Just need to vent...

[NYDisGuy]

After the cake is cut and the last song is played, say thank you to your parents and slip away to begin your lives together. Thank God if that is your faith. Fall asleep exhausted in each others arms and dream of the future that you have started to build. Enjoy your honeymoon and get to know each other in new ways.

It may be a generational thing but your idea of a perfect wedding may not be someone elses. I'm judging by the parents comment that you assumed they paid? I paid for my own wedding and most of my friends did as well, that father of the bride thing is getting rarer as usually the bigger focus is on education nowadays. Also, alot of couples live with each other and have relations before they get married. I'm not sure if it's a religious thing but not everyone shares that belief of exploring each other after they say I do, it usually happened way before that. Again, just my viewpoint and judging by the comments it seems alot of people have an old school mentality on how things should be. I don't agree with Bridezillas though, thats another level of crazy.

 

[piccolopat]

It may be a generational thing but your idea of a perfect wedding may not be someone elses. I'm judging by the parents comment that you assumed they paid? I paid for my own wedding and most of my friends did as well, that father of the bride thing is getting rarer as usually the bigger focus is on education nowadays. Also, alot of couples live with each other and have relations before they get married. I'm not sure if it's a religious thing but not everyone shares that belief of exploring each other after they say I do, it usually happened way before that. Again, just my viewpoint and judging by the comments it seems alot of people have an old school mentality on how things should be. I don't agree with Bridezillas though, thats another level of crazy.

I can see why you thought thanking our parents was for paying but it wasn't. We were married young and they helped (a lot). We thanked them for everything they did for us in our lives as they were a big influence in the people we grew up to be. We'll be married 39 years next month but I don't think it is entirely a generational thing. Our DD got married almost 5 years ago and her bridal party had no money. They were out of school, trying to make ends meet with the jobs they could find and paying student loans. There were no expensive destination parties but they had a great time together locally. They bought simple black dresses in Target for $20 and we dressed them up with lime green Pashmina-like shawls that they girls decided to use as sashes. DD made them matching necklaces and earrings. They did their own hair and makeup. We did an afternoon wedding so people could travel home if they wanted to. Our only real stress that day was that we were doing the music for the Mass and we wanted everything done right. DH, DD and I are in our church's contemporary music group with 20 members (I direct and play flute, DH is lead vocal and guitar, DD sings). DH walked her down the aisle while I played with the rest of the group and then he played the rest of the Mass with us. DD sang her alto parts sitting next to her groom at the altar. Everyone had fun and we felt blessed.

 

[Allons-y!]

There does seem to be a (small) contingent on this thread who are putting down couples who choose to continue their celebration with an after-party, regardless of whether they insist on participation from the bridal party or not. If they want to party until dawn, who cares? I've been to weddings where there was one, and ones where there wasn't. All were fun, and all of the couples are still together 20+ years later, so I'm pretty sure that whether they head right to bed or not has little to do with their commitment to one another.

That being said, I truly don't believe that an after-party should be a command performance. By that time, some people are just done. They might need a break, need to sleep, or just need to be away from the commotion. That doesn't reflect on how much they care about the bride or groom. The bridal party's obligation is for the ceremony and the reception. Anything else is icing on the (wedding) cake. Any bride or groom who can't understand this needs to have their priorities straightened out.

 

[okeydokey]

Um, maybe it only meant that a whole new crop of posters were appearing? Nothing against those who are just joining, it's just mildly entertaining that points that were made, discussed, argued and dismissed (or so I thought) and are now being rehashed all over again.

You really are new here if you are surprised by that.

 

[okeydokey]

The

I guess at the end of the day, my husband must have a very unique set of friends and family. 14 people were in our wedding party and they all came to the after party. Everyone got along. No one complained, good times had by all. Friends that got married, even those years later, kept the idea of the after party alive. Everyone still got along. Good times had by all again. Our group enjoys spending time together. Even those with kids, even those out of town. So call me whatever name you feel fit, I consider myself lucky to have friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye.

The difference is that you actually had an after party. This bride is not having one but expects the OP to buy an unneeded hotel room anyway. We are perplexed as to why that is. Hence this thread.

 

[BusyP76]

I think I'm going to suggest to all brides I run into from now on that I heard that the new thing is to have your bridal party spend the wedding night and the day after the wedding putting together scrapbooks to commemorate the entire wedding planning process, from beginning to bitter end -- making certain of course that there are photos of the scrapbooking process included in the books.

Surely somebody will do it, somebody will "have the time of their lives doing it", and somebody will document it on social media and, voila, I will have created a new wedding tradition expectation out of whole cloth.

Cabanafrau is now applying for the bridal party protection program, because no doubt some upset bridesmaids are going to want to kick my heiney for adding to their "chance to celebrate the happy couple".

Would it help if I BEGGED you not to do this?? Not one single "pre" or "post" celebration more is needed than already exists!!

 

[jevs]

Thankfully, most of my friends are married or have no interest in getting married.
I don't think I could cope with all of this carry on.

To the OP, perfectly understandable not staying a night in the hotel or not attending an after party.

 

[Adelle Dazeem]

I guess at the end of the day, my husband must have a very unique set of friends and family. 14 people were in our wedding party and they all came to the after party. Everyone got along. No one complained, good times had by all. Friends that got married, even those years later, kept the idea of the after party alive. Everyone still got along. Good times had by all again. Our group enjoys spending time together. Even those with kids, even those out of town. So call me whatever name you feel fit, I consider myself lucky to have friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye.

I'm sure everyone on this board is more thrilled than words can express for your good fortune in having these 14 fabulous friends.

 

[gotomu212]

I have avoided this thread all day, but I did want to throw out something on after party's (even though that may not apply to the OP situation). Having an after party doesn't automatically mean you don't care about your spouse, don't understand the meaning of the day, are some social media addict, or want to make a day all about you). When I got married we had a large wedding party made up of friends from high school, college, and family. All of them with one exception were from out of town. The day of the wedding was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity to have all of those people together in one room. Before the wedding we were all apart (girls at 1 place, guys at another), during the ceremony we obviously weren't able to talk, and at the reception we got some time together but between cutting the cake, greeting all the guests, first dances, talking with grandma we really didn't have much time with our friends. The after party was our chance to really see and catch up and share this day with those most important to us. Yes, my husband and I were joined at the hip the whole time, yes we probably had googly eyes the whole time, but choosing to have a special time with our friends didn't men we weren't cherishing each other.

I didn't issue an edict for the wedding party to be there (and honestly because everyone was out of town we had an extremely relaxed wedding without showers, parties, or shopping trips so we hadn't strung things out) and I assume that some folks were probably ready to go before they did- but it was one of the best memories of the day to be surrounded by friends teasing us about being old and married and joking around.

Just to put that out there because I get that everyone has differences of opinion and different traditions and celebrations, but I thought some of the comments about after parties were a little judgmental and maybe people had false assumptions about some reasons to have them.

 

[megster1123]

I'm sure everyone on this board is more thrilled than words can express for your good fortune in having these 14 fabulous friends.

Thanks for the totally relevant and necessary comment that totally focused on the topic of the thread. Great job furthering the discussion!

 

[Allons-y!]

Thanks for the totally relevant and necessary comment that totally focused on the topic of the thread. Great job furthering the discussion!

Um, wow. So what about all of your posts where you called people "bullies" just because they disagreed with you? How exactly were those "furthering the discussion?"

 

[megster1123]

Um, wow. So what about all of your posts where you called people "bullies" just because they disagreed with you? How exactly were those "furthering the discussion?"

I never called people bullies because they disagreed with me. Please read again and then maybe rethink your comment. I called them bullies because they were personally attacking me. Everyone has their own opinion and I really don't care if someone's opinion differs from mine. I care if you cross the line from discussion of the topic to criticizing me instead. Maybe I should have just taken the high road and ignored the people who came in here, quoted something I said and then replied with their own holier than thou comment to stir the pot. I actually tried to further the discussion. I gave my opinion, personal examples, reasons why it worked for my family...all the while still having to explain myself and defend my words. People appear much more concerned with what I have said than OP. Guess I have a god complex now too, right?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I guess my main question is that - even after all that goes into being a bridesmaid - wouldn't you still want to join the party? Because honestly, as a bride, if I had to make attending a party an obligation I would probably reconsider my choice of who I asked to be a bridesmaid. A bride shouldn't have to "make" her friends come to a party. Her friends should want to come.

What party?

I'm just one person, defending my words and getting piled on. When people chose to turn the discussion towards my comments and my experiences, I respond as I see fit. It's not bitterness, it's called standing up for yourself.

In all seriousness, you might want to try reading all your posts impartially, as if they'd been written by someone else.

Go ahead, keep coming up with hypothetical what-ifs to try and make yourself feel better about bashing my choices and experiences.

Somewhat disingenuous from someone coming up with a hypothetical after party or next day event. There.is.no.party.

We've dubbed it

We? We who?

Well, it looks like the night crew has made an appearance to rehash the "discussion" from today. This should be really fun.

Yup. Not everyone can access the DIS during working hours.

 

[superme80]

Thank you everyone for the entertainment. OP sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[disneymom3]

I never called people bullies because they disagreed with me. Please read again and then maybe rethink your comment. I called them bullies because they were personally attacking me. Everyone has their own opinion and I really don't care if someone's opinion differs from mine. I care if you cross the line from discussion of the topic to criticizing me instead. Maybe I should have just taken the high road and ignored the people who came in here, quoted something I said and then replied with their own holier than thou comment to stir the pot. I actually tried to further the discussion. I gave my opinion, personal examples, reasons why it worked for my family...all the while still having to explain myself and defend my words. People appear much more concerned with what I have said than OP. Guess I have a god complex now too, right?

Except you kept arguing your point. That's why people got sick of you, quite honestly. As for bullying...please. When my daughter was 17 her dear friend committed suicide because she was a victim of Internet bullying. No matter what she did or did not do online, a group of boys found everything she ever posted, called her names, told lies about her and harassed her. She could not post on anyone's FB page that these boys also knew withou them posting photoshopped pictures of her head on a nude obese body in very crude poses. That, is Internet bullying.

 

[Skywalker]

I guess at the end of the day, my husband must have a very unique set of friends and family. 14 people were in our wedding party and they all came to the after party. Everyone got along. No one complained, good times had by all. Friends that got married, even those years later, kept the idea of the after party alive. Everyone still got along. Good times had by all again. Our group enjoys spending time together. Even those with kids, even those out of town. So call me whatever name you feel fit, I consider myself lucky to have friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye.

Curious, does bending backwards for each other include things like not getting mad when someone in the group doesn't fall into lock step with the others for some reason? Because the type of friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye, are rarely the same type of friends that get all mad when someone else needs to head home for whatever reason. Your very unique friends and family are probably just afraid of your emotional blackmail lol.

 

[megster1123]

Curious, does bending backwards for each other include things like not getting mad when someone in the group doesn't fall into lock step with the others for some reason? Because the type of friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye, are rarely the same type of friends that get all mad when someone else needs to head home for whatever reason. Your very unique friends and family are probably just afraid of your emotional blackmail lol.

You're totally right, random Internet person who knows nothing of me or anyone I know. I have a whole community of grown adult friends and family totally held hostage by my "emotional blackmail." Thank you for your thoughtful insight.

 

[megster1123]

Except you kept arguing your point. That's why people got sick of you, quite honestly. As for bullying...please. When my daughter was 17 her dear friend committed suicide because she was a victim of Internet bullying. No matter what she did or did not do online, a group of boys found everything she ever posted, called her names, told lies about her and harassed her. She could not post on anyone's FB page that these boys also knew withou them posting photoshopped pictures of her head on a nude obese body in very crude poses. That, is Internet bullying.

The world of bullying is not black and white. What is bullying to one person is not bullying to another. As someone who claims have personal experience with this one would think you would be a little more knowledgeable. You people know nothing about me. You know nothing about any situation I may have in my life. I was chastised early on in this thread for daring to comment it was a sunny day outside - how dare I say such a thing when other people may not have the same circumstance! But then turn around and it's perfectly acceptable to tell me that I'm not allowed to feel a certain way. It's hypocritical, immature and a downright crappy way to behave.

 

[Aliceacc]

Anyway....

OP, your friend, the bride, is a spoiled child. She wants what she wants, and is determined that because she has chosen to get married, the entire world should accommodate her every desire.

I greatly admire your restraint.

I've got to wonder whether the marriage is getting nearly as much thought as the wedding.

And Disneymom3, your post made my heart hurt. My sincere sympathies to everyone involved. I hope your daughter is finding a way to deal with the loss.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

When my daughter was 17 her dear friend committed suicide because she was a victim of Internet bullying. No matter what she did or did not do online, a group of boys found everything she ever posted, called her names, told lies about her and harassed her. She could not post on anyone's FB page that these boys also knew withou them posting photoshopped pictures of her head on a nude obese body in very crude poses. That, is Internet bullying.

That is absolutely heartbreaking. That poor girl.