Losing a parent - sadness/depression

[The Mystery Machine]

So sorry for your loss. Dh lost his mom this past Sept. from liver disease.

We were just there going through her things this past weekend and it is very hard for him.

You are still in shock, it just happened. Don't expect too much from yourself.

As far as your WDW trip, you can look at it as a vacation from your sadness. As dumb as it sounds you have to allow yourself to be yourself. That can be really difficult.

I exercise and I am getting in shape. That is something that keeps me focused on myself. Not saying you should exercise however in time find something positive that you love that can give you a break and allow you to be you if that makes sense.

A good technique that my dd uses from her counselor is when she is completely overwhelmed by something and has to "carry on" she will "put the issue in a box and put it on the shelf".

This does not mean that you are not going to deal with it however you allow yourself a break.

Many hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. When I lost my mom in 2011, it felt like I lost my world. Family members thought my sister and I should go for counseling. We both found that just talking about her, thinking about her, and embracing our pain was therapy enough. I still miss her and think of her every day- and I let go and let the tears take over when I need to. I find the hardest times for me are the times when my kids have an accomplishment or a need, those are the times I would always go to her for praise or comfort, now I feel like there is no one to go to.
The undertaker gave a beautiful speech in the cemetery about losing a mother, and not ever being able to understand what it feels like until it happens to you- it was so comforting. And it's so true, those who still have their mothers cannot know the feeling of emptiness and vulnerability that comes with losing her. OP feel free to vent here, remember her here and mourn here. There are many here who can fully understand how you feel.

 

[tink20]

Thanks for the kind words. Right now I just can't find joy in anything. I "talk" to my mom every day sitting here looking at her picture. My DH and I have a trip coming up next month to WDW and I can't even focus and concentrate on that. How can I look forward to a vacation with so much sadness in me right now? The first time I laughed after she passed, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't be laughing. But I know that she wouldn't want us sitting around crying and being sad. I really miss talking to her.

^^You are right about this.^^

I have no idea how you feel, my parents are almost 70, and my mom has Parkinson's, and it terrifies me to think about losing them. I hope things get better, just take it day by day, remember all the good times, look forward to the good times with your loved ones that are still here. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[DisneyMim]

So sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel although right now no words are going to comfort you that much I know. I lost my mother 2 and half years ago and I still miss her every day. I also thought she was doing okay and then I got a call, like you, that things were not as I thought. Yes it is going to hurt. I still go to the phone every once in a while and think I will call her. We were very close. The other day I was in the grocery store and I saw a man helping his mother buy groceries and I started crying right in the middle of the store! It reminded me so much of my mother, we always shopped together. I don't mean to be long and I don't mean to make this about me, but I just want you to know that your feelings are very real and very usual. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time. I'm not going to kid you, you will always miss your mother, but in time it will get a little easier. Right now it just happened and you need time to grieve. Take care.

 

[eliza61]

I lost my pop at 85 about 5 years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. He was my rock.
Then 2 years ago, I lost my wonderful dh of 25+ years to cancer.

there are days when I literally cannot get out of bed.

I try to simply live my life in a way to make them proud.

 

[yoopermom]

This post hits really close to home for me because myself and my mother are the same ages as you and your mother. She, too, is my absolute best friend, and I can't imagine her not in my life. Please feel free to take the time to mourn and grieve in whatever way is best for you. I often think that the Victorians knew what they were doing with their elaborate mourning rituals.

My mother's mother (who I loved second best only to my mother) died just a year ago at 102, and we missed out on a last visit due to weather, so I understand your feelings about that, as well.

Lots of these for you

Terri

 

[DebbieB]

I lost my mom in 2005 and it was a similar situation, she was my best friend. We vacationed together, went out on weekends and we lived together. She had breast cancer and lived 9 1/2 years after the original diagnosis, which was much longer than expected. I just wanted to say that the time period you are in right now is the hardest. During the funeral you kind of go on automatic pilot. It's after the funeral and everyone who was around during that time goes back to "normal life" and you realize it's not the same anymore. The memories of the difficult last stage start to fade and you remember the good times. That's what you really miss. In my case I was really busy with work and was traveling alot so that helped. When I stopped traveling is when it hit me again that she wasn't there. Don't be afraid to seek counseling either informally with friends or with a professional. It does help.

I bought a townhouse in 2012 and sold the family home last year. That was difficult letting go but I think it was best for me.

 

[Tozzie]

I am posting here only because I need somewhere to get my feelings out. I can't post on my FB - well I could, but . . . I think my friends might think I'm a big baby for all my posts I've made recently about my mother.

My mom passed away on March 3. We buried her on March 7. Tomorrow will be two weeks since her funeral. She was absolutely my best friend. We really enjoyed each other's company. Before she was sick, we would always lunch together and go shopping, or just spend the day with each other looking through her cookbooks trying to find new recipes to try out. I talked to her on the phone at least every other day. We loved baking together.

Three years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live. I know that we got a lot more time with her than what the doctors had predicted. After her diagnosis and after she came home from the hospital, she had a Hospice nurse come to the house once a week. On Monday, February 24, she came down with pneumonia. They moved her from her house to the inpatient Hospice center on Thursday, February 27. My husband and I went to see her the next day, Friday. I was really optimistic about her chances of making it back home. We were all optimistic. She was eating okay, she had nice coloring in her face, she was talking and laughing. Saturday and Sunday, both, I got good reports that she was doing well. We got a bad snow storm Sunday and she made us all promise not to come up to Hospice to visit. She never liked any of us out and about driving in the stuff. The nurse said she was doing well Sunday. Then, Sunday night, something happened. They think she aspirated. Monday morning we got the call to come to Hospice because she wasn't doing well. She passed that night at 6:30.

I have never felt such pain in my life. There is such an emptiness inside of me. It's been two weeks since she's passed, and it already feels like she's been gone for an eternity. I miss her so much. There have been times already where I will reach for the phone to call her, and then remember that I can't. I can't stop crying. My mom was the greatest person. She was so loving and kind, and was always there for us. I am 46 and my mom was 68. I feel like a five year old child. I just want my mommy. I miss her so, so much.

Sorry for the long post and ramblings, but I just need an outlet.

I am so so sorry, I lost my mother when I was 22 that was almost 24 years ago, there are some days that it still feels like it happened yesterday and then there are some days where it feels like it was 100 years ago.

I do have some advice:

1-don't ever be sorry for missing your MOM you are always going to miss her.

2-Don't let other people tell you to get over it, you never get over it, you will get past it, you will be able to deal with it better but you will never get over it and 20 years from now you will still find yourself crying on certain days and you know what , that is okay if you feel like crying then cry.

There is a book, it was written by a woman who lost her Mom when she was 17, it is out of print but you can probrably find it on line. It is called Motheless daughters the legacy of loss by Hope Edelman, I still have it sitting on my coffee table and still read it.

Take your time and grieve how you want and don't let anyone put you on a timeline.

 

[JeanetteK]

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding. For those that have said that you never know this pain until you lose your mother, it's so very true. I have had friends and cousins, even, that have lost their mothers, but I never could relate to their pain and what they were going through. The emptiness that I feel right now seems like it will never go away. I know, in time, the pain and sorrow will ease. I am finding it difficult to understand when it will ease or how I can be happy. I want to honor her and I hope she knows how deeply saddened I am and how much I miss her. I don't want to feel guilty because I laugh or seem happy or get excited about a vacation. The day is just not here yet where I can do that.

I deeply appreciation you all sharing your stories with me. It does help to "talk" to others who have been through it or just hear words of encouragement. Thank you all, so very much!

 

[figment80]

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2008. With time the pain and sadness will less and you will start to feel better. The healing process needs to be at your pace, do not let anyone make you feel like you are in the wrong because you are still in the mourning phase.

 

[LynnTH]

I think I could have written your post also. Lost my mom 2-1/2 years ago. I still cry sometimes. We also did so much together and it is hard to do those things on your own or with someone else - it's just not the same...

I was 45 and Mom was 72. She had been dealing with Cancer for 15 years. Every couple of years the cancer would come back, she would have surgery and things would be great for a few years. A few months before she died she had surgery at the Mayo Clinic - they had gotten 95% of the cancer and things were looking great. Probably a month before she died she was tired all the time and could not get out of bed easily. (This had happened before many times as she was allergic to so many medicines and they always had adjust them and she had constant leg pain from the cancer). So, we brought her to the hospital thinking they would just adjust everything and she would be on her way to feeling better. That was not to happen. They told us she had about 2 weeks to live. We were not prepared for that at all. Had to put her in Hospice as she needed round the clock care. Either my Dad, myself or one of my brothers was with her the entire time. Like your Mom the 2nd day in Hospice she was doing great. Sitting up - wanting her hair washed, eating good. Thought that maybe she was making a recovery. But, then the next days she mostly slept. Didn't get to have many more moments with Mom and it was extremely hard. (Still is). She died 10 days after admitting her.

I still miss her very much. She was my shopping buddy, lunch buddy - loved to travel with me. Also miss her going to all the kids events (she loved her grandkids).

But, - it does get better. It will never go away. There are so many times I want to get her advice on things.

Now - I make more of an effort to do things with my Dad. He goes to the kids events (always did) and we go to the Casino and out to dinner or have him over more for dinner. My brothers and other relatives and friends do the same. My Dad is 76 and has always been in great health but you just never know - so making more of an effort to do things with him is important.

Sorry about rambling....but I know exactly how you feel and it will take a while to heal. The first year is especially hard but it will get better and you will be able to laugh again and not feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. Sorry you have to go through this...

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding. For those that have said that you never know this pain until you lose your mother, it's so very true. I have had friends and cousins, even, that have lost their mothers, but I never could relate to their pain and what they were going through. The emptiness that I feel right now seems like it will never go away. I know, in time, the pain and sorrow will ease. I am finding it difficult to understand when it will ease or how I can be happy. I want to honor her and I hope she knows how deeply saddened I am and how much I miss her. I don't want to feel guilty because I laugh or seem happy or get excited about a vacation. The day is just not here yet where I can do that.

I deeply appreciation you all sharing your stories with me. It does help to "talk" to others who have been through it or just hear words of encouragement. Thank you all, so very much!

You have struck a nerve on one of my biggest fears as a mom -- my DDs feeling badly when I'm gone. Many times I have almost told each of them directly that I do not want them to be torn up when I'm gone, thinking they owe me proper grieving. Generally the temptation comes when they reach a milestone or there is an event which makes me think I should say something to them -- such as a few months ago a girl from the neighborhood lost her mother very suddenly to cancer. She's a year older than my eldest, went to the same schools & now the same university. I'm sure it must be very hard. I came precariously close to having a discussion w/ my eldest, but held back as I always do, afraid that she would get it in her head I am sick & I don't want to cause needless worry.

Your comments made me determined to write my girls a letter, a letter specifically telling them I love them desperately and always will. However, I do not want them mourning me, rather living the lives I have always wished for them -- happy, fulfilled & alive.

Give life and breath to your mother's dreams of happiness for you. Be sad as you must, but let joy win eventually.

 

[JeanetteK]

Your comments made me determined to write my girls a letter, a letter specifically telling them I love them desperately and always will. However, I do not want them mourning me, rather living the lives I have always wished for them -- happy, fulfilled & alive.

Give life and breath to your mother's dreams of happiness for you. Be sad as you must, but let joy win eventually.

What a wonderful thing to do for your daughters. It would mean the world to them, as I wish I had something like that from my mom. I have her cards that she sent me where she told me how much she loved me, so I do have that to go off of.

With going through this now, can I make a recommendation to you? The thing I am missing the most is talking to and hearing my mom's voice. I wish I would have a video or something - anything - with her voice on it. I don't even have an old voice mail message from her, so I have nothing with her voice. I am so afraid that I'm going to forget what she sounded like, or the sound of her laugh. So, write that letter, but also, if you can, leave them some sort of video or just a recording of your voice. I wish I had that, just so I could hear her voice. If I could just hear her it would give me so much comfort right now.

I am feeling a bit better now - at least the tears have stopped for the time being. Going to go out for a bit and get out of the house. I can't tell you how it's helped me posting here today. What a wonderful community this is and the kindness of strangers is amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you all!

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I lost my Mom to colon cancer in May 2006. As in your case, she was my best friend. I went to every doctor's appointment with her, to every chemo treatment, every time she was in the hospital I was there every day. For the last six months of her life I was her primary caregiver.

If you want to post about your mother on Facebook, go ahead and do it and please don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. The grieving process is difficult and goes through stages, and you still have the 'year of firsts' to get through. First birthday without her, first this holiday or that holiday. It will be hard, and if writing it out here or on FB makes you feel a little better, then do it and to heck with what anyone else thinks.

I think if a person is cruel enough to call you a baby for grieving, then perhaps you don't need that sort of person in your life.

There are days when I still miss my mother so much it hurts. But those days are getting farther apart, and they will for you, too. Losing a parent, especially one you had a particular bond with, is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through. Knowing that the person who loved you the most in the entire universe is not close by anymore is devastating. But it will get better.

 

[3Gsandme]

I'm so sorry, OP. I lost my Mom seven years ago this May. She was only 49 and I miss her every single day. She missed so much of our lives; my brother and sister getting married, new babies. So much good stuff.

What I can say, is that you'll always miss her, but in a while you'll be okay again. Not as good, but still okay.

 

[Robinrs]

I'm sitting at my desk in tears... your story could be mine.

My Mom was my best friend. We spoke 5 times a day and I visited her every weekend. Loved her? I admired, adored and wanted to BE her. I felt safe and beautiful around her. She was everything to me.

She lived in Tennessee and I live in Georgia. I moved my parents there from NY when they retired next door to my oldest sister so they could be safe. We bought them their first house and they just LOVED it. I lived 2 hours away and nothing would keep me from visiting the family every single weekend. I'd always leave with lots of food, gifts and advice, my parents were the best!

In 2002 my Mom called me and told me she was constipated. I told her to drink some prune juice and relax, it's common. She wanted to go to the doctor and she never went without me. I couldn't leave work so I got my sister and her husband to take her. The doctor called me and told me they were going to operate.

For constipation??? Why? He thought he saw "something".

That something took my Mom away from me 3 weeks later.

Hurt... doesn't describe it. My Dad was 83 and lost the only woman he ever loved for 60 years. Her daughters were devastated and so were the many people whose lives she touched.

It's been 12 years. Yes, it STILL hurts. Don't let anyone tell you that it goes away, a good mother stays with you FOREVER. The tears still come but the time between them gets longer and longer. You will smile when you think of her and many many times you will speak and hear her.

She will always be a part of you. My Mom once told me she never believed any mother ever left her children. I believe her because I feel her love and wisdom every single day.

I pray you heal and find solace soon. Just know that it takes time and everyone does it their own way.

 

[ceemys]

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

 

[jackemail]

Thanks for the kind words. Right now I just can't find joy in anything. I "talk" to my mom every day sitting here looking at her picture. My DH and I have a trip coming up next month to WDW and I can't even focus and concentrate on that. How can I look forward to a vacation with so much sadness in me right now? The first time I laughed after she passed, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't be laughing. But I know that she wouldn't want us sitting around crying and being sad. I really miss talking to her.

I took my Mom along on. at least 40 WDW trips. When her Alzheimer's worsened, I spent the next 3 years taking care of her. After she died, I knew a trip back to WDW would be hard without her there. Went back last June with the Grandkids...and we had a blast, remembering all the fun we had had in the past with Mimi. Were there sad moments? Yep, and tears shed during Wishes and Illuminations.

My Mom would have been thrilled that we were having such great fun.

 

[JeanetteK]

Original poster here -- Just want to send hugs to all of you who have also lost your mother (or father). So much of what you write I know is true - it will get easier, but I absolutely need to be okay with this grieving process. It's new to me. I've never lost someone this close to me. I've lost grandparents, aunts and uncles, but I didn't have a strong bond or connection with them. This is a hurt and heartache I've never known, but thanks to the wise words here, I know that I am not alone in these feelings, time will ease the pain but never truly make it go away, and one day, maybe soon - maybe not so soon, I will be able to get through the days with more smiles than tears.

 

[E&Cmom]

I am so sorry about your loss

My Mom passed away in 1996. I was 26. I remember that after during the funeral preparation and funeral itself you are going through the motion . It was after that doing my normal routine that it really hit. It will be 18 years next month and I find even now that around this time of the year I feel out of sorts. She died 3 years before I met my husband. I still get sad that he and my children never got to know her. She was a great grandma to my niece and nephews

Defintely don't be hard on yourself. Their is no right or wrong way to grieve.