Keeping maiden name when marrying

[Gigi22]

I kept my maiden name after marriage. It is fairly common here, all the women in Quebec (the province beside ours) are legally obliged to keep their maiden names--so we see a lot of it. A few people hyphenate their maiden name and their husband's last name, and some people take their husband's last name at marriage. Not really an issue any more, IMO.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I took my husband's last name...but then moved my last name and hyphenated it with my middle name .... so its
FirstName/ Middle-Maiden/ Husband's Does that make sense?

My oldest daughter also has my maiden name for her first name.

 

[irisheyes123]

I didn't take my husbands maiden name he took mine

 

[snowywhite89]

Never changed my name. It has never been a problem.

Why do women have to take his name but he would not take her name? He does not own her.

When you divorce what do you do then? Many women change back to their maiden names

 

[Northstar]

I did not change my last name when I got married almost 20 years ago.

I've never had any problems with it, other than the minor annoyance of having my MIL always address my birthday cards to "Mrs. Dh's lastname."
My daughter's school, and even the US and Canadian border guards, completely take it in stride that we have different last names in our family.

I don't get why people think it's such a big issue for people in a family to have different surnames. With divorce rates high and blended families so common, isn't it quite common for children within a family to have different surnames from one of their parents whether a woman changes her surname every time she marries or not? Surely schools and everywhere else is used to this?

If it's important to your future DH that you change your name, make sure that, before you decide, you make a list of every single place you're going to have to notify and every document you're going to have to change... passport, driver's license, educational records (so you can get a transcript in future), any certifications or professional licenses, tax and employment records, banks.... Then get your DH to help you write the letters, make the phone calls, and fill out the forms! It is a lot of work to change your name, unless you marry young before you have created a long history with your present name.

 

[dislal]

I didn't take my husbands maiden name he took mine

My cousin did this, they hyphenated their names, but used hers as the last name.

I took my dh name,but wish now I would have used my maiden name as a middle hyphened name.

 

[SydSim]

Dh added mine onto his profesionally. I added his onto mine legally. DD has both - since both of us made her

I wouldn't have married someone who had issues with it. I used to get perturbed when someone didn't recognize my maiden name (mostly strangers whom I would be giving my name to for identification purposes. They'd say things like "Well, I'll just put Mrs. Smith". Umm, no, I just told you my name is Mrs. Jones-Smith.) I don't get that much anymore, but DH's family is slow to come around (after 16 years of marriage). I have yet to see something addressed to DD with her entire last name.

Times, they are a changing............

 

[kirbydog48]

I've been married twice. The first time I did change my name and always hated it (or maybe him, LOL!!) When we divorced I changed back to my birth name and vowed never to change it again. DH is totally fine with it. It's extremely common in my area to keep one's name. If someone calls me Mrs. DH, it's no biggie.

 

[Pigeon]

I've been married 30 years and didn't change my name. I didn't become somebody else when I got married, and would never change my name. Dh thinks it's a sexist tradition, and he certainly was in favor of me doing whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

It was fairly uncommon back then. The little old ladies who worked in the town hall were outraged, and tried to tell me all sorts of nonsensical stuff, like I wouldn't be able to get social security or file my tax returns jointly.

Like a pp, the only person who had a problem with it was my MIL, and she also used to send me mail addressed to Mrs. Hislastname. Dh and I both asked her to use my name, but to no avail. Finally, I started marking envelopes "Return to sender, addressee unknown" and she stopped the nonsense. She would also introduce me to people as Mrs. Herlastname, but I' would just firmly correct her.

Most of my friends have kept their names. My BIL got married about five years ago, and his new wife thanked me profusely for training my MIL, as she knew that MIL doesn't approve but has learned to keep her mouth shut.

I've had exactly zero real problems. My kids' public schools will sometimes address me Mrs. Hislastname, but other than that, most people aren't so archaic. I just correct them and it doesn't bother me. There are tons of families with a variety of last names, often because of divorce and remarriage. Eventually the schools will figure it out.

 

[fairestoneofall]

i took DH's last name. i did drop my middle name and change it to my maiden name. DS now has my maiden name as his middle name.

my MIL would've had a FIT if i hadn't taken DH's last name. but i didn't do it to please her or anything. i just did it because i wanted to.

now, if i had married the boyfriend BEFORE DH, i would've totally kept my maiden name. i hated his last name and it sounded horrible with my first name.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I did change my last name, but that's something that I always knew that I wanted to do. I think it's special to have my husbands last name. Now, if I had fallen in love with a man with a crazy weird last name, I may have thought twice about it.

A few years ago my MIL said that she was thinking about going back to her maiden name, because it was something that she thought was neat, and the "in thing". I could tell that my FIL was hurt by the thought of it, and to be quite honest I was wondering why she would want to do that after all of those years. I guess she changed her mind because she never did it, and I have never heard her speak of it again.

I can see how it could hurt someones career if they are well known, have written books, or if they are a famous artist or whatever. In those cases I do understand the reasoning behind it more.

Even with that, it's still a personal choice. You should do what makes you happy.

 

[Duchie]

I considered it briefly, but for a very silly reason. My name begins with a B, and my husband's last name begins with an S. So knowing my initials would be BS, I though no one would ever take me seriously again. I did change it, but dropped my given middle name and replaced it with my maiden name. That's what my mom did MANY years ago and I always thought it was a cool way to keep both names.

Oh, and there have only been a few people who didn't take me seriously in the last 16 years

 

[Tweevil]

Kept mine and added his. Then divorced him and kept the last name and hyphen anyways because now it's my son's last name.

If I am ever nuts enough to marry again I will have to think about which one to keep because it's important to me to have that connection with my son's last name.

But, I still can't get the DMV to get it right!

 

[eeyoremum]

I did change my name when married and still regret it to this day.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Do what you feel is right for you. I didn't change mine and I got married nearly 22 years ago. What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for every family.

 

[sbell111]

I never even considered doing that-I mean yeah I ended up with a wacky last name but that is part of getting married sometimes.

I have a friend who didn't change her name and I can tell its a very hot topic between her and her husband. He is very hurt by it.

I can understand how he feels.

My wife added my last name, unhyphenated. So she went from a name like Cathy Smith to one like Cathy Smith Jones. Because of the hassle and drama associated with the combo name, many people call her Mrs. Smith, rather than Mrs. Smith Jones or Mrs. Jones. It does hurt my feelings when my last name gets dropped and honestly, it angers me when people end up calling me Mr. Smith.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Like a pp, the only person who had a problem with it was my MIL, and she also used to send me mail addressed to Mrs. Hislastname. Dh and I both asked her to use my name, but to no avail. Finally, I started marking envelopes "Return to sender, addressee unknown" and she stopped the nonsense.

Ooooo...that's awesome! I would've loved to keep my maiden name if only for that opportunity. MIL used to send me birthday cards addressed to "Mrs John Smith". Annoyed the heck out of me. Geez, at least give me my FIRST name! (I know that's the way it used to be done, in the dark ages.) I handed a card to DH and said "This must be for you...my name isn't John." At some point she stopped doing it. (I hope he told her.) She also gave me a magazine subscription to "Mrs John Smith". I changed it to "Ms MaryAnn Smith." She got the gift renewal.

I did keep my maiden name as my middle name (never had a middle name in the first place), but that's really meaningless, IMHO. Wish I had kept it as my last name.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

OP, one more thought....if you think it's a big deal to your DH-to be, then have a discussion with him and explain why you want to keep your name. I will say that I never had that discussion as he knew changing my name wasn't an option for many reasons.

Finally, I think it is common for some women to keep their names regardless of culture. Heck, look at Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords who is married to Commander Mark Kelly. I think it's just all about what you and your DH-to be are comfortable with.

In my case, my MIL hated the fact that I continued to use my maiden name. It didn't bother me because she hated many other things about me and I can't say I ever felt warm and fuzzy about her either. But, we are, nearly 22 successful years of marriage later and my DH and I are happy, regardless of what name is used. In fact, when we go out for dinner it's usually (my last name), party of 3 (mine is just a lot easier to pronounce than his). Also, we can tell when we get mail from people who don't know us as it will either be Mr. and Mrs. HisName...or Mr. and Mrs. MyName. We generally know that we don't have to open those envelopes immediately !

Back when my mom and my (now deceased) MIL were young and newly married they didn't have their own credit cards either! Does that mean we shouldn't today....no way!!!!

So, back to my original comment, do whatever works for you and your family. Whether you have kids or not, it really isn't that confusing. Heck, one family that my DS used to go to school with had 3 last names in the family (mom got married changed her name, had a kid with husband #1 who died; many years later got remarried and had children with husband #2 but chose to keep her maiden name as she was now known as Judge Maiden Name.) Yep, by "old-fashioned standards" I'm sure her Christmas cards are complicated....(but when they send them out, it's just Merry Christmas from Grace, Bill, Matt, Cara and Christine).

 

[palmtreegirl]

Nope and I regretted it at first, but now I'm very happy I took his name, it's my name now.

 

[allison443]

I got married over 26 years ago, in the 80s. I kept my maiden name professionally, meaning I used it at work, for my state professional registrations, etc. However I was always Mrs. DH socially, my driver's license, bank accounts, etc. and once we had kids they all have my husband's name, the school knows me as Mrs. DH, etc.
I just had to make sure my office knew that if the school called asking for Mrs. DH it was me.

I agree with a prior poster...back at that time it was was very common in my area/profession for women to keep their names, whether just professionally like I did, or totally. I don't know if that's the case anymore.

I doubt it's confusing for kids...look at all the people who live together without being married, all the blended families, etc. It's pretty simple to understand that someone didn't change their name.