I've failed as a daughter

[Stitchfans]

Don't put yourself through that guilt trip. You don't deserve it. I wish I had an answer to your problem, but in no way should you feel like you failed your mom. Your SIL is a greedy, horrible person. Enough said about her. Shame you can't have a part time nurse come in to just help you as far as meds and your mother's food. That is the only thing I can come up with.

 

[minkydog]

Lauri, You have not failed your mother. In fact, I bet your mother is very grateful that you are willing to take her, given her high needs. I know you're mad at your SIL right now. I don't know the situtation, but I know it's stressful having another person living in your house. Perhaps your SIL couldn't deal with that as graciously as you can.

Or perhaps things have changed and your mom needs a lot more supervision than she did before. Since you and Matt are working , you'll need to look into some kind of daytime caregiver or an adult daycare center so your mom won't have to be alone all day. Don't be too hard on your brothers. The fact is, most brothers don't fall into the caregiving role very easily. Its very uncommon for a grown son to give the kind of daily care that your mom needs, so i imagine the bulk of the care falls to the SIL, who has decided she can't or won't do it anymore. If she's also caring for the children I can see why she might be resentful(just speaking from experience).

Hugs to you all as you begin this new adventure. It's not easy living with your own chronic illness and caring for an elderly adult with her own illnesses. Get busy and find whatever help is available to you.

You haven't failed your mom. She is an adult with her own mind and ways of doing things. She didn't mean to get sick and neither did you. Its a major pain in the butt to have chronic illness. All your mother expects from you is that she is cared for and loved.

 

[Buckalew11]

No, you did not fail your mom. You and Matt have done so much for her. Unfortunately your brother is the one failing her by not standing up to SIL. I could be way off, but she may have some guilt over taking care of MIL while her DM was not doing well and this is her way of dealing with it.

She could feel some guilt--I thought about that also. She may be resenting the fact that her mom is gone and yours is still here. Ugly but real--just a part of grief also. Doesn't make her a bad person.

I don't agree with BIL failing because he won't stand up to his wife. Stand up about what? I'm betting SIL does most of the caregiving while brother works and "lets" his wife do the caregiving.
And what about the other brother?

 

[goofy4tink]

Lauri, I'm so sorry. Man, it's tough being a daughter. Sons just don't get it. When my mom was alive, my brothers treated her badly. They never visited, the brother that lives about 20 minutes away from us never included mom in their family things...just his in-laws. Said they were more fun than our family.
So.....it sounds like you've had a rough road to hoe from the very beginning with your mom. She sounds like she's a bit difficult to deal with. Is your sil right? God no!!! What goes around, comes around. I'm seeing it happen with my own brother and his witch of a wife. But, there is nothing you can do to fix what they have done. So....if you really feel that your mom would be better off in a nursing home, then that's what you do. You have to think of your family now, and what's best for them. You have so much on your plate at the moment...'fake disease' my foot (and that's not what I wanted to say!!) Find as good a spot for your mom as you can....send your loving brother and his wife a bill each month. You shouldn't be expected to foot the bill all by yourself. All siblings should share in this one.
Have you failed? Dear God, no. Obviously, from your post, you're a caring daughter. Maybe not doing what your mother would like you to do, but, hey...you have to do what's right for you. Is there any kind of dementia going on here? If so, nothing you do is going to go over well with your mom. Just do the best you can. You have done a great job. No way should you feel badly. Your older siblings should feel guilty, not you!!! You are all in this together....it is not just your sole responsibility. Hang in there...you've done great!!!

 

[MeanLaureen]

I don't think it sounds like your mom needs a nursing home. It sounds like assisted living would be a good fit for her. They'd feed her if she was on a "dining plan" and also give her the meds she needs. As long as she is mobile and can go to the bathroom, that is usually the rules of assisted living. My grandmother living in AS for about 5 years and it was great for her. SHe had friends, didn't have to cook, did social things.
I don't think you should feel you failed. You didn't. Life happens to all of us and you certainly didn't choose your illness. But I think you should understand that caregiving takes a toll on people mentally and physically. I know you know that already since you cared for your mom for all those years but I am sure her health is much different as she is older. Your SIL sounds burned out to me. She has her family and her parents (sorry about her mother's death) and a life too. It is easy to feel sandwiched between the generations.

I hope you can work this out with your SIL. It sounds like she has taken a turn. What about your other brother?

Actually, my mom's health right now is a lot better than it was the last 3 yrs we were caring for her. Of course, when I was exhausted and wanted a break back then and asked them (SIL and Brother) to have her visit for awhile it was never convenient. I've asked my brother if my mom is too demanding on SIL and he said it's not my mom, it's her. My mom stays to herself and her two teenage grandchildren can't do enough for her. Something is definitely wrong with SIL...

For instance - my older brother was getting married earlier this summer. They were having a small wedding in PA. They (mom and SIL) were going to drive up early that morning for the wedding. Matt and I couldn't go because he had no time off from work. My mom and SIL spent a month talking about what they would wear - do you like these earrings - how about these shoes. My mom was in her glory because she loves getting dressed up. That morning they are leaving for the wedding.. all dressed in their wedding attire, literally had one foot out the door and SIL decides "I'm not going". Just like that. Turns around and walks back in the house leaving my mom standing there. My mom was in tears.

This is the way she's been acting lately - one minute she's fine and your best friend, the next minute she's acting like she doesn't give a damn.

About my other brother - I talked to his new wife this morning who did say that she wants my mom to come spend time with them but they are taking one daughter to college in AZ this weekend and then the other daughter to college in WV the next. Maybe after they are back they can take her for a couple of weeks - neither of them work because my brother retired at 50 very well off.

 

[SC Minnie]

I don't think it sounds like your mom needs a nursing home. It sounds like assisted living would be a good fit for her. They'd feed her if she was on a "dining plan" and also give her the meds she needs. As long as she is mobile and can go to the bathroom, that is usually the rules of assisted living. My grandmother living in AS for about 5 years and it was great for her. SHe had friends, didn't have to cook, did social things.

My MIL is in an assisted living place. She has her own apartment and comes and goes but they have a dining room and activities going on all day. They make sure she eats, takes her medicine, etc. But there are people there to interact with. It isn't a nursing home. This sounds like what your mother needs.

You have not failed her.

 

[Daxx]

I don't know what to say other that that you didn't fail your mother. From what you wrote here, you did everything you could for her.

I don't know how much caregiving your SIL did, but since your mom is not her mom, she might be angry about having to do this. Esp. if she has her own kids or mom/dad to worry about. Now, I am NOT defending your SIL, but I know that a lot of people don't have the same feelings for an in-law as they do for their own parents.

I love the idea of assisted living ... gives your mom her dignity, a place of her own and some freedom while being fed and taken care of.

Please, please, please do NOT think of yourself as a failure to your mother. You did a lot for her from the get-go! I don't know any 21 yos who take care of their mom the way you did ... and you continued throughout your life! God bless your DH for even taking Mom in b/c that is an amazing thing in itself!

I send you prayers and pixie dust and loads of hugs! You are not a failure -- you did more for your mom than anyone else has!!!!! That does not constitute failure!!!!!

 

[MeanLaureen]

To answer the question about how much care my SIL gives my mom compared to what my brother does - I've asked my mom who does what. She said that my SIL washes her clothes for her (the wash machine is in the basement and she can't navigate the steps) and of course makes her meals along with the rest of the family's meals. (Mom doesn't eat anything special, just eats what the family is eating).

If the kids are home or my brother is home - they do everything for her.. give her the medicine she needs to take, spend time with her, etc. She said my nephew (15) can't do enough for her -he's always asking "can I get you something Nana?" My brother used to love having her there with him and I suspect he still does.. it's just whatever is going on with his wife that is causing this mess. Actually, I think if it weren't for the kids and my mom, he would have left her over her actions lately, and he is extremely easy going and forgiving.

The worst thing my SIL can say my mom does is that she doesn't want to sit outside in 98 degree heat to watch my nephew's baseball games and just stays home - any my nephew doesn't even care! He comes home and fills her in on the game. Heck, with the heat this summer, who would want to sit out on bleachers for 2 hours every day (he plays in 3 leagues) at her age and health

 

[I Love Pluto]

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You are NOT responsible for anything and everything that happens to your mom. Give yourself a break. How can you feel that everything is YOUR fault? NOTHING is YOUR fault.

Assisted living - although expensive - is the way to go. We've been going through this for the last two years with MIL & FIL. Do NOT listen to any criticism from mom or from others.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do not let others get to you. Smile often.

 

[Buckalew11]

Actually, my mom's health right now is a lot better than it was the last 3 yrs we were caring for her. Of course, when I was exhausted and wanted a break back then and asked them (SIL and Brother) to have her visit for awhile it was never convenient. I've asked my brother if my mom is too demanding on SIL and he said it's not my mom, it's her. My mom stays to herself and her two teenage grandchildren can't do enough for her. Something is definitely wrong with SIL...

For instance - my older brother was getting married earlier this summer. They were having a small wedding in PA. They (mom and SIL) were going to drive up early that morning for the wedding. Matt and I couldn't go because he had no time off from work. My mom and SIL spent a month talking about what they would wear - do you like these earrings - how about these shoes. My mom was in her glory because she loves getting dressed up. That morning they are leaving for the wedding.. all dressed in their wedding attire, literally had one foot out the door and SIL decides "I'm not going". Just like that. Turns around and walks back in the house leaving my mom standing there. My mom was in tears.

This is the way she's been acting lately - one minute she's fine and your best friend, the next minute she's acting like she doesn't give a damn.

About my other brother - I talked to his new wife this morning who did say that she wants my mom to come spend time with them but they are taking one daughter to college in AZ this weekend and then the other daughter to college in WV the next. Maybe after they are back they can take her for a couple of weeks - neither of them work because my brother retired at 50 very well off.

There are a host of things that could be going on with your SIL. If she has teens, she is probably old enough to be starting menopause (or there) and from what my clients tell me, it can be a whole new hormonal ballgame--depression, anxieties, as wel as a lot of physical things. Maybe you should try to get in touch with her and sit down and talk about what is going on with her. Don't rely on your brother to know or talk to you about it. Chances are he doesn't understand such "female" things anyway.

I think it is great that your other brother and his wife take a turn. If neither of them work then it sounds like they can probably take their turn for a year or so.

Maybe your SIL is the bad guy in all this. We'd need to hear her side of the story before we could know. She may be a real witch or she may just be burned out and dealing with her own grief of losing her own mom.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

I don't know what to say, other than . And I'd tell you SIL to get bent.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Maybe your SIL is the bad guy in all this. We'd need to hear her side of the story before we could know. She may be a real witch or she may just be burned out and dealing with her own grief of losing her own mom.

I'm not saying that my mom is an angel - she can be trying at times, albeit not intentionally. She obsesses over things like her pills. Even I told her last time she was staying with us a few weeks ago that I was going to start charging her 50 cents everytime she said the word pills because I needed a new car (okay, that gave me a smile and I needed that)

It's just so weird because SIL used to say how evil her own mother was to her and how much she loved my mom for treating her like she was her own daughter and how nice it was to have a mom again. Then about a year ago she goes off the deep end - not just on my mom, but on everyone. Everyone seems to have to walk on eggshells around her. Maybe it is menopause, I don't know. Right after she gave me the "knock it off with your fake illness - all the while at the time I was taking chemo drugs to kill my immune system ) she was diagnosed with a thyroid condition so I assume she's under a doctor's care for this.

I'm just hoping that my other brother can take her for a while. I know my mom doesn't want to go to PA, not sure why since she was born and raised in NJ so it's not like she has ties to VA, but my other SIL is a saint and a wonderful woman and I know she would treat my mom like gold if she was up there with them - it's just a matter of whether it works into their jet set ways.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Question about Assisted Living - does Medicare cover that? I know my mom gets a small amount of money a month from Social Security. She had a modest savings account when she went to move up with my brother but I signed over Power of Attorney to him since they would be handling her bills so I have no idea what amount of money she has left - if any (at least SIL doesn't have POA because I feel like right now she would be spending every last cent my mom has - as it is she is charging her $640 a month for one room. They used to ask her for $300 but SIL said my mom uses to much electricity. $340 a month worth?

 

[barkley]

you have'nt failed, and while i know your sil has done a hatefull thing regarding the comments about your illness (none of my sibs or il's have said it to my face but i KNOW some question the validity of my illnesses-but they only 'hear' about the bad days-good lord, it would never occur to them to offer to maybe take the kids to the park for a couple of hours so i, or moreso dh who pulls the full weight plus cares for me could have a couple of hours of down time- they never truly 'see it', let alone live with it, and when we see each other you can bet it's not on one of those and i'm 'fighting' to put on the best front) given the issues you and the nursing center had with your mom you have to concede that it's no picnic being around her 24/7-unjustifyably wrong of her to lash out at you-but it could have been the result of allot of tensions piling up and you were an easy target.

that said-having read so many posts by your SUPERB hubby (he and mine will have a special place in heaven designated for the wonderful spouses who care for and PROTECT their hubby/wives-the fastest internet connections, sci fi to their hearts content.... ) i have to ask you to step back and look at the impact having your mom at home will have on her, you and him. i speak from personal experience when i say that while a spouse can look like he's dealing realy well with the demands of an ill spouse-it can be taking a toll. i was devastated when during a 'good period' in my health to get a call from the primary care doctor dh and share telling me 'i can't reach him by phone, go and get him at work and bring him here NOW". a routine physical showed signs of health issues the doctor had not seen in men twice dh's age-and after considering what dh had dealt with regarding my health issues and some insane family issues, the doctor advised us to 'step back'-and 'let go' of any issues/situations we truly could or accept the fact that it was taking a toll on our health and be prepared to deal with the consequences.

as the only daughter in my family (my brothers range from 6-16 years older than i) i ended up being the 'go to' person for family arguments, issues, 'what are we going to do about mom?'. i finaly said 'we is the operative word-we will figure out what's best for mom and us-and while it may not be mom's first, or our first choice-we have to balance it out against whats best for everyone'. in our case it was an assisted living apartment-she was'nt happy about it, but it was interesting to see that the anger she had about 'proving us wrong' got channeled into doing things she had'nt 'been able' to do before such that she proved us all 'wrong' and was able to drop all of the assisted living and stay on as an independant resident.

i think an interesting and somewhat guilt releiving read may be some of the books written for adult children of aging parents (the 'dummies' series has a great one that talks of what 'we' believe are issues related to our personal history with parents but are actualy a natural progression in shifting from being a child to 'parenting a parent'). i found alot of good information about issues with dealing with my mom as well as some solace that what i was experiencing was not based on some deep seated issue in our past.

take care-and while this has been a wordy post i want to add one more thing-don't be surpised if your mom's eating issues reappear. one thing i learned was that seniors not unlike teens find a tremendous amount of 'control' by virtue of their eating habits-and they can unconsciously use it to manipulate (sadly, i had an elderly aunt that my mom catered to for years to 'get her to eat'-when she got mad and went to live with one of her kids who did'nt cater, it had become an ingraned habit vs. a choice-one of the contributing factors to her death was malnutrition ).

god bless and god speed.

'redheads united will never be defeated"

 

[Buckalew11]

Question about Assisted Living - does Medicare cover that? I know my mom gets a small amount of money a month from Social Security. She had a modest savings account when she went to move up with my brother but I signed over Power of Attorney to him since they would be handling her bills so I have no idea what amount of money she has left - if any (at least SIL doesn't have POA because I feel like right now she would be spending every last cent my mom has - as it is she is charging her $640 a month for one room. They used to ask her for $300 but SIL said my mom uses to much electricity. $340 a month worth?

Well, whatever the problem is, I think we all agree that your mom needs to be out of that situation. $640.00 a month? Sounds like a lot of money to me...

I am not sure about Medicare and AL. But I will tell you that it is expensive--Nana's was 2500. a month and that is in a place of the country with a lower COL.
Good luck, Lauri. I know it is a very hard situation. Chances are your mom will not "fit in" with jet setting lifestyle. Will they make the sacrifice as you all have? I don;t know, but I wish you good luck.

 

[barkley]

Question about Assisted Living - does Medicare cover that? I know my mom gets a small amount of money a month from Social Security. She had a modest savings account when she went to move up with my brother but I signed over Power of Attorney to him since they would be handling her bills so I have no idea what amount of money she has left - if any (at least SIL doesn't have POA because I feel like right now she would be spending every last cent my mom has - as it is she is charging her $640 a month for one room. They used to ask her for $300 but SIL said my mom uses to much electricity. $340 a month worth?

nope-medicare covers long term nursing care. some doctors are nice enuf to expound on the fact that despite a family member being onsite or them hiring a day nurse-there must be a medical professional to oversee their condition so that the patient qualifies-but assisted living is not covered.

 

[Pop Daddy]

your post is way to long for em to read, but your not a failure

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My MIL is in an assisted living place. She has her own apartment and comes and goes but they have a dining room and activities going on all day. They make sure she eats, takes her medicine, etc. But there are people there to interact with. It isn't a nursing home. This sounds like what your mother needs.

My mom has finally agreed to move to Assisted Living; she's going September 1. I'm so relieved. I know she'll be well-taken care of (my sister just about lives with her now, but can barely take care of herself), and she'll be closer to me (2 miles vs 25).

Something you may want to consider, if possible. My mom has been to this Assisted Living place 3 times in 3 months for "respite care", two times for several days, and a full week the 3rd time. It gave everyone a break, and it gave my mom an opportunity to try it out. I could see the difference in her while she was there...a positive change. She didn't just sit all day...she had to head down to meals 3 times a day and developed friendships with the staff (wonderful!) and other residents. It's nothing like a nursing home...she had her own apartment. Her medications were distributed to her...it was always one of my concerns that she and my sister weren't handling her meds correctly, or ordering them on time.

My mom was the primary caregiver for my dad for two years before he died, and honestly, I thought she'd have a breakdown. It was extremely overwhelming for her, even with help that we could provide, and at the end, occasional help from outside agencies.

Good luck. It's a tough situation.

 

[safetymom]

YOU DIDN'T FAIL YOUR MOTHER!!!!! You did what you could and still would do anything for her if you could.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

To add...the cost is out of pocket for my mom. It's $2575/mo (apartment/3 meals a day) PLUS $750 a month for "Level 1" care...med distribution, shower help, etc. (Mom is 83, and had a tumor on her spinal cord removed 2 1/2 years ago...very slow and unsteady on her feet.) Luckily, she's got assets, including a house to be sold. I haven't looked into any other facilities (not since my dad died 8 years ago, anyway) because this one is very close to me, new and beautiful, and has a very good reputation, so I have no idea what other types of options are out there.

The cost for respite care at the same place is $130/day, and include the apartment, 3 meals a day, and med distribution. And the great staff and residents...priceless.