Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

[Pembo]

Yes

 

[palmtreegirl]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes

How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

I did. I did date and had lots of boyfriends but I just didn't have sex with them. I lost a handful of those boyfriends because I didn't have sex, at the time I hadn't even thought about it and laughed at them for even expecting me to sleep with them after only a few weeks. I didn't have sex till I was 21 and that was with DH, although we were not married. My mom NEVER talked to me about sex, I guess it they just lucked out with me!

Now DH total opposite he was in the Marine Corp and he was a total slut! When he was a teen his mom sat him down and said If your going out in the rain don't forget your rain coat & If your going into combat ALWAYS wear your helmet! He laughed at her but never forgot those words!

 

[palmtreegirl]

Oh and to answer the OP question no I don't think it's unrealistic to expect teenagers not to have sex. But I think it's very naive and unrealistic to expect them to wait till marriage.

 

[septbride2002]

Your entitled to your opinion just as I'm entitled to mine. At 15 she can make as many decisions as she like, but dh and I still have the last say so. Furthurmore,I would rather have her be a respectable young lady anytime than be like some of these young girls walking around knocked up and having oral sex as if it's going out of style because their parents think of them as adults just because they're teen in their age.

.

I'm not saying you are wrong - but you can't be there all the time. And while your daughter may be comfortable talking to you now if she does decide to have pre-maritial sex do you think she would tell you? Or do you think she would be ashamed because she is no longer "A respectable young lady"? Would she hide that from you? And then what else would she hide?

I decided to have pre-maritial sex at 16 years old - I told my mother almost immediately. I made the decision because I loved the guy and 8 years later I married him. I've never been with anyone else, it never even crossed my mind. I would not change the decision I made at 16 years old. I guess I wasn't a very respectable young lady

~Amanda

 

[Pongo69]

I'm not saying you are wrong - but you can't be there all the time. And while your daughter may be comfortable talking to you now if she does decide to have pre-maritial sex do you think she would tell you? Or do you think she would be ashamed because she is no longer "A respectable young lady"? Would she hide that from you? And then what else would she hide?



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amanda!
I expect my daughter to do the right thing. NOT that it's always going to happen but I do hope she wait to have sex. Yes we want her to have enough respect for herself to not go out there and spread her legs when she can wait. Nothing wrong with waiting is there?

Furthermore I wouldn't want to see her married and tied down at the age of 16 when she has her whole life ahead of her. I'm not knocking you for the choices you made, but your choices are not what I want for my daugther.

Regardless of all the talking and educating we do, it boils down to her making the right decision because her choices are going to affect her more than me.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

You realize that it is up to your daughter to make the right decision and yet you don't trust her to talk to her doctor by herself?

At what point do you start to trust her?

I have no problem with parents encouraging abstinence, but overly-sheltering and over-protecting is short sighted IMO.

 

[RachelEllen]

Originally posted by Pongo69
For every red flag raised by a pediatrician, there are those who understand and require the parents to be in the room.

Require? For an adolescent, I'd doubt it. Every major medical association recommends against it. Every doctor who treats children I've ever worked with (50+) requires private time with older teens. Perhaps you'd find someone who would aquiece to the parents presense. I'd say they are doing the teen a grave disservice.

Rachel

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

While everyone gives you great advice I'll just wish you lots of love and luck with this one.

Let me put it this way, there are no right and wrong answers to this dilemma you're facing.
I was raised in a strict household, NO BOYS allowed when mom and dad weren't around. We never EVER discussed sex or birth control......it was a very strict environment to grow up in.

I still got in plenty of trouble, drugs, alcohol and all that...ending up with a baby I gave up for adoption.


So I raised my child with lots of facts, trying to protect her but making sure she had the info if she ever DID decide to do anything stupid. We discussed it all with her while still trying to keep a reign on the boys-at-the-house when mom and dad weren't home thing.
She STILL got into plenty of trouble....a little bit of drinking and partying and ended up with a baby in HER life as well.


Honestly, to those who THINK they control their childrens lives with rules and regulations, with information about birth control or drinking.....I don't think you control as much as you'd like to think you do.

I think it's totally up to the maturity level of your child and whether they're truly LISTENING or not.

I wish you well.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

Originally posted by HauntedMansionGeek
While everyone gives you great advice I'll just wish you lots of love and luck with this one.

Let me put it this way, there are no right and wrong answers to this dilemma you're facing.
I was raised in a strict household, NO BOYS allowed when mom and dad weren't around. We never EVER discussed sex or birth control......it was a very strict environment to grow up in.

I still got in plenty of trouble, drugs, alcohol and all that...ending up with a baby I gave up for adoption.


So I raised my child with lots of facts, trying to protect her but making sure she had the info if she ever DID decide to do anything stupid. We discussed it all with her while still trying to keep a reign on the boys-at-the-house when mom and dad weren't home thing.
She STILL got into plenty of trouble....a little bit of drinking and partying and ended up with a baby in HER life as well.


Honestly, to those who THINK they control their childrens lives with rules and regulations, with information about birth control or drinking.....I don't think you control as much as you'd like to think you do.

I think it's totally up to the maturity level of your child and whether they're truly LISTENING or not.

I wish you well.

Very well said.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
You realize that it is up to your daughter to make the right decision and yet you don't trust her to talk to her doctor by herself?

At what point do you start to trust her?

I have no problem with parents encouraging abstinence, but overly-sheltering and over-protecting is short sighted IMO.

If I didn't trust her she wouldn't leave the house. If I didn't trust her she wouldn't go to the movies with her male and female friends. If I didn't trust her she'd be in an attic 24-7. If I didn't trust her she wouldn't be allowed to go to a midnight shutin at the skating rink until 6 in the morning.

She being the only girl and first teenager we ever raised I wanted to be there to listen to what was being said. That has nothing to do with trust, but being concerned.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by RachelEllen
Require? For an adolescent, I'd doubt it. Every major medical association recommends against it. Every doctor who treats children I've ever worked with (50+) requires private time with older teens. Perhaps you'd find someone who would aquiece to the parents presense. I'd say they are doing the teen a grave disservice.

Rachel

I don't care if you worked with a thousand not all pediatricians are not the same. For every pediatricians who want to shove medication down adhd/add child's throat you have pediatricians who don't agree with it. For the pediatrician who wanted to use prednisone for my kids asthama ,another pediatrician thought it was a bad idea and went another route.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I can understand that part, but it wasn't just going to be the doctor lecturing your daughter. It is designed as an opportunity for an adolescent to have an impartial person to find out information from, etc.

I'm sure the doctor could have told you essentially what topics would be discussed. Actual drug usage, actual sexual activity, depression and/or suicidal ideation. Unless you have an unusually open relationship with your DD, you are putting an unecessary gag order on her and that would concern most pediatricians.

 

[nkjzmom]

Expect the best.....be prepared for the worst.

 

[septbride2002]

Furthermore I wouldn't want to see her married and tied down at the age of 16 when she has her whole life ahead of her. I'm not knocking you for the choices you made, but your choices are not what I want for my daugther.

Just to correct you - I didn't get married at 16, I was 23 years old when I got married. I graduated from high school and went on to college and graduated from their with a BA in Business Management. My DH also went to technical school and got a certified in CADD. We both are hard work individuals and bought our first home at the age of 23 and 25 (respectively). Most people who meet us have a hard time believeing that we are now only 24 and 26 - they tend to think we are much older with all that we have achieved.

If your daughter makes the same choices I did - I don't think she would have anything to be ashamed of.

I know it sounds like we are picking on you - and I don't want it to be taken that way. I'm sure you are a great parent.

~Amanda

 

[oddball27]

I'm almost 15, and I have no intention to do anything before I'm married. There's no interest. I know better, and the Bible says not to. I'm perfectly fine with waiting. No drugs, no drinking, no anything. It has been very well taught here at my house. I know the effects of drugs {a few people I know from school get together with older kids and "get high" all the time} and drinking {a girl at my school wrekcked and died from driving drunk}.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
I can understand that part, but it wasn't just going to be the doctor lecturing your daughter. It is designed as an opportunity for an adolescent to have an impartial person to find out information from, etc.

I'm sure the doctor could have told you essentially what topics would be discussed. Actual drug usage, actual sexual activity, depression and/or suicidal ideation. Unless you have an unusually open relationship with your DD, you are putting an unecessary gag order on her and that would concern most pediatricians.

GAG ORDER please you show me a teen not running their mouth and I'll show you a flying donkey.

Seriously my daughter and I have an open book relationship. She can talk to me about any and everything. I know she talks to her friends about stuff which is a part of being a teen.

Regardless of the friends she knows I'm there to listen. Even if she has to wake me up to talk, I'm listening and will not pass judgement of her choices.

Maybe not to some, but I must be doing something right for her friends to bypass their mothers to talk to me about what's going on in their lives.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by septbride2002
Just to correct you - I didn't get married at 16, I was 23 years old when I got married. I graduated from high school and went on to college and graduated from their with a BA in Business Management. My DH also went to technical school and got a certified in CADD. We both are hard work individuals and bought our first home at the age of 23 and 25 (respectively). Most people who meet us have a hard time believeing that we are now only 24 and 26 - they tend to think we are much older with all that we have achieved.

If your daughter makes the same choices I did - I don't think she would have anything to be ashamed of.

I know it sounds like we are picking on you - and I don't want it to be taken that way. I'm sure you are a great parent.

~Amanda

Amanda believe me I don't feel as if I'm being picked on. My choices are mine and yours are yours. WE just agree to disagree.

Furthuremore, I stand corrected about you being married at 16. It's great you went on and finished school ect... I otohstill stand firm on not wanting my daughter to lose her virginity at that age as most girls including her friends have already.
Again I'm not knocking you for doing so, but I hope and pray that she'll continue to wait. I also trust her to do the right thing. Again it's up to her to make the right choices in life.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

I don't think it is unrealistic at all to expect teens to practice abstainance. I expect it from my teen and I will expect it from my eventual teens.

That being said, I do think it is unrealistic for parents to deny the possibility that, even though they do expect abstinence, the teen might still have sex.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

That is your perception and it might be true in your case. But, I wonder if your DD feels the same way. You know the teens are a difficult time, much like the terrible twos, where children are trying out their independence and seeking parental approval at the same time.

You obviously have strong opinions and I could see a child being intimidated/afraid to be completely open. Again, this might not be the case with your family, but it is families like that which trigger red flags for competent pediatricians.

 

[septbride2002]

oddball2 - I always find it interesting when someone says, "The bible tells me not to." I will admitt to not being very knowledgable about the bible - can somone give me some passages?

My religion told me not to (that being Catholic) but I have learned that what Religions teach and what the bible truly says are two very different things.

~Amanda