Just need to vent...

[megster1123]

Ok, I've been gone all day so I missed the action, but I've just read everything.

@megster1123, obviously you have a right to your opinion. You asked earlier how some don't know about after parties being the norm? This is why -- many of us are older. Our bridesmaid days are long gone. (One yahoo for being in my 40's!) . We're now in the social circles correlated to our kids activities. Different places in our lives. I really didn't know this was commonplace. It wasn't 16 years ago.

Honestly, and please take that I'm trying to come from a neutral place, I think what stirred up this thread was the bitter comment followed by the sunny day jab. It was reading as a normal discussion thread until that point. Maybe I'm wrong, but that seemed to be the point that people had the WTH was that all about posts, and your little red alert square went off to the races. I'm sure it felt rough, and maybe you didn't mean to come off harsh, but it did read that way. It's hard for you to objectively go back and read -- you fought this battle all day. And I'm not attacking your opinion, but the way you handled it was what I perceive started it. Yep, I could be totally wrong, but as someone on the sidelines now coming in the game I'm telling you what I see.

Bullying -- eh, not really. A rough day on this Dis for you, most definitely! I've had them, most of us with a strong opinion have, but the funny thing is the next big topic the ones that disagreed with you on this will do a 180 and agree with you on the next.

And FWIW, I never had any issues at my wedding with bridesmaids or being a MOH or bridesmaid.

Thank you for the feedback, your words have been the most neutral ones that have crossed my path all day. The sunny day thing - it wasn't meant to be a jab, it was honestly just a sunny day here and an easy going morning at that point and I was just kind of thinking, my god is this really going to be such a bid deal? I appreciate what you've said - thank you for being honest about the situation. If it was in fact a comment that came across wrong, the more productive thing probably would have been for someone to say that pages ago rather than try to continue to poke holes in what I had said or play games of semantics. It was the one comment in particular about me not wanting to be with my husband that set it off for me and everything thereafter just piled on.

I wasn't aware you had set a time limit on the posts people here can refer to in this thread. If that's the case you shouldn't be quoting my post since I made it at 3:50 and you didn't respond until 4:21. My posts have a 30 second lifespan, after that you are not to use them to support your argument and claims of bullying.


I don't care what you think or why you called people bitter. You tossed a stone then complained when some were tossed back. Nobody is bullying you. They're disagreeing with you and moving forward in the tone YOU SET. This thread is VERY tame and the responses were also very tame. It's clear this forum is not for you.

What I was referring to is that you quoted a post of mine that was in reference to one point of the discussion and then quoted a second that was posted several hours later when the discussion had turned. And then treated them like they were in exactly the same context. It just misrepresented my comments. And thanks for the advice that "it's clear this forum is not for you," but I don't think I'll be going anywhere. Aside from a couple dozen posters, most of the people here are really nice, have productive things to say and have welcomed me into the fold. I'm not about to let a handful of strangers run me off.

 

[mom2rtk]

So... I talked to her a little while ago. I'm still confused and now a little angry. I started the conversation off by acknowledging that she was upset with me. She said she knew I had things going on and problems I was dealing with and that she feels like I'm not "in" this. She also said she doesn't want me to feel like I have to do this. I told her I loved her and that I want to be there on her day, and she brought up the hotel room. I told her I didn't understand why I needed to stay over. She started on about drinking and having a good time and such. I told her that I didn't plan on getting drunk. There's no way for me to be a responsible bridesmaid and help her during her wedding if I'm sloshed. She got annoyed and was like I don't need you to help me go to the bathroom. I explained that wasn't what I meant and sometimes things happen at weddings that need someone to be able to think and fix it.

Then she was talking about how there were going to be drunks out on the road and she didn't want me driving an hour home at night. That it was going to be a long day and I'd be tired. It took all I had to bite my tongue. I am 10 years older than she is. I already have a mom and even she knows better than to tell me what to do. Finally, I just said that even if I did have a room reserved, I'd have to cancel it. I couldn't afford it. She asked me why I couldn't afford it? The tone of her voice made me want to hang up. I live alone. She lives with her fiancé. She has help with the bills, I don't.

The conversation basically ended there. She saw some neighbor that she had to talk to and hung up. I texted her to call me back later. She texted back and said, "ok. Just be upfront if you need things. I'm here u know".

I don't even know what to think.

Oh boy. I'm not sure what I would think either. I'm just not buying the selfless concern for your safety angle.

And what kind of question is "why can't you afford it?" What a rude question. At that point she should have either let it go or called you back saying she had booked and paid for a room in your name. Berating you for it seems so odd.

 

[megster1123]

I will gladly tell these other people. Who are they?

Nice try. Clearly they messaged me independently due to the fact that they've been treated poorly in the past - if they wanted to call someone out publicly, I'm sure they would've just posted here. And funny, I never mentioned it was you specifically...

 

[dbrn]

I don't think anything can top refillable mug discussions.....

Except the 'how to butter bread' etiquette posts, and (I hate to even say it, for fear of restarting a controversy) breastfeeding posts!!!

 

[TB'sWidow]

Wow just wow

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I'm just not buying the selfless concern for your safety angle.

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Nice try. Clearly they messaged me independently due to the fact that they've been treated poorly in the past - if they wanted to call someone out publicly, I'm sure they would've just posted here. And funny, I never mentioned it was you specifically...

Oh boy. OK. Best of luck to you. Try not to take things so personally.

 

[diznygirl]

So... I talked to her a little while ago. I'm still confused and now a little angry. I started the conversation off by acknowledging that she was upset with me. She said she knew I had things going on and problems I was dealing with and that she feels like I'm not "in" this. She also said she doesn't want me to feel like I have to do this. I told her I loved her and that I want to be there on her day, and she brought up the hotel room. I told her I didn't understand why I needed to stay over. She started on about drinking and having a good time and such. I told her that I didn't plan on getting drunk. There's no way for me to be a responsible bridesmaid and help her during her wedding if I'm sloshed. She got annoyed and was like I don't need you to help me go to the bathroom. I explained that wasn't what I meant and sometimes things happen at weddings that need someone to be able to think and fix it.

Then she was talking about how there were going to be drunks out on the road and she didn't want me driving an hour home at night. That it was going to be a long day and I'd be tired. It took all I had to bite my tongue. I am 10 years older than she is. I already have a mom and even she knows better than to tell me what to do. Finally, I just said that even if I did have a room reserved, I'd have to cancel it. I couldn't afford it. She asked me why I couldn't afford it? The tone of her voice made me want to hang up. I live alone. She lives with her fiancé. She has help with the bills, I don't.

The conversation basically ended there. She saw some neighbor that she had to talk to and hung up. I texted her to call me back later. She texted back and said, "ok. Just be upfront if you need things. I'm here u know".

I don't even know what to think.

Well, you tried. It could be that she has some surprise planned, or it could be that she's one of those who just don't understand why you don't want to spend every waking moment celebrating with her.... either way it's time to change your strategy. I would text her that you can tell how important this is to her and that you will look for a hotel room. You don't have to - just tell her this. It should get her off your back. If there is no reasoning with her, lying is the next best thing. I'm betting that once the wedding happens she will never know when you actually leave.

Good luck with all this. We all know this kind of bride.

 

[cabanafrau]

So... I talked to her a little while ago. I'm still confused and now a little angry. I started the conversation off by acknowledging that she was upset with me. She said she knew I had things going on and problems I was dealing with and that she feels like I'm not "in" this. She also said she doesn't want me to feel like I have to do this. I told her I loved her and that I want to be there on her day, and she brought up the hotel room. I told her I didn't understand why I needed to stay over. She started on about drinking and having a good time and such. I told her that I didn't plan on getting drunk. There's no way for me to be a responsible bridesmaid and help her during her wedding if I'm sloshed. She got annoyed and was like I don't need you to help me go to the bathroom. I explained that wasn't what I meant and sometimes things happen at weddings that need someone to be able to think and fix it.

Then she was talking about how there were going to be drunks out on the road and she didn't want me driving an hour home at night. That it was going to be a long day and I'd be tired. It took all I had to bite my tongue. I am 10 years older than she is. I already have a mom and even she knows better than to tell me what to do. Finally, I just said that even if I did have a room reserved, I'd have to cancel it. I couldn't afford it. She asked me why I couldn't afford it? The tone of her voice made me want to hang up. I live alone. She lives with her fiancé. She has help with the bills, I don't.

The conversation basically ended there. She saw some neighbor that she had to talk to and hung up. I texted her to call me back later. She texted back and said, "ok. Just be upfront if you need things. I'm here u know".

I don't even know what to think.

IMO, she wants what she wants because she wants it and her entitlement is causing her to come up with a multitude of justifications. That's a shame. Maybe she's gotten carried away with the idea she's the bride. It happens. Luckily most settle down and come to their senses. I hope it's the case for you in this situation and the day will go off nicely and your friendship can continue on a solid basis.

 

[okeydokey]

Wow, she questioned your finances. It's your money and you can spend it however you choose.

Honestly, what difference will it make to her once she goes to her room if you go to a room nearby or an hour away. There is obviously no real need for you to stay.

I think she feels that her wedding isn't your number one life priority right now (and it shouldn't be, it's her wedding, not yours). Maybe you can make an effort to be more involved in the group texting, plan making next time that happens. Be a bit more visible, you know? Otherwise, just attend the wedding, do your job and enjoy yourself.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

So... I talked to her a little while ago. I'm still confused and now a little angry. I started the conversation off by acknowledging that she was upset with me. She said she knew I had things going on and problems I was dealing with and that she feels like I'm not "in" this. She also said she doesn't want me to feel like I have to do this. I told her I loved her and that I want to be there on her day, and she brought up the hotel room. I told her I didn't understand why I needed to stay over. She started on about drinking and having a good time and such. I told her that I didn't plan on getting drunk. There's no way for me to be a responsible bridesmaid and help her during her wedding if I'm sloshed. She got annoyed and was like I don't need you to help me go to the bathroom. I explained that wasn't what I meant and sometimes things happen at weddings that need someone to be able to think and fix it.

Then she was talking about how there were going to be drunks out on the road and she didn't want me driving an hour home at night. That it was going to be a long day and I'd be tired. It took all I had to bite my tongue. I am 10 years older than she is. I already have a mom and even she knows better than to tell me what to do. Finally, I just said that even if I did have a room reserved, I'd have to cancel it. I couldn't afford it. She asked me why I couldn't afford it? The tone of her voice made me want to hang up. I live alone. She lives with her fiancé. She has help with the bills, I don't.

The conversation basically ended there. She saw some neighbor that she had to talk to and hung up. I texted her to call me back later. She texted back and said, "ok. Just be upfront if you need things. I'm here u know".

I don't even know what to think.

Sorry the conversation went in this direction. I guess I would be like a duck and let this roll off my back. You did the right thing by biting your tongue and not saying anything.

As far as her asking about your finances, well that just crossed the line, and she should know better. You don't owe her any explanation whatsoever regarding not booking a hotel room.

I would focus on what's next in terms of getting together with her. Focus on having fun and putting this behind you. If she can't put it behind her, then she's the one with the issues.

Best of luck.

 

[fly girl]

Sorry the conversation went in this direction. I guess I would be like a duck and let this roll off my back. You did the right thing by biting your tongue and not saying anything.

As far as her asking about your finances, well that just crossed the line, and she should know better. You don't owe her any explanation whatsoever regarding not booking a hotel room.

I would focus on what's next in terms of getting together with her. Focus on having fun and putting this behind you. If she can't put it behind her, then she's the one with the issues.

Best of luck.

Perfectly stated!!!



OP, taking the high road pays off, but we all know it's not easy. Hang in there.

 

[MickeySP]

Sure. Keep telling yourself that.



Well thank you for trying to help me realize I should change my way of thinking to something you and the rest of the mob here feel is a more appropriate conclusion.

After reading the comments here and seeing how many band-wagoners came out of the woodwork with their pitchforks ... I'm extremely happy that I have a different mindset than the people that just spent 5 hours acting like internet bullies

I knew that word would come into play!!!! If you have a heated discussion & just because you are not in the majorities opinion - it is not bullying!!!!

Take a read through the thread, and tell me how the attacks on me are in any way conducive to a valid discussion of the original topic.

It would all stop if you didn't need to get the last word in. When I know I am not changing anyone's opinion, I walk away.

Hey, FYI it's not really nice to say crappy things to people who feel bullied. Maybe try
not making unnecessary comments that are obviously only intended to fuel the fire. That's called maturity.

Pot meet kettle!!

BTW what if there is no party, this has all been for naught!!!!!!!!!!! Not sure who decided there was one.

 

[Wendy31]

@megster1123 - On a messageboard, when several people disagree w/ you, I'm sure it's easy to feel like everyone is ganging up you. And sometimes that does happen. Some people can be more blunt than others, & some people tend to be a little more sarcastic than others. However, in any discussion, there are going to be several different views expressed, &, just because a lot of people may not agree w/ your particular view, it doesn't mean that you are being bullied or attacked. I'm sorry you felt that way. One thing we all need to remember is that everyone comes to these discussions w/ their own history & experiences which color our opinions. Just because something happened one way for you, doesn't mean it happens that way for everyone in every scenario.

At any rate, I think it's natural & par for the course for brides (& grooms) to be a little self-centered & egocentric. They are excited & enthusiastic, & they want everyone to be as excited & enthusiastic for them. It's "their day," & they get a certain picture in their heads of how they want their days to go. This particular bride wants her wedding party to spend the night in the hotel, &, at this point, in the planning, she's a little too self-centered to see why that might not work for everyone or even understand/see why she shouldn't really care where everyone sleeps after the wedding. Right now, in her mind, her wedding party needs to stay together.

OP - If I were you, I'd just text her back (or the next time you talk) & say, "Bride, it's so sweet of you to be concerned about me, but I'll be fine. Really! This day is your day anyway, so I'm just interested in making it as perfect for you as I can! If it makes you feel better, I'll look for a hotel, but please don't worry any more about it! Now, show me your shoes again!"

And then either find a hotel or don't, but just kinda let the hotel room issue drop.

 

[megster1123]

I knew that word would come into play!!!! If you have a heated discussion & just because you are not in the majorities opinion - it is not bullying!!!!

IMO it turns to bullying when one specific poster totally crossed the line and made the "are you even into your husband" comment. That is no longer a heated discussion. The comment had no bearing on the OP or the discussion following it. It was being a bully. I can hold my own when it comes to defending my opinion on things, but I don't believe my blanket statements of "bitterness" in the room warranted the personal attack that I received. So, yes, I feel when a group of people goes about throwing around personal insults and insinuation against one person - that is being bullied.

 

[Shanti]

I am in my friend's wedding in a couple of months. Today she called me at work to ask me about hotel rooms. I do not have one reserved. I forgot to reserve before they were all gone. Frankly, I cannot afford it along with everything else, anyway. I'm not quite sure why she's stressing out over me staying after the wedding. There's nothing planned for the next day, that I'm aware of. We talked about meeting up this weekend when she's in a nearby town. We say goodbye, and I think nothing of it.

I get a text about 2 hours later reminding me that it's over an hour from my house (i know) and that she wishes I would have told her and she would have helped me and that she sent the rate code as soon as she got it. Then she says she's worried. Now I'm confused. Why is she worried? I'm a grown woman and if I choose to drive home after her wedding, then I should be allowed to. I replied back that it's ok, and that it's my fault. I was busy and forgot. I have friends up there and could probably crash with them if I needed to.

Then I get a text saying she's upset and she feels like I just don't care tbh and that she's sad. I replied that forgetting to book a hotel room did not mean that I don't care about her. Then she comes back at me about the bridesmaid's dress and that I just don't seem interested. That she gets that I'm going through a lot and she feels like I don't want to be part of it.

I don't even know what to say to her. On one hand, some of the things going on are ridiculous and driving me nuts. Group text messages (some are hundreds of messages) showing each other their shoes or whatnot. I bought shoes. I didn't feel the need to text everyone about them. The fact that I paid $500 for a weekend bridal shower / bachelorette party and had to sleep on the floor when her sister got pissy about sharing a bed. On the other, she is my friend and I love her. I put up with those things for her. Yes, the dress wasn't my favorite and I couldn't buy it the day we went shopping, but it is her wedding and I purchased what was chosen. And no, I didn't tell her that I hated the dress. I like it. It just wasn't my favorite of the ones we tried.

Right now I haven't answered her because I'm so annoyed. I really want to ask her if she wants me to step down. I'm not sure what she expects from me. I've never been the hyper, cheerleader type. So I'm hoping that's not what she wants. I'm doing what I'm asked to and what a bridesmaid is supposed to do and I will be there for her whatever she needs, but I do have other things going on in my life. When did agreeing to be in a wedding mean that you agreed to it taking over your life?

Thanks for listening... Sorry it was so long.

This is what happens when newlyweds no longer have anything original to do on their wedding night...Remind her of your affection for her, and tell her that if she doesn't really want you in her wedding, you understand, and if she does really want you in the wedding, she needs to understand that you will be a proper bridesmaid at the wedding, and that is all.

 

[cabanafrau]

I

BTW what if there is no party, this has all been for naught!!!!!!!!!!! Not sure who decided there was one.

I've come to the conclusion that for some people the after party is a subject where in the kingdom of weddings the appropriate response is, "it is known", much the way some of the characters in various kingdoms on Game of Thrones respond to various topics.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

IMO it turns to bullying when one specific poster totally crossed the line and made the "are you even into your husband" comment. That is no longer a heated discussion. The comment had no bearing on the OP or the discussion following it. It was being a bully. I can hold my own when it comes to defending my opinion on things, but I don't believe my blanket statements of "bitterness" in the room warranted the personal attack that I received. So, yes, I feel when a group of people goes about throwing around personal insults and insinuation against one person - that is being bullied.

That was me!

Yes. If you are sitting around after just getting married and you are hurt that someone did not come to your after-wedding-party...I will ask: Are you into really into your husband?

You have the love of your life beside you and your feelings are hurt because a bridesmaid went home to their own bed to sleep? I find that to be bratty and pouty behavior.

Hardly bullying.

 

[MickeySP]

IMO it turns to bullying when one specific poster totally crossed the line and made the "are you even into your husband" comment. That is no longer a heated discussion. The comment had no bearing on the OP or the discussion following it. It was being a bully. I can hold my own when it comes to defending my opinion on things, but I don't believe my blanket statements of "bitterness" in the room warranted the personal attack that I received. So, yes, I feel when a group of people goes about throwing around personal insults and insinuation against one person - that is being bullied.

no that is not being bullied, it is being insulted and condescended to but bullying is a systematic terrorizing of an individual or group.

So hurt feelings all around.

Yup I think it will be the Red Wedding all over again!!!

 

[piccolopat]

No one sees the irony that people are acting just as bratty as they're accusing the bride of being?
In my life friends and family enjoy celebrating things together. There's plenty of nights to "go sleep in your own bed" ... it's a wedding, it's one night, make a compromise.

There is absolutely nothing wrong if someone want to go home after a long day of wedding ceremony and reception, especially if there was no planned after party. What is normal in your circle of friends is different than what others do. IMHO you are being unfairly judgmental.