Looking for some support **Final Update**

[a1tinkfans]

Just offering some "late" support.
Sorry you're going thru this. Stay strong for the children! Focus ahead, stay in counseling and stay true to what you know in your heart is right for you and your children. Best of Luck to you!!

 

[RyJMom]

So sorry you are going through this. I did not take your posts to say you didn't want to give her her share you just don't want to get the short end of the stick. Why the heck should you have to leave the home when she is the one that wants out. Tell her to get an apartment. There is a really great website called surviving infidelity that may be a help to you. Best of luck to you.

 

[cheshireqt]

Arriving late to the thread but have read the responses and am caught up. Great advice already given, such as do not leave the house, get a lawyer ASAP, gather financial documents and check status of credit with fraud alert. I have heard and witnessed real horror stories from friends and even family members where you just can't believe that a person you know could do something like empty the account etc. Almost always the one who planned it gets away with everything at first, while the victim is victimized twice. ALTHOUGH years later, the honest party is ALWAYS faring better!!!! Keep that in mind when things get ugly and you feel depressed about the situation.
The only new thing I can bring up is that in the state of Virginia you can add a Morality clause to your divorce decree. It states that no unmarried partners of the opposite sex may sleep over when the children are in residence. In other words no "paramours" on your night(s) to have the kids and no "paramours" on hers. One of my friends who has a very similar story to yours takes fiendish delight that though her ex promptly moved in with the woman he was having an affair with (before he and she were even legally seperated -in fact the jerk made his announcement and packed a bag to move in with the thing) once the divorce decree was final her ex's g-friend (now fiancee) has to find somewhere else to stay when he has the kids overnight. If it is possible to get in your state then it might preserve your sanity down the road if your wife has the guy sleeping over with your kids in the house.
Oh and HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!

 

[huskies90]

Thought I’d post a follow up for everyone since it has been a few months.

Sometime in July I sat down with my wife and we talked for the first time in several months. I told her this is ridiculous, we either need to file for divorce or start working on making things better. Her reply was, fine I want a divorce. We really had a good talk and it was the first time in I don’t know how long, probably ever, that she was honest with her feelings toward me. I don’t think she doesn’t love me anymore but instead feels that she was “trapped” in our marriage and did not feel she could make any decisions for her own, be with people she wanted to be with and have her own life.

We decided that we would not fight each other and instead we hired a mediator to work through the details. I have heard too many horror stories about couples fighting and racking up huge attorney fees just to end up in the same place if they sat down at the kitchen table and worked it.

So, that is what we did. I talked to an attorney on my own just in case things go bad but so far it has gone really well. When I talked to my attorney, I wanted to get level set on what I was looking at and he gave me the best and worst case scenarios which I used as a guideline. Hopefully, I won’t ever have to talk to him again.

My soon to be ex has been very reasonable with what she has asked for and I have been willing to give her alimony and child support as well has half the assets so she can start over at the same time she is leaving me in good shape and not “taking me to the cleaners”.

Believe it or not, it almost feels like our friendship is getting stronger through the process and really all ever wanted for her was to be happy. You can tell how much happier she is and excited about her impending freedom. While I still love her and still do not want to be divorced, I too, am looking forward to being single again after 18 years of being married.

She is in the process of buying a house in the same town and I will stay in our HUGE house for a while until she gets settled and the kids get used to the divorce and splitting time then I will sell it and buy something myself that is smaller. We have agreed to joint shared physical custody which basically means the kids are exactly split 50/50 in both time and responsibility. We have told the kids and so far they seem OK with it but I am sure it will be hard once she moves out.

So the paperwork has been filed with the state of CT and we have had two meetings with the mediator where we shared everything we agreed to. The mediator’s job is to prepare the contract and ensure it will be accepted by a judge making sure we do not miss anything. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to go smoothly and we stay friends after this is over.

 

[Taja]

Thanks so much for the update! I'm not on the boards all the time and was afraid I might have missed it.

I'm glad you and your wife were able to discuss things and mostly work out the details yourselves. It's very difficult, in any case, but at least understanding one another's viewpoint provides common ground so you can begin to rebuild your lives--and continue to nurture your children.

Hope things continue to go well for you and your children adapt to the changes in their lives.

 

[bettymae1121]

While it's sad it has to end, at least you're staying on friendly terms and aren't trying to destroy each other.

If you don't mind some unsolicted advice...don't jump into another relationship right away. Take some time to be by yourself for a little while, get on an even keel again. Then, once you've established a new "normal" for a little while, if you're interested in a relationship, then start dating.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Huskies... thanks for the update. Glad things are working out as well as they can be expected to. I admire your maturity in dealing with such a curve ball. Very best of luck to you. Truly.

 

[wdwfan16]

I am glad you are being cordial in this. It is best for the children.

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't know anything about the financial side of it, but is there any way you could try and get her to stay a little longer for the sake of the kids? Conventional wisdom used to be that it was better for couples in an unhappy marriage to get divorced and staying together for the kids' sake was bad for them, but there's research now that says it's actually better to try to stay for the kids:
http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htm
and more info on that as a divorce myth here:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

And an interesting study that says that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

Sending good thoughts for things to work out for you and your kids.

Op, speaking as a child who's parents stayed together for the kids, I can tell you it did not help us, make us happier, or do us any good whatsoever. It was pure hell living with two people who didn't get along.

Just read your update; glad you two are able to work it out amicably.

 

[Girlie1]

How did you find a good mediator? Any suggestions?

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Wow, it is great seeing parents doing what is best for their kids in a crappy situation. That will make all the difference in the world to their lives!

 

[huskies90]

How did you find a good mediator? Any suggestions?

Where are you in CT? PM if you feel more comfortable and I can give you some information.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Just know there are a lot of people that care. My first husband & I kept it very amicable and the kids turned out wonderfully. Believe it or not this can work without bitterness or ill feelings. Both of us wanted what was best for them and it did work, no bad mouthing each other over the years. My DDs are now in their 30's and readily say they had a happy childhood

 

[sunshineNJ]

So very sorry for what you are going through. Do not move out!!!! Go to a lawyer and find out your rights. Focus on the kids and spending time with them. Good luck!

 

[disneymarie]

…

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

Sounds like another man, and believe me one day they wake up and the passion is gone and they are up the creek.
I had one friend had this happen. In that case as the woman had a home and was provided for, it was her choice to leave, she was not entitled to alimony pendente, or other support...in fact as she was working full time she had to pay a sizable childsupport, and half the medical bills. Any money put away for college could not be touched.

I think your most emotional battle is the girls trying to understand and accepting the two households, parents battleing for visitation time, vacations without mom and dad together.....

After being married so many years the early days passion gets lost in daily life. Before you know it, a women that is is premenapause hormones can get caught up in a flirtatous relationship.

Come out straight and say would she like to be reromanced in your marriage or is it final. That you never thought of spending intimate times and life with another woman, and is there any chance. COMMUNICATE>
If she won't,. Make the best transition for your girls, they are at the age of being devestated. Keep their home life as normal as possible.

 

[luvmythree]

Sadly I know how you feel. My now ex husband walked in one day, told me he didn't love me, had cheated on me and left about 20 min later. That was almost 4 years ago and I am finally feeling like myself again.

We too are friendly enough and worked with a mediator instead of going to court to fight it out. My attorney *and maybe his* both suggested the mediator instead of court if we could work it out. Of course it was easy because my ex gave me full custody of the kids and he just has visitation...mostly because he wants to be a very part time parent and a full time party boy.

I still live in the house with our kids, just got 1/2 of his 401K but we structured alimony to end a lot faster than I was entitled to and because of that it buys out his interest in the house that I only have 7 more years to pay and then it's mine free and clear. We were married almost 22 years.

Hugs to you for going through this. It truly is a nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone and I feel *we* did it as friendly as possible.

Hang in there OP! It does get "better" and eventually the pain subsides!

Kelly

 

[huskies90]

Just wanted to give everyone a final update as I know several people posted on this thread and there may be others who have gone through or are going the same thing and may be interested in how it turned out.

The divorce is final as of December 1. I will say that the process for the most part went pretty smoothly thanks in the most part to my now ex-wife who was very agreeable to just about everything. We had a good amount of money that we split and I gave her a lump sum on top of it lieu of alimony so she has enough to really start over. She bought a house in the same town so that we can easily share custody. As of now, the kids are much more comfortable in their old house and have been living with me full time. For now, we are going to just start by alternating weekends. While I am sure she misses not having them around, she has not argued or fought over the custody. Our kids are a bit older at 11 and 14 and it is hard to “force” them to live one place over another. So, since they are with me almost full time, I am holding back paying child support to her, in fact, she would actually owe me based on our agreement but I am not even going to ask. Our goal right now is to keep things as easy on the kids as possible. I think they are still trying to adjust but for the most part are doing very well.

She did tell my daughter that she has in fact been seeing someone else and while I take 99% of the blame for the divorce, I know that the 1% of his presence is what set this whole process in motion. And actually, that is a good thing because I would rather know now how she really felt and not 8 years from now when the kids left the house.

And speaking of the house, keeping it certainly has its price as now I am paying the mortgage on my own and I still owe her $125K in equity (yes, even in this market) which means I am re-financing to increase my loan amount, and of course also increasing my monthly payment, to pay her off. While the house has provided much needed stability for the kids, I can’t see holding it much longer. I am hoping to sell it this Spring or by Spring 2012 at the latest.

Personally, I am doing great. While I missed her at first, I have since really enjoyed my new life and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and have some fun. I consider myself lucky that I have had the chance to be married for such a long time and do all the stuff married couples do and of course have two great kids and now I get the opportunity to have a fun single life. Of course as I get older, I may retract the last part of that statement. We’ll see.

Thanks again for the support from everyone especially those of you who pm’d me directly. I got our DVC in the divorce settlement and currently own annual passes for me and the kids so Disney is a big part of our lives right now. There is nothing like Disney or the Disney community to put a smile on your face when things are tough. And for any of you who are single and interested in meeting other single Disney folks, check out this thread on the solo travelers board:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2411855

I have met/chatted with several people through it and it has been a great way to meet other Disney fans. My profile is on page 27, by the way, in case you are wondering…

 

[acomasdiaz]

Just wanted to give everyone a final update as I know several people posted on this thread and there may be others who have gone through or are going the same thing and may be interested in how it turned out.

The divorce is final as of December 1. I will say that the process for the most part went pretty smoothly thanks in the most part to my now ex-wife who was very agreeable to just about everything. We had a good amount of money that we split and I gave her a lump sum on top of it lieu of alimony so she has enough to really start over. She bought a house in the same town so that we can easily share custody. As of now, the kids are much more comfortable in their old house and have been living with me full time. For now, we are going to just start by alternating weekends. While I am sure she misses not having them around, she has not argued or fought over the custody. Our kids are a bit older at 11 and 14 and it is hard to “force” them to live one place over another. So, since they are with me almost full time, I am holding back paying child support to her, in fact, she would actually owe me based on our agreement but I am not even going to ask. Our goal right now is to keep things as easy on the kids as possible. I think they are still trying to adjust but for the most part are doing very well.

She did tell my daughter that she has in fact been seeing someone else and while I take 99% of the blame for the divorce, I know that the 1% of his presence is what set this whole process in motion. And actually, that is a good thing because I would rather know now how she really felt and not 8 years from now when the kids left the house.

And speaking of the house, keeping it certainly has its price as now I am paying the mortgage on my own and I still owe her $125K in equity (yes, even in this market) which means I am re-financing to increase my loan amount, and of course also increasing my monthly payment, to pay her off. While the house has provided much needed stability for the kids, I can’t see holding it much longer. I am hoping to sell it this Spring or by Spring 2012 at the latest.

Personally, I am doing great. While I missed her at first, I have since really enjoyed my new life and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and have some fun. I consider myself lucky that I have had the chance to be married for such a long time and do all the stuff married couples do and of course have two great kids and now I get the opportunity to have a fun single life. Of course as I get older, I may retract the last part of that statement. We’ll see.

Thanks again for the support from everyone especially those of you who pm’d me directly. I got our DVC in the divorce settlement and currently own annual passes for me and the kids so Disney is a big part of our lives right now. There is nothing like Disney or the Disney community to put a smile on your face when things are tough. And for any of you who are single and interested in meeting other single Disney folks, check out this thread on the solo travelers board:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2411855

I have met/chatted with several people through it and it has been a great way to meet other Disney fans. My profile is on page 27, by the way, in case you are wondering…

I hope you continue to look for the best in this situation. Your DIS friends are here to always lend an ear...shoulder...etc.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP, I just found your thread and read through it. You sound like a kind and generous person who any woman would want to be with. You know the saying we never know what we have until we lose it. I have a feeling your ex will realize that when the "passion" of her new relationship fades, as it eventually always does and she realizes that she threw her family away. How sad for her. In the meantime what a fantastic gift you are giving your dd's by being cordial to their mother and not having them live in the midst of fighting and name calling. They are old enough to see right and wrong and one day they will thank you for putting them first in your life. Sometimes in life we have to put a period and start over. Move on, sell your house to start fresh, enjoy your Disney vacations with your kids, go out and meet new people( I saw your profile and it shouldn't be too hard for you to meet someone new and enjoy life. God knows you more than deserve it.
I and my dh are married for almost 15 years with 2 kids around the same age.
Although we have our ups and downs, he-- would have to freeze over before I would ever even think of leaving them.

P.S. There is a song by the band Chicago that says "At the time you couldn't tell me that one day I'd be glad" I hope that day comes for you ASAP if it has not already. Good Luck

 

[cbg1027]

Divorce sucks all the way around, no doubt.

Glad to see things are (mostly) working out for you though. Hey, you got the important stuff - the kids, of course, and the DVC!

The fact that you've taken a step towards moving on by posting on the singles thread is a great move.

Hope things continue to get better each day for you. The DIS community will always be here to support you!

PS - The shirt your younger daughter is wearing in the photo cracked me up!