Looking for some support **Final Update**

[nunzia]

Well, just my 2 cents..for whatever reason she wants to end the marriage. Yes, you were partners for 18 years and she contributed greatly by being a good Mom and staying home. I feel whoever wants to end the marriage should be the one leaving. The kids are old enough to choose for themselves, and their wishes should certainly be taken into consideration. Lawyers need to be called and hopefully work with you both, with you both being kind and realizing you have a valuable history and kids you need to be civil for. Things should be split up fairly with responsiblility on both sides for the marriage and what was accomplished and the marriage being split up. No one leaves a happy marriage and no one is ever blameless, but peole can be civil and realize it isn't about them, it's about the kids they brought into the world and the situation they put them in.
I hope you can come to a friendly split and that the kids are kept foremost in the proceedings. Best of luck.

 

[Whistle]

I went through a similiar situation about 2 years ago. I thought my almost 18 year marriage was fine (honestly didn't have a clue that anything was "amiss"), but my husband was living a double life (including a young girlfriend)-- I was shocked (and devastated) at the time.

I wanted counseling, and we started immediately. He said he was sorry, etc. etc. etc. I honestly thought we had hit our "bottom" and would climb our way out together . . . fast forward two months, and I discover the affair had continued. He left . . .

You need to start NOW to get the ball rolling to protect yourself and the children. Get a calendar and start documenting (everything)- you going to counseling, etc. I would DEFINITELY get a P.I. NOW. Here in the state of Virginia, you do NOT have to pay spousal support (alimony) if the cause of the affair is adultery or abandonment. Keep "playing the game" while you are getting your ducks in a row. If you have money in a savings account, I would draw out half (no more than that) and put it in an account in your name ONLY so she can not have access to it. Start MOVING NOW!

Remember that anything you say out loud or put in writing (on the internet, email, text, etc.) can be admissable in a court of law so do NOT put anything out there that you would not want to have to defend in a court of law. I am not saying you are doing this, but just be careful!

I KNOW firsthand how raw and emotionally draining this is for you. I KNOW how devastating it is. It is even worse for the children. Do not do anything or say anything negative about your spouse (even if she does)-- it will not help the children. Both my (soon to be) ex and I have done very well with this. He is a good father. I would LOVE it if he would take this house (and the high mortgage payment) with 100% of the equity it will bring and get my name off it so I could just "start over". I do NOT like having to have spousal support in order to provide for my children. Of all people in the world to depend on, I do not like that it has to be him. However, he will not do this, and so I do get spousal and child support. So there it is . . .

Now my road 2 years later is vastly different . . . I am stronger than I ever thought, I am a better mom, and I know I can stand on my own two feet.

If your wife is set on leaving, hold your head high and start making a path for yourself. But, start planning NOW!!!! Do not wait for her to act (she probably already has!)

Please, really consider that P.I. I wish you the best of luck and offer my support and prayers!

 

[ceecee]

Consult an attorney. Get at least joint custody if you feel you want your kids, the courts don't always side with the mom.
Do not move out. A good friend of mine actually paid the mortgage on his ex-wife and her new boyfriend to live in their house for a year. She refused to pay the mortgage and so he did it (they owned 1/2 and the other 1/2 was a mortgage) she was supposed to buy him out but during the divorce she refused to pay anything toward the house.

 

[DawnM]

So sorry!

 

[Purseval]

Cancel any credit cards that aren't solely in your name. Same with joint checking accounts. Set up separate accounts and move money in as necessary to pay the bills. If she decides to pay for her new life with a credit card you could be stuck with the bill, don't let that happen.

Also, stand your ground. If she wants to leave, point the way to the door. Let her be the one who sleeps on the couch, it was her idea. Once minds are made up it can turn into a bloodsport REAL fast, be ready for it.

Finally keep in mind that, in spite of all the advice, we are only hearing one side of the story so you could easily be the bad guy and the 10 years she stayed with you was 9 years 364 days too long. So I'm not taking sides just giving advice to the person who asked for it.

 

[irisesareblue]

Can imagine what you are going through - have been down that road before. Here in Canada our laws are different, and I know I am going to sound harsh. No one wins in divorce court - consult a lawyer and try to be rational even though you're hurting. Common sense should rule - don't make any agreement in writing (incl. email) without first consulting a lawyer. A lawyer will have your best interests at heart and will be able to see the situation clearly. To begin with, don't avoid any legal document service - be friendly to the process server - he can make you look bad in court if you avoid him and you want to appear non-hostile to the courts.

Unless your lawyer suggests it, don't bother with a PI - it will be a waste of money if it's not going to make a difference in a decision from the courts.

Don't move out - if she asks you to move out, suggest that she move into the spare bedroom or basement. If she moves out, even temporarily, it may be considered abandonment and you stand a better chance in court.

The whole thing to do right now is just look at the whole thing logically. Don't let your emotions rule your life right now - scream into your pillow, go out for a run and beat up a punching bag, but be civil to your soon-to-be ex. The kids will appreciate it and you will feel better for it in the long run. Go to counselling to help you deal with the upcoming changes.

Money is not the be-all and end-all of life. Ten years ago, my husband and I basically started out with nothing when we met at ages 35 and 48. We had both been through bad divorces and since getting married 9 years ago, we've built a business, bought a home, have brand new vehicles sitting in the driveway and take frequent vacations - we don't have much for retirement savings but we have found ourselves incredibly happy and appreciative of our relationship and what God has done in our lives. We don't think often of what we lost the first time around but when we do, we realize that having someone to share life with who truly appreciates what they have is an incredible experience.

 

[SunnieRN]

When my friend got divorced, the husband asked for and received a judgment stating the wife was able to continue living in the house, with the children, until:

1): The children turned 18, or if they attended junior college while still living at home.

2): The wife remarried or began living with someone.

3): Both parties agreed to sell the property.

Upon the children meeting the criteria agreed upon, the house was to be sold and the equity split between the husband and wife. The husband did not pay spousal support, as the wife had the advantage of living in the house for the contracted time. He did pay child support and cover them on his medical insurance.

When I got divorced, the spousal support I was supposed to pay my ex husband, was offset by the $$ he owed me in respect to the equity in the house. We called it an even wash.

Good luck. Make sure your private assets are as safe as possible as soon as possible. My husband cleared out ALL of our accounts the day before we separated.

 

[pamjb]

My hugs to you as well. A dear friend of mine is going thru the same thing. Her husband of almost 24 years told her that he was having an affair with a friend of hers . Needless to say it has been a very interesing month since all of this happened. My friend had NO CLUE of their financial affairs. Her husband paid all of the bills and handled all the finances. She only got a credit card on her own after I begged her to a few years ago (A Disney Visa, of course). Another friend of hers took her to file for child support, she has already seen a lawyer, and gotten herself and her kids into counseling. She was blindsided by all of this (as we all were), but her kids have found out via text message from the "other woman" that their parents marriage has been a mess for a while.
As I tell my friend, while it seems to be dark right now, you will come out of this a stronger person because of it. Make sure you have someone, anyone to talk to. She does have meltdowns, but that is to be expected. She knows she can call me, or any of our other friends, at any time. You need to find the same outlet.

 

[Kika]

Sorry that you are going through this. As someone who went through a similar situation a couple of years ago, I feel I can offer some insight and support. (I was the wife, but I was also the bread winner for the duration of my 15 year marriage and didn't want to pay alimony, lose all of my retirement account, all the equity in my house, etc.) I don't think you will be up a creek financially. I didn't get to read all the replies; there is plenty I can say, but I would say the following are the most important:

1) Get one or more recommendations for a good lawyer and see one immediately.

2.) Don't move out until you determine what is going to be split and how. (If your wife is still in that "new relationship, ga-ga state" over a new guy and wants out that badly, she might want to leave to be with him.)

3.) Most importantly, try to settle things as amicably as possible for your own sanity, for your wallet, and for the sake of your daughters. My divorce was sad, but did not get ugly. It doesn't have to. I don't know much about CT, but in FL, we agreed to everything ahead of time, and my lawyer (my ex didn't even have one) drew up the agreement. It was considered a non-contested divorce, and you are right, it was much less expensive than us hiring lawyers to fight each other and drag things out. We have remained on friendly terms for the sake of our daughter.

Lastly, hang in there. I know it is not easy. You will get through it and come out on the other side. You are probably going through the worst of it right now because you have been blindsided.

 

[mt2]

My brother and his ex have joint/shared custody BUT had it written in their divorce decree that if either one moved more than one county away from the other without court approval they would lose custody. This is until the last child turns 18yo. The youngest is now 10yo. My brother did this to make sure she didn't move to Michigan where she has an aunt. She was unvery unhappy!!!


Several judges in N Texas have done this too. There was an article in the paper about mothers and fathers having to turn down promotions because the judge said "No, the other parent doesn't have a job in X city or state. You choose your kids or your job."

Something to think about.

Sorry about your situation.

 

[huskies90]

Hi Everyone!! Thanks again for all the great advice and support. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have talked to some friends, my brother who went through a similar situation and my parents all of whom have provided tremendous support. I realize now 1) how much of a role I played in my wife’s actions and 2) no matter what I do or say, things will never be the same. I need to worry about myself and what I can do differently in my life and be less concerned about what she is doing, feeling or thinking. I am on my way to counseling and hope she will do the same if not join me. As of now she is still refusing. I have decided to stay in the house for now but will do everything I can to stay away from her while at the same time being there for my kids; trying to keep it as transparent for them as possible which is the most important thing to me. In the meantime, I will do more for myself and with the kids and just let my wife be...Almost like an in-house separation. If she serves me, fine. I will be ready for it and it will put closure to it. If not, it will either get better or I will take action. It won’t go on forever. I am in a much better place today than I was over the weekend and thank everyone on this board for the help and support.

 

[r&kmommy]

I read all the posts and don't have much more to add, other than to tell you good luck, don't leave the house and be there for your kids. They're what's important now. (not that you don't know that already)

Document, document, document. Where she is (or where she tells you she is), if she skips out on a kid's baseball game or misses a school meeting or something, document it.

Please visit www.survivinginfidelity.com and poke around. They are a great community with lots of resources and awesome people (like the Dis!!) who ALL (unfortunately) been in your shoes.

Good luck

 

[sk!mom]

…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

First of all, I am so sorry! Will she agree to counseling- at least for the sake of your children?

If not then get a lawyer (a really good one) and start making your plans.

Do not move out of the house! If she wants out, do not make it easy for her. Yes, there will be some sort of financial settlement and you may eventually have to sell the house but don"t move out until you have agreed, with legal advice, on the financial terms of a divorce.

As far as the children, every divorce I'm familiar with in the past 10 years or so involves shared custody. In the four cases that I know best, two families divide it with the children with one parent one week and the other the next. The other two split the week. In all four cases the children have rooms and clothes at both homes and do not pack bags to go back and forth. So hold your ground there as well. Another reason to refuse to move out.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

I didn't see the thread sooner but I am very glad to see you're doing better. Good idea on the counseling for yourself. She won't go no matter how much you ask. She doesn't want anyone analyzing the fact she's interested in someone else and she wants out. All marriages have lulls. It's not an excuse to seek greener pastures.

Do stay in your home. Don't be sucked into arguments. Do find a reasonable and experienced attorney. Don't worry about her behavior. Do document dates where she informed you of her desire to separate and/or divorce. Don't mention your consultations with others. Do be discreet about discussing your situation with people (only your most trusted friend or two and family). Don't let another week go by without finding some sort of class to take: sailing, Excel, tae kwon do, whatever. You get the idea.

Deep breaths. You'll be fine.

Hi Everyone!! Thanks again for all the great advice and support. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have talked to some friends, my brother who went through a similar situation and my parents all of whom have provided tremendous support. I realize now 1) how much of a role I played in my wife’s actions and 2) no matter what I do or say, things will never be the same. I need to worry about myself and what I can do differently in my life and be less concerned about what she is doing, feeling or thinking. I am on my way to counseling and hope she will do the same if not join me. As of now she is still refusing. I have decided to stay in the house for now but will do everything I can to stay away from her while at the same time being there for my kids; trying to keep it as transparent for them as possible which is the most important thing to me. In the meantime, I will do more for myself and with the kids and just let my wife be...Almost like an in-house separation. If she serves me, fine. I will be ready for it and it will put closure to it. If not, it will either get better or I will take action. It won’t go on forever. I am in a much better place today than I was over the weekend and thank everyone on this board for the help and support.

 

[Taja]

So sorry you are going through this.

You have received a lot of good advice. Get in touch with one of those attorneys and file for divorce as quickly as possible, requesting full custody of the children. Whether that happens or not can be resolved down the road--right now you just want the court to know you want your children!

In addition to not moving out of the house, taking necessary steps to freeze joint assets (be sure to open a separate account for you now--redirect any "direct deposits"), and getting counseling for you and your children (best guess is court will order it for everyone), keep your children first in everything you do. That doesn't mean to allow your wife to walk all over you financially or emotionally (that's why you need a good divorce attorney), but to at least keep the situation between you and your wife as neutral as possible and not involve the children in disputes between the two of you. That can be really hard to do, so I sincerely hope you're able to work things out the best for you and your family.

 

[Need An E Ticket]

Sending some late support and hoping things may have improved.
We haven't heard from you in a little while. Stop in if you get a chance and let us now how you are doing.

 

[Melissa]

I don't have a lot of financial advice but can say been there done that, it is just a year from when my husband of 15 years decided he hadn't had enough fun in his life and he "loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore" Yeah there was a co worker involved they had been having an emotional affair for a couple months. Now a year later we are divorced ( my doing). I did everything I could to try to fix what I had no clue was broken and when it was obvious I couldn't, I moved fast.
Just wanted to say if can look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you could to save your marriage, get a lawyer and don't delay. People get less sorry fast and you may do better financially the quicker you do it. It does get better, you deserve someone who respects you, loves you and wouldn't cheat on you ( if that is the case.) Marriage is hard and it takes work and if she isn't willing to do that, what have you lost really? So no really good advice just been there done that and it sucks! But it does get better. Hugs!

Oh and for an example of how things often work for cheaters, ExH has gained 50 lbs, works MORE than ever and still mows my lawn, he got all the debt and I got the house. I don't think he is having any more fun.

 

[bettymae1121]

Do yourself a HUGE favor and pull your credit reports from all three credit reporting agencies, plus pull the reports for your kids too. Make sure she isn't opening up any new accounts or running up the tab on existing accounts. I've heard of horror stories of spouses running up CC debt in their soon-to-be-ex's name or even worse, stealing their own childrens identity (the kids don't find out about it until they apply for college loans years later). Then once you pull the reports, put fraud alerts on all of you so no new accounts can be opened without your knowledge. Even if you think she's not the type to do things like that, remember you once thought she wasn't the type to cheat on you, either. She is acting totally insane right now, there is no telling what new low she's willing to sink to.

Also get bank statements, 401k statements, home equity lines, and any other financial documents together. Keep these reports in a safe place and update them frequently, this is a snap shot of your financial situation as it is today. It could make things a lot easier down the road when it comes time to start spliting things up. You don't want to find out a year from now she racked up $50k worth of debt having fun with her loser boyfriend and that your stuck with the bill.

 

[huskies90]

Sending some late support and hoping things may have improved.
We haven't heard from you in a little while. Stop in if you get a chance and let us now how you are doing.

Thanks for the support. Yes, I am still here. Not much has changed since my last post but I am doing better with my situation. I have started counseling by myself and I’ve gotten my finances in place. As much as I want closure to this, I need to give it some more time. In the meantime, I am getting myself in shape physically (I was already in shape but by the end of the summer, I will be back to how I was in my early thirties) and mentally with the counselor.

I don't have a lot of financial advice but can say been there done that, it is just a year from when my husband of 15 years decided he hadn't had enough fun in his life and he "loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore" Yeah there was a co worker involved they had been having an emotional affair for a couple months. Now a year later we are divorced ( my doing). I did everything I could to try to fix what I had no clue was broken and when it was obvious I couldn't, I moved fast.
Just wanted to say if can look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you could to save your marriage, get a lawyer and don't delay. People get less sorry fast and you may do better financially the quicker you do it. It does get better, you deserve someone who respects you, loves you and wouldn't cheat on you ( if that is the case.) Marriage is hard and it takes work and if she isn't willing to do that, what have you lost really? So no really good advice just been there done that and it sucks! But it does get better. Hugs!

OMG, so similar to my situation!! And so true what you said. I feel the same way. I still can’t believe this happening and I feel like I am trying to fix something that I don’t even know how it is broken.

Oh and for an example of how things often work for cheaters, ExH has gained 50 lbs, works MORE than ever and still mows my lawn, he got all the debt and I got the house. I don't think he is having any more fun.

I am not sure it will end this way, but I am sure her life won’t be as good without me as it was with me and that may be why she is so reluctant to leave.

 

[DisneyNutMic]

My husband walked in the door and said "I don't love you. I never have. And I want a divorce." This was Nov 18th, 2006. He "offered" to stay through the first of the year but I said "No. If you want out, get out RIGHT NOW." He moved in with his parents that night. He had been fired from a job making $18 an hour in Aug and got another job making $10 an hour. He said he might not be the marrying type and would probably never marry again. I was blindsided by the whole thing but there was this "friend" that had been getting closer but I trusted my husband. He was in fact cheating with her. They got caught out on a date less than a week later (oh yeah she was married too). He left and I got the house. He married that "friend" 17 days after their divorces were final. My point here is he PLANNED this. Losing the high paying job screwed up the state's figures for child support like crazy. And 2 months after he walked out, and just after the state figured child support, he found another job making $20 an hour. I couldn't fight it for 3 years.

I will say that this ended up being the best thing in the world for me though. 3 1/2 years later, I'm happier than I have EVER been. I am newly engaged and loving every second of my life now. He was living a lie and making me live it too.

Hang in there. I promise it gets better.