Keeping maiden name when marrying

[gina2000]

Please....when I got married my initials became PMS.

I ordered a backpack from LLBean and the lady offered me monogramming. I said no and she told me it was free because I had an LLBean Visa. I said no because my initials weren't so good. She said "Oh come on...how bad could they be?". I said "My monogram would be PMS. There was a pregnant pause and she finally said "Oh my, how unfortunate".

Needless to say, I got no monogram.

LOL! Totally off topic .... I had a roommate who loved everything preppie (this is 35 years ago). She had her initials monogramed over her left breast on a new pink Lacoste shirt.

Her initials were MAM.

Needless to say, she didn't wear that shirt much.....



Oh, and I never changed my name 28 years ago.

 

[kacaju]

I took my dh's name when we got married. I don't care what others do. My only request...
When you have children and there is one or more DIFFERENT last names on the checks...PLEASE write the childs first and last name in the memo area.
Nothing is more frustrating then having a check with a name(s) that do match up with a name of a child and having to dig through piles of papers to try to figure out who the check belongs too!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Very, very few men experience what it is to literally change identity...

A different perspective - everyone who has ever bound themselves to another person has changed their identity. They are changed completely by that experience. It has nothing to do with the name change and everything to do with the assumption of becoming more than the individual that you once were - of becoming a part of something bigger. My identity was no less changed when I bound myself to my wife than hers. It changed yet again on the days that my boys were born.

 

[bumbershoot]

I am seriously considering keeping my maiden name when I get married. Have not yet had this discussion with my fiance.

Has anyone done this, what was you experience?

Neither DH nor I changed our names when we married. There has been absolutely no difficulty with it.

We also hyphenated DS. The only issue has been with a lost file at his naturopath's office, because for some reason they were going to file it with either my or DH's file, but then couldn't ever find it again. Which was weird. Just put it alphabetically.

I don't care if strangers don't know my last name, or if they call hubby by mine (most brilliant evidence of gender bias was when I booked a pre-cruise hotel for our honeymoon, and I was still using my professional title then (doctor of chiropractic aka Dr), and they called HIM Dr mylastname).

I DO care when my relatives can't figure it out after more than 7 years of us being married, and of me writing out mylastname, DHlastname, & DSlast-name on return labels etc. I've managed to figure it out almost instantly when they married and actually CHANGED their names...I didn't change a thing, it's all just as it was before, so where's the issue? I haven't said anything, I just keep on addressing those labels!


And when I'm giving all our names, I smile and say "there are three last names, 'cuz we're obnoxious like that", and it always gets a smile back and the understanding that this isn't going to be as simple as expected, and it's all good.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I DO care when my relatives can't figure it out after more than 7 years of us being married, and of me writing out mylastname, DHlastname, & DSlast-name on return labels etc. I've managed to figure it out almost instantly when they married and actually CHANGED their names...I didn't change a thing, it's all just as it was before, so where's the issue?...

LOL - sounds like a passive-aggressive response by folks who don't agree with your decision - or just can't comprehend it.

 

[NotUrsula]

A different perspective - everyone who has ever bound themselves to another person has changed their identity. They are changed completely by that experience. It has nothing to do with the name change and everything to do with the assumption of becoming more than the individual that you once were - of becoming a part of something bigger. My identity was no less changed when I bound myself to my wife than hers. It changed yet again on the days that my boys were born.

Certainly, that's the emotional perspective, and I agree that it is valid. However, in this instance I'm speaking of the legal perspective.

There are hoops to jump through to change one's legal identity, and it is always a public process. Most men (not all; I'm not lumpng you all into an amorphous mass) do not know what that is like, yet somehow seem to have an inborn aversion to ever doing it. Why, do you suppose?

 

[jlder72]

I didn't and never really considered it more from a convenience factor then anything. Friends that have done this are constantly correcting people that they are really Ms. Smith, not Mrs. Jones. It gets confusing if you have kids, etc. I also think that there is the symbol of having one family name to show you are a family. I don't think that you have to automatically take the husband's name but that is more traditional. I know of one family that actually made up a last name-combination of their "maiden" names and that is the family last name now. It will give historians/genealogists fits in the future but it works for them . I just think it is easier not to have different last names.

Our situation is a little different. We were together 12 years ago in the military, seperated, and I had a child She has always gone by my name never his and I am wondering if keeping our names the same would be the better route to go as we are known by our name and his name if French, he is a foriegner coming to us in the US.

 

[bumbershoot]

It makes things a little difficult at the children's schools..

Isn't that just sad? My mom was divorced when I was 4, and remarried when I was 9ish, and the schools just could not comprehend the different last names when she changed names. You'd think they could just make a note. I went to a tiny e. school, one room per grade, they'd known us since 1st grade!

I can understand how he feels.

My wife added my last name, unhyphenated. So she went from a name like Cathy Smith to one like Cathy Smith Jones. Because of the hassle and drama associated with the combo name, many people call her Mrs. Smith, rather than Mrs. Smith Jones or Mrs. Jones. It does hurt my feelings when my last name gets dropped and honestly, it angers me when people end up calling me Mr. Smith.

She should have hyphenated. Even I can't understand how Smith Jones is ONE last name.

I'm sorry you get angry about it.

MIL used to send me birthday cards addressed to "Mrs John Smith". Annoyed the heck out of me. Geez, at least give me my FIRST name! (I know that's the way it used to be done, in the dark ages.)

FWIW it's still the most formal form. Even I get that I could be get mail addressed to Mrs Robert blahblah, and I'd respond to an invitation addressed like that. Might not be my legal name, but it's a very formal way of doing things in this western society.

It is a personal choice, but have you considered what he will think? I would not have married my wife, as much as I love her, if she had been unwilling to take my name.

At first I really boiled up over that...but since I wouldn't have married a man who insisted on a name change...we're equal. Since I grew up with a different last name than my mom, names don't mean family to me. So it's just not an issue. And I see NO point in changing a name to prove that you're part of a family.

I do wonder, if she wanted to change back, would you divorce her at this point? Or have you realized that a name is just a name, and it's what happens in the home and heart that really matters?

I should also mention that DH still considers changing his last name to mine. Because as nasty as my dad might have been at times, he's better now, and his family is a good one...whereas DH's dad was a jerk, his dad was a jerk, HIS dad was a jerk...there's just not much good in that family until DH! So he'd like to get away from his name, but doesn't want to give his mom a heart attack by dumping the last name (FIL is already dead).

I'm not sure if this was your intent but when you make statements like that it implies women who didn't change thier name are NOT committed to their husbands and families.

Sure does...

Understand that women who live in a marriage like mine are not subservient in any way. My wife and I are one. That cannot be true if I am greater than her in any way. If anything, women in my culture tend to be placed on pedestals (which isn't healthy, either).

Sounds like my stepdad and what he aspired to with my mom, and probably his first wife, and almost certainly his current wife. (3 marriages aren't really his fault...first wife cheated and left him, my mom died...) I think that he manages it...but to the outside world, as I am sure you know, it LOOKS not-so-pretty. He, and I'm sure YOU, manage to work it out so IF there ever comes to a decision where you guys are split, you make the decision with her and the family FULLY in mind, but I'm sure you know that MOST in that situation have a very hard time making a selfless decision for the best of the entire family. I'm sure you know how difficult it is. In fact, I would say that my stepdad is about the only one I know who can do it, but I'm not 100% about him, as my mom changed *enormously* when she married him, and even after she died, he REFUSED to see the true, whole, her, and only wanted to see the her she showed him... But maybe you're someone who does it...I just don't *know* you, so can't include you in those I know.

You said in your ealier post you would have dropped your wife like a hot potato if she hadn't taken your name. Frankly, that sounds a bit controlling.

I wouldn't have married a man who made me change my name. No difference.

We have clients who use their maiden name but, it creates problems with the company computers. The computers keep deleting discounts as it can not match up the names. The clients call, we force the discount back on and the next year it happens all over again.

That's a sad bit of software...fix it.

In my opinion, when a woman takes her husband's name, she is making a statement to the world that she has entered into a partnership that takes precedence over her childhood relationship with her parents. This message becomes even more important when the couple has children because the like names helps define the family.

I don't for a moment believe that my ego plays into my feelings about this.

And what is the husband showing, by doing nothing at all?

Names do nothing to define a family. My mom was also married three times. She had 4 different last names over the years; after the first marriage she made her maiden name her middle (wasn't given a middle name at birth), so she held onto that, but we were never that last name, we were my dad's last name. She kept our home for us, she raised us, we were FAMILY, and it didn't matter one last little bit what name any of us went by.

Once you grow up in a situation like that, you see how inconsequential names are...

I agree. I never considered that myself or my family name was any more important than my wife's. Truth be told, I like her family better.

What about changing names over to her maiden, then? 10 years your last name, 10 years hers...etc?

LOL - sounds like a passive-aggressive response by folks who don't agree with your decision - or just can't comprehend it.

It's mainly the stepdad, and he's known me since I was 17, so he shouldn't be surprised. Actually he's known me since 8th grade, as my mom and he were step-cousins, and he and his family lived in DC when I did the 8th grade DC trip, and we met up one evening. But I'm sure last names didn't enter that conversation then, LOL.

I've noticed that they change the names up every so often, so I just don't know what the deal is. He and his wife aren't really p-a, and he has actually been surprised at how conservative-looking our family actually is (with me at home, and homeschooling), even though our reasons for it are SO vastly different than his. The email forwards he and his wife send are very in-your-face, despite knowing that religion and politics differ vastly, so it's weird to think of him being p-a...but it might be!

Maybe I should start addressing things to him and his wife's maiden name...no, I only know her first (late) husband's last name, drat. Na, despite not having the same reasons for it, when it comes to stepdad, I actually DO do unto him as I wish he would do unto me, even if he can't seem to do it back!

 

[jlder72]

I am seriously considering keeping my maiden name when I get married. Have not yet had this discussion with my fiance.

Has anyone done this, what was you experience?

Wanted to edit but couldn't

Our situation is a little different. We were together 12 years ago in the military, seperated, and I had a child She has always gone by my name never his and I am wondering if keeping our names the same would be the better route to go as we are known by our name and his name if French, he is a foriegner coming to us in the US.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... Most men (not all; I'm not lumpng you all into an amorphous mass) do not know what that is like, yet somehow seem to have an inborn aversion to ever doing it. Why, do you suppose?

A good question. I have no idea. Social/cultural engineering?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...What about changing names over to her maiden, then? 10 years your last name, 10 years hers...etc?

At this point, if it was important to her that I change my name to Mickey Mouse, I would do it. As I said before, it was never really about the name for me.

 

[walden]

I do understand how someone could read that and have that question. We are equals in our partnership - two equal parts of the one whole. I needed someone who would "complete me" (to borrow a phrase that is perfectly suited to my real need). That person needed to be a better human being than I was/am. But she also needed to be willing to do something for me that very few people do for the other any more - give up herself completely for me. Why? Because that is what I wanted to do in turn, and I couldn't do it for someone who wasn't willing to do it for me.

I grew up wanting one thing - a wife that loved me as much as I loved her. I never cared about anything else (until my boys were born). I still don't care about anything else.

So I spent years looking for a woman with older values - values that aligned with the culture that I spring from. Not so much because those values were important to me in and of themselves, as because the person that I sought needed to have those values for me to trust them enough to give myself to them completely. So I needed the one to trust, if that makes any sense.

I never imagined that I would meet a girl like that on Long Island. My wife is my everything.

OK, I'm laughing my socks off at the turn this thread has taken. I hope the OP makes an informed opinion. Either way! She will make her own decision, but if husband-to-be thinks that keeping a *maiden name* is a deal-breaker -- why then I'd suggest that he has a fragile ego. Buyer beware!!!

The bolded in the quote above has my DH wondering. He says that he wonders what DisneyBamasfan problem is with the quite irrelevant name thing in a marriage of two minds.

Yep, my DH and I have an equal partnership. 30+ years of equal partnership. He never had, and still has, no problem with my keeping my original name. He wonders why that poster really thinks it was a *make it or break it* issue. He is laughing his socks off too.

It is silly to make an issue of this. It is fairly important to decide how to name the kids. But, as others have said , the last name of the kids is very negotiable. And there are so many blended families these days, most schools are cool.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...The bolded in the quote above has my DH wondering. He says that he wonders what DisneyBamasfan problem is with the quite irrelevant name thing in a marriage of two minds...

LOL - yeah - I must have a problem because I am different than you and your husband.

 

[LaurenLC]

I kept my maiden name for a long time for a few reasons mostly because I was too lazy to do it, but also because I really liked MY last name and already had a successful career with it. I decided to change it when we decided we wanted to start a family. My husband was supportive with whatever I wanted to do, and even suggested hyphenating, but since each of our last names had 8 letters each I thought that would be cruel to our child.

I will tell you that I cried at the social security office when the change became ‘official’ and I had to give them my old card!

 

[DisneyScraps]

When I got married it was very important to me to keep my name. I am the last of my line in family. My fiancee was really against it so what I did was I kept my maiden name as a second name. It was not hyphenated. It flowed really nicely like Betty Sue Smith. Now when you do that no one makes is Sue Smith as a last name....Right? It turned out to be a nightmare I moved to a small southern town and they just didn't get it. So half of the time I would give my last name and it would come up as a blank....then I would give my second name and voila, there is was like it was hyphenated. It ended up being more trouble than it was worth.

Lisa

 

[Pigeon]

In my opinion, when a woman takes her husband's name, she is making a statement to the world that she has entered into a partnership that takes precedence over her childhood relationship with her parents. This message becomes even more important when the couple has children because the like names helps define the family.

So then if a man wants to make a statement that he is entering into a relationship that takes precedence over his childhood relationship with his parents, he should give up his own name to take his wife's name, right?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So then if a man wants to make a statement that he is entering into a relationship that takes precedence over his childhood relationship with his parents, he should give up his own name to take his wife's name, right?

When you think about it like that, the whole thing sounds absurd, doesn't it?

 

[piperett]

I took my DH's last name and never considered not doing so. I don't even personally know anyone who hasn't taken their DHs last name. Maybe it is regional (I live on the Gulf Coast). To each their own, though.

 

[LaurenLC]

I took my DH's last name and never considered not doing so. I don't even personally know anyone who hasn't taken their DHs last name. Maybe it is regional (I live on the Gulf Coast). To each their own, though.

I grew up on the Gulf Coast and know of MANY women who chose to keep their maiden name... I think it's a personal choice, not really a regional thing.

 

[RedPanda]

I kept my last name at first just because it would've been overly complicated to change it at the time we got married -- I'll just say it's a long story and leave it at that! -- and then later, when the time was right to change it if I wanted, because I realized I was quite attached to the name.

For one thing, it's an "authentic," ethnically accurate (Spanish) name, whereas my husband's is an Anglicized version of his family's original Italian name. (Neither side of his family has an "authentic" name -- his mother's maiden name was an Anglicized version of a Polish one!) Since I display my mother's Irish/Scottish light skin, I like the idea of keeping the Spanish name from my dad's side to hang on to that cultural link.

We decided our children will have his last name, which I'm perfectly content with, and I have absolutely no problem with being called "Mrs. Hisname" from time to time. If necessary, I explain about my name; if not, I really don't mind going by his name socially.

I will say, though, that our different names led to some annoyance with Disney. After booking our last vacation online and getting something in the mail addressed to "The MyLastName Family," I called to make a change and also asked them to please note that we'd prefer to be "The HisLastName Family." I was told they'd add a note about it. We continued to get "MyLastName" things in the mail, though, even though each time I had to call for something (it was a complicated multi-family trip, and I wound up spending a LOT of time listening to Disney hold music ), I'd ask again that they change it. I was especially sad about the custom maps I requested from the website that came with the wrong name on them. Next time, I'll book under my husband's name -- even though, since I always handle all vacation planning for our family, it's much more convenient to use my own!