Long Rant and Rave

[treesinger]

I'll chime in an MTE for Poohandwendy's post. Good post.

I'll put it to you this way. My wife and I have a understanding. If either one of us becomes grossly neglectful of any of our children, the other partner will kick the other out of the house. I know that if I screw up badly with the kids, I'll be leaving. And she will do the same. The safety and well being of the children is paramount. Now, getting locked in the bathroom is potentially dangerous, but forgivable. My kids haven't done that yet, but I think it is only a matter of time knowing MY kids. Naked outside unattended and adults NOT EVEN KNOWING IT? I'd be living at the Motel 6 for a little while until DW was done ripping me up one side and down the other. And I would deserve it. I'd expect harsh repercussions. I'd rip my DW badly if she had done the same.

As far as lifestyle is concerned, if either one of us is not living up to our end, we take each other to task. Neither of us is going to allow the other to willfully and consistently take advantage of each other. There are times when we need to lean on each other. That's fine. What are partners for? But to CONSISTENTLY take advantage? No.

Bottom line, we both know that if we screw up too badly, the other one will be trying to get comfortable sleeping on the sidewalk. Perhaps that sounds draconian. But we both know where we stand, know what is expected of us and know what will not be tolerated. It has served us well.

If my DW were you in your situation? She'd kick my *** out on the curb until I straightened out. And if I didn't straighten out? She'd find a husband that would be as responsible as she needs.

I'm not suggesting that this method is right for you and yours. What I'm trying to convey is a sense of responsibility and accountability. Because without that, without consequences to our actions, do we really learn from it? Do we strive to be good people and to get better?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Snow Angel what Pooh & Wendy says is correct esp.,

Why would you expect people who do literally nothing all day to be responsible for anything?

Before you completely walk away from my post, let me clarify. Why has it been ok that noone at home is doing the household chores AND properly supervising the children when you work 2 jobs? Why has it been ok that your DH does not have a job during the day? Why has this completely disfunctional stage been set? Why has this situation become what it is?

You see , this is the part I "don't get"???? Why are you allowing to be done to your children. Your DH has crossed the line in the sand too many times. My children are the ones who need my attention and my dh is my partner with that. If my dh said "my $900 $$$" he would have been outta so fast his head would spin!

 

[Pop Daddy]

saying it, doesnt excuse it, long post

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I think everyone who has posted here is RIGHT!!!

Snow, you are being an enabler here. Let me repeat that... YOU are being an ENABLER here. And, now that you see that you are 'Dancing as fast as you can' and you still cannot do enough to make everyone happy and to provide everything for everyone else, you are ASKING if you have the right to be upset???? So, now, on top of being an ENABLER for controlling passive agressive selfish adults, you are in danger of becoming passive-aggresive. This is just so classic, and it only gest worse. Users are not just gonna up and change.... And YOU are played the bad guy because you want your SAHD husband to actually be responsible for the children while you work???

This is a never ending spiral.... YOU should take control of your situation, and your childrens welfare, immediately. What, is your income going to decrease if you lose TWO passive-aggressive users who are multiplying your financial and emotional burden? I would be asing myself, what do you need them for anyhow! Put your kids in reliable positive day care... Free yourself to live your life without all of this extra burden.

I would do that ASAP... while telling DH that he either finds a job to help support his children and pay for their day-care costs, or you will file for separation, and then the State can force his behind to work and pay child support. Just because he attends college a few nights a week is NO reason for him not to work. He is obviously not being a SAHD.

It is very obvious that there are some very very big issues here that will not change even if your DH does get through college. He probably does need some real help??? He has completely abdicated his role as husband and father. If my DH said, I have some classes 3-4 hours a few nights a week, so therefore, I have to be responsible for NOTHING else... (He is NOT being responsible - if he was, you would not be getting regular phone-calls. It is obvious that YOU are being held responsible for EVERYTHING.) Well, if my DH tried to pull that, then I don't know that we would continue to have a marriage. that would be my personal feelings.

HUGS and good wishes to you!

 

[Crankyshank]

Right on PAW.

At what point are you going to make a stand? When you have to rush your DD to the ER because she got into something she shouldn't have and the 2 adults home are too self-absorbed to pay attention?

You are very much enabling the situation and are acting like a door mat. While your MIL and your DH are mooches. They are living off your money and your hard work with no payment for your services. It sounds to me like you have an extra child- your husband. He's not an equal partner in the marriage and he needs to be.
Your husband needs counseling for depression. He also needs a kick in the butt. Does he ever plan on working? He's spending money on classes but what is he going to do when he gets a degree? Is he doing anything about looking for a job in the meantime? What is his excuse for neglecting your children? Have you looked into marriage counseling?

I would be livid if I were in your position, but a good reason why you are in the position you are in is because you put yourself there. You enabled the bad behavior. Why should he do work around the house when he hasn't had any negative consequences for his inaction? Sure you yell at him, but as you said- you cave into him. You are allowing him to emotionally manipulate you. Nip that behavior in the bud. Who cares if he is upset you yelled at him? He's not upset that you're upset.

 

[lapinluv]

As usual, I agree with EVERYTHING PoohandWendy said. Absolutely everything.

I would also be concerned about the family services department. If you continue to do nothing and your children continue to slip out of the house or get into trouble, you could find them taken away. It's UNACCEPTABLE for a child to be wandering outside for who knows how long in underwear alone. You're lucky your neighbor didn't call the state. Puppy dog eyes or not, my DH would have been out on his butt. And, I'm a passive-aggressive enabler just like you.

Please, for the sake of your children and you, make a plan, ultimatum, anything and stick to it.

 

[SnowAngel]

Good Morning!! Lots of replies so this will be a very long post. No excuses Popdaddy, just statements.. live with it

If anyone else can stand the rant read on.. it’ll be all over the place.. strap and see if you can follow my disassociated thoughts.


First - I agree with the above posts. I am an enabler and dh is definitely passive-aggressive. Anyone who knows him knows this. He will look at look and agree and still does what he wants in his own good time. He always has reasons and excuses that sometimes make sense in an off-sense, makes sense in a senseless way if you know what I mean. He can never be wrong. I asked because I was told I shouldn’t be upset as she is fine and it happens. I don’t think so, so often. We’ve come close to divorce several times, last was just this past summer where he packed and was about to move to his father to “get away from that bad influence.” (as his father said don’t ask)

I do demand, yell, make plans for him and within a while it turns back again. I’ve turned into a complete nutcase at times (though not in front of the girls. I try to talk good of him to them) He is the kind of person who will do what he supposed to with direct supervision. Another reason I allow the calls and also call home often to “check” up on him. He says I don’t trust him but haven’t seen much to trust him with. The problem is I’m getting tired of it. He’s says he doesn’t know what to do and I need to tell him! I do and he still does what he likes. I really don’t think he will change even after college.
When we first married, I let him take charge and slightly bully me… now I tell him off. I just thought of an article I read on abusive relationships.. I had 11 out of 15!! He’s not physically or anything but has a mouth on him and is good at putting me down. I can stand up for myself but tired of it. It gets to where I let things slide because I’m tired of fighting it. Only thing I won’t let slide is the girls.

Mainly on the childcare it is the money. Possible losing job and already going bankrupt. We can’t afford it right now and head start filled (she’s on list). Dh uses this as why he can’t get a job. It’s why I am constantly calling and stopping by. He got upset last week because 4yo was kept asking for something to eat but he didn’t want to get off computer. I found this out when I called and he got mad at me. I told him to get up off his butt and fix her something as it was lunch. He doesn’t believe in feeding them till they ask “because they won’t eat it” Now I wouldn’t mind him not having a job but to do his job at home responsibly. He’ll do the min and act like he did so much. He’s not always this bad but seems to happen so often.

This all said, I guess I hate giving up and nervous without someone to stand next to me or behind me (way, way behind me). He’s just a kid who never can seem to grow up or really want the responsibility; My Mom’s another entire issue (more than I can beleaguered you poor listeners too .. are you running yet?) I guess, I know what I need to do but really trouble with the action plan. So much going on in every aspect of my life, I’m going in circles just to keep up..up down and around the maypole

And please no kudos, not asking or what’s because I don’t deserve them. I’m not perfect and have quite a few faults but I can’t let anything slide because of the girls. Ever feel you should be able to do more? I get cranky with my girls and the house is usually messy but I try and make sure they know I love them. Funny, how you can have a degree in psychology and still not know what the beep to do. :


Okay, enough with my pity party. You still with me? Good, I almost lost myself there. I could go on and on and on and on and on.. I have it better than some, worse than others. It’s just the load gets heavy at times and need to rant and get objective opinions. I get more than enough opinions from everyone I know and my family. The laying down of the decision is the scary part.

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my rants and ease the tensions here. It does make it easier to talk (or write as may be). I think this board keeps me sane as well as my planned Disney trip in 2009.

It’s a slow day at work so have time for the ranting.
About to head out at lunch to buy a present for oldest dd who is 10 today ($20 gameboy!! Great deal) . I feel old.. my baby is 10.

 

[tracy51]

Reread what Pooh & Wendy wrote. I think its worth you reading again.

You and your husband need to talk and both of you really need to listen. Do it now before it becomes too late and you're left to nothing but the hard options. If you let the resentment build too long there will be no going back. I know, I've been in a similar situation with my now EX-husband, guess why those 2 letters are before the word husband. I don't think you want it to get to that point from what you've written in this post. (I haven't read your other post)

Marriage is a partnership. So is parenting. You do a lot and it sounds like you're starting to resent carrying all that burden without support. You need to make him understand that and if you can't get him through to him alone suggest getting some conselling together. Until you find away to get through to him and just let him keep doing things this way, he's gonna keep doing things this way.

If you need more motivation consider this... you've stated that you're worried about your job. You've also stated that people are commenting on you having 2 grown adults at home yet you are the one who constantly puts her work on hold to take care of things with the kids. There are a lot of companies out there that don't like that. Whether or not they can legally fire you or hold you back for that I'm not sure but, they can 'unofficially' keep that in mind when reviews come around. If you have to find a new job, a new employer is not going to like you having to take off all the time when they know others are available or in theory are available to do that.

In the meantime, have strength. You can do what needs to be done. Anytime you have doubt, look at your children and remember that you have to do whats best for them. It sounds like you know that already but a reminder of that mamma bear instinct can give you the strength you need to do what needs to be done.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just wanted to add another thing. If you leave this marriage, you still need to look in the mirror and figure out why this relationship was so disfunctional. You still need to address the role you are playing in it. If you do not make changes in YOURSELF, I guarantee you will end up with the same situation with the next guy. And the guy after that and the guy after that.

I hope you can figure things out together, I really do. But either way, I think you need to learn to accept that things aren't just happening to you or being done to you by some bad twist of fate. There is a reason why your situation is a mess and you are part of the reason.

Please seek help now, for both of you. Your happiness and the happiness of your children depends on it.

Good luck to you!

 

[poohandwendy]

Just read your post (I was posting at the same time, LOL

I do demand, yell, make plans for him and within a while it turns back again.

You are obviously not getting your message across effectively if it slides right back into the same routine and you allow it. Sounds like you are 'nagging'...nagging does NOT work.

Demanding means that without permanent changes there will be serious and permanent consequences. Obviously he is on to you. He knows that you will forget about it. And guess what? He is right, you do.... until the next time you are completely pissed. What steps are YOU willing to take to make changes in yourself so that you do not live this way any longer?

To be honest, what I am hearing in your posts is someone who doesn't even know what she wants. Your thoughts are scattered. You go back and forth talking about things he has done wrong and giving us all reasons to think you should not remain married. Ok, we get it. Now what are YOU going to do about it? When are you going to take responsibility for your life and stop playing the martyr?

You say that you get 'tired' of dealing with it...how is that any less 'lazy' than what he is doing? Neither of you seem to be able to complete tasks. He in a practical everyday way, you in an emotional way. The result is 2 people who are grinding away at eachother and getting nowhere fast.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

P & W I think pop daddy nailed that one on the answer to your question.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, yep and he did it with so few words....

 

[Pugdog007]

I'm not replying any longer because poohandwendy is saying all that needs to be said.

Now will you listen, Snow?

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

SnowAngel -- Do you have access to a computer at work? If so, why don't you get rid of the computer in your house. It seems as though many of the problems arise because your husband is on the computer all day. I know it's a minor issue compared to the big picture but it might help.

Also, what's the deal w/your mom? Does she contribute any income to the household or does she stay rent free? I'm sure there are probably some special circumstances or she wouldn't be living with you at all but maybe she can get a part-time job of some kind as well. If you can't count on her or your husband to watch the kids...find them something else to do that will contribute to a childcare fund.

As for the $900 a month that is "his" money -- I'd charge him room and board!!!

It's a rough spot to be in and I wish you all the luck in the world. Sometimes it just helps to have someone listen (or read!).

 

[SnowAngel]

I want to say thank you as all of you have given me things to think about. Wendyandpooh is so right in my scattered thoughts. My mind seems to wander away too much. I'm lucky to keep up myself so if anyone can it'll be suprising. (ps I am more organzed than my thoughts may seem :wink: My thoughts just like to scatter and I really don't know what to do - yet it can learn to do C programming... weird brain)

We have discussed and discussed and agreed upon things.. I try for the most part not to discuss when I'm angry but to come back later. I try not to nag but he sometimes don't seem to get my message till I get mad. It's my fault just as much for starting to cave. I just so overwhelmed by everything happening, I try to pick and choose. I've been very sick last couple months so makes me more tired (effort to do things sometimes and don't have the energy) We'll work it out or not. I do thank you for all your input advice. It has just been a bad couple of days.

This is my "clockwork" side. He has another and then we have many outside versions.


As for my Mom, that's another epic story.Hey doing better, at one time I had dh, mom, db and db's friend living with us and only me working. I kicked mom, db, db's friend out but Mom came back. I won't bore you with that today. This long post have been long enough to have most sane people running in horror .

 

[SnowAngel]

Ever hear no matter how far your run, no matter how hard you run, the root of all you troubles still follow .. because wherever you go there you are.

Popdaddy is a man of few words. He needs no more