Mama Bear?

[DVC Sadie]

Some posters feel very proud of themselves going all "Mama Bear" in situations. I just don't see the need, especially in front of their child.

Mama Bear = Rabid Dog. The picture is the same to me.

 

[bethbuchall]

I've read some very interesting, anti-medical posts from you on this board. This one, i simply do not believe. I do not believe that any hospital would refuse a parent to stay overnight in a hospital.
Sounds like something she saw on a Soap Opera.

Then I'm guessing you never had to be hospitalized in the early-mid 70's. There was a whole different attitude back then.

I was 9 in 1973 and hospitalized for several days because of a kidney infection. Because I was younger than a certain age (I can't remember if it was 10 or 12), they put me into a bed that resembled a giant crib. They also said that I might bite down on a thermometer, so the nurses insisted on rectal temps. (Tell me what 9 year old isn't horrified at the thought of rectal temps, especially every 4 hours.) Then they tried to tell my mother that she would need to leave at the end of visiting hours and not return until morning. My mother refused to leave, and it caused plenty of upset. The one nurse told me that I was a "big girl, not a baby" and didn't need my mother there all night. I remember telling her that she should get me out of a crib and keep the thermometer out of my butt then. My mother did get the dr. to order oral temps, and she was finally permitted to spend the night in the chair. A different nurse was in charge on the next two nights, and I told my mother that she didn't have to stay with me after that first night.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I must have been really lucky because back in the early 1960's I had to be hospitalized and my mother was allowed to be in the room with me, with no problems or drama.

 

[Loverly]

I must have been really lucky because back in the early 1960's I had to be hospitalized and my mother was allowed to be in the room with me, with no problems or drama.

Me too!

Maybe it had to do with the size of a hospital?

 

[ireland_nicole]

When I think of mama bear I think, like some pp's, of a mother who protects her child when necessary. I do have 2 kids with multiple disabilities, they do have IEP's; while not shouting in a meeting, I have refused to sign until all the facts were put into minutes, and have even brought a doctor along. And I had a meeting with the prinicpal last week b/c dd's 3rd grade teacher refused to allow her to use the bathroom during recess and the inevitable happened. I have, in fact, yelled at nurses when my child was left vomiting for three hours (every 5 minutes or less, it was a drug reaction) because there was change of shift and they forgot to call the dr. I have yelled at an ER doc who tried to do a spinal tap without sedation because they were "a little short staffed" and he didn't think I'd mind. I yelled at the same doc because my daughters bp was dropping, she was extremely dehydrated, had a 106.4 temp, and he wanted to "wait" for IV fluids because she didn't need them yet. So, if you want to call me a rabid animal, go ahead. I can take whatever you dish out. But I will never ignore my inner voice that tells me when my kids are in danger or something is really wrong.

 

[Scurvy]

So, if you want to call me a rabid animal, go ahead. I can take whatever you dish out. But I will never ignore my inner voice that tells me when my kids are in danger or something is really wrong.

I wanted to chime in - I posted that I think of the term "mama bear" as a negative thing, and I do. However, I think most of the examples of positive "mama bear" behavior given in this thread are just good parenting. I would think less of a parent who wouldn't advocate for their child if the child truly needed help and couldn't advocate for themselves. These just aren't the type of examples that I think of when I hear the term "mama bear". So often on the Dis and elsewhere, parents micromanage every interaction their children have with the rest of the world and if anyone points out that they might have over reacted they trot out the "mama bear" excuse. They had to react like that, they had a "mama bear" moment.

I don't think that protecting your child from an actual threat or problem that they can't fix on their own is a bad thing at all, but I also don't think of it as "mama bear" behavior. . . I think of it as good parenting. It's the people who react irrationally to any tiny slight - real or imagined - and then try to justify their behavior as a "mama bear" moment who I always think of when I hear the term.

ETA - I can't believe I typed that term so many times - I always cringe when I read it and now I've typed it way too many times.

 

[teacups]

I wanted to chime in - I posted that I think of the term "mama bear" as a negative thing, and I do. However, I think most of the examples of positive "mama bear" behavior given in this thread are just good parenting. I would think less of a parent who wouldn't advocate for their child if the child truly needed help and couldn't advocate for themselves. These just aren't the type of examples that I think of when I hear the term "mama bear". So often on the Dis and elsewhere, parents micromanage every interaction their children have with the rest of the world and if anyone points out that they might have over reacted they trot out the "mama bear" excuse. They had to react like that, they had a "mama bear" moment.

I don't think that protecting your child from an actual threat or problem that they can't fix on their own is a bad thing at all, but I also don't think of it as "mama bear" behavior. . . I think of it as good parenting. It's the people who react irrationally to any tiny slight - real or imagined - and then try to justify their behavior as a "mama bear" moment who I always think of when I hear the term.

ETA - I can't believe I typed that term so many times - I always cringe when I read it and now I've typed it way too many times.

Yes. BUT what you have here are others deciding when a parent should step in. You dont know all the hidden reasons a mom (or dad for that matter) might act a certain way. There actually MAY be things you do not know. It's pretty nervy for anyone to assume they know what's best for someone else.

Maybe Ive never seen the type of parent that is the topic here...

 

[shelly3girls]

Maybe Ive never seen the type of parent that is the topic here...

I truly hope you never will, at least not my definition of Mama Bear...
Example:
You find out that parent A called parent B (and possibly parents C,D,E, etc) to tell her that that your DD is never permitted to play with parent A's kid and never again permitted in her house b/c your DD bullied her child on the playground and made her cry. Parent B talks to her own child and finds out that your DD had finally stood up for herself after weeks of bullying (having ketchup squirted on her at lunch, mud kicked at her on the playground, nasty rumors spread about her, etc.) and told the girl that she was being mean and needed to stop. According to every child present your DD was the victim but half the parents in town (a small town) have been told what an evil child she is and should not be permitted to play with anyone. Your DD is now being excluded from parties. Sorry, I have the right to judge this kind of behavior. There were 3 seperate incidents in a matter of 2 weeks with this type of behavior in DD's class. Parents need to realize no kid is perfect and usually both parties are to blame in any situation.

 

[leighe]

I wanted to chime in - I posted that I think of the term "mama bear" as a negative thing, and I do. However, I think most of the examples of positive "mama bear" behavior given in this thread are just good parenting. I would think less of a parent who wouldn't advocate for their child if the child truly needed help and couldn't advocate for themselves. These just aren't the type of examples that I think of when I hear the term "mama bear". So often on the Dis and elsewhere, parents micromanage every interaction their children have with the rest of the world and if anyone points out that they might have over reacted they trot out the "mama bear" excuse. They had to react like that, they had a "mama bear" moment.

I don't think that protecting your child from an actual threat or problem that they can't fix on their own is a bad thing at all, but I also don't think of it as "mama bear" behavior. . . I think of it as good parenting. It's the people who react irrationally to any tiny slight - real or imagined - and then try to justify their behavior as a "mama bear" moment who I always think of when I hear the term.

ETA - I can't believe I typed that term so many times - I always cringe when I read it and now I've typed it way too many times.

Exactly. I completely agree with you! I guess where I see Mama Bear behavior on this board is when an OP starts a thread upset about a situation with a coach or a neighbor's kid or something that could probably be handled with calm communication. Inevitably other posters start to reply with stuff like "I would NEVER tolerate such behavior to MY CHILD. I'd march over (fill in the blank here) and DEMAND blah, blah, blah". That's what always surprises me - the vehement reactions to relatively minor situations.

 

[ireland_nicole]

OK, I know this may sound sarcastic, but I'm being completely honest. That kind of stuff happens? OMG, that's just sick. I guess I'm "sheltered" so to speak, because I spend a lot of my time with moms of kids with challenges, and so to us the term momma bear is a term we would use when we're advocating for our children. And trust me, divying up finite resources always means advocating. I honestly had no idea that this kind of insanity was "common?" I can't imagine going to a third party if my child had an issue with another child. Go to that child's mom and try to sort it out, yes. But the kind of stuff you're describing- I can't even imagine, it really makes me nauseous. And makes me understand why you would use the term in such a different way.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I can only think of a couple situations where I have had to become a mama bear for my own kids. One time, a lady yelled at my son to "move it" at Costco. Well, I had to correct her right there. I did show restraint because my son was there. Another time, I had to fight for services at school for my son. The director of special education kept giving me bad information and when I found out, I had to complain to the school board.

When I was still working, I was known as a mama bear for my students and/or student workers. I had a reputation for protecting my students. If I knew there was some grant money available (I was a financial aid advisor), I fought tooth and nail to get it for my students. Sometimes, mama bear had to make an appearance to get things rolling. If one of my student workers was mis-treated in my office (yelled at or cussed at by another student), then you better believe that mama bear came out. I would usually "attack" when I felt that the student could not take care of it on their own.

 

[ChrizJen]

I totally agree with the OP. I think that some use the term "Mama Bear" to defend irrational parenting.

I never truly "got it" about the whole Mama Bear thing until I became a foster mom. I mean, I understood the term, but it never really clicked until I realized that there's a little girl who depends solely on me (and my DP) for her safety and well being. Without going into too much detail, the first time I heard even a whisper that bio mom might get her back without having to do ANYTHING to pay for what she did??? I went MAMA BEAR!! I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that the judge gives bio mom a long list of things she must do to get her life back in order to get her baby back. We realized that the case workers, the judges, the attorneys, and all of the people in "the system" are basically just ready to get her case off of their desks. None of them are going to truly do what it takes to ensure that this little girl is as safe and healthy as she can be. As sad as it is, she's just another file folder in their mile-high stack.

Of course, there are far more extreme instances where the "mama bear" mentality would (and should) come up, like when your child's life is in grave danger. But I agree that a mom who stomps into a principal's office to complain about a bad grade isn't a "Mama Bear". She's just an overbearing, helicopter mom.

 

[chisnpeke]

The example I think of when I think of the phrase, used in the way I think of it, was my mom in a particular situation.

When I was 4, I brightly decided to hang from my knees from our front year geodesic dome. It was a small one, but I was wearing a dress and tights, and I slipped. Landed smack dab on top of my head.

When she took me to the doctor's and it was recommended I stay overnight at the hospital, that was fine. However, in 1973/4, the staff thought that a 4 year old would be totally fine by his/herself, and REFUSED to let my mom stay. She knew me, and knew that I would NOT be OK alone. She went mama bear to the nurses and doctor, though I think she called herself a tigress actually, and got very special permission to stay with me.

That's mama bear, where you perceive a true threat to your kiddo, and will protect them.


She'd had to do basically the same thing in '72 at a different hospital, when her OB forgot to sign off on my baby brother rooming in with her...he'd done so when I was born, but forgot when brother was born, and she ended up forcing the nurses to call the doctor at his home, get him back to the hospital, and sign off so that the nurses would get brother out of the nursery and into my mom's arms.

I've read some very interesting, anti-medical posts from you on this board. This one, i simply do not believe. I do not believe that any hospital would refuse a parent to stay overnight in a hospital.
Sounds like something she saw on a Soap Opera.

Actually, that might be true. My mom got her tonsils taken out in the 60s and she had to stay overnight. Her parents were not supposed to stay with her and she had to stay by herself. She said she was very scared.

I know bumber is anti-medical but I think this type of thing where the children stay alone was common (at least in some areas).

 

[Vijoge]

Actually, that might be true. My mom got her tonsils taken out in the 60s and she had to stay overnight. Her parents were not supposed to stay with her and she had to stay by herself. She said she was very scared.

I know bumber is anti-medical but I think this type of thing where the children stay alone was common (at least in some areas).

OH , most definitely common. When I was a kid, parents could only visit during regular visiting hours. (Hours were something like 2-4 and 6-8 only) Only two visitors were allowed at one time. No one under 16 was allowed to visit.

Also, in the maternity ward there was no such thing as keeping your baby in your room. It just wasn't allowed. They brought the baby to mom for feeding only, and unless mom was breastfeeding they didn't bring the baby at night. Dad's were never allowed in the delivery room, either.

 

[Cool-Beans]

When I think of mama bear I think, like some pp's, of a mother who protects her child when necessary. I do have 2 kids with multiple disabilities, they do have IEP's; while not shouting in a meeting, I have refused to sign until all the facts were put into minutes, and have even brought a doctor along. And I had a meeting with the prinicpal last week b/c dd's 3rd grade teacher refused to allow her to use the bathroom during recess and the inevitable happened. I have, in fact, yelled at nurses when my child was left vomiting for three hours (every 5 minutes or less, it was a drug reaction) because there was change of shift and they forgot to call the dr. I have yelled at an ER doc who tried to do a spinal tap without sedation because they were "a little short staffed" and he didn't think I'd mind. I yelled at the same doc because my daughters bp was dropping, she was extremely dehydrated, had a 106.4 temp, and he wanted to "wait" for IV fluids because she didn't need them yet. So, if you want to call me a rabid animal, go ahead. I can take whatever you dish out. But I will never ignore my inner voice that tells me when my kids are in danger or something is really wrong.

It isn't protecting children that anyone is against, I don't think. I mean, some parents are over-protective, some are ridiculously over-protective, but big whup. There have always been over-protective parents.

It's the phrase. Who wants to compare their behavior to that of a wild animal?

People say, "I went all Mama Bear on him" or they "go all Mama Bear"...it's like saying, "I lost complete control of myself, my actions, my ability to think and behaved as an animal."

I don't draw any positive connotations from someone "going all Mama Bear."

Plus, it is kind of a weird thing to say, IMO.

We all protect our kids to the best of our ability. We do it differently, but we all do it. I don't think anyone is slamming that. It's just that flippin phrase.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

It used to be used when parents were really defending their child in a situation they needed it. It was usually the gut reaction to someone doing major harm to their child.

Now it seems that if "little Jane" gets a C on her test because the teacher didn't explain something right "little Jane"'s mom goes all mama bear on the teacher for not explaining it perfectly

I hear a term "special snowflake" used to describe the children of parents and while it cracks me up it seems quite fitting at the same time.

For us, it's all about being as much of a team with DS's teachers as we can be. DS's teacher asked me the other day if it was alright for her to put tape on his finger to keep him from shoving it up his nose (we're having a bit of a nosepicking problem right now ) and I told her to go ahead. As long as it doesn't harm him physically I'm pretty much OK with whatever she wants to do in her classroom. She's the teacher, I'm not. DS's teacher knows she can approach me about anything, any problem and I'm more than willing to work with her in any way that I can.

 

[leighe]

OMG! The nose picking thing is hilarious! Teachers would have much easier jobs if more parents had your attitude.

 

[Val]

To me, momma bear should be when you get the "animal" in you aroused and come out fighting because your child is getting the shaft....

.....unfortunately, I think sometimes parents forget what the difference is between getting shafted and learning a natural consequence. My DS13 got a detention - for kissing girls in the hall (they were lining up and he kissed them as they walked by). Was it REALLY a detention? I thought it was kinda funny- but it DID interrupt the change of classes and really irritated the staff. He SERVED that detention. He earned. it. Alternatively, my DD11 is hard of hearing (or hearing impaired is the less nice word-either way she can't hear!). The speech therapist at her school dismissed her from speech because she can talk just fine one on one.....then she brought home an F on her report card for "oral reports" in social studies (she is usually a straight A student)....I got mad! Didn't have the grade changed- she didn't make the grade and her presentation was an "F"...but that suggests her speech isn't great and she needs to be BACK in speech therapy. Getting mad got things moving again...we are reconvening the IEP team to decide what to do, and she is having more testing to figure out what is going with those ears of hers.

Like anything else, mama bear can get out of hand. It is easy to go on the attack when your child is unhappy...but sometimes that is just the way it is. I try and use the "is my child harmed?" rule....and ask myself if my child can handle it themselves. Sometimes you need to get involved and it is SO hard to tell. After 4 kids (21 to 11) I hope I am getting more cautious about using Momma bear, not less!

IF only these kids came with instructions!!!!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

leighe--DS's teacher told me what was going on and she asked if she could wrap a bit of cellophane tape around the end of his finger to keep him from shoving it up his nose. Apparently, he can't dig for gold with the tape on his finger..it doesn't fit up there. I told her go right ahead..if it kept him from doing something incredibly gross I was all for it.

I've heard tales of parent-zillas and mama bears and I don't want to be that way with his teachers if I can help it. They are doing a great service and not getting paid NEARLY enough (IMO) for what they have to put up with on a daily basis, esp in Mrs.Awesomesauce (not her real name)'s class. She teaches a mixed class--some of the kids (like DS) are special needs but most are 'normals'. I tell her all the time how amazing she and her partner teacher are because they probably don't hear it enough. I'm glad when the principal was dividing up who would go into what class for this year put him in her class. She also has a special needs child, so she understands better than maybe a parent without a special needs child would.

I just hope that his kindergarten teacher next year is just as awesome. Mrs. Awesomesauce and Mrs. Supercool (his teacher from last year) have set the bar VERY very high for whoever's next.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that the mama bear term fits some mothers quite well. If you think about a mother bear, she tends to act rather ferocious and over-the-top if anyone else approaches her cub. Her instinct is to protect and fight and there are truly some parents that do that.

It never occurred to me that so many would do it on a regular basis though but I guess that they do. Most problems can be worked out by the kids themselves and if not, a calm, rational approach can usually take care of any other issues IMO. Mama Bear isn't necessary the vast majority of the time.