Keeping maiden name when marrying

[disykat]

I'm not sure if this was your intent but when you make statements like that it implies women who didn't change thier name are NOT committed to their husbands and families.

I disagree. Good grief! People simply show their committment in different ways. Telling the way you do it is not slamming all others who don't do things exactly the way you do.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Why ?

I grew up in a culture that teaches many things about marriage, including that the married couple becomes a single unit, that the husband takes the leadership role in that unit, and that the wife takes the name of the husband. It would have been a sign that my wife wasn't ready to be what I needed her to be in our marriage.

This kind of marriage isn't for everyone. It requires that the wife really trust the husband - trusts him to put her and the children ahead of himself in everything. But for men or women who are looking for this kind of marriage, nothing else will do.

 

[Magpie]

I grew up in a culture that teaches many things about marriage, including that the married couple becomes a single unit, that the husband takes the leadership role in that unit, and that the wife takes the name of the husband. It would have been a sign that my wife wasn't ready to be what I needed her to be in our marriage.

This kind of marriage isn't for everyone. It requires that the wife really trust the husband - trusts him to put her and the children ahead of himself in everything. But for men or women who are looking for this kind of marriage, nothing else will do.

I just want to point out that "this kind of marriage" isn't restricted to your culture.

I didn't take my husband's name, in part because my husband thought it was a foolish, meaningless waste of money. I'm not part of your culture, but I do really trust my husband, and I KNOW he puts us before everything else. His father was the same way. My husband makes me stronger, he challenges me, and yes... I look up to him. At the same time, he says I make him a better person and he's grateful that I call him out when he's not living up to his ideals. He says he admires me immensely, and heck, I can hear the pride in his voice every time I overhear him talking about "my wife" to other people.

This is the kind of marriage we were both looking for, and I feel incredibly blessed that we found each other. It just gets better every year we're together. He's part of me, as much as my right arm. And he feels the same way.

But hey, I'm Unitarian. And Canadian. I believe in equal rights for men and women, for gay and straight. Politically I'm somewhere between an Anarchist and a Libertarian, with a strong Socialist streak. My husband's fiscally Conservative and socially Liberal. I suspect we don't have an awful lot in common with you - but we still have "that kind of marriage".

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I just want to point out that "this kind of marriage" isn't restricted to your culture.

I didn't take my husband's name, in part because my husband thought it was a foolish, meaningless waste of money. I'm not part of your culture, but I do really trust my husband, and I KNOW he puts us before everything else. His father was the same way. My husband makes me stronger, he challenges me, and yes... I look up to him. At the same time, he says I make him a better person and he's grateful that I call him out when he's not living up to his ideals. He says he admires me immensely, and heck, I can hear the pride in his voice every time I overhear him talking about "my wife" to other people.

This is the kind of marriage we were both looking for, and I feel incredibly blessed that we found each other. It just gets better every year we're together. He's part of me, as much as my right arm. And he feels the same way.

But hey, I'm Unitarian. And Canadian. I believe in equal rights for men and women, for gay and straight. Politically I'm somewhere between an Anarchist and a Libertarian, with a strong Socialist streak. My husband's fiscally Conservative and socially Liberal. I suspect we don't have an awful lot in common with you - but we still have "that kind of marriage".

It sounds like you have a lot more in common with me that you might believe.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I suspect we don't have an awful lot in common with you - but we still have "that kind of marriage".

So true, and same here.

We have an equal partnership, but it doesn't mean we aren't wholly committed to eachother, the marriage, the children, etc. (Going on 30 yrs together, I should hope not!)

I can only speak for myself and why it was an issue for me, but it had more to do with a combination of a) the household I grew up in and 2) distaste for societal mores as they relate to women's subdjugation.

It had absolutely nothing to do with a dislike for my husband's name (which I've come to love and am happy to go by socially if that's what's easiest for people).

I feel less passionately about this today than I did 24 yrs ago when I married, but that's probably because I've enjoyed exercising freedom in my own decision making all along and have not been put in a position where I resent not having an equal say in things, as my mother was.

 

[Magpie]

It sounds like you have a lot more in common with me that you might believe.

Cool!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... distaste for societal mores as they relate to women's subdjugation...

Understand that women who live in a marriage like mine are not subservient in any way. My wife and I are one. That cannot be true if I am greater than her in any way. If anything, women in my culture tend to be placed on pedestals (which isn't healthy, either).

IMO, there is no wrong culture - just different cultures.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Understand that women who live in a marriage like mine are not subservient in any way.

Please note I was talking in societal terms, not individual marriage terms.

However...

In light of what you're saying

women who live in a marriage like mine are not subservient in any way

You said in your ealier post you would have dropped your wife like a hot potato if she hadn't taken your name. Frankly, that sounds a bit controlling.

I would not have married my wife, as much as I love her, if she had been unwilling to take my name.

 

[punkin]

I grew up in a culture that teaches many things about marriage, including that the married couple becomes a single unit, that the husband takes the leadership role in that unit, and that the wife takes the name of the husband. It would have been a sign that my wife wasn't ready to be what I needed her to be in our marriage.

This kind of marriage isn't for everyone. It requires that the wife really trust the husband - trusts him to put her and the children ahead of himself in everything. But for men or women who are looking for this kind of marriage, nothing else will do.

Where's that pukey smilie? I don't do well as a follower and neither does DH. We are one unit and DH puts the girls and me before himself. I put the girls and him before myself. If I dated a man like you, I am sure the question of changing names would never have come up as I would have probably dropped you like a hot potato before the second date.

 

[scubamouse]

I've kept my maiden name professionally but changed it legally. It works fine for us. DH is very traditional but this is one thing he was never hung up about.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...You said in your ealier post you would have dropped your wife like a hot potato if she hadn't taken your name. Frankly, that sounds a bit controlling.

I never said anything of the sort. I said that I would not have married her. For me, marriage is an institution only entered into with a complete understanding of the other person, and their needs, and a willingness to dedicate yourself to meeting those needs over the remainder of your life. Frankly, if she understood me and my needs and refused to take my name, she wouldn't have loved me. If she didn't understand me, we weren't ready for marriage.

As for it being controlling - something in your life leads you to this conclusion. The fact is, I never even asked my wife to take my name. It was her idea.

You feel differently about the name thing. That is fine. But don't try to make me look small because of your difference of opinion. Your assumptions are all wrong, as is your list of conclusions.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Where's that pukey smilie? I don't do well as a follower and neither does DH. We are one unit and DH puts the girls and me before himself. I put the girls and him before myself. If I dated a man like you, I am sure the question of changing names would never have come up as I would have probably dropped you like a hot potato before the second date.

LOL - you have never met me. Do you know how you sound in this post?

 

[handinpocket]

Where's that pukey smilie? I don't do well as a follower and neither does DH. We are one unit and DH puts the girls and me before himself. I put the girls and him before myself. If I dated a man like you, I am sure the question of changing names would never have come up as I would have probably dropped you like a hot potato before the second date.

Oh my. The man was just giving his perspective and reasoning behind it. He wasn't insisting that everyone must subscribe to his way of thinking or be an idiot. I don't understand your hostility.

 

[sbell111]

I'm struck by the fact that a number of women in this thread have stated that they would not have married their husband if he had a problem with their keeping their maiden names. These women have not been attacked. However, men who feel that it is important for their wife to take their last names are being attacked.

Are men not allowed to have opinions on this issue?

 

[mlenz]

I kept my name,he kept his name the kids have both our names.
I never would have married someone who insisted i change my name,makes me kinda sick. It's all about equallity.
My MIL was supportive , I think she wishes she would of kept her own name,
My sister did not change her name and one of her kids has her last name one her husbands.
My other sister cahnged her name
My cousin took his wifes name
My husband has been called my name more than I his lol , he says it doesn't bother him since we are a family, Man I love my husband
I say whatever makes you happy go for it

 

[TheBearrs]

I'm getting married in December of 2012 and I'm taking my fiance's last name. I want to take his name so it's an easy decision.

I can understand why some people don't want to take their husband's last name and think that you should do whatever makes you and your DFi happy. It's absolutely something you two should talk about though.

Congrats on your engagement!

 

[Pigeon]

I'm struck by the fact that a number of women in this thread have stated that they would not have married their husband if he had a problem with their keeping their maiden names. These women have not been attacked. However, men who feel that it is important for their wife to take their last names are being attacked.

Are men not allowed to have opinions on this issue?

If the women were insisting that men change their names upon marriage to satisfy the woman's ego, I'd agree with you completely.

 

[DVC-Don]

We have clients who use their maiden name but, it creates problems with the company computers. The computers keep deleting discounts as it can not match up the names. The clients call, we force the discount back on and the next year it happens all over again.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

My last name is very common, my fiance's isn't. He gets his mispronounced all the time... ALL the time. But I've also never considered keeping my name or not taking his.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

never mind - not worth it