I've gotten so much help with my FIL situation. Thanks!!

[CaliforniaDreamin]

That is not teaching independence as the PP suggested. Great that your family pulled together but you said it yourself, she moved in with her daughter. The OP has stated that the family is busy and older with their own obligations. She is looking for resources.

This person is going out of their way to be cruel. He/She keeps repeating info I never even asked for. Someone looking for drama on a boring Sunday evening.
Thank you for understanding that I was looking for resources, not reasons why my family is failing because we are unable to follow in her grandmothers footsteps.

 

[mamacatnv]

OP we keep posting at the same time
You said it far better than i ever could!

Something I would like to suggest if it has not been done is that someone in your family get some basic legal stuff out of the way or at least begin to know where things stand.

A letter from FIL to the physician allowing designated family members to assist in care or to speak with the Dr. and get information. Same for the pharmacist. the power company, the mortgage company (if applicable) even the bank, etc.

Has FIL completed a power of attorney etc. I am not talking about taking over his life, since he sounds resistant, I am speaking of just having access so that the family members can assist in his day to day care and ask questions where needed.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Really. Like I said, in an ideal world. No one HAS to pay for his needs. Regardless of what you might think, relatives are not obligated to care for other members of their families and often don't. Like I said, its great your family pulled together for your grandmother, but to think that all families can or will do the same is unrealistic.

OP - Sorry, don't want to get this thread off track.

I agree with posters who have mentioned some sort of residential care ie assisted living. He probably is not in need of a nursing home at this point, they are totally different types of facilities.

The hard part is that he has lost so much in the past few weeks including his ability to drive. Expect some confusion, depression, anger and even unreasonable stubbornness. His whole world has turned upside down. Right now you need some immediate help so that you can all sort out the long term plan.

Not sure if it is an option, but if he is able to live on his own and owns his home, a reverse mortgage might be something to look into. They can be expensive but they can also provide him with needed funds to remain in his home.

Again, my condolences, its going to be a rough patch for awhile, but you will all come up with some sort of solution that will work.

Thank you so much. You are absolutely correct in that we don't have the resources financially to take care of my FIL. Otherwise, I wouldn't have even started this thread.
Again, you hit the nail on the head when you said we need immediate resources and that's where the urgency comes from. Almost everyone in my family needs to return to work tomorrow as they have now exhausted their annual bereavement time. We are scrambling to come up with a plan ASAP. I knew I wouldn't be able to contact anyone tonight as far as agencies, but I wanted to be prepared to do all I can tomorrow and I turned to people I knew would help me. Thank you so much for your kindness. It is truely appreciated. The person playing some sort of sick game with me is not making things easier as I read her posts to my family. I didn't want to do that but everyone could see I was visably upset. Someone smarter than me in my family pointed out they are intentionally messing with me and we are all starting to doubt "grandmas" existence.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

OP we keep posting at the same time
You said it far better than i ever could!

Something I would like to suggest if it has not been done is that someone in your family get some basic legal stuff out of the way or at least begin to know where things stand.

A letter from FIL to the physician allowing designated family members to assist in care or to speak with the Dr. and get information. Same for the pharmacist. the power company, the mortgage company (if applicable) even the bank, etc.

Has FIL completed a power of attorney etc. I am not talking about taking over his life, since he sounds resistant, I am speaking of just having access so that the family members can assist in his day to day care and ask questions where needed.

You are a Godsend! Printing this out, too. My family is thanking you right now.

 

[mamacatnv]

Thank you so much. You are absolutely correct in that we don't have the resources financially to take care of my FIL. Otherwise, I wouldn't have even started this thread.
Again, you hit the nail on the head when you said we need immediate resources and that's where the urgency comes from. Almost everyone in my family needs to return to work tomorrow as they have now exhausted their annual bereavement time. We are scrambling to come up with a plan ASAP. I knew I wouldn't be able to contact anyone tonight as far as agencies, but I wanted to be prepared to do all I can tomorrow and I turned to people I knew would help me. Thank you so much for your kindness. It is truely appreciated. The person playing some sort of sick game with me is not making things easier as I read her posts to my family. I didn't want to do that but everyone could see I was visably upset. Someone smarter than me in my family pointed out they are intentionally messing with me and we are all starting to doubt "grandmas" existence.

If I were you my first call would be to Meals on Wheels - that seems to be your first immediate need, the poor man needs to eat daily. Is FIL going to be resistant to help? If he is, this is where a Sr. Advocate will come into play.

In the meantime, while yes, FIL is devistated by the losses, it is possible that he can somewhat manage his day to day activies with a minimal amount of help and that he may surprise you all. Right now he is grieving and in shock, his will to survive will most likely kick in soon. Don't totally underestimate him, afterall he has made it to 82 years of age and was actually driving until a few weeks ago.

You are absolutely right and I will stop engaging the annoying poster.

 

[barkley]

call adult services-they are the best resource for information in the area/state your fil lives. other than an elder law specialist in your fil's state who specialises in medicaid i would not accept advice on anything regarding ownership/sale of his home (there are ways in which he can retain ownership and still qualify for medicaid in the event it becomes a necessity for him to go into long term care, but i've not administered the program in several years and it was not in the state you live in).

my deepest sympathies go out to you, and i truly understand what a devastating effect the loss of a child can have on an elderly parent. one of my siblings died without warning less than 2 months ago and the effect on my elderly mother is like nothing else i've seen.


one immediate resource you might look into is if one of the adult children live in a state where there's family medical leave state disability insurance. in some states, if a parent requires the care of their adult child an employer must allow time off through the family medical leave act, and the state provides up to 6 weeks of at least partial lost wages. i'm sure your fil's doctor would support this as a stop gap until more permanant care/assistance can be provided.

 

[wdwfan16]

My original post:

Why can't the children help out and also teach him to be more independent?

Your reply to my post:

They all want to, and they are now. But it's not practical. We are all already exhausted. Some of them live miles away, some have their own health problems (these "children" are in their late 40's up to late 50's with the exception of my DH). He is 82. He is frail. He cannot take care of himself. There is absolutely no way he can be "trained". He had a triple bypass a few years ago. He cannot see well, and as a result, lost his license. The death of his wife of 62 years is more than likely going to have devastated health effects in itself. If he lives the rest of the year I will be shocked. He lost his first born child and his wife in 4 weeks.This is not a situation where someone can be trained to cook, clean, pay bills, etc. Independence is not an option.
But thanks for your input, it was valuable.

Another posters reply to the same post:

In an ideal world this might be an option but teaching independence to an 80+ year old person who can no longer drive and just lost his spouse of I am assuming many years does not IMO seem like a reasonable expectation.

Experience has taught me that just because there is family does not mean that there is help available.

People are busy, don't want to go out of their way, don't want to take on additional committments, feel they can't offer what the person needs etc. The list is endless.........

My reply to the mam post above:

My grandfather died leaving his wife of 60 years, who did not drive. Her children and grandchildren, who all lived 2.5 + hours away would come into town to take her for groceries, to the Dr., to the bank and helped with selling the house. One year later she moved in with her daughter and live there until she died of cancer. It can be done because we did it.

Reply to post above:

That is not teaching independence as the PP suggested. Great that your family pulled together but you said it yourself, she moved in with her daughter. The OP has stated that the family is busy and older with their own obligations. She is looking for resources.

My reply to mam post:

She did learn to be independent since she lived for a year on her own.

The children were in their 60s and they had children and grandkids just like the OP.

The family is the resource he needs or they have to pay for his needs.

Reply to my post:

Really. Like I said, in an ideal world. No one HAS to pay for his needs. Regardless of what you might think, relatives are not obligated to care for other members of their families and often don't. Like I said, its great your family pulled together for your grandmother, but to think that all families can or will do the same is unrealistic.

OP - Sorry, don't want to get this thread off track.

I agree with posters who have mentioned some sort of residential care ie assisted living. He probably is not in need of a nursing home at this point, they are totally different types of facilities.

The hard part is that he has lost so much in the past few weeks including his ability to drive. Expect some confusion, depression, anger and even unreasonable stubbornness. His whole world has turned upside down. Right now you need some immediate help so that you can all sort out the long term plan.

Not sure if it is an option, but if he is able to live on his own and owns his home, a reverse mortgage might be something to look into. They can be expensive but they can also provide him with needed funds to remain in his home.

Again, my condolences, its going to be a rough patch for awhile, but you will all come up with some sort of solution that will work.

You post:

This person is going out of their way to be cruel. He/She keeps repeating info I never even asked for. Someone looking for drama on a boring Sunday evening.
Thank you for understanding that I was looking for resources, not reasons why my family is failing because we are unable to follow in her grandmothers footsteps.

Really!!! You asked for help and I suggested family. Your family wants others to help.

This is my first reply, since my original post, that was a reply to you. I was replying to another who started this track.

Thank you so much. You are absolutely correct in that we don't have the resources financially to take care of my FIL. Otherwise, I wouldn't have even started this thread.
Again, you hit the nail on the head when you said we need immediate resources and that's where the urgency comes from. Almost everyone in my family needs to return to work tomorrow as they have now exhausted their annual bereavement time. We are scrambling to come up with a plan ASAP. I knew I wouldn't be able to contact anyone tonight as far as agencies, but I wanted to be prepared to do all I can tomorrow and I turned to people I knew would help me. Thank you so much for your kindness. It is truely appreciated. The person playing some sort of sick game with me is not making things easier as I read her posts to my family. I didn't want to do that but everyone could see I was visably upset. Someone smarter than me in my family pointed out they are intentionally messing with me and we are all starting to doubt "grandmas" existence.

There is no sick game being played.

I was replying to a person who said "in an ideal world ..." I do not live in an ideal world but we did our best for a women we all loved. I would have moved her in with me if she could not live with one of her children. All three would have taken her in. She picked my Aunt.

Sorry but the smart person is wrong and Grandma did live like I said. She has passed on, like I said.

It was not easy for anybody, especially my Aunt and Uncle, but they did it.

 

[mamacatnv]

You are a Godsend! Printing this out, too. My family is thanking you right now.

I am now my Mothers legal guardian. I was able to obtain guardianship when her mental illness and dementia resulted in her becomming homeless (for 24 hours) which is how bad things had to get. My mother was resistant to any and all help the 10 years leading up to this event. I became well versed with Sr. services and stubborn elderly people who have lots of legal rights.
I hacked her bank account in order to make sure her rent and utilities were being paid and her Dr. spoke with me illegally out of sympathy. The laws are not on your side, thus the suggestions to get communication in place while FIL still has all his faculties.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, I am sorry for your losses. I agree with previous posters about contacting those agencies. My mil had to deal with her elderly father who did choose to go to assisted living when he could no longer live on his own. The same with her Uncle. Now fil Mom turns 98 tomorrow and still lives alone. She does need people to drive her, since she no longer is allowed to drive legally. They took away the car keys to make sure she wouldn't drive anyway .

My fdil grandmother died a year ago, and her mom has been driving back and from from NJ to NC to help out, he refuses to move up to NJ. He did get involved with a neighbor and is thinking of getting married again. I know that is might be shocking to some, but with older men, it happens quite often. They need to be with someone and not be alone. My mil father remarried within a year of his wife's death. ANd I do have to add that these men cherished and adored there wives.

OP, when you call his doctor, ask the nurses, they may know of some resources and other places to call. Good luck, it is a hard situation.

 

[THUNDERMOUNTAINMOMMA]

I would look into either assisted living or a nursing home for him. He will need to sell the home--if he owns it--and then use that money to pay for his care. Once it is gone, he can apply for medicaid (must be below $2000 in checking/savings combined). He can use part of the proceeds from the sale of his home to buy a prepaid burial plan and plot.

This might be the best option for you. Home care is very, very expensive it is needed over a 24 hour period. It sounds like he really shouldn't be on his own any more.

Making the decision to move fil to an assisted living--which he may not be able to do if he cannot do much of his own care--or nursing home is tough, but it is often the best decision for the elderly person as well as the extended family.

We just did this for my mom. It was tough to do but she is much happier there, gets nutritious meals every day, has activities and I don't have to worry about her not eating, falling, etc. It has saved my sanity and my family as well.

My thoughts exactly. I went through this with my DM. It was difficult discussing this at first. I thought there was NO WAY she would leave her home and move into an ALF. But she realized she needed to go. It was the right decision and she was happy. She is now in a nursing home receiving wonderful care.
Whatever happens, I wish you all the best and I am sorry your in this situation.

 

[minniecarousel]

Around here, a home health aide is around $20 per hour, with a minimum of 4 hr block of time. I used an agency through referrals from two trusted individuals. Unfortunately, this can't be set up in an instant. Someone suggested one of the"kids" taking some Family Medical Leave. I was able to use some of my sick leave to care for my Mom.

This has got to be a very upsetting time for you all. You have my sympathy.

Now is the time to get one of the siblings to be a co-signer on his checking accounts.

Maybe a "reverse" mortgage so that he can use the equity in his home to hire help?

I'm just kind of brainstorming here. My Mom had been living with DH & I for the 9 years before her death, so my situation is different. I hope you can get some help for him.

Good luck.

(Oh, yeah - someone asked if he is a Veteran. There are possibly many resources if he was.)

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Didn't read this, hate you went to all the trouble to quote all the stuff you did (and just because I saw you listed enough quotes of mine to rival War and Peace does not mean I actually took the time to read it). I told you I was done. If someone would be so kind as to direct me how to put this poster on my ignore list (congrats, I've never ignored anyone!), I would really appreciate it. I've looked all over and I guess I'm so mad/upset/offended that it's probably staring me in the face, but I cannot find the ignore button. Leaving now to talk with the woman about the tombstone.

PS: This was meant for that wdw poster who is determined to make my life hell. But she has actually provided some of my family with some much needed comic relief.

Thanks to everyone else, I'll be back later.

 

[dsny1mom]

We are going through similar circumstances with my mother right now. It is difficult at best. My heart goes out to you.

A couple of suggestions:

Council on Aging, just about every area has one and they can direct you to some possible help.

The VA, I know they have a program for widows of vetrans so I would assume they also have one for the actual vetrans.

Churchs, if he is affilated with one call them they maybe able to help.

Meals on Wheels, although I have heard the food is less than appetizing at least he'd get 3 meals a day.

Keep in mind he may be VERY resistant to anyone helping that isn't a family member. My mother REFUSES to let anyone other than her children enter her home to care for her or shop for her or do anything for her. I have found easing into difficult topics like this is helpful and sometimes it take many many conversations on a topic before the elderly will budge. Sometimes they just won't budge so be prepared for that as well.

My mom is blind and can not walk without a walker. She never had a drivers license so when my father passed away 10 years ago my brother and I did her shopping and errands for her. She now suffers from scatica and a number of illnesses however she refuses to see a Dr. Without a Dr no goverment agency will help with at home care. You can't even get hospice paid for without a Dr involved.

Here is something you might consider telling your FIL. Since he doesn't want to sell the house he is putting himself in situation down the road he most likley would regret. If he sells the home and gets into a decent nursing home and pays for it with the proceeds of the house, then when that money runs out he will be able to stay in that decent nursing home and medicare will then pick up tab. If he doesn't do that and Medicare has to pay for his care from the start they can very well place him in a lesser home that he might really dislike. Also it is way too late for him to quit claim the house to his children and qualify for assiatance with a nursing home. They go back 7 years to see if assets were given away and if they were they won't pay a dime until the amount of the assets is paid for to the nursing home before they begin to pay.

A word of caution. I just recently heard about an elderly woman that hired someone through a newspaper ad to help her with driving, shopping, etc. The helper ended up cleaning out her bank account and left the country. If you do end up hiring someone you might want to go through an agency to avoid this type of situation.

Right now we are doing everything we can do to keep my mom in her home. My mother would rather die than go into a nursing home or pay for someone to come in to help her. I hope your FIL is more realistic than my mother has been. Good Luck and God Speed.

dsny1mom

 

[Mimi1965]

Meals on Wheels is a godsend for my elderly relatives
Its only m-f=and costs us $1 a meal_unles I am mistaken -you only get ONE meal a day(??)

Sitters can be obtained for $10 a hour-and your Council on Aging should have a list
Many smaller Pharmacies do home delivery for free for elderly (to get their bizness)

But other than that(Eventually)-you will probably have to put him in some sort of care facility if he cant take care of himself-and his home will have to be sold to pay for it

 

[focusondisney]

Just another quick thought: could FIL stay with a family member for a short time..give him a chance to accept the losses & give the family time to make plans. I know everyone is busy, etc, but a short stay might help him realize he needs to accept help. Also, if he is as heartbroken as it seems, the inevitable decline may happen quickly. Something like moving him to an assisted living facility may not even be necessary. Or it might hasten the decline. Sorry to be blunt, OP, but just want to point out all possibilities.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Meals on Wheels provides one meal a day--the noon meal--Monday through Friday. Meals are hit or miss.

I would contact an eldercare attorney (forgot to mention this) and have him talk with FIL. He can draw up power of attorney and power for medical authorization forms. The doctor's offices have a form that fil can fill out about giving medical info to others or he could write a letter and sign it.

Also, it is Medicaid that would be giving him assistance with the nursing home costs, not Medicare. (Medicare would pay for up to 100 days if he would fall, etc, and need to be in the nh for rehab). If he goes to assisted living, I believe that expense is on him--so if his only income is SS, he would probably have to sell the home to pay for it unless the siblings are all going to kick in for it.

Medicaid has a whole packet to fill out to receive aid. It took about 1 month for the process for my mom and she was already in the nursing home. I have heard that for someone not in the nh, the process can be longer. A hint with the process is to provide everything that they "might" need (bank statements for 3 months, proof of income and insurance, etc) with the initial application. Also, if you can hand deliver it to the SRS office it cuts down on snail mail time. You can also fax in documents if you have that capability, but I always worried about the pages not all getting to the right person. Also, make copies of everything that you submit, keep a note on dates and times and names of people who you talk to. Nursing home social workers can help you with the application process as well.

DH and his siblings need to decide soon--perhaps tomorrow--who should be the one to have POA's. That person should also be on the bank account. I would also have someone go online tomorrow and have fil's name and address put on the no junk mail lists and his phone number on the do not call list. If fil's city has a no solicitation ordinance, get a sign to put on the front door--it may not turn everyone away, but it is a deterence. (My neighbor has a bigger notice on solicitation on her door and I can get a copy of it for you--gives definition of solicitation, etc, and they have not been bothered by solicitors because as soon as they see the sign, they know the neighbors are serious.)

How susceptible is fil to giving money to other people who come to his door, call him on the phone, etc? Would he give out his bank account or social security information? Would he let strangers in his house? These are also things you need to think about if he stays in his home.

What is going to happen to fil while you are working these things out? Are the siblings going to take turns staying with him or having him in their homes? It doesn't sound like he can be left alone.

From your post it really sounds like he needs to be someplace where someone else is taking care of him and his daily needs. And it really sounds as if he needs nursing home care rather than assisted living. If none of the siblings live close or are able to take him in, this might be the best option for him, as hard as it may be. Go around and visit nursing homes. Show up at different times of the days. Ask friends for referrals.

As for the house. No, he probably doesn't need to sell it, but Medicaid (if he uses that) can put a lein against the home for the proceeds upon his death. So, basically you pay them one way or the other. Also, if he keeps the home and is in the nursing home and is helped by Medicaid, who will pay the taxes and insurance on the home? If he does rent it, that would be considered income and could affect his eligibility depending on the amount of rent. If he does sell it, as I mentioned earlier, he can use some of the proceeds to buy a burial plan--otherwise who will pay for this? The siblings? You might be able to take it out of the proceeds of the sale after his death, but if he is on medicaid I'm not sure about that. You can call the SRS office and ask about that. Those are questions to ask the eldercare lawyer.

My mom lived with us for 7 years before she went to the nursing home. She had two falls in less than 6 months, one at home during the night and she laid there for 5 hours before we found her in the morning--her bedroom is on first floor and ours are on second. She was in rehab for 2 months.

Next fall was in the bathroom of the beauty salon. She went in the hospital and then to rehab and then remained in nursing home. She would have needed 24 hour care and she did not have the money to pay it. Medicare would pay for some, but it wouldn't make a dent. My husband travels a lot and we have a teen son who is busy with activities. I have a daughter who lives with her family in California.

The primary care for my mother would have landed upon me (actually it has been me for the last 7 years)--I have no siblings. Just getting her to doctor appointments, getting her meds, taking her shopping, meeting all of her other needs during that time could be exhausting in itself. I knew I could not work all day and then take care of her now more demanding needs at night or I would not have gotten any sleep and would have ended up sick myself. For my sanity and health, the well being of my family, and for my mom's best interests, the nursing home is the best place for her.

Again, hugs and good luck on getting this all sorted out.

 

[bumbershoot]

Reverse mortgage worked well for my grandma, but I think she started it around 10 years before it kicked in. With hers, it was set to kick in (where she had to leave) if she was going to be medically out of the house beyond a certain period of time. So when she fell and broke her hip, and had to be in a nursing home for quite awhile, that's when the owners took over the house. But she also had Alzheimers, so she wasn't on her own to begin with (her single eldest daughter was living with her).


I'm sure you've already thought of this, but just in case...are there any SAH spouses in the family? I'm one, and DS and I nearly lived with MIL in the month after her husband died. Part of the reason was that it happened just before a snowstorm hit, and she wasn't going to drive anywhere in the snow, so DH ended up there that night, and then DS and I were there after. And the other reason was because her English isn't fluent (despite living here 40 years) and it gets worse under stress, AND DH reminds me that she didn't have more than the equivalent of a 5th grade education so she just doesn't understand the insurance/money/doctor/IRS stuff, and NEEDED me there to speak for her. But beyond that, she just needed us to be there.

So if there are ANY people not currently working, even a nephew/niece/cousin/grandchild (adult, of course) that is available, don't overlook them as someone who can be there more immediately for him.



I live in a condo building that has mainly LONG retired people. Very few people in their 60s, well except the guy across the hall who lives with his FATHER. And one thing I've learned from the people here in the last two years is...don't discount how AMAZING the elderly can be! They can have astonishing powers of springing back, even when it seems they've hit bottom and can't come back up. So please don't 100% count him out, because he could very well surprise you, even with the devastating losses he's had in the last month.

Didn't read this,...

PS: This was meant for that wdw poster who is determined to make my life hell.

...from what I could see, that poster wasn't doing anything towards you. They quoted in that post in order to show you that they had been responding to *someone else*. In response to what the other person had said. It wasn't at you, except the first post about independence being taught and then that big one. It was a convo with another poster.




Good luck to you all!

 

[creativeamanda]

OP--My MIL was in a similar situation several years ago before her death at the age of 54. She was not getting SS, but was getting disability. We contacted the Deparment of Social Services and she was examined to see if she needed assistance with daily living. It was determined that she did need it and within a couple of days, a worker was sent to her house. She was moved into assisted living apartments, and she took care of most of her daily needs. The lady came in every day except weekends to make sure she took her medications and helped clean and cook healthy meals for her. It was determined the family (meaning dh and I) could care for her over the weekends. When she started having regular strokes, she was moved into an assisted living facility and finally a nursing home in South Carolina.

I wish you lots of luck--it's hard, but sometimes it's what is best. I will say, though, if he has any property, they are going to determine his ability to pay for help. They look back over the last 6 months of bank statements, as well. My mother in law had no property, but my uncle, who lived in the same apartments, had to sell his house and pay for his nurse.

eta--Even before MIL was in the assisted living apartments, she was living in my parents' house (which had been willed to my daughter and we were deciding what to do with it). She was taken to doctor apointments on a van paid for by Medicare and Medicaid. I do think she had to pay $3 to ride it to the doctor's appointments, but they would take her to the store those days, as well.

 

[creativeamanda]

OP we keep posting at the same time
You said it far better than i ever could!

Something I would like to suggest if it has not been done is that someone in your family get some basic legal stuff out of the way or at least begin to know where things stand.

A letter from FIL to the physician allowing designated family members to assist in care or to speak with the Dr. and get information. Same for the pharmacist. the power company, the mortgage company (if applicable) even the bank, etc.

Has FIL completed a power of attorney etc. I am not talking about taking over his life, since he sounds resistant, I am speaking of just having access so that the family members can assist in his day to day care and ask questions where needed.

In the state of North Carolina, it cannot be a letter. It has to be a power of attorney. We weren't even allowed to have the power turned off in MIL's apartment until we faxed the POA and then had to get a certified copy to them.

OP, you will also need a Medical Power of Attorney letter to go with the financial one. PM me--I'd like to know where in NC you are, because I can give you the names of some good attorneys to help.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Ok, I'm back..thanks so much for continuing to offer advice. I'm going to take my laptop out there this morning (hope someone around there has wi-fi) and start on the calls around 9. With all the drama from yesterday, I forgot to mention Eddie. You guys will probably think I am making this up, but one of the adult children lives with them because he has mental issues. Not bipolar or something like that. I am not sure what the word is I am looking for...but he is not a high functioning man. I think he is 54. Anyway, he is married but lived with his parents without his wife for the past dozen or so years because his wife (who is also mentally challenged) lives with her mother and refuses to let Eddie live with them because they get more money from the state if his income (which is meager to begin with) is counted. It's a really odd situation. He spends the weekends with his wife at her moms house and then lives the rest of the week with my in laws. So now we are also concerned for him. His mom always babied him and took care of everything. He is not on disability because he doesn't think there is anything wrong. He thinks he is just as normal as the day is long, and it's just not true. So we have him to figure out as well.
Ok, I'll answer some questions that were put out here. I'm sorry I'm not addressing each of you specifically, but please know your kindness means so much to me. I have felt so helpless and it kills me to see my family go through this again. I know feel armed with a lot of info and it's all thanks to you guys. Now I don't have to spend precious time googling all morning instead of making the calls I need to make. Oh, and if someone told me to google something specific, that's great info....please don't think I don't appreciate it. You know how google is, if you don't know where to start, it can get frustrating. I consider google suggestions as valuable as other info people have posted. Ok, here goes.
I think Meals on Wheels will be my first call. Here in the South (not sure about elsewhere), the thing to do when someone dies is to bring food. And people just keep bringing food for about 3 or 4 days. No one in our family has had to buy a meal since the day this happened. Our friends and community have kept us all fed. So feeding my FIL has not been a concern. But today, it is something we will need to talk about. People don't bring food forever. In fact, I think someone brought a sub tray from Blimpies yesterday and that was probably the last of the free food. But it has been a Godsend to not have to worry about cooking or shopping for food. But that's over now and it's reality time. So Meals on Wheels first.
Ok, my FIL was never in the military, so nothing there. Their house is paid off and has been for years. They have no credit. This is so funny actually. They tried to get a satellite installed a couple of years ago and were denied because they had not borrowed any money in so long, their credit report was void of any info. So no debt other than hospital and homeowners insurance.