Loss of DH

[Planogirl]

Checking in to see how things are going. I hope that you are OK.

 

[Snowysmom]

I have been doing administrative stuff this week, seeing the attorney, contacting benefits places for the financial matters. Just not what I want to have to do. I also saw the therapist yesterday and began the process of trying to get through this major change in my life. I miss DH like crazy and talk to him all the time. I went back to the house today by myself for the first time since he passed at the house. I was OK while I kept busy but as soon as I was done the tears came. I would really like to be able to spend some nights at the house but I am not sure I can at this point. I just don't have the strength right now. I can't say the days are getting better as I wake up and wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I can't even think about when I will be ready to go back to work. I appreciate all the care and concern here. Thank you.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have been doing administrative stuff this week, seeing the attorney, contacting benefits places for the financial matters. Just not what I want to have to do. I also saw the therapist yesterday and began the process of trying to get through this major change in my life. I miss DH like crazy and talk to him all the time. I went back to the house today by myself for the first time since he passed at the house. I was OK while I kept busy but as soon as I was done the tears came. I would really like to be able to spend some nights at the house but I am not sure I can at this point. I just don't have the strength right now. I can't say the days are getting better as I wake up and wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I can't even think about when I will be ready to go back to work. I appreciate all the care and concern here. Thank you.

 

[Dan Murphy]

One day at a time, Snowysmom. 's One day at a time. Take it slowly. Stop by here when you'd like to sound off a bit (or a lot) or just update how you are doing, like here today.

 

[AnnaS]

I have been doing administrative stuff this week, seeing the attorney, contacting benefits places for the financial matters. Just not what I want to have to do. I also saw the therapist yesterday and began the process of trying to get through this major change in my life. I miss DH like crazy and talk to him all the time. I went back to the house today by myself for the first time since he passed at the house. I was OK while I kept busy but as soon as I was done the tears came. I would really like to be able to spend some nights at the house but I am not sure I can at this point. I just don't have the strength right now. I can't say the days are getting better as I wake up and wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I can't even think about when I will be ready to go back to work. I appreciate all the care and concern here. Thank you.

I agree with Dan. One day at a time. Baby steps.

 

[DisneyFansInNYC]

Hugs to you. You are in my prayers each day.

 

[mommasita]

Dan is right. It is one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.
I wish you didn’t have this pain. Hopefully your work is supportive.
Lots of love sent yoir way

 

[Haimia]

 

[Snowysmom]

Thanks so much for the caring and compassion. I am trying to take it one day, one minute at a time. I do admit that sometimes I think years out and I get really scared and feel lonely. So, I try to rein my thoughts back into the present. I am hoping more therapy helps.

We continue to clean out the house. I have gone 2 days this week by myself. Not easy. I can stay there up to 2 hours then my anxiety takes over, I cry, and I leave. But it is 2 hours of much needed cleaning out. I wonder if I will ever be able to stay in the house overnight. My kids tell me it doesn't matter but I do feel like it does. Do I try to stay in the house where Chris and I lived or sell it and buy something smaller and easy to care for, like a condo. It is all part of my indecisiveness right now.

I talked with my manager at work. He is being very supportive. I am tentatively going back to work at the end of November. I asked to work 30 hours a week at least for a while. I may ask for it permanently. That is a decision for later.

I do have a frustration with social security. I called to inform them of Chris' passing and the rep told me someone would be calling me back to make an appointment to discuss this and set up what I need. No call back within the time frame given. I called again and was told someone would call back within 2 business days. No call so far. I can only do what I have to do with a live person on the phone. The offices here are closed. They do not make it easy.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

My deepest condolences to you and your family. May he rest peacefully

 

[Christine]

We continue to clean out the house. I have gone 2 days this week by myself. Not easy. I can stay there up to 2 hours then my anxiety takes over, I cry, and I leave. But it is 2 hours of much needed cleaning out. I wonder if I will ever be able to stay in the house overnight. My kids tell me it doesn't matter but I do feel like it does. Do I try to stay in the house where Chris and I lived or sell it and buy something smaller and easy to care for, like a condo. It is all part of my indecisiveness right now.

I'm sure you've already been told this a million times but don't make a major decision while you're experiencing grief like this. I agree with the whole "waiting a year" if you can financially do it. A few years ago, my uncle passed away and it was extremely traumatic for my aunt. When it happened she went immediately to stay with her adult children. She actually never went back and others cleaned out the house for her. She just couldn't do it. After a few months, for various reasons, they sold the house and there are times that I think she may be regretting that decision. Maybe not, but she made a decision when she was very raw and consumed with grief. In a year's time, you may feel like actually spending time in the house with those memories. Hard to tell, but give it some time and don't rush it. It sounds like you're doing really well, despite how awful you feel. Hang in there!

 

[Snowysmom]

Thanks Christine. I hear what you are saying and I am truly not making a rush decision. I have it in my mind to wait until the clean up is done in the house. It will take months as DH saved everything including receipts from 20 years ago. I found a bag full last weekend. Crazy, I know, but that is the way he was. It will most likely be late Spring before we are ready to decide what to do. Once the house is clean I will take a look at everything and look at my options. By then I may want to stay in the house to see if I am able to or if it is still too difficult. Since some days now I can't even decide what to eat for breakfast I don't want to make a wrong decision right now. My 2 sons and I go clean up the house one weekend day each week and I go 2-3 weekdays for about 2 hours. Once I go back to work it won't be during the week much if at all. I really appreciate your post as it shows how much you do need to wait to make decisions when grieving.

 

[mommasita]

Christine is bang on @Snowysmom. So frustrating with SS. These things are just as hard/harder than the funeral.
I think you are being wise and courageous, I know the road is difficult, thank you for continuing to check in. You are often in my thoughts

 

[Mousemom234]

I'm glad you have family to help you through this devastating time.

When my DH passed, also unexpectedly and much too soon, we were the only ones left.
We were both newly retired, him from his second career as a school bus driver -- we were getting ready to explore our future, including a planned trip to WDW. Then my world imploded.

I knew I couldn't face living in our home without him, and ended up making several major decisions over the months following.
I know a lot of people say not to, to wait - but somehow, it seemed to be the right thing for me. It was almost as if he was still there for me, telling me it was okay.
I bought a house, a thousand miles and 8 states away, practically sight unseen. Put the house we'd lived in for 34 years on the market, packed my car and the cats, and moved. Somebody else took care of packing my furniture and belongings. All in less than 8 months.

I don't think there's been a day over the last year and a half when I haven't found myself crying over -or smiling at- a memory, or a thought that he would have liked this (whatever this was).

Don't forget to take care of yourself while you work through this. There's a lot to do, and it can overwhelm you at the most unexpected times.
When it does, stop - cry if you need to, have a treat, throw something, scream if it helps. Then go back and think good thoughts while moving ahead.
You never "get over it", and there should be a special circle in He** for the people who tell you to do that. But I can say it gets better. The hole in your heart remains, but it gets a little smaller, and doesn't hurt quite as much.


Barb

 

[smokeyblue]

Thanks Christine. I hear what you are saying and I am truly not making a rush decision. I have it in my mind to wait until the clean up is done in the house. It will take months as DH saved everything including receipts from 20 years ago. I found a bag full last weekend. Crazy, I know, but that is the way he was. It will most likely be late Spring before we are ready to decide what to do. Once the house is clean I will take a look at everything and look at my options. By then I may want to stay in the house to see if I am able to or if it is still too difficult. Since some days now I can't even decide what to eat for breakfast I don't want to make a wrong decision right now. My 2 sons and I go clean up the house one weekend day each week and I go 2-3 weekdays for about 2 hours. Once I go back to work it won't be during the week much if at all. I really appreciate your post as it shows how much you do need to wait to make decisions when grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 2 years ago. The practical stuff like banking, social security, bills, insurance, changing names on utilities and dealing with a leased vehicle was beyond hard on my mom, despite us helping her all the way. From our experience, the 3 month mark was when things eased up on that front. I hope you get some relief from those worries soon.

 

[Snowysmom]

Barb I loved your post because it said so much that spoke to me. Thank you for sharing your experience and journey through the past year and a half. Each day seems more difficult to me now. When someone tells me that it should be getting easier now and am I over it, I just get so angry and so sad that they do not seem to understand the magnitude of what happened. It has only been a little more than 3 weeks for me so it is very raw and very very emotional. My therapist has been very helpful telling me that this is a process and there is no right way to feel while going through the trauma and the grief. Every one is different. I too feel that I cannot live in the house without DH. I may find I change my mind once we clean it out and get it ready to sell but I doubt it. Your post gives me hope that some day I will be able to think of good memories of Chris and smile or even cry a bit when I think of them. Thank you.

 

[ncc1701]

Barb I loved your post because it said so much that spoke to me. Thank you for sharing your experience and journey through the past year and a half. Each day seems more difficult to me now. When someone tells me that it should be getting easier now and am I over it, I just get so angry and so sad that they do not seem to understand the magnitude of what happened. It has only been a little more than 3 weeks for me so it is very raw and very very emotional. My therapist has been very helpful telling me that this is a process and there is no right way to feel while going through the trauma and the grief. Every one is different. I too feel that I cannot live in the house without DH. I may find I change my mind once we clean it out and get it ready to sell but I doubt it. Your post gives me hope that some day I will be able to think of good memories of Chris and smile or even cry a bit when I think of them. Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Three weeks isn't very long to process what you are going through. Regarding ever living back in your home, do you have another bedroom to sleep in? . Since my Dad died over 5 years ago my Mom has slept in my Sister's old bedroom. My Dad's death wasn't a sudden shock ( they were both in their 80s) but my Mom still can't sleep in their bedroom. Please take your time to grieve and live with your "new normal". Same goes for your Children .

 

[evilmommie]

Praying for you and your family. Hoping that your wonderful family memories will help comfort you and bring you peace.

 

[bumbershoot]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Snowysmom]

We are cleaning up the house each weekend. I go three weekdays myself and stay a couple of hours. We have a dumpster coming this week. This weekend my sons will be filling that up with stuff DH had under the porch. I have gotten Chris' clothes sorted out. Some were donated and others I washed for a memory quilt, pillows, and teddy bears. I am trying to get social security to actually answer the phone and make an appointment for me for survivor benefits. I have called 3 times and have been told they will contact me. So far, crickets. Today they keep hanging up on me. I am so angry and frustrated that this is how they are treating people. If I could do it online I would but I can't. I call the medical examiner's office to see when the final certificate will be ready. A very rude person told me 90 days and would not even look up the name. I was told 7-8 weeks by the funeral director. I can't file an ins claim until I have that. It is bad enough I lost my DH but having to deal with all this is adding alot more stress to my life. Chris' birthday is next Monday so I am trying to find a way to remember him without doing what we would have normally done for his birthday. I am thinking of making a one layer chocolate cake that he liked and just having it as dessert for supper. It is low key, a new tradition, and remembers Chris.