Keeping maiden name when marrying

[ols386]

We have clients who use their maiden name but, it creates problems with the company computers. The computers keep deleting discounts as it can not match up the names. The clients call, we force the discount back on and the next year it happens all over again.

Isn't there a way to change the system so that it recognizes the name? So you don't have to keep doing that year after year?

 

[robinb]

I don't mean this as an attack, I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.

First you say:

I grew up in a culture that teaches many things about marriage, including that the married couple becomes a single unit, that the husband takes the leadership role in that unit, and that the wife takes the name of the husband. It would have been a sign that my wife wasn't ready to be what I needed her to be in our marriage.

This kind of marriage isn't for everyone. It requires that the wife really trust the husband - trusts him to put her and the children ahead of himself in everything. But for men or women who are looking for this kind of marriage, nothing else will do.

And then later you say ...

Understand that women who live in a marriage like mine are not subservient in any way. My wife and I are one. That cannot be true if I am greater than her in any way. If anything, women in my culture tend to be placed on pedestals (which isn't healthy, either).

IMO, there is no wrong culture - just different cultures.

For me, the two comments don't mesh. Either you are a unit with the husband in a leadership role and the wife in a subordinate role or you are a unit of equals where no spouse greater in any way.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm struck by the fact that a number of women in this thread have stated that they would not have married their husband if he had a problem with their keeping their maiden names. These women have not been attacked. However, men who feel that it is important for their wife to take their last names are being attacked.

Are men not allowed to have opinions on this issue?

Honest discussion, even despite disagreement, does not necessarily constitute attack.

May I ask you this? As a man (caucasian, I assume), have you ever belonged to a group who's subjected to societal subjugation? If not, then you might not truly understand how some of us feel about it.

 

[Magpie]

We have clients who use their maiden name but, it creates problems with the company computers. The computers keep deleting discounts as it can not match up the names. The clients call, we force the discount back on and the next year it happens all over again.

I don't understand this... are the discounts somehow dependent on their married status? Are they only for spouses of members, or something?

I maintained a huge membership database for a provincial organization. It was no trouble at all to cross reference one account with another. Jane Doe is married to John Smith. John Brown is married to Adam Jones. Etc...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't mean this as an attack, I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from....

For me, the two comments don't mesh. Either you are a unit with the husband in a leadership role and the wife in a subordinate role or you are a unit of equals where no spouse greater in any way.

I do understand how someone could read that and have that question. We are equals in our partnership - two equal parts of the one whole. I needed someone who would "complete me" (to borrow a phrase that is perfectly suited to my real need). That person needed to be a better human being than I was/am. But she also needed to be willing to do something for me that very few people do for the other any more - give up herself completely for me. Why? Because that is what I wanted to do in turn, and I couldn't do it for someone who wasn't willing to do it for me.

I grew up wanting one thing - a wife that loved me as much as I loved her. I never cared about anything else (until my boys were born). I still don't care about anything else.

So I spent years looking for a woman with older values - values that aligned with the culture that I spring from. Not so much because those values were important to me in and of themselves, as because the person that I sought needed to have those values for me to trust them enough to give myself to them completely. So I needed the one to trust, if that makes any sense.

I never imagined that I would meet a girl like that on Long Island. My wife is my everything.

 

[ols386]

I do understand how someone could read that and have that question. We are equals in our partnership - two equal parts of the one whole. I needed someone who would "complete me" (to borrow a phrase that is perfectly suited to my real need). That person needed to be a better human being than I was/am. But she also needed to be willing to do something for me that very few people do for the other any more - give up herself completely for me. Why? Because that is what I wanted to do in turn, and I couldn't do it for someone who wasn't willing to do it for me.

I grew up wanting one thing - a wife that loved me as much as I loved her. I never cared about anything else (until my boys were born). I still don't care about anything else.

So I spent years looking for a woman with older values - values that aligned with the culture that I spring from. Not so much because those values were important to me in and of themselves, as because the person that I sought needed to have those values for me to trust them enough to give myself to them completely. So I needed the one to trust, if that makes any sense.

I never imagined that I would meet a girl like that on Long Island. My wife is my everything.

I don't agree with everything you've posted on this thread, but one thing I can say is, you love your wife with all your heart.

Nice.

 

[sbell111]

Honest discussion, even despite disagreement, does not necessarily constitute attack.

True, but attacks are still attacks even if people later call them 'honest disagreement'.

May I ask you this? As a man (caucasian, I assume), have you ever belonged to a group who's subjected to societal subjugation? If not, then you might not truly understand how some of us feel about it.

Thanks for the link to the definition. Going by that, I would guess that the great majority of us belong to a group that has at one time or another in it's history been subjugated. Certainly, I belong to such a group. Still, that has no bearing on this issue.

The postions that 1) a woman would not have married a man if he required her to take his name and that 2) a man would not marry a woman if she wasn't willing to take his name are polar opposites that each have the same amount of importance and weight to their respective posters. Given that no woman who took position #1 received any amount of attacking, the amount of animus shown by some for position #2 was quite striking.

 

[sissy_ib]

I'm just adding my DFs last name. I'm not hyphenating but I will have two middle names. I feel like my last name is a part of who I am and I want to keep it but I also want to be Mrs. F.
I also have a friend who dropped her given middle name and kept her maiden name as her new middle name. That seams silly to me. No reason I can t have two middle names.

 

[sbell111]

If the women were insisting that men change their names upon marriage to satisfy the woman's ego, I'd agree with you completely.

By bringing ego into the issue, you are coloring the issue in an unfair way, in my opinion.

In my opinion, when a woman takes her husband's name, she is making a statement to the world that she has entered into a partnership that takes precedence over her childhood relationship with her parents. This message becomes even more important when the couple has children because the like names helps define the family.

I don't for a moment believe that my ego plays into my feelings about this.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

By bringing ego into the issue, you are coloring the issue in an unfair way, in my opinion.

In my opinion, when a woman takes her husband's name, she is making a statement to the world that she has entered into a partnership that takes precedence over her childhood relationship with her parents. This message becomes even more important when the couple has children because the like names helps define the family.

I don't for a moment believe that my ego plays into my feelings about this.

I agree. I never considered that myself or my family name was any more important than my wife's. Truth be told, I like her family better.

 

[Disney Doll]

I considered it briefly, but for a very silly reason. My name begins with a B, and my husband's last name begins with an S. So knowing my initials would be BS, I though no one would ever take me seriously again. I did change it, but dropped my given middle name and replaced it with my maiden name. That's what my mom did MANY years ago and I always thought it was a cool way to keep both names.

Oh, and there have only been a few people who didn't take me seriously in the last 16 years

Please....when I got married my initials became PMS.

I ordered a backpack from LLBean and the lady offered me monogramming. I said no and she told me it was free because I had an LLBean Visa. I said no because my initials weren't so good. She said "Oh come on...how bad could they be?". I said "My monogram would be PMS. There was a pregnant pause and she finally said "Oh my, how unfortunate".

Needless to say, I got no monogram.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thanks for the link to the definition. Going by that, I would guess that the great majority of us belong to a group that has at one time or another in it's history been subjugated. Certainly, I belong to such a group.

You yourself, or your group historically?

Still, that has no bearing on this issue.

And this speaks volumes.

I think your definition/accustation of attack is weak, also.

 

[Handbag Lady]

It is totally a personal choice, but make sure you discuss with your husband-to-be first. Surprises in this area are a bad way to start a marriage.

I took my husband's name because I wanted to and that was that. I knew he wanted me to, but that's beside the point! I was known professionally with my maiden name, but I hadn't written any papers or books. My profession is in entertainment. I had the best assistant ever at the time so starting a few weeks before my wedding, she answered the phone with my maiden name but said "it is changing to New Last Name so you better update your contact list now!" or something cute like that.

I had no problem transisitioning to the new name because of her. Even today, no one remembers my maiden name but they do remember me. A few of my older clients knew my maiden name and are shocked it has been ten years.

So, in closing, do what suits you and your needs. Men's egos can be fragile, so be a little prepared if he is against it at first.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We have clients who use their maiden name but, it creates problems with the company computers. The computers keep deleting discounts as it can not match up the names. The clients call, we force the discount back on and the next year it happens all over again.

I have never had anything like that happen with me, and we do all kinds of business transactions.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I think your definition/accustation of attack is weak, also.

I didn't see it as an attack as much as an overly defensive response given the positive attitude with which most have posted in this thread.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I didn't see it as an attack as much as an overly defensive response given the positive attitude with which most have posted in this thread.

And I for one appreciate your sticking to the issues (as well as respect your beliefs even if they're different from mine) instead of detracting with the attack argument.

 

[JennyDarling]

I do understand how someone could read that and have that question. We are equals in our partnership - two equal parts of the one whole. I needed someone who would "complete me" (to borrow a phrase that is perfectly suited to my real need). That person needed to be a better human being than I was/am. But she also needed to be willing to do something for me that very few people do for the other any more - give up herself completely for me. Why? Because that is what I wanted to do in turn, and I couldn't do it for someone who wasn't willing to do it for me.

I grew up wanting one thing - a wife that loved me as much as I loved her. I never cared about anything else (until my boys were born). I still don't care about anything else.

So I spent years looking for a woman with older values - values that aligned with the culture that I spring from. Not so much because those values were important to me in and of themselves, as because the person that I sought needed to have those values for me to trust them enough to give myself to them completely. So I needed the one to trust, if that makes any sense.

I never imagined that I would meet a girl like that on Long Island. My wife is my everything.

This may very well be one of the sweetest things I have ever read on here!

Just reading makes me want to go home and bake my DH an apple pie (he loves it, I hate it)!

Thank you for sharing.

 

[JennyDarling]

I took DH's last name, legally and professionally.

My only problem is that we bought our house before we were married so our mortgage was in his name and my maiden name. For some reason, and I don't remember the details, it was really complicated to change my name on the mortgage after we were married so we just left it.

Fast forward 5 years- We decide to do some major renovations and want to take out a home equity loan. I had to file a notice of an alias before the bank would do anything!

So there ya have it Disboards...I took DH's name but, legally, still have my alias if I ever need it

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm struck by the fact that a number of women in this thread have stated that they would not have married their husband if he had a problem with their keeping their maiden names. These women have not been attacked. However, men who feel that it is important for their wife to take their last names are being attacked.

Are men not allowed to have opinions on this issue?

Sure, you're allowed to have an opinion. You're even allowed to state it.

Try to understand the perspective of those of us who disagree: A spouse who keeps a birth name is not giving up anything, and the spouse who marries that person isn't getting anything. It's a completely power-neutral transaction. When a spouse does give up a birth name, that spouse loses something intrinsic to the self, but the other spouse who gets to keep the birth name does not. However, the spouse who gets to keep the birth name doesn't materially gain anything, either, so why does it matter to that person? Because it (however unconsciously) affirms the position of dominance by NOT having to be the one who caves and adjusts to a new identity. Very, very few men experience what it is to literally change identity. (FTR, my great-grandfather was one of the few. My grandmother was an heiress; he gave up his name in return for gaining control of her money.)

I phrased my answer the way that I did because I wanted to include the parallels in gay relationships, even though I'm not gay. I do, however, prefer the term "spouse" to either "husband" or "wife"; "spouse" is gender-neutral and hasn't a fraction of the cultural baggage.

 

[LuvOrlando]

May I ask you this? As a man (caucasian, I assume), have you ever belonged to a group who's subjected to societal subjugation? If not, then you might not truly understand how some of us feel about it.

I have to say that I have a smart, handsome, blue eyed, Christian, white male middle class son and I think his demographic take more hits than google these days... and I'm not a fan.

I'm not saying you aren't right to an extent, yes females do bear the brunt of abuse. However, I don't agree that being in my son's demographic somehow makes them immune from bad things. All these men were once kids and since children are the most common victims I think it's fair to say we've all been in the same shoes at some point, even if some outgrow those shoes & others don't. I know it's easy to forget that men were once helpless children but they were, all of them. Now one day my son will grow big & strong and be the least likely victim of crime but for now, he's just like me.