Looking for some support **Final Update**

[huskies90]

CT is a real tough state for men. I will tell you my stories:
My ex left me when my boys were 2,6 and 8 and I fought tooth and nail to get the house. He didn't want custody. just wanted me out of the house. All he asked for was that the house be sold and money split, he didn't care where we went after that. I didn't ask for alimony, just money to support the boys until I finished school. I had quit college to be a housewife for almost 13 years and had to go back to finish. He wasn't happy but the judge did give me the kids and child support ($200 a month so I wasn't living high on the hog)
My now 33 year old is fighting daily for his son's custody. he has it now but she is bipolar and refuses meds. She gets released from the hospital goes to court and gets custody back then goes bipolar again and he has to do it all over again. They said they will never take custody away from her permanently, in the state of CT they feel the mother should be allowed to raise their children as long as they show desire. So he pays his lawyer $2,000 every 3rd month to get custody and has been doing this for the past 3 years.
Now for you: don't leave the house, file for divorce and ask for full custody. She might ask too but if you show that you want it it will give you leverage, my ex didn't even ask and it made him look bad.
File before she does, don't wait to get served. She doesn't sound like she is going to back down, so let her know that you accept it and will fight for what is yours. CT is a no fault state, so you don't have to show reason or fault, just that you want the marriage dissolved.
In CT all involved have to go to councelling before they are granted a divorce. Your lawyer will tell you how to schedule this when you file.
they will also set up something for your children if they are over 12. They do take into account what the children want, if it is living with you or her. Don't bring it up with them, and hopefully your wife won't because that can't be good for the kids, but let them know you will be there for them for anything they need and whatever they decide. And believe me, they will say some bad things about both of you before this is all done, don't take it to heart, they are going to be hurting too.
Your lawyer will tell you what you have to do with your savings etc... Don't take it out, but talk to the bank and see if you can put a freeze on it so she can't either. My ex SIL cleared out my brother and her savings 2 months before she filed. He never looked at the accounts so he didn't notice till it was all gone. She did it before she filed so the court couldn't make her give it back.
Hope this helps. There is a father's group that will give you names of lawyers in your area that will help you fight. I am a female but I see what it has done to my son both financially and mentally, so I hate to see a man get burned too

Awesome post. Thank you very much.

 

[cm8]

op, , I hope that you will get some peace in your heart and your mind. Will be thinking of you and praying for your strength!

 

[leebee]

I don't have a lot to offer other than . You sound like a guy who woke up one morning and the rules for the game had changed without your input. To me, it sounds like you had your normal, everyday marriage, the kind I think the majority of the world has: The "thrill" might be diminished, but was replaced by a steady, long-term security that is, to me, better than fireworks every day. DH and I have struggled sometimes, as work or home life has gone in a different direction for one or the other, but fortunately out paths have always rejoined and we've moved forward together (mostly... he still doesn't get my WDW addiction )

My brother went through a messy divorce in Maine and ended up on the VERY short end of the stick. Here are some suggestions, learned the hard way, from his point of view:

DON'T LEAVE, don't move out. Many courts see that as abandonment. Stay in the house, keep raising your kids. Chances are good that she will get custody, being the mother (courts are VERY short-sighted here), but a good lawyer should be able to get you joint custody or might get the judge to let the kids chime in on where/with whom they want to live.

My brother gave up his house, in exchange for not making the mortgage payments on it any longer. Yup, he lost his equity, but he also didn't have to pay for others to live in a house that he owns but cannot live in.

He also offered child support but said no to alimony, as the ex-SIL is the one who started the divorce proceedings. He still pays for the kids' medical/dental insurance premiums, but they split the costs not covered by the insurance (this is new- he was covering all medical and dental until she took all 4 kids for braces without consulting him...).

SIL ended up with the kids, and it was messy. She accused him of abuse and he had to fight long and hard to get visitation. The court decided the 2 oldest kids could choose to see him (and they won't... psychologist was concerned that the kids talked about themselves as "we", but the court didn't listen...) but they have shared custody of the 2 youngest. He sees them every other weekend and they apportion vacation time; he gets them during school vacation (he teaches, they homeschool so it works), shared time at holidays and summer. Not perfect but as they live in the same town, it works.

Brother offered half of the bank accounts and existing retirement accounts (petty amount, actually) but protected his future retirement savings and his social security. Why should he be required in the future to support someone he's not related to?

GO TO COUNSELING. It worked in my brother's favor; he wanted to stay married and try, but she refused and it didn't look good in court. I think this helped him with settlement on alimony, house, etc.

You sound like a reasonable kind of guy... so try to keep it reasonable, but do not let yourself be (small, rotational connecting device) and don't feel guilty and let yourself be walked on for the sake of peace. This is a terrible time for you, and you need a lawyer to represent you. The courts don't always view things the way regular people do. Don't view it as money down a hole (and don't get stuck with her lawyer fees... be clear about that right up front). Best of luck- it's gonna be painful, regardless of how smoothly things could go. Here's some more .

 

[Joyful3Heart]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you're beginning to realize what part you played in the demise of your marriage, AND it sounds like you're willing to fight for it. I believe that infidelity is rarely the main problem, it is just a symptom of a marriage in trouble. Here are my suggestions:

1. If she won't see a counselor, go yourself. You will need to be the best YOU that you can be in the coming months.
2. Get an attorney. You don't necessarily need to file for divorce, but this way you find out all of your rights and have the ability to respond quickly to any move she makes.
3. Lay everything on the table. Admit your failings to her and tell her you would like her forgiveness and then make every action you take reflect the man you want to be. Ask her to stop seeing the other guy and to give you time to prove you mean business.
4. Do NOT sit back and allow this to linger on. An "open" marriage is not a marriage.

If she refuses to quit seeing the guy, file for legal separation and see if she will enter divorce counseling. She may be more willing to enter counseling if she sees it as a way to end the marriage rather than preserve it. Keep seeing your own counselor throught this time. Yes, you will probably have to pay spousal support. But this will give you time to sort things out before an actual divorce, and will stop letting her think that the status quo is okay with you.

My heart goes out to you and your children and I pray that no matter the outcome, that you come through stronger and more self aware, and ready for the next chapter of your life!

 

[JesB]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce is hard on everybody. When I decided to divorce my husband it was worlds different from your situation. He was abusive and my DS and I packed what we could and ran. I gave up everything in the divorce in order to have DS with visitation only for my husband. Because of this I rarely recieve child support and he never sees or calls DS (by his choice, I even got DS his own phone early on so that they could talk). Having said all that I don't belive in alimony if she's working than she can support herself. I work a full time job, a part-time job, go to school, and home school my son it can be done. Child support is different each parent should contribute to the child emotionally and financially. The kids should be the main focus in a divorce, how they're handling the change, and their views on it.

In my opinion I would contact a lawyer as soon as possible and attend consuling sessions for yourself and your children wither or not she wants to or not. I would also not move out of the house, the person requesting the divorce should be the one to move out. You will probably have to give up half your assests, a good lawyer will help sort all that out and save alot of fighting in the end. Good luck to you I'm praying for the best for you and your children.

 

[dfchelbay]

Why do you have to support her for the next ten years? She has a full time job doesn't she? All you should really have to pay is child support pursuant to both your wages, and an equitable distribution of marital property. If I were you, I would accept nothing less than joint legal and joint physical custody of your children. I would also petition for joint economic too. If you have your children 50% of the time, that is what is fair as far as child support goes. Also, don't move out of the house. Neither of you should take on this expense until you HAVE TO. If you're getting along, than this should not be an issue at this time, and not something the two of you should be doing...for economics sake.

I wish you all the best. I know this is a difficult time.

 

[badblackpug]

As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! Things aren't so cut and dried in divorce and custody hearings any more. Courts are are more inclined to try to keep relationships with fathers together, that may mean that you get custody or at least joint custody. If you leave the house she will get it. Tell her if she is unhappy, she is more than welcome to leave, but she cannot take the children.

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.

Get yourself and your kids into counseling. Invite your wife to attend, but again, you can lead a horse to water.....

I think some folks are being a little rough on the OP. While I know that many of us are coming from a position of bad divorces, please try to understand his point of view. I don't think the OP ever negated his wife's role in their marriage, but after having been blindsided with "I don't love you, I have a boyfriend, I want a divorce," the OP is entitled to a little anger, hurt, and resentment. It's only natural.

 

[ThanksForNoticingMe]

As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! Things aren't so cut and dried in divorce and custody hearings any more. Courts are are more inclined to try to keep relationships with fathers together, that may mean that you get custody or at least joint custody. If you leave the house she will get it. Tell her if she is unhappy, she is more than welcome to leave, but she cannot take the children.

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.

Get yourself and your kids into counseling. Invite your wife to attend, but again, you can lead a horse to water.....

I think some folks are being a little rough on the OP. While I know that many of us are coming from a position of bad divorces, please try to understand his point of view. I don't think the OP ever negated his wife's role in their marriage, but after having been blindsided with "I don't love you, I have a boyfriend, I want a divorce," the OP is entitled to a little anger, hurt, and resentment. It's only natural.

 

[sydneysmom]

I am SO very sorry for what you are going through. Five years ago my now ex DH called me on my way home from work and said "it's just not working out, I really think I just never loved you". Yes, I was IN THE CAR driving home. I thought that someone had kicked me in the chest. Now, everyone says "well, you probably saw signs that it was coming". Nope. Two weeks before we were in Disney world actually. We didn't have the best time and he seemed preoccupied, but I really didn't think he didn't love me!

So I can truly imagine the pain and confusion you're dealing with. In my case, my father in law called me and told me to change the locks on the house and make sure that the savings was in my name only until everything was worked out. ( because I was the bill payer). His theory ( and this was HIS father mind you) was that since I had to make sure the bills were paid, don't let him empty the account.

In my case it turned out that he found people on these online dating websites. He's got bigger issues, but I won't go into that here. But I was not going to let his crap ruin me. I got an excellent lawer. One thing you MUST do is never tip your hand. And I say that from experience. If you suspect she's having an affair, hire a PI. They are not that expensive and any good lawyer can put you in contact w/ one. But the information they gather can help you later on. YOU are the victim here. So don't let her be in the drivers seat. Maintain your composure and at all times act with class and dignity. Let your lawyer handle the nasty stuff.

I agree with PP's though...don't leave your house. even if you have to sleep on the couch. As hard as it is, it IS your home too. I wish you all the luck in world. Please know this. As extremely painful as this is, a wonderful new world is going to open up to you. If this never had happened to me, I'd have never met my DH and get a beautiful wonderful step daughter. in the end, the pain turned to a blessing. I wish the same for you.

 

[bunny]

Financially you will be screwed. She will get 1/2 of everything, probably get to keep the house, and you will pay her 30% or more of your income in child support and possibly even more in alimony. On top of that, you will probably only get to see your kids a few times a month unless she agrees to joint custody. I am not trying to be negative- just realistic. Your best bet is to do everything you can to hold your marriage together. You also may want to find a discussion board on the internet devoted to men going through divorces. Lastly don't give in on anything. Fight her if you need to. I see too many men walk away from their homes thinking that is best for the kids and start over themselves in two bedroom apartments. I don't think the courts will care if she is having an affair. As one of the previous posters wrote, the courts like to give custody to the mom if she is at all able to handle it.

BTW, hugs!!! My husband went through this same thing 16 years ago. His wife left him for her high school boyfriend who was in the Air Force. Shortly after the divorce, her boyfriend (new husband) got transferred to Korea. We spent thousands of dollars fighting her and lost every single time. We barely ever saw or talked to the kids, but in 13 years never missed one child support payment even though at times it was a financial hardship for us. My husband had to basically start over at the age of 35. They split the assests but after the legal battle there wasn't much left. Hopefully times have changed, but the courts basically looked at him as a paycheck.

 

[heatherleigh]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I haven't been in it, but can imagine since I have a family. If no papers have been filed so far, do you think maybe you can take some of the $ you had saved, and put it in someone else's name who you trust? Obviously, I wouldn't take a large amount, but something would be better than nothing.

I'm a big fan of separate accounts with spouses, because it cuts down on so many problems. Last year, I started laundering a bit of money (I'm a sahm) each time I made a purchase. My purpose was to built up enough so I'd have my own spending money, for the kids and I. We then could use it for miscellaneous purposes and I wouldn't have to "ask". I had over a grand, but wound up having to use it in the end. My point is, even if you took a grand or two and put it away, it would help. You can put it aside for your kids' college.

I hope everything works out for you in the end. That is so tough. I just talked to a friend the other day, and she told me she filed for divorce last week. I'm still in shock about it. It's just so hard on the kids. I've read the same article one of the prior posters put up that gave statistics on children and divorces. It isn't pretty. However, I do understand that this is out of your control as to whether or not to work it out since your spouse has already made the decision. Good luck w/ everything.

 

[huskies90]

Wow!! So many great posts, advice and comments. Thank you to everyone for making me feel better about myself and what is going on. I will try to comment on everyone’s post without quoting.

First, my understanding that after equalizing the future potential income, the higher earner is on the hook for half the term of the marriage which in our case, I rounded up to 10 years.

Second, if there were things I could do to keep us and our family together I would do it and I have said that 100 times. However, the only thing she wants is “space” to do whatever she wants. Not seeing the other guy whom she claims is just a “friend” is not an option as I have tried that.

I am now thinking that she may have started the ball rolling because she took a day off last week from a job that she has almost no vacation time to do “personal things”. She may have been seeing a lawyer. So, I might not get to be the first to serve. What does that mean for me??

So, I agree with everyone on two things, 1) get a lawyer. I already got a few names. 2) Get me and the kids into counseling. I don’t know what she will do about that.

Yes I am shocked and blindsided. While our marriage wasn’t perfect, I would classify us as “happily married” throughout the whole 18 years. Right up until the last three months. So when she told me this, it was a shock. I am still in shock. But also, while she wants “time” and “space” I will not let this linger and I will fight for everything. I am not laying down. Ultimately, if I could keep the house and kids and pay her off somehow that would be my best case. I know it will not end that way but I will go in shooting high and work it down from there.

And finally, again, thanks for all the kind words and encouragement I really love this community and consider all of you friends (even posters who make nasty comments)…And if anyone in Connecticut is interesting in hanging out with a 41 year good looking Disney freak, pm me…

 

[mom2febgirls]

As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!!

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.

A friend of mine was a SAHM and she was trying to play nice and moved out. Well, her ex has custody of their 3 children, the house and she pays him child support.

My advice is to GET A GOOD LAWYER...even if you don't want to fight, you need to make sure you aren't the one who gets the shaft because she does.

 

[punkin]

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce sucks.

 

[kkwis2]

First I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is an incredibly exhausting place to be in life. You go through the motions of the day, but pretty much every thought relates to this situation.

We have a good friend to whom something very similar happened just this past fall. Out of no where his wife of 8 years had begun to act differently to the point that he became suspicious. He checked her phone and e-mail and found that there messages and long phone conversations during the day (while he was at work). Eventually what came out was that she was "spending time" with a "client." They did attend a couple of counseling sessions, but she didn't like that the counselor asked her some pretty tough questions, so she stopped going. Our friend continued counseling by himself, though, and has really learned a lot about himself, his coping mechanisms and communication style, etc. It has made a huge difference in how he has been able to handle things.

He did not want the marriage to end. He was willing to do just about anything to make it work. He didn't want his son (5 yrs old) to wonder why Daddy didn't try harder to stay with Mommy. His feeling was the same as yours, "She is the one cheating and wanting a divorce, so why am I the one who loses the house, the dogs, seeing his son every day, etc." In one of their counseling sessions, his wife said she couldn't stop seeing this guy. Her "heart hurt just thinking about it". To which he thought, "And what about me? What what you're doing to me?" He didn't want to push her away, so he just let things go as they were. She would be gone for hours at a time, overnight sometimes, with no explanation. He thought it was probably just a fling and that she would get past the infatuation and come back to him. I didn't understand how he could accept that. But like I said, he wanted to do anything he could to make it work. We warned him about becoming a doormat. You can't let her crap all over you in the name of trying to make things work.

To make a long story short, he finally decided that he had had enough. She was still seeing the guy, and the home situation was getting more and more frustrating. He had made sure to start documenting, documenting, documenting everything - how often he had his son, what they did - museums, zoos, games, etc., when she came home after he needed to leave for work (which meant he had to stay home with their son and be late for work), in short anything that might come up in court to help him get AT LEAST partial custody. They have started divorce proceedings. They have sold their house, and he bought a smaller one in the same neighborhood. It is not what he wanted. He stills thinks that his wife is/was wonderful and that he will never find someone as wonderful as her again. I still don't understand how he can feel that way after everything he's gone through, but I hope that he will eventually find the person with whom he is truly meant to be.

I don't know how this will help you other than knowing that you not alone in being taken completely by surprise. I agree with others that you need to find a great counselor and a great lawyer and allow them both to help you make good decisions at a very difficult and emtional time. Good luck to you.

 

[Mickey527]

Well it is good to see that you are getting such good responses and that you have made some plans for seeing a lawyer.
Someone wrote that you should get a PI. Don't waste your money, CT is a no fault state and she can be sleeping with 500 guys in your bedroom and that won't change a thing. It also won't change her right to custody which is terrible but the way it is in CT. Remember, my son is a fantastic dad and has full custody now but the bipolar mother has just as many rights as he. As soon as she can prove she has a place to live (she has been thrown out of all the shelters in the area and lives in her car now) and has been taking her medications (she got the first script last week but he can't prove she is taking them and doubts she is since she is now pregnant by one of her homeless shelter friends) she can go and get custody of my grandson back again.
Hey, I'm from CT and love Disney, but I'm almost 56. I would recommend my son but he hates Disney. Not sure where he came from, must be his father's son.

 

[MEM]

Your situation sounds a lot like my sister's. My EX-B-i-L came home one day and told her he had been seeing another woman for the past year and wanted a divorce so that they could get married(!) He had already hired an attorney, a particularly aggressive one (rabid, I would say). Both he and my sister are employed full-time with good jobs. My sister always put the max into her 401K and he put nothing into his. Yet, his attorney managed to convince the judge that my sister had to give half of her 401K to her ex. EX b-i-l stopped paying his half of the mortgage because his fiancee already had a house (this would be her third marriage). My sister stopped paying her half (dumb), assuming her ex would not allow the house to go to sheriff's auction (wrong). My sister now lives with our Mom. Fortunately, I guess, her kids are in college and custody was not an issue. He is also "too broke" to contribute to their educations.

In these uncertain times, a really effective lawyer is worth his/her weight in gold. Otherwise, you could lose whatever is most important to you and it would be very hard to get it back. As others have said, don't settle for less than joint custody and let her move out if she's so unhappy.

And one more thing: be very careful who you confide in. My sister is still friends with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law and confided certain things to them that I believe made it back to her ex and gave him the upper hand in the negotiations.

 

[disney-super-mom]

When it comes to spousal support for half the term of the marriage, 10 years in your case, that is not necessarily always the case. You and your attorney can put limitations on that.

For example a typical agreement would be you pay $xxx.xx per month in spousal support until such and such a date (10 years from now), or until your ex-wife is cohabitating with another adult who isn't a direct decendent (meaning a female room mate, a boyfriend, a husband, or anyone that isn't one of her own children). It doesn't matter who she co-habitates with....if she's living with someone else (someone moves in with her or she moves in with someone), then the spousal support ends at that time.

 

[ccgirl]

As others have said, get a lawyer and document everything. So sorry this has happened to you. Do not move out as that is sometimes seen as abandonment. Also, do not file first. I think this whole spousal support thing is hog wash. She has a job and can support herself. My SIL tried this. I told her to grow up and get her own job and support herself. The judge agreed, and told her she had a good career that she willingly gave up and she can start work again. She also tried to get part of his 401K, again...denied. They have joint custody. It is a calculation of how much he has to pay in child support. Good luck to you and your children. As a child of divorced parents, sometimes it is better for the kids when their parents get divorced. That way, they have two happy parents even though they don't live together rather than two miserable parents who stay together and fight all the time. Not saying you would, but never put your children in the middle or say disparaging remarks about your wife. Again, good luck to you.

 

[lizerbug]

Well, throughout this thread I have read some good advice and posted some of my own. It sounds as if you're taking the right steps. Let me add something here - go see a lawyer ASAP. It would be nice if you never had to use him/her, but have one ready just in case. I have read between the lines also. She is not being honest and you are trying your best to be. That's the worst part I think, the trust you had isn't there anymore. I'm so sad for you.

One more thing, and I know this from experience. Don't say anything negative about her to the kids, she'll use it against you. Don't give her that kind of ammunition. Not to mention that it might hurt the children. Again, good luck and keep us posted if you like