Loss of DH

[disneyboundteacher]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my DH Feb 23, 2018. He had a massive heart attack. As the ambulance prepared to leave the house, I looked into his eyes as he left this world. I was in shock. He was planning to retire the next year and we were planning to celebrate with a Disney cruise. I agree with everyone else, do not make any rush decisions. My step daughter wanted me to move in with her. I had lost my mother and father recently and was alone. Within 6 months, I had sold my house and almost all my belongings. I can barely remember the things I did. I don't regret selling. I am grateful that it worked out. We found a wonderful place with a separate 1 bedroom guest house and I see my grandsons everyday. I am so glad she allowed me to continue to be a part of their lives.

Grief and missing a loved one comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are a tsunami and other times they are smaller waves. They do not go away, they just get further apart. They are unpredictable. I can be fine and then wake up in the middle of a raging storm that might last days. I just see it as evidence of the love we shared. We had a trip planned for Disney that June. I went and it was too soon. I stayed in my room and cried. Happily Ever After was new and I could see and hear it from BLT. Talk about emotional! I returned home worse off thinking that I had lost Disney as well. The one thing that DH and I cherished so much. I waited a year and went again. I then took the grandkids to Galaxy's Edge. I still see memories of the ones I lost everywhere in the Parks, but it gets better each time. I am going on that cruise. I figured going on the podcast cruise would be a way to get my feet wet. I know this was a lot about my story, but I wanted to let you know life does go on. Not the way we planned, but it does go on. You just have to learn a new way to navigate the waters. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Snowysmom]

@disneyboundteacher Thank you so much for your story, I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you are able to be with your stepdaughter and grandsons. I am staying with my older DS and family now. I am pretty sure I will be selling the house probably in the Spring and buying a condo. If I am in a transition period why not add that transition. Thank you for your honesty on grief and how it impacted your life. I am finding it to be very similar.

When you mentioned a Disney trip, we had one planned for next week which I did cancel. I also have another one planned for May 2022. I am not sure what I will do with that one. I have until January to decide as I rented DVC points and penalties begin then. We are doing a family Disney trip in October 2022 which DH was looking forward to. Now we will do things he liked and eat things he liked and find other ways to remember him. I picture him coming along in spirit. We also loved foliage trips to NH which I am not sure I can do again or at least not in the next couple of years.

I hope to find new ways to navigate life. Thank you for your prayers.

Take care.

 

[Dan Murphy]

We are cleaning up the house each weekend. I go three weekdays myself and stay a couple of hours. We have a dumpster coming this week. This weekend my sons will be filling that up with stuff DH had under the porch. I have gotten Chris' clothes sorted out. Some were donated and others I washed for a memory quilt, pillows, and teddy bears. I am trying to get social security to actually answer the phone and make an appointment for me for survivor benefits. I have called 3 times and have been told they will contact me. So far, crickets. Today they keep hanging up on me. I am so angry and frustrated that this is how they are treating people. If I could do it online I would but I can't. I call the medical examiner's office to see when the final certificate will be ready. A very rude person told me 90 days and would not even look up the name. I was told 7-8 weeks by the funeral director. I can't file an ins claim until I have that. It is bad enough I lost my DH but having to deal with all this is adding alot more stress to my life. Chris' birthday is next Monday so I am trying to find a way to remember him without doing what we would have normally done for his birthday. I am thinking of making a one layer chocolate cake that he liked and just having it as dessert for supper. It is low key, a new tradition, and remembers Chris.

's Snowysmom. It certainly can be tough at times. And the pandemic is not making it any easier for sure. Hoping things lighten up soon.

And I do like that chocolate cake idea. If I was a neighbor, I'd asked for a slice.

Remember, a day at a time. No long forecasts.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my DH Feb 23, 2018. He had a massive heart attack. As the ambulance prepared to leave the house, I looked into his eyes as he left this world. I was in shock. He was planning to retire the next year and we were planning to celebrate with a Disney cruise. I agree with everyone else, do not make any rush decisions. My step daughter wanted me to move in with her. I had lost my mother and father recently and was alone. Within 6 months, I had sold my house and almost all my belongings. I can barely remember the things I did. I don't regret selling. I am grateful that it worked out. We found a wonderful place with a separate 1 bedroom guest house and I see my grandsons everyday. I am so glad she allowed me to continue to be a part of their lives.

Grief and missing a loved one comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are a tsunami and other times they are smaller waves. They do not go away, they just get further apart. They are unpredictable. I can be fine and then wake up in the middle of a raging storm that might last days. I just see it as evidence of the love we shared. We had a trip planned for Disney that June. I went and it was too soon. I stayed in my room and cried. Happily Ever After was new and I could see and hear it from BLT. Talk about emotional! I returned home worse off thinking that I had lost Disney as well. The one thing that DH and I cherished so much. I waited a year and went again. I then took the grandkids to Galaxy's Edge. I still see memories of the ones I lost everywhere in the Parks, but it gets better each time. I am going on that cruise. I figured going on the podcast cruise would be a way to get my feet wet. I know this was a lot about my story, but I wanted to let you know life does go on. Not the way we planned, but it does go on. You just have to learn a new way to navigate the waters. You will be in my prayers.

Thank you for sharing, dbt. 's

 

[LuvOrlando]

Snowysmom & @disneyboundteacher, hoping for your continued strength.

 

[mommasita]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my DH Feb 23, 2018. He had a massive heart attack. As the ambulance prepared to leave the house, I looked into his eyes as he left this world. I was in shock. He was planning to retire the next year and we were planning to celebrate with a Disney cruise. I agree with everyone else, do not make any rush decisions. My step daughter wanted me to move in with her. I had lost my mother and father recently and was alone. Within 6 months, I had sold my house and almost all my belongings. I can barely remember the things I did. I don't regret selling. I am grateful that it worked out. We found a wonderful place with a separate 1 bedroom guest house and I see my grandsons everyday. I am so glad she allowed me to continue to be a part of their lives.

Grief and missing a loved one comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are a tsunami and other times they are smaller waves. They do not go away, they just get further apart. They are unpredictable. I can be fine and then wake up in the middle of a raging storm that might last days. I just see it as evidence of the love we shared. We had a trip planned for Disney that June. I went and it was too soon. I stayed in my room and cried. Happily Ever After was new and I could see and hear it from BLT. Talk about emotional! I returned home worse off thinking that I had lost Disney as well. The one thing that DH and I cherished so much. I waited a year and went again. I then took the grandkids to Galaxy's Edge. I still see memories of the ones I lost everywhere in the Parks, but it gets better each time. I am going on that cruise. I figured going on the podcast cruise would be a way to get my feet wet. I know this was a lot about my story, but I wanted to let you know life does go on. Not the way we planned, but it does go on. You just have to learn a new way to navigate the waters. You will be in my prayers.

I am sorry for your loss of your precious husband. You outlined and nailed grief very well. Waves are exactly what it is, and we never know when it might hit, and what may trigger it, Sending you lots of love also

 

[mommasita]

@Snowysmom, I wanted to check in on you. I know it’s not easy at all. It doesn’t make it easier on you, but you are so thought of here, it’s heartwarming to read.
I also won’t fill this space with rainbows and butterflies, I will send love. ❤
If you ever need to reach out, please do So

 

[karen4546]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.

 

[Snowysmom]

I made the chocolate cake for DH's birthday. The grandkids called it a remember cake and said we were having a remembrance party. The cake was very good but the day for me, was very sad.

I am having a memory quilt made from DH's polo and dress shirts. I found a place nearby. The woman who does the quilts is so talented and so kind. She made all kinds of great suggestions that will make the quilt a reflection of DH. His interest was astronomy. She is looking into stitching of telescopes and stars for the quilt. I feel like it will be like having a part of DH with me always. Now I am going to have stuffed dogs made from DH's dress shirts for the grandkids and one for me.

The house cleanout is going along slowly. One dumpster has been filled with the bins under the porch and the outside stuff. The pantry has been organized into expired food, food to donate, and food I will take wherever I go. This weekend will be more sorting and throwing out of stuff that needs to go from the top level.

I miss Chris more than I can ever express. I try to keep busy so I don't have time to think. The holidays will be hard and I will probably see the therapist once a week instead of every 10 days. I go back to work on the 29th so that will be a distraction.

Thanks for the support.

 

[mommasita]

I love that you made the cake, making new memories , traditions, it’s very hard to do. We don’t want new ones, we want what we had, so giant hugs to you on that. @Snowysmom

The memory quilt sounds wonderful, you can have Chris with you everywhere. Snuggle up watching tv, if you go anywhere, etc.

You are accomplishing a lot, I know you have to, I’m just a little worried after, sometimes when we are so so busy, some of our grief is delayed. I lost both my Mother and step-father together, so had to empty their home as you are, and it was a lot, very emotional for me, and after it was like a tsunami hit me. I hope I don’t come off harsh. I don’t mean to. I Just wanted to let you know it may be
a possibility.

Lots of love to you, love, friends, compassion, we all need it to get through the hardest times. ❤

 

[Snowysmom]

You are accomplishing a lot, I know you have to, I’m just a little worried after, sometimes when we are so so busy, some of our grief is delayed. I lost both my Mother and step-father together, so had to empty their home as you are, and it was a lot, very emotional for me, and after it was like a tsunami hit me. I hope I don’t come off harsh. I don’t mean to. I Just wanted to let you know it may be
a possibility.

I totally understand what you are saying and I know it is not harsh, but caring. I have had similar concerns that once I am done being so busy I crash emotionally. I just really feel the need to be settled somewhere by Spring, that right now I really don't have a home that is mine to live in, and this house will take that long to clean out. DH was the ultimate pack rat. I do alot of crying as I find things that remind me of him. Yesterday we were supposed to be starting our Disney trip. While cleaning I found so many Disney items from previous trips it was spooky. I found pictures of the family on Splash Mountain and Test Track, autograph books, pins, and other stuff. I just cried and cried. I do alot of grieving as I go through things so it is part of my grief process and hopefully won't become too big to manage later. Since I go back to work at the end of the month I won't have the weekdays to clean at the house so I am trying to maximize my time.

Yesterday I told my younger DS that I don't want to make new traditions and routines. I want the old ones with DH. He agreed. I do keep in touch with my sons and how they are feeling. I know they have their families and demanding jobs to help them get through. My therapist said I am the one most affected by the loss as we lived together for so long and were empty nesters.

Thank you for your concern and relating your experience when your mother and step father passed. I appreciate the support.

 

[Snowysmom]

I just started back to work starting with 30 hours a week for now. It is the second day and it just seems strange and a bit overwhelming. DH and I worked from home together for 18 months and had routines we followed with breakfast, lunch, walks, and before we lost our dog we walked him. I am now working from older DS's house. It is a distraction though and keeps my mind occupied for a few hours.

Thanksgiving was tough to get through. I took 2 walks, went upstairs many times, and watched the grandkids play a bit. My birthday is coming up and that will be tough as DH would make it a special day for me. I am making sure it is just a regular day for me, with no mention of my birthday. I told my kids I would like to just skip the holidays and go right to Jan 2.

We are still cleaning out the house. We really did not realize what we were in for. Once we fill the dumpster we have now I am thinking of calling a junk hauling place to get an estimate on taking away the rest of the junk from the bottom floor. The only issue is there is probably some stuff we want to keep and other stuff we will want to take pictures of before we toss it. We will have to think about that. My sons are getting tired from all the work and I would like to have a sense of when I can make a final decision on the house. I am 99% sure I will sell and buy a condo. The house really is too big for me and too much maintenance. It is heartbreaking cleaning out the house and finding things like wedding invitations to our wedding, anniversary cards DH gave me, and other sentimental stuff.

On the bright side, we just bought plane tickets for a family Disney trip next October. The prices were good yesterday and we had to use some up travel bank credits. Now we are going to figure out the hotel where we will stay. It is something to look forward to. I have to cancel the trip I planned for May for DH and I as I don't want to go alone. My first trip back to Disney should be with my family. I am thinking of going to NH for a few days and a friend offered to go with me if I do not want to go alone. We'll see how I feel as it gets closer.

 

[mommasita]

@Snowysmom , getting back to work is so tough after such a loss. Even made more “strange“ in these times. I hope 30 hours is a good amount, but not too much for you, sometimes it’s like a relief to have something almost normal in our lives. I hope the return isn’t too rough.

Regarding your Birthday And holidays, I completely understand. I hope you do as YOU wish. The first year we gave away anything Xmas related, and go to Florida until it’s over. I can’t do it. So I understand you.

Sorting the house is a lot, especially as we are tired from our own grief. The emotions we feel finding things, it’s so difficult to put it all into words. Just think my dear, each day is one day closer to it being done, not one day less.

I am so glad to hear you are planning a family trip!! it may be a nice idea to have a friend go with you to NH, or if she is able to meet you there, just so you may possibly want some quiet time first.

I send you love and courage my friend, lots of love

 

[WebmasterKathy]

@Snowysmom, checking in on you. I lost my husband a few years ago. He was only 50, we were looking forward to lots of years of working and traveling, grandkids and retirement. Those first few months were a confused and angry blur, the whole first year was so painful. I am so sorry you are having to navigate this road.

The holidays were particularly difficult, and I’m wishing you much strength and peace, especially right now.

The grief is not something you get over, but you do manage to get through. Give yourself much grace, allow yourself to remember and feel. Get angry, get sad, wallow in memories and photos and favorite songs. Visit that dark place when you need to, but don’t stay there. There is no timeline on grief, but I definitely found that first year to be full of traps and emotional triggers… the first Christmas without him, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays, the registration on his car coming due. All were hardest the first time without him.

You will see the sun again. You will make new memories, new friends, learn to do alone the things you used to do together. Life will be different, but his memory will always be with you, part of who you are.

The plans you’re making for the family trip sound wonderful! New memories.

 

[Snowysmom]

Thankfully Christmas is in the rearview mirror. It was a tough day and a tough season. We were planning on going to younger DS's house for brunch. Then I was going with his family to DDIL's parents for a gathering. Then I was going back to their house to spend the night and spend more time with the grandkids. Younger DS and DDIL went to a wedding last weekend. Unfortunately younger DS tested positive for covid. Every one else is negative. Thankfully he feels fine but is quarantined on the third floor in the master suite of his house. Christmas visits were canceled. I just stayed put at older DS's house. He and family went to older DDIL's family for a party. I stayed at older DS's house with the dog. Younger DS called me and we talked for about an hour which was nice. I heated up a frozen lasagna and had a glass of wine with it. I watched Hallmark movies and cried a bit. It was quiet anyway and I talked to DH as I tend to do every day. I missed the books he would give me and the clothes he would pick out for me for gifts. The clothes could be somewhat interesting and returns were frequent. But it is the thought that counts I also missed picking out gifts for DH and trying to find what he would like. I loved opening our stockings together. New Year's is the next hurdle. I have to think that DH made his transition this year and I need to make my transition to a new chapter in my life in 2022. Daunting thought for sure.

 

[Snowysmom]

Just stopping by for an update. It is 5 months since I lost DH. I get through each day the best I can. Some days are better than others. I feel like lately I have taken a step or 2 backwards but that is all part of it according to my therapist. I still miss Chris every. I do yell at him sometimes and ask why he did not call the doctor when he knew he had serious symptoms of heart issues. I asked him several times to go and he said he was not going down that road of doctors and tests. He said he was just getting older. Well, that decision was costly. So I yell at him as I drive down the highway or work at home. I tell him he could have been with us if he just went to the doctor. We had physicals set up for Nov and I told him if he did not tell the doctor I would. However he never made it to the appt.

My house is ready to go on the market this week. Now I have to find a place to live. I was going to look at one floor condos but have seeing a couple of them I know they are not for me. I am looking for a townhouse condo. It is more home like. This winter really makes me realize I cannot stay at my house for more reasons than Chris passed there and it is too big. I have knee replacements and if I slip and fall on the ice it would be a big issue for me. So what was I doing this winter? I was chopping ice in my driveway, shoveling snow after the plow did my driveway, cleaned snow off the old van in my driveway, pushed large trash bins to the end of the driveway on sheer ice hoping I don't fall, and balancing down an icy walkway. I kept hearing Chris' voice in my ear telling me to get off the ice. He always walked me to the car when there was ice. My kids did what they could but they have jobs and family. Younger DS did come over to finish chopping the ice while I shoveled it. So time to move to a new chapter and it is not easy. Sometimes I can do ok and then the tears just come. Or I get the urge to yell. I think if I can get a comfortable place to live maybe I can move forward a bit. Right now with having to deal with everything such as the house and the admin issues it is hard to take care of myself so that has taken a back seat.

 

[mommasita]

@Snowysmom I’m so sorry you are hurting so much, and so hard. Grief certainly can throw us some punches when we don’t even expect it. Not that we are not always hurting, it’s like that tidal wave just comes for us.

You sound like you know what you need in terms of a home, it sounds wise and logical. Try to remember to take care of yourself, you should be a priority. I know it’s easier said than done.
I wanted to point out, you sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother, you always speak highly of your children and put them first. You are a great woman.

 

[Mousemom234]

{{{ HUG ! }}}

I hear you. Been almost 2 years, and not a day passes that I still don't think of Ross.
I find myself thinking "I wish you were here" -- which is silly, because if he was here, I wouldn't be here.

Paperwork -- ugh. Fortunately, I had a very good team to help me handle that. (mostly). Social Security did take forever, and I had to get my financial advisor to sit in and get me somebody to finally talk to. But when we did, their person bent over backward to get me more than I had ever thought I was entitled to.

But remember to take "you time." Pencil yourself in as an appointment, if you need to.
I was a bit lax on that myself, starting to slink back into apathy and depression, and I needed to take a short step back from the whirlwind.
Now I make a date with myself to go out to lunch (every other Friday), or go shopping, or just spend some time doing what I want to do, not just what I have to do.
You have family - cherish them.

Another support service to look into is Modern Widows Club. My FA pointed me at them, and their website has been quite helpful. They have chapters all over the U.S.
Maybe one day I'll muster up the courage to go to a local meeting, but for now, the virtual ones have helped. They understand, because they've been there, too.

One thing, that might sound odd, or even wrong/bad, is to drop people from your life.
If they're not supportive of YOUR needs, or what they say bothers you - drop them. At least for a while. I've dropped a few, and some dropped me. Once I was no longer part of a couple, it seemed like some "friends" thought I was no longer worth their time. They aren't worth mine, either, with that attitude.

Hopefully, you'll find a place that just 'tells' you it's the right one.
I may have moved too quickly, but I couldn't stay in NH. Also, I wanted to be gone by winter.
Somehow, though, I found a nice place, and I'm pretty sure that it's the place I'll be for the rest of my life. People ask me how I found this community, and I tell them, honestly, that I don't have a clue. But somehow, I just knew that it was the right move.
No idea why I ended up visiting there, or how I even really found it. I'm thinking a higher power may have had a hand in it.

I'd looked at a few apartments, visited some 'open houses', and nothing seemed quite right. But one place I found on the internet just called to me. It was 8 states away.
I flew down in August for the weekend, looked at 3 houses, then took a 'tour' around the main building (they'd JUST gone back into lockdown, and weren't letting people inside). I went home, with a pile of brochures about the area. 2 days later, I called the agent back, and made an offer on house #2. Closed in late September, moved in November.

I don't know if you've thought about a continuing care community, but you might want to look into it. The one I moved to is VERY supportive, and the people here actually DO care - staff and residents alike. It's very much like the neighbourhood I grew up in - where people watch out for each other, and do things together. Many of the people here still go to work - they're not all retired old fogeys
I currently have a small house in one of the sub-divisions, and don't need any extra assistance. But when I do need to, I'll be able to transition into a higher level of services, without having to move away. I'll sell the house, and move around the corner into an apartment. (this time with a professional mover).

Life has changed - change with it. Bend, if need be, but don't let it break you. Cherish the memories, but don't let them take over. Be strong. For your family, for Chris, and most importantly, for yourself.


Barb

 

[Snowysmom]

@Mousemom234 Thank you for the great advice. I am still navigating this journey being only 5 months into it. Some days the waters are very choppy and other days it can be a bit smoother. I can cry out of nowhere and then yell at Chris for not going to see the doctor. Emotions are all over the place. I understand what you say about friends. You do find out who your real friends are. I have 3 friends and my half sister who have been amazing. One is long distance but she emails me to see how things are going and is supportive. Some people at work do not know how to talk to me and one person will talk with everyone but then give me a quick hi and almost run back to his office. I don't go into the office much so it isn't a big deal. My friend says he does that because it is too close to comfort for him. He is older and may think it could happen to him and his family. I am not contagious. Some people think I should be all over it by now and have lost patience with me. Well, I have lost patience with them. This is my life and I can grieve how I need to and how long I need to.

I do need a place to call my own. My house will most likely be sold soon after the open house. The contingency is that I have a condo bought before we finalize any sale. I will see how that goes. If my kids were scattered across the country I would look outside of MA for a condo. I love NH and that would be a nice place. But, we have agreed that I should be near them as I get older. My area does not have the type of community that you have. There are assisted living places that have higher levels of care as you need them. There are 55+ communities that are just residential. I would prefer a place where people of all ages live but will not rule out a 55+ community if I find the right place.

I do have one question. Chris and I loved to travel and thankfully did alot since the kids left home. I am glad we did not put it off. I have thought about traveling alone to places, especially Disney. Have you done any trips? My friends are not big Disney people or cruise people and I enjoy both. One friend will do trips to North Conway and one wants to go to Denali like me. Other than that it looks like if I want to go to Disney after my family trip this Fall I will have to go it alone.

I am glad you have found the right place for you. I like the idea of making lunch dates with myself and shopping dates. I really appreciate your insight. Thank you.

 

[lpereira]

There isn't much anyone can say. My mother lost my dad about 10 years ago.
Until you've been there you can't imagine.
My mother ended up not being able to stay in their home by herself. Fortunately my husband is from a country that does multigenerational living. We moved and bought a house with her input and it is her house as well as ours. Fate gave her granddaughter from us a few years after that has kept her occupied.
You don't have to do anything right now. Hire someone to handle the appointments and changes and other organizational things that have to be done and just do you for a bit.
Then when you are ready take your next steps.