Losing a parent - sadness/depression

[JeanetteK]

I am posting here only because I need somewhere to get my feelings out. I can't post on my FB - well I could, but . . . I think my friends might think I'm a big baby for all my posts I've made recently about my mother.

My mom passed away on March 3. We buried her on March 7. Tomorrow will be two weeks since her funeral. She was absolutely my best friend. We really enjoyed each other's company. Before she was sick, we would always lunch together and go shopping, or just spend the day with each other looking through her cookbooks trying to find new recipes to try out. I talked to her on the phone at least every other day. We loved baking together.

Three years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live. I know that we got a lot more time with her than what the doctors had predicted. After her diagnosis and after she came home from the hospital, she had a Hospice nurse come to the house once a week. On Monday, February 24, she came down with pneumonia. They moved her from her house to the inpatient Hospice center on Thursday, February 27. My husband and I went to see her the next day, Friday. I was really optimistic about her chances of making it back home. We were all optimistic. She was eating okay, she had nice coloring in her face, she was talking and laughing. Saturday and Sunday, both, I got good reports that she was doing well. We got a bad snow storm Sunday and she made us all promise not to come up to Hospice to visit. She never liked any of us out and about driving in the stuff. The nurse said she was doing well Sunday. Then, Sunday night, something happened. They think she aspirated. Monday morning we got the call to come to Hospice because she wasn't doing well. She passed that night at 6:30.

I have never felt such pain in my life. There is such an emptiness inside of me. It's been two weeks since she's passed, and it already feels like she's been gone for an eternity. I miss her so much. There have been times already where I will reach for the phone to call her, and then remember that I can't. I can't stop crying. My mom was the greatest person. She was so loving and kind, and was always there for us. I am 46 and my mom was 68. I feel like a five year old child. I just want my mommy. I miss her so, so much.

Sorry for the long post and ramblings, but I just need an outlet.

 

[sunnyday123]

I'm so very sorry. It sucks. I lost my Dad on 12/21 to colon cancer, and my Mom has Stage IV Breast Cancer. After my Dad passed, she has been horrible to me, and isn't speaking to me. I'm a complete mess.

 

[wdwmom2]

I lost my parents when I was 30 years old. My dad passed July 1995, mom followed September same year.

It was VERY hard in the beginning. I cried, a lot!! Heck, sometimes I still cry.

Eventually, there will come a time when the happy memories will come more often than the pain of losing them.

May you find peace during this difficult time

 

[undertheradar]

 

[cabanafrau]

Terribly sorry for your loss.

Cut yourself some slack, your whole world has only just been rocked to the core. It's okay that you feel sad -- and a lot of other things about the situation. Just don't forget to look back with happiness and gratitude also. Your mother deserves being remembered happily. I'm positive her wishes raising you was that you would grow to be happy and healthy. Do what you need to do to grieve and find new footing in your happy life.

I hope the day comes very soon that the first thing that will happen when you think of your mom is a smile crosses your face.

 

[JeanetteK]

I'm so very sorry. It sucks. I lost my Dad on 12/21 to colon cancer, and my Mom has Stage IV Breast Cancer. After my Dad passed, she has been horrible to me, and isn't speaking to me. I'm a complete mess.

Oh, I'm sorry for your loss and now the situation with your mom. That must be really tough, and made all the more tougher by losing your dad.

 

[JeanetteK]

Thanks for the kind words. Right now I just can't find joy in anything. I "talk" to my mom every day sitting here looking at her picture. My DH and I have a trip coming up next month to WDW and I can't even focus and concentrate on that. How can I look forward to a vacation with so much sadness in me right now? The first time I laughed after she passed, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't be laughing. But I know that she wouldn't want us sitting around crying and being sad. I really miss talking to her.

 

[sunnyday123]

Oh, I'm sorry for your loss and now the situation with your mom. That must be really tough, and made all the more tougher by losing your dad.

Thanks. Didn't mean to be all hijacky in your thread. My step-father called me and said she's starting chemo. I know they had told her that would be a last step, if they even ever did it. They found tumors or nodules on her kidneys and something else. I can't remember what he told me. She's mad because my brother emptied my father's savings account, and I had the audacity to accuse him.

 

[2Kds2K9]

Big hugs to you. Your feelings are justified. There is no right or wrong to the grieving process and it takes as long as it takes. You will have good and bad days. Yes, there will be times when you will just start crying and not really know what triggered it. It could have been the sight of you moms favorite color or the smell of a special meal shared with your mom.

How do I know this? Been there and the best thing I can tell you is it doesn't get "better", it gets "different", if that makes sense. My mom passed away at the age of 63 18 years ago. Four days later I gave birth to my DD. It was a very difficult time, but with lots of prayers and many talks with friends, I made it through the darkness. Yes, there are still days when I could just roll up in a ball and spend all day in bed, but I know my mom would kick my butt for doing so. Since our birthdays are just a day apart, it's always a difficult time, just as my DDs birthday is. But I just keep thinking that we have the best Guardian Angel looking over us.

You will move on, and things will get brighter. You just need to keep thinking and acting in a way that would make your mom proud. Many prayers and hugs to you.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) I lost my mom when she was 54 and I was 31. That was almost 13 years ago. I still feel like a little kid stumbling through life without guidance. I lost my dad as well just under 2 years ago. I am only 44 and have no parents. It's hard and I still cry for them, for what they're missing. for what my kids are missing

One day at a time.

 

[Laura66]

I'm so sorry.
I haven't lost a parent yet - but I lost my brother almost 2 years ago and I am sometimes still crippled by grief.
It will get easier to manage as time passes - cut yourself some slack.

 

[sksjasams]

Your post made me cry (and I'm at my desk at work -cubical thank goodness). I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you a huge hug and prayers for comfort, peace and strength.

 

[kathie859]

OP, The pain does lessen over time. I've lost both parents who were older and suffering with a disease we knew would be fatal and my older sister, who died suddenly. Each loss was devastating at the time. I think each of us recovers and reacts differently to loss and I hope you find a way to make peace with the cycle of life.

 

[sukhakuli]

I lost my dad a year ago. He was my best friend, and he lived with me during his long battle with cancer. Even though it's been a year, my grief isn't better. Actually, I think it is worse, because the longer he is gone, the more I miss talking to him. Everyone says it gets better with time, but so far I haven't noticed that.

Have you talked to Hospice? They offer grief support for up to a year for families, and they were very helpful to me and my family.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace.

 

[Diana Lyn]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

There is a private group on Facebook called "Motherless Daughters", where you can see that many other women experience the same feelings. You have to request to join and be added by an admin. Your friends cannot see anything you post there unless they are members of the group, it's set up as private. The group has been a tremendous support group for me. If you cannot find it, message me and I can add you.

 

[htmom]

Hugs. I know the feelings you are having. My mom died when I was 19. I think about her everyday.

 

[DizBelle]

It's only been a short while and the sting is still fresh. You will become less sad with time.

I would suggest, however, that if you don't think you are coming to terms with it, you seek counseling. You owe it to yourself and your family to get back to living.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh, I am so very sorry!

Don't feel like you are imposing, or whining, etc...
You loved your mother very much.
She loved you.
She seems like a very very special person.
We can all understand your pain.



PS: Would it be possible to seek others who know this kind of grief.
I can understand that you feel like you can't over-share on FB.
Perhaps you can find others who will truly understand.

I know that when my FIL passed away, not too long after their neighbors husband had also passed away, MIL's neighbor encouraged MIL to go with her to a program for grief counseling. It was good that they could go together. This was at a church. But, maybe other options are out there as well. Maybe if you look at your extended circle of friends, etc.

Once again, I am SO sorry!

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Can I offer an outside opinion? I have a friend on Facebook who lost her mom about 6 weeks ago. She posts daily on missing her, or how she wishes she could share something with her. I am not tired of seeing the posts, it doesn't bother me at all, and I try to let her know that it's OK to feel the loss. Please don't feel like you have to shut yourself away from your support group because they don't know what you've gone through. Your friends will probably surprise you, and everyone appreciates supporting comments from those they love.

 

[maslex]

I am posting here only because I need somewhere to get my feelings out. I can't post on my FB - well I could, but . . . I think my friends might think I'm a big baby for all my posts I've made recently about my mother.

My mom passed away on March 3. We buried her on March 7. Tomorrow will be two weeks since her funeral. She was absolutely my best friend. We really enjoyed each other's company. Before she was sick, we would always lunch together and go shopping, or just spend the day with each other looking through her cookbooks trying to find new recipes to try out. I talked to her on the phone at least every other day. We loved baking together.

Three years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live. I know that we got a lot more time with her than what the doctors had predicted. After her diagnosis and after she came home from the hospital, she had a Hospice nurse come to the house once a week. On Monday, February 24, she came down with pneumonia. They moved her from her house to the inpatient Hospice center on Thursday, February 27. My husband and I went to see her the next day, Friday. I was really optimistic about her chances of making it back home. We were all optimistic. She was eating okay, she had nice coloring in her face, she was talking and laughing. Saturday and Sunday, both, I got good reports that she was doing well. We got a bad snow storm Sunday and she made us all promise not to come up to Hospice to visit. She never liked any of us out and about driving in the stuff. The nurse said she was doing well Sunday. Then, Sunday night, something happened. They think she aspirated. Monday morning we got the call to come to Hospice because she wasn't doing well. She passed that night at 6:30.

I have never felt such pain in my life. There is such an emptiness inside of me. It's been two weeks since she's passed, and it already feels like she's been gone for an eternity. I miss her so much. There have been times already where I will reach for the phone to call her, and then remember that I can't. I can't stop crying. My mom was the greatest person. She was so loving and kind, and was always there for us. I am 46 and my mom was 68. I feel like a five year old child. I just want my mommy. I miss her so, so much.

Sorry for the long post and ramblings, but I just need an outlet.

Thanks for the kind words. Right now I just can't find joy in anything. I "talk" to my mom every day sitting here looking at her picture. My DH and I have a trip coming up next month to WDW and I can't even focus and concentrate on that. How can I look forward to a vacation with so much sadness in me right now? The first time I laughed after she passed, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't be laughing. But I know that she wouldn't want us sitting around crying and being sad. I really miss talking to her.

SO sorry for the loss of your mom. I know how hard it is to lose a parent. I lost my dad July of 2012 from a sudden heart attack. THE WORST PAIN TO FEEL, PERIOD. I remember for days...weeks....I would do nothing but cry and cry and cry (I was 41 when he passed) It left me with such an empty hole in the pit of my stomach. Didn't know how I was going to help my mom get through it let alone myself. It's perfectly normal.

My husband and I had our first "alone vacation" without the kids planned for 3 weeks after his death. A cruise to Bermuda. How in the hell was I supposed to go spend a glorious week out to sea knowing what was going on back home. Knowing that I couldn't commit my whole self to my husband that week of our vacation. But my mother, brother and sister all told me to go since everything was taken care of back home and that my dad would have wanted me to go. And I know he would have. So we went. Trust me, I had some break downs throughout the week but it gave me some time to be "away" from the situation for a while and it did me good. I still remember (it was a Wednesday night) that we went out to enjoy an outdoor festival...crafts, food, music....etc. Well we were outside waiting for these "goombay dancers" to arrive. Off in the distance all I could hear was a bunch of drumming, drumming, drumming....and it was getting louder and louder and louder. Here they come, but I was standing on the corner of the street SOBBING at the sounds of the drums (my dad was a drummer). All I could think of was him. Thankfully, literally seconds before I start to hear the drums it starts to POUR and I mean the skies opened up and it POURED!!!! SO the rain sort of masked my crying but believe me, it felt good to get it out.

It's been a rough year and a half now but I can tell you that the pain has lessened a bit. Believe me, I still cry. I still miss him. It sucks. But there are less of those days and more of the days that we sit and talk about him with smiles, laughter and good times. I can look at photos without breaking down. I have yet to watch a home video, can't do that right yet.

Right now, I'm dealing with my mom's illness. Found out in October she has stage 4 kidney cancer that has spread to her spine, stomach lining and her liver. She's been given 6-12 without chemo treatment. But she just started getting the chemo last week, so we'll see how things turn out.

But please know that what you are going through is normal.