I've failed as a daughter

[barkley]

you need to shop assisted living places. the first place my mom was at only offered 'levels' of assisted living-so despite only needing assistance with a couple of issues she would have had to pay for a whole 'menu' of services at a flat rate. the place she's in now contracts out to an agency that provides assistance on a per item price-while someone with allot of assitance needs might pay more for this a person with minimal or diminishing needs would save allot.

btw-my mom lives in a high 'cost of living area' and pays $2200 for a one bedroom place (cut it in half if she opted for the LARGE studio), 3 meals a day (the place is owned/operated by a major hotel chain-the dining room and food is as good as i've had in their high end restaurants), maid/laundry service, all utilities (except phone), expanded cable-and on call car service to doctors appts and shopping.

 

[luvwinnie]

I just wanted you to know that although my dad (72) lives with us, I know that because of my own health problems, if he becomes ill I won't be able to do it. HE'd have to go to my sister's or I'd have to get a nurse in.

 

[WDWfan36]

First heres some and no you have not let your mother down at all!

 

[Shugardrawers]

I didn't read all your responses so if I'm repeating someone, forgive me, 40 lashes with a wet cucumber for me

I agree your mom sounds like she needs assisted living. I used to work in a multi level care facility. One section was a retirement apartment complex. No care unless you were recovering from illness or something, totally independent otherwise. One section was a nursing home, bedridden patients received total nursing care 24/7. The other was the assisted living. They had studio apartments with a small kitchenette with just a fridge, sink and micro. Meals were served in a common dining room and if you didn't show we came looking for you. A staff RN made sure you took your meds as scheduled and nurses aids helped with bathing and dressing. There was a housekeeper who came weekly and a companion who stopped by several times a day to take you for a short walk, play some cards, make your bed etc. There were emergency call buttons in every room and staff in the office 24/7.

Rents were based on income and medicare/medicaid paid for 2nd and 3rd tier care for many residents. It's really something you should look into and I think 2nd tier care would be perfect for your mom. If she moved to Richmond you could see her everyday, she wouldn't feel like a burden or like she had been abandoned and you wouldn't overwork yourself. If you want, I can call my old boss for a recommendation of a facility in Richmond and give you a list of some places you could visit. I wish I was a bit closer, I'd come be her daytime companion while I'm not working. That's another thing to think about but costs darn near as much assisted living and puts more stress on the family I think. I'll call Berta right now and PM you with her recommendation. You might want to call social services to see what kind of paperwork is going to be required for 2nd tier admission and rental assistance. You've all worked and paid your taxes, it's time to get a little something in return.

As for failing your mother, you certainly have not. You cared for her financially and physically as long as you could. She knows that. Your body has failed you. If you try to care for her full time now, you'll risk taxing your body so much that you won't be here to care for her much longer. She raised a loving, intelligent daughter and so I'd bet she's a loving and intelligent mother who wants what's best for everyone involved. Sounds like that might be assisted living.

 

[MsLeFever]

{{{{{Lauri}}}}} Nothing to add here other than I'll be praying for you, Matt and your Mom.

 

[Blondy876]

Nothing you wrote sounds like you failed her at all. It sounds like you love her and are doing all you can for her. It sounds like you have been a loving and dedicated dd for years. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

 

[budbeerlady]

Hugs to you and your family!!!!! You have done all you can for her while trying to take care of yourself.

My grandfather was in a wonderful assisted living facility for a year. They made all of the meals and the residents had to be able to walk/wheel themselves to the dining room for them. There was a wonderful caring staff to give him his medication and he had a good time there even though he was living there less than a year before he passed. It was the best decision for our family even though it was hard for my Aunt to let go and realize she couldnt do it all.

 

[luvmick]

Sorry,but I think you are being unfair to SIL.She has taken care of a woman who is not her mother for two years and has had enough.She has done alot.Her first obligations are o her chidren.If your health will not allow you to take care of your mother,assisted living may be the best option.Seems like you thought you SIL was wonderful as lon as she was taking care of your mother,and now shes awful. Maybe you should think of her feelings.

 

[minkydog]

Sorry,but I think you are being unfair to SIL.She has taken care of a woman who is not her mother for two years and has had enough.She has done alot.Her first obligations are o her chidren.If your health will not allow you to take care of your mother,assisted living may be the best option.Seems like you thought you SIL was wonderful as lon as she was taking care of your mother,and now shes awful. Maybe you should think of her feelings.

Yike! that's putting it bluntly. But I tend to agree with you. I am a daughter-in-law to a woman who is 86yo. She has been "dying" for the last 25yrs that I have known her. She is sweet,but clingy and dependent. she wets herself. She's an alcoholic. At one time my DH wanted to move her in with us. I wasn't thrilled, to say the least. *She* decided it wouldn't work out because I wouldn't allow her gin in the house. *I* was relieved because I could see where this was going.

Her own daughter takes excellent care of her, found her a nice assisted living facility and is happy to run her around to Walmart. She has no children and she enjoys taking care of her mother. *I* do not. I have 3 kids, 2 with special needs, and my DH is disabled. I have my own set of health problems. The last thing I need is another adult to take care of. If it fell to me, it would feel like a disaster.

Lauri, I'm kind of seeing several points of view here. I don't know your SIL, so I don't know if she's just evil or shallow or what, but I'm thinking maybe she's burnt out.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP

You can only do so much. Other have to step up or everyone has to make sure she is in a safe place.

We just went though this with my grandmother and youngest (of 8) uncle who has downs, he has lived at home for his whole life. Grandmother had to go to a nursing home and uncle mark is being bounced the family around until my family finds a good place/fit for him.

 

[barkley]

again, not to take sides-but be aware, your mom and even your brother's perception of what sil does for your mom can be far different from the reality. i've got one sib. that as far as my mom is concerned 'takes care of everything' for her-thats based on him handling her finances and traveling from out of state every couple of months to run errands for her. she does'nt take into consideration or realize that i call her one or more times a day to 'visit' all the time monitoring her health and state of mind-i check to see if she's eating, what her meds status is (and keeping track of, ordering), if anything is happening that needs to be addressed (a repeated complaint of a minor med issue may result in my calling her doctor to check on an issue at her next appointment), monitoring how fast shes going through certain purchased items which might indicate shes forgoing healthier meals in favor of snacks, making sure she has enough stamps for bills and correspondance, pocket money for taxi rides and perscription deliveries. all of which seem minor as compared to what my brother 'does for her' ( which he concedes in in reality is a 'snap'-transfer x amount on-line from one account to another every few months, balance a checkbook that gets 2 checks per month max written on it, and a run to walmart before he settles in for a couple day's visit). and it could be that your brother's kids do allot for grandma because they realize how much their mom does and want to releive her.

 

[diznygirl]

Sorry,but I think you are being unfair to SIL.She has taken care of a woman who is not her mother for two years and has had enough.She has done alot.Her first obligations are o her chidren.If your health will not allow you to take care of your mother,assisted living may be the best option.Seems like you thought you SIL was wonderful as lon as she was taking care of your mother,and now shes awful. Maybe you should think of her feelings.

It might be that SIL has reached a breaking point - but that doesn't excuse the bad behavior on her part - including the email accusing Lauri of faking her illness. SIL is wrong.

Lauri - I think you should change the title of this thread - you aren't a failure as a daughter!

 

[MeanLaureen]

Sorry,but I think you are being unfair to SIL.She has taken care of a woman who is not her mother for two years and has had enough.She has done alot.Her first obligations are o her chidren.If your health will not allow you to take care of your mother,assisted living may be the best option.Seems like you thought you SIL was wonderful as lon as she was taking care of your mother,and now shes awful. Maybe you should think of her feelings.

I appreciate your view but I did want to clarify one point. I didn't think that she was wonderful just while she takes care of my mother. She and I had been the best of friends for 15 yrs prior to my mom needing them to take care of her. She was even my Matron of Honor at my wedding. She started acting a bit odd towards people a little before my mom fell but we all just wrote it off to "the change" or moodiness. She was the one that turned the relationship between us about 2 weeks after my mom went to live with my brother's family. She didn't just shoot off some nasty accusations towards me but to my other brother was well, pretty much alienating herself from this side of the family (My mom doesn't know what was said).

I just didn't want people to think that the only reason I did think my SIL was wonderful was she took care of my mom.. our friendship was much more than that for so much longer than what has happened over the past 2 yrs.

 

[MAKmom]

I'm not sure of every ones fiances but if you cannot afford assisted living find out which nursing homes are good ASAP & get her on the list. You do not have to do anything but the good ones have waiting list of years.

 

[luvwinnie]

Sorry,but I think you are being unfair to SIL.She has taken care of a woman who is not her mother for two years and has had enough.She has done alot.Her first obligations are o her chidren.If your health will not allow you to take care of your mother,assisted living may be the best option.Seems like you thought you SIL was wonderful as lon as she was taking care of your mother,and now shes awful. Maybe you should think of her feelings.

I think it is horrible to invite a parent into your home and then kick them out...believe me, my dad can be IRRITATING, but DH would NEVER EVER do that. He's a compassionate person.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think it is horrible to invite a parent into your home and then kick them out...believe me, my dad can be IRRITATING, but DH would NEVER EVER do that. He's a compassionate person.

But there comes a point where, if a caregiver can't handle the responsibility anymore, then there is no shame in admitting that and making other arrangements. The SIL lost her mother! Cut her a break!

ML, please don't believe that you failed your mother. You are in an impossible situation, doing the best you can do. Just out of curiosity, is your mother in her right mind? It doesn't see that she is if she's expecting so much out of you when you're so ill yourself.

to you. I know this must be so difficult. While my health problems aren't nearly the degree yours are, I know that I wouldn't be able to be a full-time caregiver to my mom either (even if she weren't such a witch ). You can't continue to let this guilt eat you alive.

 

[luvwinnie]

I think it is horrible to invite a parent into your home and then kick them out...believe me, my dad can be IRRITATING, but DH would NEVER EVER do that. He's a compassionate person.

Just want to add that if the caregiver becomes ill and can't take care of the person, then of course, I understand and it's in the older person's best interest.

 

[luvwinnie]

But there comes a point where, if a caregiver can't handle the responsibility anymore, then there is no shame in admitting that and making other arrangements. The SIL lost her mother! Cut her a break!

.

But I believe she told them she wanted ML's mom gone BEFORE her mom passed away.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Aging parents are so hard Laurie. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know of more than one family that is just being ripped at to the seams over these kinds of problems. Honestly, I don't think you are terrible and failing, and I really don't think your SIL is terrible. It is just a tough tough situation which requires huge personal sacrifice from family.

I agree with the others - if the finances are available then your Mom would be an excellent canidate for Assisted Living or a structured Retirement Living community.

I have a friend whose Mother just went into Assisted living and really, after the initial "this is terrible" period it was win win for everybody. Mom is never alone unless she wants to be. There is always somebody else hanging out in the Community Center. My friend told me there is a whole group of them that meet daily to watch Oprah.

She always has somebody to eat meals with, Daughter can spend her time with Mom shopping or going to the movies and not just fretting about meals, medicine, haircuts and personal care --- They really are happy they did it.

 

[MeanLaureen]

But I believe she told them she wanted ML's mom gone BEFORE her mom passed away.

Yeah, she did say it a while back and my brother had my mom pony up her social security check every month and it made things better for a few months. Of course I didn't find out about this until recently and when I asked my brother about it he said to just roll with it until SIL gets over her "issues". He kept assuring me she (SIL) was just going through a phase, but he sounds like he is believing it less and less himself now.

Thanks for the talk, guys. I do appreciate all the different sides. Matt made me go out for a while this afternoon - took me to a movie - so that I could get my mind off of things as much as possible. My brother should be here any minute with my mom so I probably won't be around much for the next few days.

Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to get things out.. it helps.