Marriage Advice

[Wishing on a star]

Hhhhmmm, very interesting comments about not being so overly excited about the wedding. I can kind of see your points... But, one question crosses my mind.

Did you all live with your husbands prior to the wedding? Did you live in the same town and spend all the time you wanted together?

I am thinking that for most woman in the OP's situation, this would mean that she could finally be with the man she loved. It would have been a major change in her life and the status quo. Where for women who are already with their man all of the time, I can see where it is more of a technicality or formality. Does that make sense?

PS: If I were going to Hawaii for my honeymoon, I think I would uber excited about that too!!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

Did you all live with your husbands prior to the wedding? Did you live in the same town and spend all the time you wanted together?

We knew each other and dated for almost 4 years (lived across the river from each other) and were engaged for a over 3 years. We went to college together and spend every moment together. This is how I knew I had the right guy for me. Maybe it does make a difference.

I am thinking that for most woman in the OP's situation, this would mean that she could finally be with the man she loved. It would have been a major change in her life and the status quo. Where for women who are already with their man all of the time, I can see where it is more of a technicality or formality. Does that make sense?:

Yes

PS: If I were going to Hawaii for my honeymoon, I think I would uber excited about that too!!!

Yes it was very nice.

 

[Guest17]

This, too, is the part that concerns me. I haven't gone back to recheck the original post, but if I remember correctly this seemed to be an internet relationship turned into long distance romance? Now, these long distance romances can be VERY romantic and emotionally charged. Each time you see each other it is bittersweet, knowing that it is usually just a short time. Every conversation is about "when will I see you again" and "all the wondeful things we will do when we get together again." Each meeting, in and of itself, is a mini-honeymoon. I'm sorry but this is a very false reality to make a judgement about love being there or not. I'm sure, AT THAT TIME, the OP probably was caught up in the excitement of a new romance, the intrigue of the long-distance aspect, and the rush she felt during all their meetings. For a young person, this can VERY EASILY be mistaken for "HE'S THE ONE !!

The OP was going to do the "right" thing and attempted to move in with him and see how "normal life" would affect the relationship. First mistake was falling for the in-laws threats.

Anyway, my guess is that she has discovered during her 2 years of marriage that what she originally felt was probably not "real." By the way, I think I read somewhere that it takes about 18 months for the love/lust endorphin/pheramone thing to run it's course. I say she's hitting that right about now.

So, yeah, I guess I can see where she kind of wakes up one day and says "did I really ever love him?"

I wish the OP would come back and give us a bit more information on how she felt in the early days during the L.D. relationship phase, and what she has "discovered" about her husband since living with him. Just a bit more insight might clear up the picture.

No, not an internet relationship. We started out friends. We were both living away from home and dating other people (nothing serious). Once we moved back home, we started talking more and realized we wanted to date. We dated long distance for 2 years before deciding we wanted to move in together. No, maybe I didn't make the right decision letting his parents tell us what to do. But I felt bad that his parents were just going to walk away from their son. Maybe they were idle threats, at the point I wasn't willing to take that chance. I remember loving to be around DH, I used to get so excited when we spent our weekends togather (ever 6 weeks or so).

Disney-Kim-Sorry, yea you are right. If we had moved in together and it hadn't of worked out, it would be way different than the position we are in.

Thank you all again for telling me you can't believe what I told my husband. I get it that you all don't approve. BUT, my husband and I communicate about everything. If the problem was just I don't think I am in love anymore, than that is a different story. If I hadn't told him, don't you think it would have come out in counseling?

I had my one-on-one today. I told the counselor everything I had been feeling lately. I felt it went well and was probably more information gathering than anything else. I am anxious for our next appointment together to see what we discover. Thank you all again for your different stories. It is interesting to hear about those who weren't excited for their wedding. Maybe I was reading too much into it.

 

[ElizaB39]

I wasn't too terribly excited about my wedding, I was VERY excited to be getting married, to my DH. I didn't want to plan a wedding and neither did my mother, we both did a lot of sighing during that planning period. I wanted to elope and DH wanted a wedding, "for the families". My organist ended up picking my music. I really didn't have an opinion and neither did DH or my mother.


That said, I couldn't wait until 4 pm on our wedding day! I was SO happy to be walking down the aisle to marry DH. We had a lovely service and a fun reception, but I remember stress. I was glad when it was all over, we flew home and then left on our honeymoom a few days later. That was the best part. I bought my dress by myself and picked out everything alone. It was hard because I lived 1000 miles away from my mom. My sister that I lived with wasn't into wedding planning either.

*SIGH* I can see that my DD is going to be in big trouble if she gets married (regarding the planning aspect). I am by nature an organizer so it will get done but I can't imagine enjoying it at this point.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It is interesting to hear about those who weren't excited for their wedding.

For me I was already married in my heart (DH said for him it was love at first sight), so this was just a ceremony (and I did want to be married in a Church).

ETA As I have said we will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary later this year. So I think we did alright.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thank you all again for telling me you can't believe what I told my husband. I get it that you all don't approve. BUT, my husband and I communicate about everything. If the problem was just I don't think I am in love anymore, than that is a different story. If I hadn't told him, don't you think it would have come out in counseling?

I believe communicating everything to a spouse is WAY overrated and not a good idea. I don't mean that a person should hide things, but there are certain things that can be thought, but not said. Just like I tell my kids that they can want to hit their sibling and can feel that feeling, but they can't carry it out.

Believe me, I'm the type to say what's on my mind and this is not an easy thing for me. I'm a bit of a hot head and get emotional and have said some things in the past that I probably shouldn't have said. So I'm speaking from 23 years of marriage experience.

I do think that you are right in trying to work through this and I am thankful that you are doing it before having children. And no, if you truly do not think that it's a match between you and your DH better to end it in the near future than to have it drag on for the next 10 years and possibly bringing children into the picture. You both deserve to find someone special to spend your years with. As long as you realize that things are not magical all the time--that isn't true, mature love, but infatuation.

 

[poohandwendy]

Thank you all again for telling me you can't believe what I told my husband. I get it that you all don't approve. BUT, my husband and I communicate about everything. If the problem was just I don't think I am in love anymore, than that is a different story. If I hadn't told him, don't you think it would have come out in counseling?

I have kept out of this part of the argument so far, but you continue to harp on people pointing out the obvious.

What reaction do you expect? How would you feel if he told you the same thing? That the man you married only a few short years ago does not even know if he EVER loved you? Please do not tell me you would be happier knowing the ''truth'', cause that is total BS. Those words hurt. Period.

Btw, how about telling the real truth? How about saying "I do not know how I feel, but I do know that things are not the way they should be" Because you are not even sure, from what you are saying. Why would you say something so obviously devastating when you do not even know what the ''truth'' is yourself?

I suspect you KNOW that the words are the death knell for your marriage and that this is just a way to open that door so that you can step out. You can go to counselling for a short time and then say "Oh well, I tried. It just didn't work out" In the meantime, you have a man stepping on eggshells to please you while you find out whether or not you are going to grant him the privilege of sticking around.

Why not just spare him the agony and walk away if you really feel this way? Why put him through this?

The answers I keep hearing from you are all about you and not really thinking about anyone else. Not really. I keep hearing, "I want to be sure" "I don't want to make a mistake" "I am not sure if I am happy" "I don't know if he is enough" "I don't want to settle"...the common denominator I am hearing is me, me, me. This is not about his happiness or you would have spared him the stab in the back and found a way to temper your words with kindness. Ya know, you may think someone is fat, but you do not have to say it that way be honest or to 'help' them get healthier.

You already made a mistake that will affect him forever. He will NEVER forget those words, trust me on that. You see it as 'truthful' like you are doing him some huge favor, I see it as twisting the knife. If you want it over, just do it.

That is the truth as I see it....

 

[Poohnatic]

I believe communicating everything to a spouse is WAY overrated and not a good idea. I don't mean that a person should hide things, but there are certain things that can be thought, but not said. Just like I tell my kids that they can want to hit their sibling and can feel that feeling, but they can't carry it out.

ITA. My DH is a worry wart and will worry when he has nothing to worry about that 'something's gonna happen', LOL.

That said, if I know something is going to cause him to worry and distract him needlessly (i.e. let's wait until the doctor says it's xyz before telling him). Doesn't mean I love him less, just that I've learned that sometimes things are better left unsaid.

I have a hard time with your 'full disclosure' rationale. That's a big blow to ANYONE'S ego. Even if you mend your issues, it will be something that he'll always remember. In any relationship, you have to ask yourself "how would I feel if I was told this same thing?" It sure helps to temper your words.

So, if he told you "I don't know that I ever loved you?", how would you feel?

Suzanne

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Wow, Poohandwendy, I have never agreed with you more. Very well said. Blunt, yes, but she seems to think that bluntness is the way to go.

I do hope that if you walk away from this marriage, as I suspect will very possibly happen, that you take a few years to grow up before even dating. Yes, a few years. You really will need to do some soul searching to figure out what is missing, what you'd like to do with your life, what qualities you'd like a man to have. Be content with yourself before even thinking about meeting a future partner. I do hope that when you start dating that you'll take it very slow, getting to know him (and him, you--a very critical part), thinking long and hard about whether you'd want to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

[disykat]

I remember loving to be around DH, I used to get so excited when we spent our weekends togather (ever 6 weeks or so).

If you are interested in fixing things - tell him THAT! THOSE are the kinds of memories you need to be dwelling on and working to see if you can bring those things back in to your marriage.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you are interested in fixing things - tell him THAT! THOSE are the kinds of memories you need to be dwelling on and working to see if you can bring those things back in to your marriage.

So true!

On the whole full-disclosure thing. I have not said a whole lot about it here.

First, let me say that I am a HUGE believer in truth! In no way should the OP or anyone hide or mislead. However, there are many ways to say that you are not sure of your feelings, or that you are not sure if you are happy, etc...

Even if some men are the type to not show a lot of emotional reaction, ( I suspect the OP's husband is this way, or the OP would have obviously seen her DH's reaction to to those comments.) That doesn't mean that these kinds of comments do not hurt. Even if he is appearing to be the tough-guy and trying to take all of it in stride, in reality he is probably internalizing all of this, and it can be very very hurtful inside.

I feel that the OP does not realize this at all. As he has probably not made it obvious to her.

I am very forgiving of somebody making a big mistake and saying words that they never should have said. I am a very expressive person myself, and I know that I have to be aware of this. But, the OP has not seemed to realize that the exact words that she said were hurtful and wrong. She has offered no apology

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I remember loving to be around DH, I used to get so excited when we spent our weekends togather (ever 6 weeks or so).

Of course--when you see each other for a weekend every 6 weeks it's easy to present a certain image, not fart or belch, brush your teeth often, use all your manners. You don't see the dirty dishes the other person generates, the dirty socks that don't make it to the hamper, and the moodiness that most people show. It's easy to present a certain image for 2 days.

 

[disneymom3]

IMO, for a marriage to work you need basic components. The most important ones being a best friend, someone you respect and someone you are passionate about. That last part is soooooo important and I think people dismiss it. Sometimes I want to throw my DH out the window, but we have such chemistry and passion, it makes me want to work it out. It's that something extra that keeps me around because I know it's so hard to find. Point being, if that passion isn't there, the marriage is just a glorified friendship.

I think that the passion issue changes a lot as you change in your marriage. There have been times when I didn't feel passionate physically about DH at all, but it sure didnt' mean our marriage was over. I am pretty sure the passion cooled in my parent's marriage after 50 some years, but my mom stil misses my dad every day since he died. They had a marriage that all marriages should be based on.

IMO what it comes down to is that you choose to love someone or not. This isn't a willy nilly feeling it is a commitment and a choice.

 

[rt2dz]

I wish I had advice to give you, but Im in the same boat kinda as you. DH and I fight everday and I also have told him that i am not in love with him. I don't think i am happy with DH. We fight so much and our fights get violent. I need advice myself, LOL

violence = leaves now. No question on that.

 

[rt2dz]

Yours is an example of why divorce can be best for some. I hope you turned him to the police!

Me too. He is a child predator and if not being turned into the police for that, you are going to wreck some poor child's life, possibly several children's lives. A lot pressure, but I'm a rape survivor. Not to mention the spousal abuse.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Violence = leave NOW!

I don't want to sidetrack this thread, but I had to repeat that as well.

 

[rt2dz]

OK, here is my very long reply to the whole thread, which I just finished. My thoughts are in no particular order, but what popped up as read, regrouped by what I hope is some type of order.

A few questions: How old were you when you got married? How long did you date before marriage? Was it all long distance? Could you define what settling is to you? What is it that is missing? Before all of this (and after) are you fighting constantly or are you handling it with some fighting and a lot of hurt feelings?

Marriage is a lot more than love. It is friendship. It is respect. It’s having common goals for the future. It is having a life together. It is about caring. It’s about taking care of the other one when he/she is sick or going through a rough patch. It’s about shared memories—trips, ie. It is about commitment. Mostly commitment. You took a vow, made a promise, put it in writing. For better or worse. In sickness and health. Why? If it wasn’t, we’d all be out of it in no time. Regardless of why you originally made that commitment, you still made it. How do you feel about the commitment you made? Do you think it is lifetime or for awhile (don’t mean snidely)?

Obviously I don’t agree that you should simply walk away before more time is committed. You have already made the commitment. Now you need to figure out if is beyond all hope, hopefully not. A marriage is going to have LOTS of obstacles and truly difficult things, but I think this is one of those things. Not just something that shows you can’t handle the other difficult things. This is just one of the reasons I think 3 months of premarital counseling should be required as part of getting a marriage license.

I’m going to *try* and not be too repetitive. You are getting a lot of great advice/thoughts. Any relationship we have is up and down. No matter what any of the other circumstances are. There are always problems. Some, like abuse, make an immediate divorce OK, but others need to just be worked out or you need to earn the out. I’ve heard a lot of people say divorcing their spouse didn’t solve the problems—just traded them in for new ones, especially when remarried. You should rent the movie “The Story of Us” with Bruce Willis and Meg Ryan (I think).

DO NOT have a baby if you can even think of divorce as a possibility in the future!!! You HAVE to put yourself 100% into counseling. You won’t get anywhere if you don’t, even if you do get divorced. Give counseling at least one to two years. You may want to do couple’s counseling (this is a marriage) and individual counseling for yourself. If you can’t afford it, try looking at your church—most do a sliding scale. Don’t move into separate homes while doing this; it will just make it inevitable that you will get divorced. You might want to move into separate bedrooms though. Perhaps just “date” again. Some people need as much time apart as together. Do you take nights out with friends individually, together, and have dates?

Since it has been commented on so much: I don’t think you were intentionally being mean to your DH. You may have held back, a little. But you didn’t. Too late to comment on that. I’d practice saying what you want without necessarily giving every last detail. I’m not sure I love you would put you in the same place as I’m not sure I ever loved you. Both are honest statements. But I can’t help but wonder is why you have come to this thought. I think that is much more important right now.

I don’t believe you have to be excited about a wedding. I wasn’t. It was just part of what you do to get married. My DH and I were actually focused on the marriage. We discussed money, religion, kids, and all the other goals. The church we were to be married in required counseling first. The pastor said was amazed that we actually had gone through all of that before marriage—it was rare. And, no, we did not live together before marriage. I did that with someone else and thought it was a HUGE mistake. Remember, many people have never lived together before marriage. That used to be the norm, not the next step.

Personally, I sometimes wonder about my DH. Was it right? Did I miss out on something better? If something happened to him today, would I care? They are questions that pop up in my head from time to time. OK, sometimes it seems like these questions can be in my head for a few months on end. But the fact is he is a wonderful man. A great friend. A fantastic father. Even though there was a few things I had wanted to do before marriage that I sometimes miss/regret and my life wasn’t going as planned, overall I love where I’m at in life. It’s where I wanted to end up in the end.

 

[Buckalew11]

Christine,

The OP did state that she was not really excited about the wedding. I think this is really telling about their earlier relationship. You know, a bride who is head-over-heels in love, planning the biggest day of her life, marrying the wonderful guy who is 'the one', so that they could finally be together after a long distance relationship, would obviously be just beside herself.

Maybe, maybe not. Not every bride is into planning a wedding. I sure wasn't I begged to elope but DH thought I'd regret it (& his mother would not have been pleased). I could not have cared less about every and any detail of the day. I told the man who sang to " sing whatever you want and think you sing well", I told the caterer to do whatever she wanted to the cake, food, color of the tablecloth... I just wasn't into it. Maybe it isn't normal but when I read that she wasn't excited about the plans it really diidn't raise a red flag for me, .

 

[Buckalew11]

Hhhhmmm, very interesting comments about not being so overly excited about the wedding. I can kind of see your points... But, one question crosses my mind.

Did you all live with your husbands prior to the wedding? Did you live in the same town and spend all the time you wanted together?

I am thinking that for most woman in the OP's situation, this would mean that she could finally be with the man she loved. It would have been a major change in her life and the status quo. Where for women who are already with their man all of the time, I can see where it is more of a technicality or formality. Does that make sense?

PS: If I were going to Hawaii for my honeymoon, I think I would uber excited about that too!!!

Nope, didn't live together. Nope, didn't spend all the time we wanted together either. Only weekends and that was only a couple hours each day. But I do remember not wanting him to leave every single time we were together!

I see where you are coming from but I just don't think every woman is into planning the big day. DH didn't plan anything even though he was the one who wanted the wedding. He started way back then saying, "Whatever you say, dear" and "Whatever you want/like/pick is fine with me."
Those are nice words but I was still wishing he would have planned the "big day".

 

[diswedwish]

Quote:
Originally Posted by disykat
Yours is an example of why divorce can be best for some. I hope you turned him to the police!



Me too. He is a child predator and if not being turned into the police for that, you are going to wreck some poor child's life, possibly several children's lives. A lot pressure, but I'm a rape survivor. Not to mention the spousal abuse."

I did go to the cops by-the-way, it took me 2 days until I realized I should however. I didn't press charges for the abuse since I felt I'd never see him again and didn't feel that I was in danger.
For future reference for any of you - if something happens call the cops immediately, if I had done so they would have arrested him that night. This would facilitate moving out without worrying about when he is home, etc.

The cops did take my parents' hard-drive (the computer he used, we didn't have a computer in our apartment - nice, huh?) and we finally heard back from them. He never made arrangements to meet with her, so in order to press charges they had to prove that she was really 13. They were unable to do that, so all they have done is write a report. They also have the copies of the emails on file. I was told that I did the right thing - if he were to be caught in the future, I would be liable since I knew about it and didn't say anything. So I am disappointed that they couldn't charge him, but glad that he didn't have the opportunity to go further than he did.