Losing a parent - sadness/depression

[elphaba91]

Oh, the wanting to make a phone call is the worst. Because it just comes to me so quickly and then BAM reality hits and makes me realize that it's an impossibility.

My grandmother used to always call my mother on a Sunday night - about 20 minutes into the Sunday night movie, which really annoyed her. The first Sunday after my grandmother died, 20 minutes into Sleepless in Seattle, the phone rang. There was nobody there.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP your Mom will come to you in some way when you least expect it. Be open to "seizing" the sign that she is there. When you see a sign, you will just "know". Remember, our dreams are how we work things out in our subconscious. Your mom is right there in your consciousness all the time, in the forefront of your mind so to speak, so no need for any subconscious work just yet.

I believe, and always have, that there is a very thin veil between us and our loved ones who have passed.

Be gentle with yourself. It's only been 3 weeks. There is no proper way to mourn. You're going to be sad. You're going to cry. You're going to ache with missing her. But time will heal you. Not make your life back to what us was, because that is not possible. It will heal you within the new direction your life takes.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I've been sitting here nodding my head over this page of posts I look like a bobble head ...c'mon laugh you know you want too....best medicine in world

The Sunday phone calls yes The phone ringing and " no one" there I can believe that Like I said previous I still want to pick up the phone and connect " Hey Daddy, guess what ......? " I still do this... just in a different way

I too believe there is a fine veil between us That they are very much aware and that we will be together again Not going to get " religious " here different beliefs but seek comfort in the knowledge that everyone here can relate

Yes seize the unexpected don't try to make it happen and then get upset when it doesn't I have found so much peace in this:


All is well by Canon H. Scott Holland
"Death is just an open door
I have only slipped away
into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
it is the same as it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near;
safe and secure,
all is well."

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, I thought of you when reading the article about actor James Rebhorn writing his own obituary. In his own words he said he hoped his children grieved as long as necessry, but then got on with their work because they had important things to do. I'm sure all parents feel the same.

Glad to hear you are doing well. It looks like you have found some friends here who are struggling as you are right now. So wonderful that you have found support and understanding in each other.

 

[pixiej82]

I lost my mom on February 17. They found the cancer on January 2, placed her in hospice, and the next day I drove 30 hours from TX to NC to be with her. We had no idea it would happen that fast but I'm glad that I got to spend those last 6 weeks with her. Years ago I bought her a cell phone and added her line to my contract and I finally cancelled it yesterday. I cried right there in the phone store. It still feels like it's not real sometimes, that it didn't happen. My mom was very young, only 51, and I imagined her being around for so many more moments in my life. My heart goes out to all of you because I know exactly how you feel. I'm thankful to have found this thread because I don't have very many people to talk to.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

I lost my mom on February 17. They found the cancer on January 2, placed her in hospice, and the next day I drove 30 hours from TX to NC to be with her. We had no idea it would happen that fast but I'm glad that I got to spend those last 6 weeks with her. Years ago I bought her a cell phone and added her line to my contract and I finally cancelled it yesterday. I cried right there in the phone store. It still feels like it's not real sometimes, that it didn't happen. My mom was very young, only 51, and I imagined her being around for so many more moments in my life. My heart goes out to all of you because I know exactly how you feel. I'm thankful to have found this thread because I don't have very many people to talk to.

I am so sorry for your loss and all of the losses on the thread. I did not post yet as I had a hard time getting through the first page or so. I know how the OP and many of you feel. I lost my dad on 2/21/13 and the first year I really did cry everyday. These past few weeks have been better and I have gotten through many days without crying. I never imagined the loss of a parent would be quite as hard as it is. I knew it would not be easy, but I guess I never thought it would be this bad either.

 

[maxaroni]

Thinking of you right now and praying for you. I'm glad that my post has helped you as well. I has been really helpful for me to hear others' stories, although I really would much rather be bonding over other subjects rather than the loss of our mothers. Sending you hugs right now!!!

My mind is all sorts of scattered. I burned my hand on the oven tonight. I bent my fingernail all the way back opening a carton of ice cream - snapping it off so short that it hurts. It's one silly mishap after another. I should just quit while I'm ahead.

Ruthie - I'll be in Disney 4/28 - 5/8. I'm up for meeting up if you are. If not, I just want you to know that your kind words have touched my heart, and I thank you!

Jeanette...Ouch! Be careful. However, I fully understand the mind being scattered. I work full time and there are times my head is just "out there" and I have to take a deep breath to regroup. I am sure it's hard being home all day and more time to think. For me, it's hard working all day...while it's good to keep active and helps the mind, it's hard to be "on" and "upbeat" all day. I find once I walk out and get into my car at the end of the day, a "switch is flipped" and I just start thinking about mom. I do talk to her in the car a lot.

Things that I find are hard is seeing her name in the church bulletin...once when she passed and then in the masses for her. Reading notes in the sympathy cards....they are really talking about my mom and this is because she has passed. I received a very special one yesterday from a cousin and it touched me deeply.

{{{HUGS}}} to you....

for all of us who have lost a parent

 

[Luvchefmic]

Good Morning I want to thank you Jeanette for starting this thread you have touched many lives There have been many threads over the years that have been started when someone experiences a loss but this one is so very different to me It feels like a real connection and circle of friends I think our parents would be happy about that

I find myself thinking of everyone of you throughout the day and look forward to checking in with you Good can come out of pain and loss

Ruthie

 

[Deesknee]

To the OP - I am so sorry for your loss. I found this thread because Luvchefmic sent me here. She told me what a supportive thread it is. the below post is exactly how I feel. That is as far as I have read thus far. But I wanted to comment. First, it is ironic the day you posted this 3/20/14 would have been my Dad's 90th bday. We lost him Feb. 2013.

Terribly sorry for your loss.

Cut yourself some slack, your whole world has only just been rocked to the core. It's okay that you feel sad -- and a lot of other things about the situation. Just don't forget to look back with happiness and gratitude also. Your mother deserves being remembered happily. I'm positive her wishes raising you was that you would grow to be happy and healthy. Do what you need to do to grieve and find new footing in your happy life.

I hope the day comes very soon that the first thing that will happen when you think of your mom is a smile crosses your face.

I know it feels your heart will never feel light again. It will. It will never be the same. But it will be light. You will see good & hear laughter. BUT for now, feel the pain & move through it at your own pace. I would say, when/if a moment comes when you think, I am sick of feeling this way, that is when you may want to consider reaching out for help.
What experience do I have? In 1997 my brother was in an auto accident & died. 2 weeks prior we had held his 40th bday at my home. My mom was NEVER the same. My Gram (best friend, much like you talk of your mom) died in 2007. 2009 my best friend had a stroke, 2010 my mom went in a nursing home in Nov., my other best friend/father figure died 1 month later on Christmas day, 11 months later my mom passed 4months later the friend that had the stroke died, 5months later my FIL passed 6 months later my dad.
I would no sooner feel like MAYBE I can go on & I would experience another loss. Plus my triplets went off to college at the beginning of this all. I didn't realize what a mess I was. But today, I smile, I laugh, I tell stories of my loved ones that totatlly p'd me off, and of the ones that made me love them so much. Each day in this world is an adventure. Each person we have touches our heart. That causes extreme pain when they are taken from our grips, but if we do not let it go eventually, there is no room for others to touch our hearts, and THAT would be the saddest of all losses.
I am going back to read everyone elses posts. I apologize if this doesn't help. I apologize if someone already said this stuff.
Two other comments, when my brother died I felt bad for crying a lot. Someone said to me, why? didn't he deserve your love? doesn't he deserve those tears for his parting? I became more gentle with myself after that.
The other thing someone said was sometimes a walk in the sunshine with upbeat music on is more therapeutic than the most wisest of Psychologists.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Beautiful Dee I knew you belonged here Dee and I met last year at WDW and we are sisters now I wanted her to share her wise words, feelings, and help encourage everyone I originally reached out to her after reading her thread re-marriage vow renewal when my own marriage was hanging over a cliff There are NO coincidences in life we meet who we are supposed to and learn from each other I feel blessed to have met all of you here

 

[JeanetteK]

Deesknee -- Oh my goodness. What can I say of your story? How so very sad. I honestly don't know how I would be able to function. But, I guess you (general) just do. You go on because you have to. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I appreciate that Loveschefmic invited you over here to share with me.

I've checked in with the threat but found myself unable to respond. I think I'm in the denial phase. If I just go about my day as normal, watch TV, clean the kitchen, make the coffee, cook dinner . . . it lulls me into a false state of not facing that she is gone. But as I sit at night, the emptiness just swallows me. The tears won't even come. Not like before. Three days, no tears. But I don't feel good about that. I don't feel relief that there are no tears. It's a betrayal. I want to cry for her.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I really don't know how to explain it any better. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring as far as my emotional state. I still haven't been able to go through the things in my trunk. It's like I can't even focus on her at all. That in itself is sad. I still say goodnight to her every night as I turn off my computer (her picture is my desktop picture). But I feel like it's such a fleeting thing, but I don't have the strength right now to do anything else. I just honestly feel empty.

What I do know -- I miss her desperately. My heart is shattered. I don't know that I'll ever recover from this. My dad said to me the other day (he and my mom were divorced for almost 30 years), he said "well at least you have your memories." You know what? That really ticked me off. It made me angry. I wanted to scream at him. It's not the same!!! It's not the same when all I want is to have my mom back. I want to hear her voice. I want to hug her. I want to tell her all day long that I love her. I don't want to hear that at least I have my memories. I want my mommy, damn it!

Thanks to all that have and continue to post here. I'm glad this post has helped many as much as it has helped me. I didn't mean to get negative and gripe about my dad there at the end, but I just needed to explain that to someone who is not family.

Maxironi - I hope you're doing okay. My sister said the same thing about when she gets off work. She focuses on her job all day, but as soon as she gets in the car - her mind is solely on mom. Sending you a hug, my friend, as I'm sure you need one as much as I do.

Take care everyone,

Jeanette

 

[maxaroni]

Deesknee -- Oh my goodness. What can I say of your story? How so very sad. I honestly don't know how I would be able to function. But, I guess you (general) just do. You go on because you have to. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I appreciate that Loveschefmic invited you over here to share with me.

I've checked in with the threat but found myself unable to respond. I think I'm in the denial phase. If I just go about my day as normal, watch TV, clean the kitchen, make the coffee, cook dinner . . . it lulls me into a false state of not facing that she is gone. But as I sit at night, the emptiness just swallows me. The tears won't even come. Not like before. Three days, no tears. But I don't feel good about that. I don't feel relief that there are no tears. It's a betrayal. I want to cry for her.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I really don't know how to explain it any better. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring as far as my emotional state. I still haven't been able to go through the things in my trunk. It's like I can't even focus on her at all. That in itself is sad. I still say goodnight to her every night as I turn off my computer (her picture is my desktop picture). But I feel like it's such a fleeting thing, but I don't have the strength right now to do anything else. I just honestly feel empty.

What I do know -- I miss her desperately. My heart is shattered. I don't know that I'll ever recover from this. My dad said to me the other day (he and my mom were divorced for almost 30 years), he said "well at least you have your memories." You know what? That really ticked me off. It made me angry. I wanted to scream at him. It's not the same!!! It's not the same when all I want is to have my mom back. I want to hear her voice. I want to hug her. I want to tell her all day long that I love her. I don't want to hear that at least I have my memories. I want my mommy, damn it!

Thanks to all that have and continue to post here. I'm glad this post has helped many as much as it has helped me. I didn't mean to get negative and gripe about my dad there at the end, but I just needed to explain that to someone who is not family.

Maxironi - I hope you're doing okay. My sister said the same thing about when she gets off work. She focuses on her job all day, but as soon as she gets in the car - her mind is solely on mom. Sending you a hug, my friend, as I'm sure you need one as much as I do.

Take care everyone,

Jeanette

Jeanette, I am so sorry. I certainly understand and you explained it very well. I go through periods of denial and find the emotions just swing from one to the next. There is no timetable and suspect all of what you are feeling is completely normal. If you need to try calling hospice and seeing about a support group. It may help. You can PM me anytime. I feel numb these days and can't wrap my head around this. My parents were married 58 years and together since they were 15. For me, as hard as I have it, my dad is a lost and heartbroken man. As I've said, we are all only children and I feel the weight of things on my shoulders. In other words, I am grieving for my mom but hear the sadness and emptiness in him and hurt for him so very much. I have to check on him to see that he is ok and to hear him, it is gut wrenching. I see him aging, especially the last few year taking care of mom. I know he will eventually not be able to be on his own and who knows how is journey will play out. We all have different situations but the grieving process is basically the same.

I am still going through the extreme fatigue and am sure working and needing to be "on" during the day and then that complete change as though a switch is inside of me, doesn't help. My point is just the emotions and physical strength of getting through the work day, adds to the fatigue of grief. It is all encompassing.
We have dinner and I am basically shot and half asleep afterwards.

As someone said to my dad in a card, when someone is sick for so long, you know what is coming. However, the reality of it all is so completely different and shattering.

Hang in there my friend. We will get through this, one day at a time..even if it's one minute to the next.

 

[cabanafrau]

Deesknee -- Oh my goodness. What can I say of your story? How so very sad. I honestly don't know how I would be able to function. But, I guess you (general) just do. You go on because you have to. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I appreciate that Loveschefmic invited you over here to share with me.

I've checked in with the threat but found myself unable to respond. I think I'm in the denial phase. If I just go about my day as normal, watch TV, clean the kitchen, make the coffee, cook dinner . . . it lulls me into a false state of not facing that she is gone. But as I sit at night, the emptiness just swallows me. The tears won't even come. Not like before. Three days, no tears. But I don't feel good about that. I don't feel relief that there are no tears. It's a betrayal. I want to cry for her.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I really don't know how to explain it any better. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring as far as my emotional state. I still haven't been able to go through the things in my trunk. It's like I can't even focus on her at all. That in itself is sad. I still say goodnight to her every night as I turn off my computer (her picture is my desktop picture). But I feel like it's such a fleeting thing, but I don't have the strength right now to do anything else. I just honestly feel empty.

What I do know -- I miss her desperately. My heart is shattered. I don't know that I'll ever recover from this. My dad said to me the other day (he and my mom were divorced for almost 30 years), he said "well at least you have your memories." You know what? That really ticked me off. It made me angry. I wanted to scream at him. It's not the same!!! It's not the same when all I want is to have my mom back. I want to hear her voice. I want to hug her. I want to tell her all day long that I love her. I don't want to hear that at least I have my memories. I want my mommy, damn it!

Thanks to all that have and continue to post here. I'm glad this post has helped many as much as it has helped me. I didn't mean to get negative and gripe about my dad there at the end, but I just needed to explain that to someone who is not family.

Maxironi - I hope you're doing okay. My sister said the same thing about when she gets off work. She focuses on her job all day, but as soon as she gets in the car - her mind is solely on mom. Sending you a hug, my friend, as I'm sure you need one as much as I do.

Take care everyone,

Jeanette

I'm sorry you're down in a valley again. Seeking out a support group is probably a good idea. It's also probably a really good idea to seek out some distraction in the evenings. How about getting together with some girlfriends to walk or go to the gym? Activity will raise your endorphin levels naturally, help you sleep better and all of that will help you cope just a smidge better. How about investigating something you have an interest in -- a nice gardening class for spring could be nice if you have any interest in sometihng like that. Something that comes with a component of producing a result or doing something that helps others is probably a very good way to channel some of your energies right now into a positive. Think of it as a tribute to your mom if that helps.

You're not angry at your dad. He's doing what he can to help you through it. You're angry at death, probably too angry to cry right now. Not crying isn't a betrayal. Not crying is where you're at with it right now & that's okay. When the tears need to come, they will come and that's okay too. Just don't make those feelings your BFF. Your mother raised you with hopes and dreams of happiness. Keep moving through and do the job of grieving you need to get done, but give it an end date -- then get on with the business of fulfilling the hopes and dreams of happiness in your life. Not letting that sadness go would be a disservice to your mom and NOT what she wants for you or your siblings.

 

[Luvchefmic]

One of my favorite movies is Steel Magnolias...you my friends are MY steel magnolias The scene where Sally Field ( as M'Lynn ) in the cemetery loses it emotionally is so true to life

Emotions are going to run rampant It's ok sometimes there are no tears sometimes we just scream Why !!!?? and want to hit something or someone

Don't beat yourself up over what you feel or don't feel Don't feel guilty about your emotions and for God's sake don't don't turn to " comfort food " lesson learned my best friend was ice cream that first year and whoa fifty pounds later !

You're going to be able to laugh, and then you will feel guilty that you are..it will get easier I PROMISE I would be a liar if I said I never feel the range of emotions or have paralyzing grief after almost 14 years but I do and it passes

Physical activity and getting together with people will help One minute at a time

 

[marthachick]

OP and others who have lost parents- I am truly sorry for your losses. DH's parents died last August, 3 days apart after months of sickness. He is an only child so all decisions were his to make. I helped him the best I could but it didn't seem (to me) to be enough. We cancelled 3 vacations last year to help take care of them. In October we took a long weekend trip to Pigeon Forge and then went to WDW in December. The trips were wonderful and really helped all of us.

Earlier this week was my mom's birthday. I spent the day with her and felt guilty when I was telling him about what we did. He didn't want me to feel guilty or try to make me feel guilty, but I did.

He still struggles with the loss and some days are worse than others. The past few weeks he's not been feeling well and I think maybe he's having some mild depression. He's going to the doctor next week.

 

[JeanetteK]

Thanks everyone. Today was a little more on the "normal" side. Did some cleaning, talked to my mother-in-law, made a delicious chicken alfredo casserole. Just seemed like a normal day. Tomorrow I am cooking dinner for my step-dad and his brothers and sisters-in-law. It will be good to spend time with all of them.

Continued hugs and prayers for everyone that is struggling in any way today.

Take care,

Jeanette

 

[7165red]

Thanks everyone. Today was a little more on the "normal" side. Did some cleaning, talked to my mother-in-law, made a delicious chicken alfredo casserole. Just seemed like a normal day. Tomorrow I am cooking dinner for my step-dad and his brothers and sisters-in-law. It will be good to spend time with all of them.

Continued hugs and prayers for everyone that is struggling in any way today.

Take care,

Jeanette

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better today.

 

[Luvchefmic]

A " normal " day is great...they will come more often

 

[JeanetteK]

Had a really nice day with my step-dad and my "step" aunts and uncles. We talked about mom and told stories. It was a very good day. We all found ourselves sitting around the table just laughing about the "mom" stories. I needed today.

Found out today, though, that mom's grave marker probably won't be in by Mother's Day. I was so hoping it would be there.

Thinking of you all tonight. Continued prayers for all of us struggling.

Jeanette

 

[Julia M]

Jeanette, I'm so sorry for your loss. In reading so many stories in this thread, I am just so sad. I was drawn to it, I think, because my own dad is ill and it's been hard, much harder than I anticipated. The doctors won't give us a time frame, except to say that we'll know more after the chemo starts. But the odds of us celebrating another Christmas together aren't very good.

Anyway, my best to everyone. In sort of a warped way, it was helpful realizing I'm not alone.