Decorative Basket Capital #1 in Male Suicides
Above: Quality time is spent between parents and children.
By Joe Saddle
Dresden, Ohio, the official Basket Capital of the World, and the home of the famous Longaburger Basket Company, (the premier maker of handmade baskets in the country for collectable baskets, marketed and sold by Independent Sales Associates and home shows,) and travel destination of several thousand basket collectors every year, has overwhelmingly become the number one city for male suicides in the nation.
It seems that men are arriving at the Coaled and Stiff Funeral Home and Crematory on main street in Dresden, making plans for their cremation, and killing themselves in the lobby by taking complementary cyanide tablets.
It all started about a year ago, stated Richard Stiff, part owner, a guy came in here after spending several days shopping with his wife, and said to me, in a desperate whisper, Can you end my pain? I didnt know what he was talking about, and I said, Im just a funeral director, Im not sure how I can help you. The man stood there for a second, then asked if he could make arrangements for his death while still alive, and I told him Yes, we have several plans available. He made his plans, and then went out into the lobby. Suddenly I heard a gunshot and found him dead on the floor. I called the ambulance, but there was nothing they could do. I showed the ambulance people he made plans with me, so they just left him with me and that was that.
The story got around, and pretty soon men were coming in every day. We started leaving Cyanide tablets out to reduce the mess we had to clean up.
GlossyNews.com asked Mr. Stiff how this establishment could get away with selling death plans and handing out cyanide tablets in the lobby and not get caught, and the answer is startling
. Well, its very simple he said, not one wife has turned us in, or pressed any charges.
At this time, Mr. Stiff took Glossy News into the Urn Basket Room.
Stiff said that when the wife comes in to find out what happened to her husband, they inform her of the whole story, then present her husbands ashes inside a wonderful basket-urn that is a one of a kind Longaburger Special Collector Edition. As soon as they present this beautiful, one-of-a-kind basket to her with her husband inside, with the attached Special Designer Personalized Tie-On, and Special Edition Lid, all talk of anger and pressing charges are gone.
It always goes the same way, said Stiff. the wife come in, all mad and ready to call the cops, then we give them the remains of their husband in our exquisitely designed basket-urn. Its like, I cant believe you allowed my husband to die like this, then cremate him without me having a say in the matter! This is horrible, I just cant believe it, its outrageo
... Oh
my
GOD! This basket is PRECIOUS!!!! Is this for me? A Limited Edition Designer to boot!?? WOW, how could I be SOOOO LUCKY!
Its come to the attention of GlossyNews.com that an even newer trend is developing in Dresden. Wives are beginning to purposefully drag their husbands to the Basket Capital of the World for a vacation, hoping to eventually get the Limited Edition Basket. These women love their baskets, said Stiff, and if there is a Limited Edition out there, you damn well know theyll do anything to get it!
And, Mr. Stiff confessed, getting the basket is easier than most people would think. They know that, for any normal man, its only a matter of time; for some it may be only a few days, sometimes a week or two, but they all look for a way out eventually. Shop after shop of handmade baskets, accessories, designer lids, tie ons, liners, protectors, big baskets, small baskets, baskets, baskets, baskets
.every man has his limit. Gez, I want to blow my brains out just TALKING about it.
Sooner or later, they end up at Coaled and Stiffs. They hear about what happens here, and they are thankful for our help. Im proud of our work here; no man should have to go through what these men do
..we put them out of their misery.
But sometimes the plan can backfire. If it doesnt work, there is a very simple reason
the guy is definitely gay.
As a matter of fact, John Zeal was basicly shown his way out of the closet due to his x-wifes attempt for a basket. My wife came up with this idea to go to Dresden and shop for baskets and basket accessories, and tour the Longaburger basket making plant. I said sure, and I found myself really getting into it. I was having a great time, looking at different designed, lids , toppers, tie-ons and basket liners, it was wonderful. And the factory was amazing, watching people hand-make the baskets. My wife could not believe that, after 11 days in Dresden I was still having the time of my life, then suddenly she said it was over between us because I was obviously gay
.and she was right! I had been living a lie for several years, but how she figured it out was amazing to me.
The Coaled and Stiff Funeral home is now looking at other products to offer their clients. We are very excited about our new product coming out this fall, the Basket Casket TM. This will revolutionize the funeral industry. Women will love to put their husbands to rest in these beautiful Hand-Woven Hubby-Holders to Heaven. Our preliminary testing is out of sight; wives simply cant wait for their husband to die!
Stiff concluded the interview saying, This is a real Win-Win situation. We end mens misery, and make a women very happy.
And dont forget the big winner here, Stiff said, with a smile on his face, my bank account!
