Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

Originally posted by RitaZ.
What's your opinion?

No.

My mother put it this way. You should respect your body and you should not let anyone do anything to your body that you are no 100% comfortable with but most of all do you respect that person and do they respect you.

I did not have intercourse until I was almost 22yrs old and it was with my now husband of almost 11yrs.

My view was that no one before him was worth me giving myself to.

I have a man who works for me that is in his late 20s and his soon to be wife is also in her late 20s and they are getting married in Sept and both of them are "virgins".

If you teach your children that they need to respect their bodies and that entering into a sexual relationship with someone is not something that should be taken lightly.

Of course this would involve parents having an open an honset talk with their children and not trying to scare them by saying things like you will burn in hell and stuff like that.

My point if you have honest talks and let them know that they can talk to you about their feelings and that it is their choice but that their are concequences for thier actions/choices and that they need to understand that entering into a sexual relationship should not be taken lightly it is then up to them.

So, can it be done? Yes. Is it easy? No.
 
Originally posted by Pongo69
WoW,,,,, I couldn't IMAGINE letting a 13yr old girl talk to a new physician alone for the very first time but that's just me. Carry on:D

It depends on the kid and the doctor. If I know the doctor and she wanted to go in by herself -- of course she could. If you aren't going to give a girl that's "becoming a woman" :D any privacy, I believe they will start hiding things from you. And you'll probably never know it unless something really bad happens.
 
Originally posted by aprilgail2



Wow,,,,I can't even IMAGINE having my parent come into the Drs examination room with me! How humiliating! I am glad my parents let me have time to talk to the Dr on my own and discuss things going on with me without having them interfering! I would never have discussed anything with my Dr if they had been sitting there in the room with me......man....thats as bad as having a parent in the room with your for a gyn appt!! privacy please!!

You said it, sister! I agree 100% because my mother was the type that tried to do this kind of thing but I rebelled! Oh man, this is making my stomach hurt from the memory of fights with my mom!
 
Originally posted by WebmasterAlex
I am kind of amazed by parents that don't get that point RachelEllen. I think it's all a matter of control and a lot of parents can't handle that fact that you start to lose control in the teen years. If a child isn't going to say something in front of their parents they certainly aren't going to say it to the doctor with the parent there. They will ask their peers or try to look it up online etc. Personally I would rather have them ask the doctor.

Well said Alex (and RachelEllen)! ::yes::
 

Now for a different spin on that question when should you start having your child go to the dr alone? My girls have a regular Dr so I have no problem with it, my oldest is 12yo. Should I start just asking her if she'd like me to go into the office with her?
 
Originally posted by janette
Now for a different spin on that question when should you start having your child go to the dr alone? My girls have a regular Dr so I have no problem with it, my oldest is 12yo. Should I start just asking her if she'd like me to go into the office with her?

That's what I did -- your kids might want you to come.
 
I have to agree with AuntPolly every child is different...one 15 year old my want and need their parent there while a 13 year old might feel more comfortable with some privacy...
 
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Forgive me, I haven't read the thread since I don't have time, I just wanted to put in my two cents.

Given the statistics that are out there, I think that it is unrealistic for parents to expect their kids to practice abstinence.

http://www.agi-usa.org/pubs/fb_teen_sex.html (I didn't have time to research where the site is from, but it has noted sources)

• The likelihood of teenagers' having intercourse increases steadily with age; however, More than more than half of 17-year-olds have had intercourse.

Honestly, most people I know my age are sexually active. It is much more effective to talk to your kids, let them know the risks, but still offer them protection and allow them to come to you with any questions/problems rather then tell them never to have sex. Your kids don't always listen to you, ESPECIALLY in the teen years, wouldn't you rather have them prepared?
 
Evil Princess, I think there's a distinction between expecting certain behavior out of your kids and being prepared for them not adhering to what you expect.

When my daughter is a teenager, I will expect her to abstain.

But that doesn't mean I won't prepare for the possibility that she might not. I'll make sure she's aware of the risks and how to protect herself. And of course, that she can always come to me to talk about anything.

In short, I think you're right about being prepared, but I'll still expect my daughter to abstain.
 
I guess it's the word "expect" that is giving me problems. I can see it used 2 different ways here.
I expect my child to abstain in the sense of "that's what's going to happen and I'm not going to tell you about birth control or anything else because I expect this"
or
"My expectation is that you will abstain".
It's a fine point but I think a significant one in this context.
 
Originally posted by NHAnn
Well said Alex (and RachelEllen)! ::yes::
ITA! ::yes::

As simple as it sounds, all kids are different. An idication/discussion of what is going to happen prior to the appointment followed by the question, at the appointment, of "would you like me to come with you or would you like to go in by yourself" would work wonderfully.

Also, I never had a pap when I was under 18.
 
I have a friend that believes that you shouldn't expect these kinds of things from your kid and we always argue about it. She says I'm a hypocrite because I had premarital sex (not when I was a teenager, though) and I tried drugs.

I tell her it doesn't matter if I made mistakes or not. It matters that I am a parent and I've got to try to guide my child in the best way that I can. If we don't set any kind of standards what kind of parent would we be?
 
I'm done with the doctor visit because it all boils down to us agreeing to disagree. Same as the spanking thread. Some of you think it's wrong to spank while others see nothing wrong with it. There is no right or wrong answer so raise your child how you see fit and I'll do the same.

As she goes thru the teen years, I'll continue to instill in mine that her body is a temple and to always respect herself no matter what.
I'll continue to educate her about diseases and what the consequences are for having unprotected sex and oral sex. I'll continue to tell her that she need not lay down with any boy just to prove herself worthy.
I will continue to instill in my daughter great values and morals that I hope carry on for generation to generation. I will continue to hope and pray she be her own leader and not a follower.

If the total opposite happens and she make the choices I'm against, that's her choice. I won't stop loving her because of it, but I would be dissapointed.

Again this is how I do things so noone has to agree with me, just as I wouldn't agree with a person expecting a CM to give them something for free while vacationing at Disney when knowing full well it isn't deserving. :D
 
Originally posted by auntpolly
I tell her it doesn't matter if I made mistakes or not. It matters that I am a parent and I've got to try to guide my child in the best way that I can. If we don't set any kind of standards what kind of parent would we be?
::yes::
 
Originally posted by Pongo69
As she goes thru the teen years, I'll continue to instill in mine that her body is a temple and to always respect herself no matter what. I'll continue to educate her about diseases and what the consequences are for having unprotected sex and oral sex. I'll continue to tell her that she need not lay down with any boy just to prove herself worthy.
I will continue to instill in my daughter great values and morals that I hope carry on for generation to generation. I will continue to hope and pray she be her own leader and not a follower.
Makes sense.

BUT, that doesn't mean the parent has to go into the room with a child and a doctor. The child should chose.
 
Wow, I go away for a week and look what happens...:teeth: ;) ;)

Perhaps my question should have been more specific. This question was meant to start a discussion and sharing of opinions about a subject that is obviously of interest to many here, especially parents.

I think it's all a matter of control and a lot of parents can't handle that fact that you start to lose control in the teen years.

::yes:: ::yes::
 
I know I am scared about the teen years definitely!!!! My daughter is 10 and already showing signs of growing up. Her harmones are at it 24 hours 7! As my aunt used to say for when her kid got to be a teen I think I will follow. I will move to aulstralia and live in the middle of nowhere and she won't be able to do whatever :smooth:

Ok I don't think I can do that. She moved to alaska and did it somewhat lol. But I will teach her what I think is right and hope and pray for the best. Did I say boy am I scared?
 
With no offense intended to those of you who met your soul-mates at a young age, in general, teenagers are not ready for all the ramifications of sex.

There are so many facets to this issue, that it's difficult to know where to begin.

What are the teen's reasons for wanting to have sex? Is it popularity? Is it because they don't want to be a nerd? Is it because "everyone else is doing it"? Is it those rarer cases where their SO is "the one" and they just happened to meet very young? Is it because they feel unloved and figure that a baby would give them unconditional love? Is it a self-esteem issue rather than a mature decision? And what is considered sex? Is it just intercourse? I must be honest...I wouldn't be any happier to know that my teen was giving or receiving oral sex than I would to know they were having intercourse. IMHO, oral sex is as much of an intimate sexual...behavior...as intercourse.

I also think there is a difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old in terms of sex, even though both are "teenagers" technically. Not that a 19 year old knows all there is to know about the world, but at that age, one would think that they are more independent, have had some life experience, been exposed to more sex education than a 13 year old.

I would probably convey to my children my beliefs and values. I would convey that sex is an adult decision, and they have really so few years to be young and enjoy themselves, why muddy the waters with adult stuff that they'll be dealing with for most of their life anyhow? But I would also prefer they speak to me for information rather than get it from their friends, or the Internet, or wherever else. I would prefer to be the person who is providing them with their exposure to sex education materials, whether they be written, or video, or allowing them to have a private discussion with a trusted physician or therapist, if that is what I felt they needed.

I did not have sex as a teenager. I had a friend who had a child at the age of 16, and I saw firsthand that it was not all that it was cracked up to be. She had a long, difficult run, trying to finish HS, get some sort of further education so she could make something of herself and support her child, and do it all while having to deal with the raising of a child. She missed the college experience, she missed the ability to travel and enjoy her 20's like the rest of us were doing...travelling, going out, and being young...because she always had this other little person to think about. She loves her daughter dearly, but has said more than once that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have had sex at the young age that she did.

Of course, the other issue with sex is the health-related one. Used to be that the worst thing you had to worry about was getting pregnant. Now you could actually die. If all these teenagers are running around having sex and doing drugs, then you have STDs and HIV to worry about.

I guess my best answer to the question is communicate, communicate, communicate. Have your expectations be known, but don't be surprised if they are not met.

Oh..and avenge yourself. Live long enough to be a problem to your children!;)
 
Disney Doll- I really like your response, so much in fact that I just had my DD13 read it. You really covered a lot of angles, and you said many of the same things that I'm always drumming into her head.

It's scary trying to raise a teenager these days. I agree, communication must take place ALL THE TIME, and your teen needs to know that it is okay to ask you about ANYTHING. I'd rather be the one giving the answers, (or her doctor or other trusted adults), and I want my teen to know where I stand on certain subjects. Whether or not she agrees with my values and morals, well, I can only hope and cross my fingers that she makes good choices in her life.
 
Originally posted by AmyA
Well, fast forward 3 years: I am 17 and my boyfriend is 18 and out of HS. At that point, we, as a couple, decided that we were ready to have sex. Fortunately, I grew up in a suburb of Portland, Oregon that, at least in the early 90s, was very progressive. We started getting BC education---a detailed education---in 7th grade and it was part of every school year from then on. We both knew the importance of and the actual logistics of protecting ourselves.

Fast forward 13 more years: my HS boyfriend and I have been married for almost 11 years. We have 2 great girls (8 and 3), 2 good careers, 2 cars, and one mortgage ;). We have never, ever, for one second regretted having sex when we did. I didn't feel like a slut, he didn't knock me up and leave me, and word didn't get around my HS that I was easy. We were older than some, younger than others but that is what worked for us.

This is a good anecdote by Amy and a strong parallel to the experiences that thousands of girls have, including that of most of my friends. We wait for the right guy, who doesn't knock us up, run off, or use birth control improperly. Sex serves a relationship function much like that of the young married couples of the generation before us, and we wind up marrying these men late in our 20s, when our careers are established. The average age of marriage among college educated women in New Jersey is 28. Do we realistically believe that women are waiting that long?

Thirty-six girls in my Catholic girls' school senior class ... we were taught that abstinence is a guarantee, but if you want to take your chances, condoms are available down the street at Planned Parenthood ... we are now 24, six of us are married, no babies among the entire set of 36. There are definitely socioeconomic factors at play with that, as well. Most of us have clearly and unapologetically not abstained since high school, for a variety of reasons ... some were in love, some were in lust, some were simply curious. Projecting forward to today, our boyfriends are uniformly fabulous, smart achievers from good families. We support ourselves, live on our own, have careers, medical school, law school, all of that. So what is it that you want for your daughters, really? If they exhibit strength of character, do well in academic and professional arenas, and fall in love with men you like and respect, is premarital sex a dealbreaker to you? Is it any of your business at that point? If not, when does it stop being a parent's business? 18, 21, time of financial self-sufficiency?

I also see an interesting contrast between drug education and sex ed. The DARE program, popular nationwide, teaches very detailed information about drug chemistry, usage, appearance, etc to kids in elementary and middle school ... pictures of marijuana, cocaine, descriptions of side effects, specific instructions about what to do and who to tell if you thought your friends were using. We seem to think that teaching detailed information about sex in school, even in the context of "don't do it," will encourage kids to do it. We do not seem to think teaching detailed information about drugs in school, even in the context of "don't do it," will encourage kids to do it. So what's the difference, really? Sex, drugs, feels good to do them, right?






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