I've failed as a daughter

[MeanLaureen]

I feel like I've failed my mom.

First let me fill you in on the backstory - I have 2 brothers older than me 10 and 15 yrs older - and my dad left when I was 5. My mom had to go back to work and support us - well, not so much my brothers because one was 20 and out of the house and the other moved out at 18.. but she was stuck working full time to support me.

When I turned 18 and started working full time, I took over supporting her and provided her with a place to live. She would give me a little money here and there so she wouldn't feel completely supported but it was never an issue of "give me your rent". When I bought my house at 21, she moved in with me and my husband, who made her an inlaw suite.

She was with me through the onset of my illness and then in late 2001 she started taking a turn for the worst. She was pretty much anorexic and wouldn't eat, she had the onset of a disease in the parkinsons family and her brother and sister died within a year of each other - she went downhill fast. At the same time, my health declined severely and I just couldn't expend the type of energy to fight her to eat, to force her to take her medicine (I later found out she would hide the pills).. I tried and Matt tried, but it was useless - she was on a one way trip to self destruction.

Then in spring of 2004 she fell and broke her hip. She went into a rehab nursing home to recover, where she fought them all the way. A month later they told us they were dismissing her because there was nothing they could do for her. The doctor also told us that she needed someone home with her 24 hrs and that there was no way I was going to be able to provide her the care that she needed with my own health problems.

One of my brothers spoke up and said that she would move in with them. At first it was a Godsend. She couldn't manipulate them the way she could me. They had an excellent doctor where they lived that really turned her around. She wasn't better, but she could walk with a walker and started eating again.

Now 2 yrs later, my sister-in-law has decided that she hates my mom and wants her gone. My brother tried to compensate by telling my mom to fork over her entire balance of her social security check to her after she pays for her medicine because "money makes things better". That lasted a short time before this woman started going off again. I don't know what is wrong with her. We used to be best friends (me and SIL) but she turned on me too and wrote me this scathing email telling me to "get over my fake disease and just suck it up". I don't know what she has against my mother because my mom was nothing but good to her - paying for her kids private school tuition, treating her like a daughter when her own mother wouldn't give her the time of day... it's like she's another person, and someone I don't care to know.

So my brother calls me this morning and says that SIL's mother passed away - not totally unexpected because she had been sick for awhile. He said that SIL wants my mom gone. He wanted to know if he could bring her to stay with me for the rest of the week until things "blow over" but he thinks that eventually she won't want her around period and he'll have to put her in a nursing home. My mom needs care somewhat - she's mobile enough to take herself to the bathroom and from room to room, but she needs someone to give her her medicine and make her something to eat. The rest of the time all she does is sit on the couch and watch tv because they never want to take her anywhere except to my nephew's baseball games. And then she gets mad when my mom doesn't want to go and sit outside at a baseball game in 98 degree heat.

Anyway, he is going to bring my mom down here today even though we told him that we have work obligations Thurs-Saturday and nobody would be home for upwards to 8-9 hours a day. He told us to just "pack her a lunch" and put her on the couch.

I feel like I have failed my mother. I feel like if I hadn't gotten sick I could have bi-passed this downhill slope she went down. I feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough. I feel so guilty. Am I wrong for feeling like my brothers should be able to take care of my mom when I (and Matt - who did the most of her care after she first started going downhill) took care of and supported her for 19 yrs?

My sister in law is going to see to it that she goes into a nursing home and I feel like it's all my fault... that I failed my mother.

 

[SandraVB79]

I don't know what to say other that that you didn't fail your mother. From what you wrote here, you did everything you could for her. If there is someone who failed your mother, it's your SIL.

 

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

 

[kimmikayb]

I watched my mom go throught this with her mother. She thought, she too had failed her mother. She was the only one of three girls who would take care of Grandma. Nobody else even came to see her. When the day came that Mom couldn't take care of Grandma anymore....she felt she failed her. She didn't and you aren't either. Don't beat yourself up. Do what you can with what you have. I don't know what illness you have but you have an obligation to care for your health! Let me repeat YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR MOTHER! You know what? If your mom needs to go to a nursing home, there really are some great ones out there. Plus, there are home care options where a nurse will come and check in on her for days you will be gone for long periods of time.

As for your SIL....she will reap what she sows. Sorry, she just sounds like an idiot. A toxic relationship you can do without.

Sending you lots of

 

[The Mayor]

Lauri...no way in hell have you let your mother down...is it your fault you got sick...of course not...you had a doctor tell you that you wouldn't be able to handle caring for your mother...the person that has let your mother down is your SIL...guilt can be a horrible thing to deal with...I had to put my Mom in a nursing home (Alzheimers) after promising my Dad before he died that I would not...it still eats away at me from time to time but I know it was best for her and her safety...you need to look at all the good you've DONE for your mother over the years to work through this...I know it's easier said than done but believe me you will start to see that you have not let your mother down.

 

[kejoda]

You DID NOT fail your Mom. Repeat you DID NOT fail your Mom. From what you wrote your Mom needs more care than what anyone in your family and your doing her a disservice not having her live where she could get better care. And I'm not saying you couldn't but you work so you can't be there all the time. Someone that works in a care home will be there for her all the time. She might even start doing more things than watch tv. Start looking into places. And if your having her stay with you until then call a home meals place for lunch delivery.(like meals on wheels) Not only will they bring lunch but someone is checking on her during the day.

As for your brothers yes they should be helping your Mom more but then some people just are like that and its not much you can do about it. And your SIL? She sounds like the Queen *****.

Hugs Laureen it will work out.

 

[Cantw8]

awwwww no you didn't. Big hug for you

 

[luvwinnie]

You cannot control your illness! None of this is your fault. I know you must feel helpless and I'm so sorry for that. Is it possible for her to live you but with a health aide who comes in?

 

[princess momma]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a terrible situation. Maybe a skilled nursing facility or assisted living would be the best situation for your mother and for everyone else. Or maybe respite care for a short period of time.

I cared for my father for a short time while he was dying and for my mother several months at a time, on 3 different occasions. It's very stressful and I didn't even have my own family then.

Maybe your SIL isn't the nicest person in the world but she's cared for your mother for 2 years and she's had enough. It's no longer a good place for her to be if she isn't wanted. Caregiver stress can bring out the worst in people.

And you haven't failed your mother. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond what is normally expected of a child.

 

[MeanLaureen]

I just can't get one thing out of my head - when she went into that rehab nursing home after breaking her hip she kept saying to me "Why are you doing this to me"

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't think it sounds like your mom needs a nursing home. It sounds like assisted living would be a good fit for her. They'd feed her if she was on a "dining plan" and also give her the meds she needs. As long as she is mobile and can go to the bathroom, that is usually the rules of assisted living. My grandmother living in AS for about 5 years and it was great for her. SHe had friends, didn't have to cook, did social things.
I don't think you should feel you failed. You didn't. Life happens to all of us and you certainly didn't choose your illness. But I think you should understand that caregiving takes a toll on people mentally and physically. I know you know that already since you cared for your mom for all those years but I am sure her health is much different as she is older. Your SIL sounds burned out to me. She has her family and her parents (sorry about her mother's death) and a life too. It is easy to feel sandwiched between the generations.

I hope you can work this out with your SIL. It sounds like she has taken a turn. What about your other brother?

 

[luvdzne]

I don't think you failed your mother, and I'm sure she doesn't feel that way either. It sounds like you love your mother very much.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You did not fail, it is just the natural course of things to happen for your mom.

When people care for the elderly you can reach 'burn-out'. When you have reached that point you MUST make alternate plans, even if it is a nursing home.

It is not fair for an elderly person to be in a unwanted home. That sets up the stage for improper treatment or abuse.
Burn Out is real and you have to have compassion for the caretakers.

 

[Virgo10]

OK, first of all... Don't Do This!! Do not beat yourself up because you're not superwoman.

This story reminded me of what happened to my SIL. Her sister vowed that their mother would never ever go to a nursing home. So what happened? They kept her home and the woman (my SIL's mother) basically lived in solitary confinement. She was blind and suffering from dementia. My SIL's sister had issues, she was an alcoholic, and would blow up at thier mother.

Eventually saner heads prevailed and my SIL's mother did go to a nursing home where she finally got to interact with other people, go to activities, etc. The last 2 years of her life in a nursing home were better for her than the previous 4 she spent at "home".

The

"pack her a lunch" and put her on the couch.

line reminded me of what happened in that family. If you really want to help your mother, find a reputable nursing facility. Get her admitted. Visit often. Beating yourself up over things that are out of your control won't help anyone, least of all you.

In addition. I really hope everything works out.

 

[CinderellaIam]

No, you did not fail your mom. You and Matt have done so much for her. Unfortunately your brother is the one failing her by not standing up to SIL. I could be way off, but she may have some guilt over taking care of MIL while her DM was not doing well and this is her way of dealing with it.

 

[The Mayor]

I just can't get one thing out of my head - when she went into that rehab nursing home after breaking her hip she kept saying to me "Why are you doing this to me"

It is a typical response that every child hears when they put a parent in a nursing home...it was the first thing the nursing home representatives told me to be prepared for...I also agree that assisted living would be a better option for your mother...she would still have her own place to feel independant but still have the care she needs...please don't beat yourself up over this.

 

[piglet too]

Lauri ~ I have no words of wisdom for you. I just want to offer you a hug and let you know that I too feel that you have not failed your mom.

Maybe an assisted living center would be good for her. You could explain to her that it is not really a "home" but a place she can love, on her own in a way, yet still get teh care she does need.

 

[Buckalew11]

I just can't get one thing out of my head - when she went into that rehab nursing home after breaking her hip she kept saying to me "Why are you doing this to me"

That is very common.
We were lucky as Nana chose to sell her condo and move into AL. She never said those things to us.

But my DH's grandmother sure did. She went into a NH. It was awful. She told everyone what a terrible DD she had (my MIL) and begged people to take her home. THAT is a hard situation to be in. The guilt trip can be about as bad as it gets. But my MIL even tried moving her back in with her and it was a diaster. She was in 3 NHs trying to make her happy...she never was. But no one in the family could give her the care she needed.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Oh Lauri, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You did NOT fail your Mom. Hugs sweetie, I can't think of a kinder more big hearted person anywhere!

 

[Poohgirl]

Im so sorry you are going through this. You did not fail your mother! You did what you could for many years. Please keep yourself well.