children. I would suggest counseling to see if this is a viable marriage for both of you. It may be damaged beyond repair.

Sorry, I just can't get past that comment in your original post.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Christine,

The OP did state that she was not really excited about the wedding. I think this is really telling about their earlier relationship. You know, a bride who is head-over-heels in love, planning the biggest day of her life, marrying the wonderful guy who is 'the one', so that they could finally be together after a long distance relationship, would obviously be just beside herself.

Not all brides. I just saw it as another day in our lives. I was even outside washing the cars the morning of the wedding. My MoH was more nervous. I knew what I wanted and I was getting it, so nothing to be nervous about. I had a nice wedding but could have and did consider eloping. I married a passionate, kind, caring and loving man and have had many people tell me I have the perfect marriage (I always tell them not perfect but great). We have been married for 22 years and will be celebrating our 23rd at WDW. I am of the belief when the bride is too much into the marriage she just needed the groom to complete the day. DH and I picked out my dress. This floored the bridal shop. We both picked out the engagement ring and wedding rings. We did everything together. The best part of the wedding was leaving for Hawaii.

 

[punkin]

Sorry, I just can't get past that comment in your original post.

ITA. Why would you ever say something like that? You must have had some feelings for him then, even if you don't now. If someone said this to me, I would leave. There is nothing much left to a marriage like that.

 

[scrump]

Christine,

The OP did state that she was not really excited about the wedding. I think this is really telling about their earlier relationship. You know, a bride who is head-over-heels in love, planning the biggest day of her life, marrying the wonderful guy who is 'the one', so that they could finally be together after a long distance relationship, would obviously be just beside herself.

I don't think this is too telling, actually. It was an important day, but not the most important of my life, and certainly since we've been married there have been countless more. I know the status quo has most woman getting uber excited over weddings, but just because one doesn't, it is not a sign that she isn't as serious about the marriage. I raise this point because several people questioned my "devotion" to my husband in this same way. Not excited for or don't want a big/nice/whatever wedding? You must not love your husband! If I were the OP, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

To the OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but I am happy for you that you are questioning things and working things through. Many people don't and it creates a lifetime of misery.

ETA quote I was referencing

 

[mickeyfan2]

I raise this point because several people questioned my "devotion" to my husband in this same way. Not excited for or don't want a big/nice/whatever wedding? You must not love your husband!

ITA This was me too. Now I always wanted to know if we have the same divorce rate as the gungho bride? Maybe we are entering the marriage with our eyes open and know what we want. I know many guys who said they felt like a guest at their own wedding. DH says he felt that it was our day not just mine. And that is how I want our entire marriage to be.

 

[Disney-Kim]

The being "married" thing doesn't bother me. I don't feel tied down, I don't want to go an soe my wild oats or something. I think it's becoming clearer that we got married for the wrong reasons. I am trying to focus now on how I feel today and whether or not we can make this work. We have our seperate appointments tomorrow.

I didn't mean to say that you were tied down or wanted to feel free. I meant more that you feel more obligated to stay and work it out because your married and not just boyfriend/girlfriend.
hope that makes sense. good luck