Is it just me? Vent ahead!

[hereyago]

I am totally afraid to go off on her or dh...its one of those times where heavy breathing and mantra's won't help. I might have a stroke, I am so p'od about it.

Dh IS a nice guy..too nice.
Kelly

There is always going Julia Sugarbaker on someone, no yelling, heavy breathing, just a matter of fact way of "discussing".

Then there is just the actions speak louder then words way:tell them both one time that you will not be: givng her money, rides, no cooking, laundry for her, she needs to do this on her own. if she or your dh says something just walk away and go in the other room. they will see that you are serious. Then the next time she wants a ride or something, just look at her and walk away from her.

You may not change how they are, but you can change how you react or not react to her.

people who enable think it's easier just to let the person who demands stuff get their way, it's "less stressful", but in reality it is quite the opposite. Enabling takes a lot of energy to hold stuff in, avoiding the "confrontation".

 

[Andtototoo]

Well, this is the crux of the matter:

In the end, dh and his ex don't respect me and their children don't.

This girl can get away with it because her father has taught her to get away with it and you've allowed it from both of them.

But, at some point I am coming across as a doormat and that sure has to change.

Kelly

How do you think that's going to change when your dh doesn't respect you?

Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship -- work, home, everywhere. Without respect, you've got nothing.

 

[golfgal]

No, none of them have. She is the only one who is 'allowed' to. Any of the other ones would have been drenched walking in the rain to work. And they know it. This dd has always been the one dh has acted like no one could say boo to. He has actually stopped speaking to his mother for a while because she did not tolerate the crap one summer and basically told her she was a spoiled brat. He did not like it and did not answer his mom's calls for awhile. I explained to her what the problem was and she said oh well, he will get over it. He can't see she is a spoiled brat its his problem but she will never again treat me poorly. So there you have it.

Kelly

Good for you and if you feel like you start to waiver on that, come here and we will kick you in the rear...

There is always going Julia Sugarbaker on someone, no yelling, heavy breathing, just a matter of fact way of "discussing".

Then there is just the actions speak louder then words way:tell them both one time that you will not be: givng her money, rides, no cooking, laundry for her, she needs to do this on her own. if she or your dh says something just walk away and go in the other room. they will see that you are serious. Then the next time she wants a ride or something, just look at her and walk away from her.

You may not change how they are, but you can change how you react or not react to her.

people who enable think it's easier just to let the person who demands stuff get their way, it's "less stressful", but in reality it is quite the opposite. Enabling takes a lot of energy to hold stuff in, avoiding the "confrontation".

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Honestly, I would sit DH's little snowflake down and let her know some basic facts of life.

1. You are not required under anything to fund her college, you are doing this because you chose to.
2. That state may change for next semester, especially if the attitude continues.
3. Most importantly, if you ever get another call from her bio-mom accusing you of mistreating her due to lies that she's told, the gravy train stops and she can figure out how to wait tables.

I'd also have a talk with DH about how it's very hurtful to you that he'd rather make excuses for his snowflake's disrespect of you than stand up for his wife, because I really don't think that's right. You wouldn't ever let your kids be disrespectful to him, he should care enough about you to do the same, regardless of what snowflake's situation is.

I've found that most people are self-absorbed idiots as teenages (not all of course), but sometime somewhere they get an epiphany and realize that it's not actually all about them, everyone has stress in their lives, and people really appreciate it when then don't add to that stress! Those folks who are too narcissistic to have that epiphany are the idiots on their cell phones, or jerks at work. They don't usually get very far.

 

[hereyago]

And you have worked 2 jobs so she can go to school and her still act that way? Oh HECK NO. besides save for her insurance,etc what all does she pay for her school?

Drop a job, go on vacation just by yourself, treat yourself because apparently your DH and for dang sure DSD isn't going to be good to you.

 

[kellyg403]

Well, this is the crux of the matter: This girl can get away with it because her father has taught her to get away with it and you've allowed it from both of them.



How do you think that's going to change when your dh doesn't respect you?

Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship -- work, home, everywhere. Without respect, you've got nothing.

Harsh but true. So whats the solution? Dh knows that I feel like he and ex are the reason I don't get respect from his children.

I have left him, things are better and then go back to what they were. I have fought and cried and things get better, then go back to where they were. We have done counseling. Always the same, gets better, goes back. I really honestly am free of my personal committment I made in one month. I knew when I started that I would stay here until his youngest turned 18. I didn't want someone else running out on her. So I guess at this point, I can say nothing is ever going to change, the kids are just going to get older so I might as well leave the nest myself next month.


Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

And you have worked 2 jobs so she can go to school and her still act that way? Oh HECK NO. besides save for her insurance,etc what all does she pay for her school?

Drop a job, go on vacation just by yourself, treat yourself because apparently your DH and for dang sure DSD isn't going to be good to you.

She hasn't paid anything. I haven't asked any of the kids to pay anything freshman year. I wanted them to concentrate on learning how to be a college student. This is the part that counts for future employment. Yes, hs and all that counts. But this is it. I didn't get the chance to go to college, so I wanted all the kids to go. Except for my 2 yds who aren't college age yet, all of my children are either college graduates/attending. I would never ask her to do what I wouldn't expect my own children to do. I asked that they save their money from their jobs in hs. That is what gets them through freshman year. Its really not a big need, I have paid the tuition, dorm fees, meal plan. They have health insurance. So other THAN spending money, they are good to go.

I think a trip might be in order. My dsister asked me a couple weeks ago to go away for the weekend with her. She is going through teenage angst herself!

Kelly

 

[bumbershoot]

As far as a big talk about everything, let her Dad handle that, but I don't see one thing wrong with you telling her to drop the crap with you . : )

I think that after being in the household for so long, the OP gets to talk directly to the girl. Especially since it's the OP working to pay for college, etc etc etc.

My dad likes to "translate" for my stepmom and me, and I think it's weird. My stepmom and I disagree on some things, but we're fine not talking about them...my dad steps in and muddies the waters. My stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 7 or 8...she's allowed to just speak to me, and has been since, well, a long long time.

As for the laptop? Remind her that your DD's non-custodial parent bought her laptop. DSD should take up the "fairness" issue with her OWN non-custodial parent.

That's a REALLY good way to put it!

Its almost as if 'this time' when they do this their mom will finally send her 5 bucks or buy her something. That is not going to happen, maybe someday but I guess when you are a kid, you hold out hope forever.


And I feel like I get the brunt of it because she isn't.

We do not have public transportation but the college is a 10 minute walk from our house. On sidewalks.

Oh yes indeed that stuff can hang on for years, decades even. Holding out hope about a parent is something that CAN last a lifetime. My husband held out hope in his dad being decent until dad died. I held out hope for my dad, and even thought he'd changed, but recently I realized he hadn't. I'm done hoping. I'm 41, and this realization only truly hit this year (and maybe someday I'll have ANOTHER realization and I'll find out that this year was just a stepping stone).

My aunt and I talk about the men she and my mom were married to, and what it did to their kids. My cousin and I, our dads are/were very similar. My cousin still gets upset when her dad doesn't follow through with something. For me, that *waiting* left me when I read Adult Children of Alcoholics. Changed my life. I'm very realistic about my dad. He was supposed to visit over 2 years ago; I didn't tell my son then that granddad was coming, because I knew TOO well that he just wasn't. I can't rely on my dad to do anything unless he's actively doing it.

So YES, hope can hold out forever.


In a way, she's showing her love and trust for her, by treating you like this. She's got to be sure that you're not going to take away your LOVE for her, no matter how she treats you. Might be good for you to think of it in that way. I bet she NEVER treats her biomom like this, just like I never spoke up to my dad until this year, because of the fear that love will be taken away.

10 minute walk away from home? OMG. Walk, girl, walk!

I was *going to* suggest that you and DH buy a cheap, simple car that is YOURS, that you then allow her to *borrow*. That's what my mom did when I was in high school, then I borrowed my dad's car in college, then when I was in grad school and once my brother was in college (and not allowed to have a car there) I borrowed mom and stepdad's extra car. That way it's not you buying her a car, but she can have access to it, with you guys still being the gatekeepers.

But 10 minutes walk away? Never mind.

There are colleges that have parking lots that further than 10 minutes from campus buildings.

So true.

 

[manning]

My dad had a simple answer when I became a smart butt.

He said "You treat me like Cr%p, I treat you like cr%p. You treat me with respect, I treat you with respect" .....He was right, worked out fine.


Why are you taking her to school when there is the......school bus?

And there is the old story when I went to school...I had two school buses, I put shoes on them every morning. Of course for safety those days are gone.

 

[MrsPete]

I am paying because he mom promised and then didn't come through. Dh helped one of his other dd's this year that wiped out every cent of savings he had. He took in our grandd and then moved the parents back across the country, go them set up in a house etc.

I mean this in the nicest possible way: Y'all are acting like a couple doormats. Your family is walking all over you, and you are ALLOWING IT.

I agree with those posters who say that you need a weekend away from all this -- but not alone. You need to get away with your DH. You two need some time to reconnnect, see the big picture here, and make a better plan . . . together.

She hasn't paid anything. I haven't asked any of the kids to pay anything freshman year. I wanted them to concentrate on learning how to be a college student.

What about learning the lessons that don't take place in a college classroom? Like managing your own life? She isn't learning how to manage her finances, isn't learning to get herself to school and back, isn't learning anything about interpersonal relationships.

Holding out hope about a parent is something that CAN last a lifetime. My husband held out hope in his dad being decent until dad died . . . For me, that *waiting* left me when I read Adult Children of Alcoholics. Changed my life.

You're right about kids (and adults) holding out hope that family members will "improve". I have lots of memories of waiting for my dad to do this or that, him promising he'd do this or that, my siblings being hurt because he didn't do this or that . . . and the only reason we stopped waiting is that he died!

Yeah, I've read a great deal about children of alcoholics, and I am still AMAZED at just how clearly those researchers described my family. It did me a great deal of good to realize WHY I tend to react in certain ways, tend to have trouble in some situations, tend to feel strongly about various things. ANYONE who grew up with an alcoholic really should read as much as possible about this topic; it's insightful reading.

 

[*JoGo*]

I remember an old post about this school promise and you getting another job! Honestly, this goes WAYYY beyond a problem w/ the stepdaughter. This is a husband/relationship problem. Maybe your husband's problem that he needs to deal with on his own.

I think you really need to sit down and think about what YOU get out of this marriage. Go away w/ your sister. Think about it. Think about what would change in YOUR life if you weren't married to your husband and weren't responsible for his entitled off-spring and batty ex. More stress? Less stress? How old are your other kids that are still at home? Are they yours and his, or just yours? How would their lives be effected? Would there be less stress b/c there wouldn't be the fighting between you and stepdaughter, you and dh, you and dh's ex? Would you be around more often (you mention working nights to avoid stepdaughter in evening which also means not being w/ other children) What about financially? Could you support yourself and minor children? Quit second job? Save for retirement?

You have one life.

Do you want to spend the rest of your days working yourself to the bone to support his irresponsible, GROWN children? What does he do for you? What will YOU have in the end?

 

[badblackpug]

Oh jeez, Kelly, you are a reincarnated me. I so completely sympathize.

I essentially raised my ex's (note: EX) daughter from the time she was just about 2 until she was 12 (when we split up) and the story was much the same. She came to live with us about a month before her 2nd bday because her mother wasn't taking care of her (there is a very long story here) anyway.... until she was in the 4th grade her mother had very little contact with her. In the 4th grade her mother started picking her every other weekend. (at least that is what she was telling the boyfriend, in actuality she was picking her up with a different man in the car and dropping her off at her mother's for the weekend) Initially she was disappointed because her mother never followed through with promises, and she would repeat all the bad things her mother would say about me. The next year her mother had a baby and SD figured out how to win mom over to her side was to bad mouth me and lie and exaggerate everything I did to gain sympathy. In addition to that she then decided that in sympathy with her mother she would start treating me like crap. So not only was I hurt about the lies and the badmouthing and the treatment, I was doubly hurt by the fact my ex never defended me to either one. Ever. She, too, declared I was no-one and that she didn't have to listen to me or treat me in any type of decent manner. Unfortunately I could not put up with a child in my home who had no respect for me, nor could I put up with a grown man who didn't either.... and the rest is history.

So here is the little bit of advice I can give you, short of bailing on the whole deal....

NEVER, EVER interact with the bio mom. Leave that up to dad. Don't talk to her, don't email her, don't take her calls.

Teenagers don't like to listen and you will just get attitude. Write her a letter. (an honest to goodness one, not email that she can delete) and leave it in her room for her. Couch everything in "I feel" statements Tell her you love her as much as any of your bio kids. Tell her how hurt you feel when she says negative and untrue things about you. Tell her how hurt you feel when she gives you the silent treatment. Tell her that she has made it clear through her recent behavior and attitude toward you that she wishes to distance or sever your relationship. Tell her, that while you are sorry she feels this way, and that you don't really understand why, you will honor her feelings. Tell her that you will provide the necessities (food and shelter) for her until she is of age, as you are morally and legally obligated to do so, but you will not be providing any "extras" including transportation, laundry, housekeeping, phone service, etc. Tell her that once she is of age you will provide NOTHING, as you are no longer morally or legally obligated to do so. Since you are "no-one" to her, you have no obligations towards her.

Give your husband a copy of the letter and tell him that from now on he is solely responsible for his own daughter. That you feel hurt and disrespected by them both and to spare your own feelings you must sever this tie.

 

[kellyg403]

Well, I had a conversation with dh last night...it did not go as I wanted, but it did go as I thought. The basic reality is I explained to him that i wasn't altering my life for his daughter any longer. He is certainly welcome to do what he would like . School starts on Monday at 7 am. He and she need to make decisions. He said it is unfair to not take her where she needs to go because he is the one who said she can't have a car until she had some cash. I said it isn't unfair, she wants a car, she would be working harder for one. Right now, he is her car. I said if fairness was what he was looking for then he needed to drive to the 3 colleges that our other children attend andmake sure they get to class everyday. They have the same rule. So instead of making sure they get the bus everyday he needed to make sure they had a ride. If fair was what he was going by, then this was fair.

He is not speaking to me right now either. DD went out. and spent the night at her friends. Before she left, I explained to her that Sunday i was working she needed to get a ride to her religious hall and to work. She said she would speak to her dad. I said o.k. But, at least it was more than 2 words!

BadBlack Pug, you are so right about the ex. When she calls, i always know it won't be good. But i am like sd, maybe this time!


Kelly

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you for all the persectives. Her mom won't help with her college. Just the way it is. I have helped all my children the first 2 years of college, and I will do the same here. I feel like I do want them to have that. As a sophomore all of them have been required to have jobs and start paying for their expenses, most of them already had enough saved from summer/high school jobs. I never have expected them to use that for anything but those 'extras' we, as we grow up, would like. I think there is a time to understand want vs need and this has been my approach.

My dh feels like she is the youngest of his girls and there has always been a bit of babying going on. It is his child, I never interfere with whatever he feels is best. I would honestly say, even after all these years, I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells when there is a problem. Dh wants to instantly use the excuse of her mom not being around, she has had it rough..bull hockey. She has been here since she was 8. She has not wanted for anything, has always been given the same as the others in THIS house.

I appreciate all the words. I want to stop doing everything for dd. I do think it would be better. (I only used the step in this post because I figured it would make it clearer what the issue was). I never call her that in real life. Dh seems to think that I should be more understanding that she is jealous that my kids get extra's sometimes from their dad. He will be somewhere (military) and send them something from wherever he is, he saw that dd's laptop had some wear and tear from a couple years of back and forth to school, so he got her one, he does send things from time to time like a gift card for them to go to the movies. I just don't want to feel guilty or make them feel bad. She does have a 'real' mom, whatever that is, but I can't make her do anything. And I feel like I get the brunt of it because she isn't. Ultimately I do understand being a teen, having a hard situation with your mom, but it can't be an excuse to be a jealous person with a crappy attitude. I have noticed, even her friends are starting to drop off. Her attitude has gone from decent teenage attitude to nothing ever goes my way, nobody cares, I never get anything, blah blah. The punishment does not fit the crime sometimes.

As for the car. I have no idea why in the world she even thinks her dad would buy her one, he bought none of his other dd's one, none of my children have been given a car. We have a belief system when it comes to have 2000 lbs of steel at your disposal..maturity and a little bit of self investment. We do not have public transportation but the college is a 10 minute walk from our house. On sidewalks. The problem there is she can't walk in the rain or right now because its too hot. Her dad always makes sure she is dropped off at the door so she doesn't get wet! He doesn't want her to grow up at all sometimes. Its not going to help.

I don't know. Dh knows for sure that I blame a lot of this kind of stuff on him. Its really not about the girls. Its about the fact that I sometimes feel like the maid. But honestly, I feel that way about my kids fromm time to time! I just don't get the same dual parenting that I get from my ex, and its bothersome.

Kelly

Hmmmmmm.I read this and have already read your update. I think that you need to take a step back and look at this from the POV of an observer. Your DH is spoiled and undisciplined and you allow this nonsense to impact your life. You had a conversation with him and his response to to stop talking to you.because you will not agree to let his DD treat you like you are a servant.

You need to take charge of your life. Sit down with DSD and tell her that the party is over. She gets to choose her path, you have paid for her tuition but she needs to manage the rest of her expenses and her transportation. You are neither her taxi nor her bank account. Tell her that she needs to change her attitude because you are going to be changing yours. Tell her that you love her but that you are not going to accept her disrespectful behavior.

Then I would have Come to Jesus meeting with your DH. His choices are not helping your family situation, they are causing stress for you. It is not enough to tell him that you are not going to accept the behavior, you need to mean it. He cannot continue to make decisions that you are not supportive of and then sulk if you do not comply. You are working two jobs, not him. To be honest, if my DH chose to stop talking to me because I was exhausted and had had enough of the disrespect he would be praying that I chose not to talk to him. If I did speak he would need to replace the ear he lost.

Yes, I am resentful. To her mom.

I think sometimes I feel resentful and teenage attitude cause me to be upset with her more. When the whole college thing came about, the promises turned out to be not happening. DH did not have the money. So, I went out and made sure she got to go. I didn't want her to have debt. Its one of those situations right now where I am trying not to feel like a martyr...the whole look what I have done for you thing.

Honestly, if it was a bio child, I can assure you there wouldn't be a moment they would be continuing. Sometimes, I think that is why dh doesn't see what is right in front of him. Even his own mother mentioned it to him. But, because he is not going through it, he doesn't see it. She is nice to him and her mom. They are the best since sliced bread. The last few months, just me getting the brunt. I bought her sr pictures, had someone take them on the beach like she would like. She never picked any. She told her mom there weren't any taken, so I sent the CD. She requested a letter from the photographer on what date they were taken to see if I was lying. It just does not seem like I can win, whether I do anything or not. So may be I would feel better just NOT doing anything. Then I can't get butthurt about it. Then sd and dh tell me I have to remember mom in unwell. Only when it suits them it seems.

Kelly

The problem does not lie with the mother. The problem is between you and your DH, For some reason you are giving him a pass. He has allowed this nonsense to take place. The day I needed to prove I had paid for pictures would be the last thing I purchased for that person. Your DSD chose not to get the pics. IF this was my child she would be expected to reimburse me for the pictures and there would be nothing until that happened.

DH and I took in his nephew when he was 16 YO. He tried to play his Mom and I but that was a lesson in disaster for him. I told him he lived with me. The choice to live in my home was his and that he was going to follow my rules while he accepted bed and board. No calls to Mom if he did not get his own way. If he needed permission for something her was to get it from my DH or me. He knew we meant it but DH was on the same page. I had three kids and there was not difference between his nephew and my kids. Ever.

YOur problem is that you have allowed your SDS to think that her Mom plays a part in your home so now you need to let her know that is not the case any longer. But first you need to teach your DH that you are not going to be manipulated any longer either. Mom's mental health issues are not yours. If they want to consider her health issues when she does not then they are on their own in that little quest.

My theory is that your problem isn't with your DSD, it's with your husband. he is allowing this behavior to continue in your home, allowing his child to treat his wife this way???!!!! Tell him to grow a set.

Meanwhile, 17 or 18 years old is certainly old enough to have a little woman to woman talk with her. It can go something like this:

"I am sick of your attitude toward so from now on you are on your own. You need clean clothes, you wash them. You need a ride, you find it. You want a car, you pay for it. I have no intention of doing anything for someone who doesn't appreciate it".

And then stick with it. And if husband gives you grief, tell him to take a hike too and go back to his crazy ex so they can raise their nasty kid together.

You said this way better than I did. DH would have a better chance of breathing under water than getting me to accept the treatment the OP has accepted.

Honestly, I would sit DH's little snowflake down and let her know some basic facts of life.

1. You are not required under anything to fund her college, you are doing this because you chose to.
2. That state may change for next semester, especially if the attitude continues.
3. Most importantly, if you ever get another call from her bio-mom accusing you of mistreating her due to lies that she's told, the gravy train stops and she can figure out how to wait tables.

I'd also have a talk with DH about how it's very hurtful to you that he'd rather make excuses for his snowflake's disrespect of you than stand up for his wife, because I really don't think that's right. You wouldn't ever let your kids be disrespectful to him, he should care enough about you to do the same, regardless of what snowflake's situation is.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am paying because he mom promised and then didn't come through. Dh helped one of his other dd's this year that wiped out every cent of savings he had. He took in our grandd and then moved the parents back across the country, go them set up in a house etc. They were living with the mom but there was a problem and well, the rest is history. When time came to pay for school, there was none. Dh and I have separate accounts and one account for household/groceries etc. I have my account for savings and so does he. The reality is, we both came from bad divorces that took us a long time to get financially stable. I was adament from the beginning that I wanted to keep things as seperate as possible because I needed to to do that for me. I did not want to take the money from my children's college fund because no matter how you look at it, I needed to get another job to put it back so, why not just get the job and pay the bill.

I only drive her when her dad can't. Today for example I was off. Most of the time its all in dad's court. Next week when school starts, she will be in a world of misery because she will either leave with dh when he does at 4 am, dh will change his work schedule around somehow or she will walk. It will be an interesting week.

I know that I am considered her stepmom. Trust me I know that. But its really hard not to view her as one of my children. She has been with me for a long time. In the end, I am not. I don't want to end up being resentful, but its happening because my expectations are not something that were realistic.

Kelly

IMO, there are two financial things going on. Your DH desire to pay for everything (because he will now or later, understood) and your promise. Those two things put you in a stranglehold. Even if you think your stepdaughter's action negate the promise (which I think it should), your DH will end up paying for her one way or another and it will impact you and your family still.

Their (DH, ex, stepdaughter) expectations of you run deep. They have no expectations for themselves in regard to you. You are to give no matter what. It is all one sided. You are feeling resentment because you give, and give, and give and get nothing in return. You don't get the time of day or the smallest of considerations.

I can't imagine living with people in a situation like this. You are the one living up to the step mom's promise and your DH's promise. That's a heavy burden. On top of that, they treat you like you aren't even a person. You don't even get common courtesy that a stranger on the street should receive. I don't know how you have done it.

Harsh but true. So whats the solution? Dh knows that I feel like he and ex are the reason I don't get respect from his children.

I have left him, things are better and then go back to what they were. I have fought and cried and things get better, then go back to where they were. We have done counseling. Always the same, gets better, goes back. I really honestly am free of my personal committment I made in one month. I knew when I started that I would stay here until his youngest turned 18. I didn't want someone else running out on her. So I guess at this point, I can say nothing is ever going to change, the kids are just going to get older so I might as well leave the nest myself next month.


Kelly

I find the whole situation so sad.

If it were me, I'd be free of my personal commitment right now. If nothing but for the sake of symbolism that yes, you do matter too. The treatment you have received from all parties concerned would have negated any commitment I signed up for. Your involvement does not have to include mistreatment.

But even if that is not what you choose, it sounds like you have a plan. Have you talked to your DH about the plan? It does sound like you have been talking about the problem with him. But I wonder if you have shared with him how far he (and they) have pushed you this time.

Everyone has a line in the sand and all three of them have crossed it, repeatedly.

 

[golfgal]

I agree-on month is not going to change anything and my guess is you will fall back into the cycle before that month is over anyway...walk away now. No one in your "family" respects you--or your hard work to pay for THEIR nice lifestyle. Stop the checks, stop the rides, save your sanity....

I would also make sure you have changed the beneficiaries on any life insurance, retirement plans, etc. to YOUR kids--or a trust set up for the benefit of YOUR kids for the minor children. If you don't, your now DH gets everything and you KNOW that will all go to HIS kids, not your kids.

 

[badblackpug]

Honestly, I would throw out the "fair" or "equal" argument altogether. Everyone knows life isn't fair and you don't always get what everyone else gets. I would simply tell my husband that I refuse to go out of my way physically, financially, and emotionally for a person that refuses to treat me with the common courtesy that a stranger on the street would. Tell him she made has more than made her feelings about you clear and that you refuse to be her financier and her chauffeur. They have both made their decision regarding their feelings towards you and now they can both live with the consequences of their decisions. He can be the bank and the taxi or she can learn to work and walk.

 

[Disney Doll]

The problem's with your husband not the kid. If your husband treated you with repsect and demanded that the kids did, and didn't tolerate it if they didn't, then there wouldn't be a problem here.

 

[Nancyg56]

The problem's with your husband not the kid. If your husband treated you with repsect and demanded that the kids did, and didn't tolerate it if they didn't, then there wouldn't be a problem here.

I agree to a point. I believe that the OP is the on;y one who can change how anyone treats her. For some reason she has allowed her DH to treat her with disrespect. She has allowed her SD to do the same. The problem is not really her husband, he is not doing anything that she has not already "told" him is acceptable.

I have a neighbor who behaves the same way.She allows her DH to treat her like a servant. He is horrible to her adult children. She turns her money over to him and is granted a small allowance. He checks up on her constantly.

She comes to my home to complain and yet will do nothing to change her circumstances. I asked her what would happen if she had no money to turn over, would he stand bedside her if she was sick and could not generate an income? If she was not able to be the workhorse that she is now? She cannot answer that, he is money oriented. She believes if she does more, if she tries harder he will appreciate her.

I see the same thing with the OP. She would never allow her own children to treat her this way yet she is continues to keep trying to get her DH to place her first and to hope that SD will appreciate her efforts. IT is sad really. SHe got herself in this place and won't get herself out.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, OK Nancy, I see your point. I guess I'm looking at it from my perspective of my DH having my back & respecting me, so I don't have to "fight" for it or decide how I am going to allow myself to be treated.