Losing a parent - sadness/depression

[karenbaco]

OP.....I am so sorry for your loss

I can completely relate to your pain. Here is my story. I lost my only sibling, a sister, in 1993 to drugs. She was 25 and I was 21. It was very hard but I dealt with it and got over it pretty quick. I think knowing she was safe and not suffering helped me to feel better. In January 2010 I lost my 64 year old Dad to Dementia. His death hurt too but at the end he was not the same person I knew. He lived in a diaper, couldn't speak and had no soul left in his eyes. He no longer knew any of his close family or friends and that was very difficult. His passing was also easier because he was no longer a normal person and I knew he was at peace. My Mom was so supportive of me losing my Dad (they were divorced for 25 years). She let me grieve, offered to make me feel better and just let me talk about my feelings. On February 6th 2010 just 12 days after my Father took his last breath, my Mom suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm. I was in shock, when I got the call from her friend telling me my MOm may have just had a seizure and she was going to the hospital by ambulance. I never in a million years, expected to walk into that emergency room and see my Mom on a ventilator clinging to life. My Mom was only 64 and had just retired 3 months earlier. She laid in a bed in ICU for 1 month until she withered away and her heart stopped beating. How can this be happening? We had not even had the chance to enjoy time together now that she was retired. This poor woman busted her buns her whole life working 2 jobs to support me and now she will never be able to enjoy life, ever. It hit me so so hard. I am still looking to pick up the phone 4 years later wanting to call and talk to her. I am depressed, have become withdrawn from social activities. I am paranoid that I will lose my husband or my 2 kids. I just want you to know that your right, nobody knows until it happens to them. Our Mom's are our security blanket, our strength, our biggest fan and to lose that no matter how old you are is just devastating. It's been 4 years and I admit the crying becomes less and less but not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wish I could get her back. What helped me a lot was hearing other people's stories, because there is always someone out there who had it worse than me and that helped me feel better. It could have been worse, I could have lost her as a child and never knew her. I am thankful that she was able to see me marry and be there for the birth of my 2 boys. Yes I wish she could be here to see them growing into young men but I am thankful I had what I had. Hugs to you and thank you for starting this thread. It brought me to tears but at the same time it's nice to be able to vent and share our pain with each other.

 

[JeanetteK]

I agree - it does help hearing others' stories. It's therapeutic to share, especially in times of sorrow. I am now finding that to be true. The relief I felt yesterday (and today) after starting this thread amazed me, truly.

Some of the stories posted have moved me to tears for those who posted them. I think it helped me to cry for others, not just for myself. I have so many wonderful memories of my mom and time we shared together. Every time I do any baking in the future I will think of her. We loved baking together. We have a family tradition (my sister, my brothers, me and mom). We would bake Christmas cookies starting the weekend after Thanksgiving and go for at least another weekend. The week between those two weekends, I would spend every day with mom baking and making up cookie batters for the next day or for the weekend baking. It's going to be hard to keep that tradition this year, but maybe it's best if we do, because what better way to honor our mom than all of us being together doing what she loved best.

I'm glad that people are posting their stories and sharing on this threat. I sincerely hope it helps others as it is helping me. For those that have posted who have not lost their mother (or father or sibling), your expressions of condolence have been heard and appreciated just as much too.

I hope this thread can help others dealing with their loss as well.

 

[tvguy]

So sorry for your loss. The suffering that they endured is the worst part of it all. Although I prayed for mom's suffering and pain to end, I knew that would mean her leaving us. Being with my mom that last day, it was apparent to all of us how she was struggling and fighting for each and every breath she took. It was sad and heartbreaking. You never want anyone to struggle through pain, but especially not a loved one. I thank God that she is no longer in pain and no longer struggling, but that does not yet eliminate my sorrow. I think, well maybe if she was older (she was only 68), it would be easier to handle her death. But then again, I don't really believe that it would be. Losing your mother is hard at any age.

For those that lost their mothers when you were younger or a young adult, I feel horrible for you. The years and life events that your mothers weren't here to witness and celebrate with you breaks my heart.

I never had children, but she loved her grandchildren immensely and was here to know and love her first great-grandchild for the first 22 months of his life. She got to see me get out of a bad marriage and then meet and marry a man who loves me just as my step-dad loves my mom. Thanks to her and my step-dad, I was shown what true love is and how wonderful marriage can be with mutual respect, love and honesty. We know how blessed we were to have her these last three years. I keep thinking I wish I had just one more phone call, but that "one more" would only lead me down a vicious path of one more is never enough.

I lost my dad 47 years ago, and he is still a part of my life everyday. And so is my mom. So I know mom will be with me for the rest of my life too.

 

[loveofdisney]

I'm very close to my mother also. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[maxaroni]

My mom fell into a coma Sunday night and never opened her eyes again. The last time I talked to her was three weeks ago today. She laid with her mouth gaping open the entire time we were there. I even at one point took one of the pillows from behind her head and repositioned her so that she would be more comfortable (her head had been falling to the one side all day) and when I did that, I tried to get her mouth closed up some. It didn't work. My step-dad said that meant that her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen to control her body. It was so sad looking at her laying like that all day. I prayed at her bedside all day for her to just wake up one time, just open her eyes one time. The nurses said that she could hear us. I really hope she could and knew that she wasn't alone on her last day.

My step-dad wanted to go through her clothes already too. I went over last Friday and went through them with him to sort out what to get donated, and the few items that my sister and I wanted to keep. Everything I brought home that day is still in the trunk of my car. While I could be there and do it for him, I'm just not ready or able to handle going through them here at home. My sister is the same way. So, I've just left them in the trunk of my car. Eventually when my sister is ready, they will be brought in.

My brother said he has some voice mail messages on his answering machine that his friend said he will put on a CD. Those are the last remaining recordings of my mom's voice. He said, well they're messages to me from mom. I told him I didn't care, I would like a copy anyway. Just so I can remember her voice.

I hope you're doing okay today. I haven't cried yet today, so it's a good day. Hugs to you!

To everyone else who has commented, my heartfelt thanks to all of you. You don't know how much your words have encouraged me and soothed my aching heart - even if it's just a bit. I'm thankful for each and every message.

We did the same thing, trying to reposition her. Her head was turned to the right and she seemed to be in an uncomfortable position so we tried to straighten her shoulders. It was so very hard. We were all there....I had been there with my grandfather and both in-laws but this was the hardest. This was the first for my DS21 but he handled it well...very hard for him. I am very glad we were able to get mom home and we were all there. We were there for both my mom and my dad. Tuesday morning before the morphine and ativan, we had our last words to each other. I kept talking to her throughout the day and evening, also being told hearing is the last to go. We were all able to talk to her and hoping she heard us.

Like you, I had to step up and help my dad go through things but what I brought home is sitting in my living room. Just can't do it yet.

When you said you had the voice mail message, it reminded me that DS has a 1st Christmas ornament from Hallmark that they both recorded a message for him on it. I am almost afraid to play it as I don't know what you do if the battery dies or whatever. I have Christmas/birthday/anniversary cards that have her handwriting.

It was 4 weeks today that she fractured her ankle, 3 weeks today that we were visiting and she started talking about her mom as if she was still alive. We were going to have a girls day shopping! I thought last night that it was 4 weeks ago I called her for the last time.

Hope you continued to have a good day, or at least a better day than you have had. I am finding myself so exhausted...I can't seem to get enough sleep. It is probably from all of the stress and emotions but on top of the grief, I am just so tired.

 

[JeanetteK]

We did the same thing, trying to reposition her. Her head was turned to the right and she seemed to be in an uncomfortable position so we tried to straighten her shoulders. It was so very hard. We were all there....I had been there with my grandfather and both in-laws but this was the hardest. This was the first for my DS21 but he handled it well...very hard for him. I am very glad we were able to get mom home and we were all there. We were there for both my mom and my dad. Tuesday morning before the morphine and ativan, we had our last words to each other. I kept talking to her throughout the day and evening, also being told hearing is the last to go. We were all able to talk to her and hoping she heard us.

Like you, I had to step up and help my dad go through things but what I brought home is sitting in my living room. Just can't do it yet.

When you said you had the voice mail message, it reminded me that DS has a 1st Christmas ornament from Hallmark that they both recorded a message for him on it. I am almost afraid to play it as I don't know what you do if the battery dies or whatever. I have Christmas/birthday/anniversary cards that have her handwriting.

It was 4 weeks today that she fractured her ankle, 3 weeks today that we were visiting and she started talking about her mom as if she was still alive. We were going to have a girls day shopping! I thought last night that it was 4 weeks ago I called her for the last time.

Hope you continued to have a good day, or at least a better day than you have had. I am finding myself so exhausted...I can't seem to get enough sleep. It is probably from all of the stress and emotions but on top of the grief, I am just so tired.

Praying for you to rest easier tonight. That's taking a toll on me too. Just can't get enough sleep. I'm typically a night owl, but my nights are getting later and my mornings are getting earlier. It's a combination of all of that - stress, emotions, grief - just all of it in a tight little ball that won't allow us to relax yet. I had dinner tonight with two of my brothers and a family friend who is like another brother to me. It was nice being out of the house and not being alone. I'm thankful for my big crazy family. Mom's been on my mind all day again today, but today was better than yesterday. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but if we just take it one day, heck - on hour at a time, we're doing the best we can. Hope you get some rest.

 

[tar heel]

OP - give yourself time ... a lot of time. I'm an only child. In July 2011, my dad died. 33 days later, my mother died unexpectedly.

More than two years later, I'm doing okay. My grief was and is complicated because I had barely started grieving for my dad when my mother died -- all my energy was going toward taking care of her. I still miss them terribly, especially her. I called them on my way home from work each day -- for a long time I found myself reaching for the phone. My mother was a fanatical college basketball fan, so I think of how much she would have loved yesterday when her team won and the team she hated lost. My worst time was not Christmas but when the grandmothers came in at a friend's daughter's wedding and I suddenly realized that wouldn't be happening at my son's wedding.

A couple of suggestions from my experience:

1-I saw a counselor for six months and found that extremely helpful. I probably quit too soon, though.
2-I didn't take enough time off work. I was on vacation when my mother died and scheduled to return on Monday. Her funeral was on Sunday and I still went back to work on Wednesday. I should have taken the rest of the week at least, probably longer.
3-I wasn't prepared for the fatigue of grieving. In my case, I also had an estate to settle, suddenly owned a second house, etc., along with having a full-time job, a child who was a senior in college, etc. For a long time, I used everything I had to get through work, then came home and collapsed. I should have hired someone to clean the house at least.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Oh Dear OP I feel your pain To begin with I have not read the other responses I couldn't because I know there is much heartache being shared and I can't handle it I would be an emotional mess for the rest of the day I do send caring thoughts to all

My Daddy passed away July 9 2000 I will always refer to him as my Daddy I was 45 at the time and he was 67 My best friend in the whole world Even almost 14 years later I want to reach out and dial his number I now talk to him in other ways When he moved on from this life I felt like an orphan, doesn't matter what the age is when you lose a parent especially if you had a close bond this is a normal feeling

Don't know if anyone here or in real life mentioned the word " closure" I HATE that word, there will never be closure There is just different ...life is different

Time does NOT heal all wounds, another expression I loathe, the wound is always there BUT it will be easier to accept I still pull out the pictures I still hug his jacket I still look at his watch and crucifix but I don't do it as often

I sometimes still " hear" his voice or " smell " him ( Old Spice ) it will come out of nowhere and then be gone

Hold on to the special love you have You are a great daughter and you had a relationship with your Mom that so many never had with a parent She'll always be with you right in your heart and that will never fade

 

[JeanetteK]

OP - give yourself time ... a lot of time. I'm an only child. In July 2011, my dad died. 33 days later, my mother died unexpectedly.

More than two years later, I'm doing okay. My grief was and is complicated because I had barely started grieving for my dad when my mother died -- all my energy was going toward taking care of her. I still miss them terribly, especially her. I called them on my way home from work each day -- for a long time I found myself reaching for the phone. My mother was a fanatical college basketball fan, so I think of how much she would have loved yesterday when her team won and the team she hated lost. My worst time was not Christmas but when the grandmothers came in at a friend's daughter's wedding and I suddenly realized that wouldn't be happening at my son's wedding.

A couple of suggestions from my experience:

1-I saw a counselor for six months and found that extremely helpful. I probably quit too soon, though.
2-I didn't take enough time off work. I was on vacation when my mother died and scheduled to return on Monday. Her funeral was on Sunday and I still went back to work on Wednesday. I should have taken the rest of the week at least, probably longer.
3-I wasn't prepared for the fatigue of grieving. In my case, I also had an estate to settle, suddenly owned a second house, etc., along with having a full-time job, a child who was a senior in college, etc. For a long time, I used everything I had to get through work, then came home and collapsed. I should have hired someone to clean the house at least.

Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine losing both (or three in my case, with my step-dad) parents that close together. I've heard so many times where couples died so closely together. I believe the pain and heartache of losing your spouse is just so difficult to bear that the other spouse passes a short time later.

Thank you for sharing your story. It really touched my heart.

 

[JeanetteK]

My Daddy passed away July 9 2000 I will always refer to him as my Daddy I was 45 at the time and he was 67 My best friend in the whole world Even almost 14 years later I want to reach out and dial his number I now talk to him in other ways When he moved on from this life I felt like an orphan, doesn't matter what the age is when you lose a parent especially if you had a close bond this is a normal feeling

Don't know if anyone here or in real life mentioned the word " closure" I HATE that word, there will never be closure There is just different ...life is different

Time does NOT heal all wounds, another expression I loathe, the wound is always there BUT it will be easier to accept I still pull out the pictures I still hug his jacket I still look at his watch and crucifix but I don't do it as often

I sometimes still " hear" his voice or " smell " him ( Old Spice ) it will come out of nowhere and then be gone

Hold on to the special love you have You are a great daughter and you had a relationship with your Mom that so many never had with a parent She'll always be with you right in your heart and that will never fade

You know, I never called my mom "mommy" until about three years ago. I don't even know what made me revert back to calling her that, but whenever I would call her, when she answered the phone I always would say, hello mommy. It was just a natural full circle I think after she got sick that I wanted my mommy. I wanted to be a little girl again and my mommy was so healthy and vibrant, and she could run and play with me again.

I too believe there can never be closure and no amount of time could ever heal this hurt. How can it when such a big piece of you is gone.

Thank you so much for posting your story. The outpouring here has touched me in a way I cannot explain. All I know is that it has been good for me and that these strangers have helped me more than I could ever express. When you think about it, when we share our stories and personal experiences, we're really not strangers any longer. Just friends who have never met.

 

[Luvchefmic]

exactly friends: we're here when others don't want to or can't hear it anymore

 

[maxaroni]

Oh Dear OP I feel your pain To begin with I have not read the other responses I couldn't because I know there is much heartache being shared and I can't handle it I would be an emotional mess for the rest of the day I do send caring thoughts to all

My Daddy passed away July 9 2000 I will always refer to him as my Daddy I was 45 at the time and he was 67 My best friend in the whole world Even almost 14 years later I want to reach out and dial his number I now talk to him in other ways When he moved on from this life I felt like an orphan, doesn't matter what the age is when you lose a parent especially if you had a close bond this is a normal feeling

Don't know if anyone here or in real life mentioned the word " closure" I HATE that word, there will never be closure There is just different ...life is different

Time does NOT heal all wounds, another expression I loathe, the wound is always there BUT it will be easier to accept I still pull out the pictures I still hug his jacket I still look at his watch and crucifix but I don't do it as often

I sometimes still " hear" his voice or " smell " him ( Old Spice ) it will come out of nowhere and then be gone

Hold on to the special love you have You are a great daughter and you had a relationship with your Mom that so many never had with a parent She'll always be with you right in your heart and that will never fade

My journey is posted in this thread. My mom passed 3/5/14 so all new and fresh. I went back to work too soon as well. Mom passed through the night so took off that Wednesday and the rest of the week. However I should have taken time the following week to process things by myself. We spent all the time with dad and I had no time for myself. I also agree about closure. Life is different now but there will always be that gaping hole.

 

[JeanetteK]

I hope everyone is having a good day today. I'm in my happy place today. Having a Disney movie marathon with my DH. Trying to get excitement back in my trip planning.

Sending hugs out to all who may be having a tough day today.

 

[maxaroni]

I hope everyone is having a good day today. I'm in my happy place today. Having a Disney movie marathon with my DH. Trying to get excitement back in my trip planning.

Sending hugs out to all who may be having a tough day today.

Glad to hear the good day you are having and in your happy place. Today is a mixed bag for me. Went out for breakfast today and had one of moms favorite breakfasts. We are going to dinner tomorrow with dad and will pick him up. It is so strange to walk in and not have mom there. Didn't sleep well last night, hoping tonight is better.

 

[JeanetteK]

Have any of you had dreams of your mother since her passing? I don't know why, but tonight I am praying that she comes to me in my dreams. I just want to be with her, to see her, to hear her talk to me. I want a hug and a kiss from my mommy.

 

[mks2774]

I am so sorry for all of your losses! Praying for each one of you tonight before going to sleep! I understand how it feels to lose a loved one. My dad passed on 9/15/10 and we were actually vacationing in Florida when my dad dropped of a heart attack. (I am an only child) I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't believe I had lost my father. My poor mom was devastated as I was and being far from home we just sat in our hotel room and cried. 2 months after my dad died my mom became very sick and her cancer returned. I went on work leave to take care of my mom. I was so scared because I had just lost my dad and now was trying to help my mom. She passed away 4/4/11. That was the hardest time I have ever faced in my life to lose both parents within months of each other. They were my best friends and I miss them so much even now. I am so thankful to God for the grace he has given me to get through this. Honestly I don't know how people get through hard times without God to lean on. I just want to encourage you that every day will get better. Everyone grieves differently. But allow yourself time to grieve and to heal. If any of you are interested, I can send you a little book by mail that will help you through the grief. Just message me. Thank you! Hugs

 

[shellabell32]

I am sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a parent. My mom died in 1981 when I was 12. For a long time I felt sorry for myself because of the limited time I had with her. Now I see my friends losing their parents after long illnesses and realize it doesn't matter how long you have or don't have it is still traumatic. I have never gotten over losing her and there are still moments when I feel sorry for myself, but there are more moments when I can enjoy the memories that I do have. Take care and let yourself have however much time you need. At some point the good moments in your life will outweigh the sadness.

 

[JeanetteK]

No dreams of mom last night. I must have cried pretty much in my sleep though, my eyes were all puffy when I got up. Only slept for about 5 hours. The sadness feels like a deep black hole. I miss her so much.

 

[Luvchefmic]

No dreams of mom last night. I must have cried pretty much in my sleep though, my eyes were all puffy when I got up. Only slept for about 5 hours. The sadness feels like a deep black hole. I miss her so much.

Oh sweetheart ..she will come to you when you least expect it and not necessarily in a dream Sometimes something will happen in life and there is no rational explanation for it ..then I think wait a minute that was Daddy I will pray for you and all the dear people on this thread ..for peace...at least for today Tomorrow will take care of itself tomorrow One little step at a time

 

[amyy]

I am sorry for your loss and grief goes through stages which take time. A lot of time in my opinion. My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 20. My mother and I went to a grief support group and I found it very helpful. At some point you may want to try a group or even some individual sessions. I also think it is always good to let your family doctor know what is going on as you go thought the weeks and months ahead. ((hugs))