Invited to Family Destination Wedding, to go or not to go?

[sam_gordon]

Sorry, guess I missed that post. It seems like most are feeling like, yes, the marriage is a special day, but the *wedding* does not have to be far away (when it could be close) then *expect*, basically almost demand, a close relative to be there and spend hundreds of $$$'s to do so, when they had already made family plans for the money they had scrimped and saved.

Sorry, I don't see where the OP's brother "almost demanded" she attend. I don't think it's wrong to expect siblings to attend a wedding, and I don't think it's wrong to be disappointed if they can't come. But, it would be wrong IMO to hold a grudge if they can't be there. And before everyone gets their panties in a bunch over "expect", I "expect" a lot of things to happen. I'm often wrong.

 

[Darcy03231]

From the OP's first post it sounded like her brother expected her family to attend his wedding in Mexico.

I have no issue with anyone having a destination wedding. I do have an issue with someone having a destination wedding and then expecting everyone to be able to attend. It's definitely up to the bride and groom where they want to get married, but they have to understand that if they pick a location that's expensive to travel to, some of their relatives and friends may not have the funds to go. I certainly wouldn't put myself or my family in debt to go to a wedding. I also wouldn't cancel and planned family vacation to go to a wedding either. I don't see anything wrong with graciously declining the invitation.

DD once said something about getting married in a tropical location outside the country (she's not even engaged yet so its not an issue right now). I reminded her that we have family members who she's very close to who wouldn't be able to attend due to finances and her future husband might have family in that situation as well. It was something she really hadn't thought about and after our conversation she decided she re-think it when the time came, but maybe it would be better to be married locally and then go on a tropical vacation for her honeymoon.

 

[SpecialK]

Exactly! To those saying family trumps a vacation, why doesn't the couple pick family over a vacation??? They are picking a place over family. Absolutely their right. But IMO, if they wanted all their families at the wedding, they'd make sure to plan a wedding the families can actually attend.

Good point.

 

[mjkacmom]

Apparently I jinxed myself just a mere 20 minutes ago. Said relative just called to say they aren't going to the wedding now. So now I scramble...not really sure I want to be doing the solo thing TRULY alone in a strange city. I can't seem to justify the cost of my tix, food, AND full hotel cost for 36 hours...and I really cannot justify for me and DH to go (plus there is nobody to watch the kids so we would have to bring them with. Hotel cost would be the same and kids could do McD's for 2 days worth of meals, but air tix plus...the wedding is in a pretty "adult" place...looking at $1000 for 36 hours) What to do what to do....

We spend over $1000 for DH to fly to NORTH DAKOTA (not exactly the vacation capitol of the world) and attend his step-niece's wedding. Flight was over $500, plus rental car (hotel was 2 hours from the airport), meals, and hotel. Plus a gift. We wanted to keep the peace.

 

[Disney Doll]

Did the step-niece live there? Because there is a difference between a "destination wedding" and a "wedding in a place where some guests might not live".

I see a destination wedding as a wedding in a place where neither the bride nor the groom has any ties. ie-Bride & groom live in NY but are going to get married in Jamaica (and not Jamaica NY! LOL!).

A wedding that takes place in the bride or groom's hometown where the majority of people are local but it might be a place that some guests have to travel to is not really a destination wedding.

BUt I do agree that sometimes we do things to "keep the peace" that we might not want to do.

 

[North of Mouse]

We spend over $1000 for DH to fly to NORTH DAKOTA (not exactly the vacation capitol of the world) and attend his step-niece's wedding. Flight was over $500, plus rental car (hotel was 2 hours from the airport), meals, and hotel. Plus a gift. We wanted to keep the peace.

If that is what it took to "keep the peace" it must be a difficult situation with more issues than attending (or not) the wedding.

We have missed some close family weddings because of distance, etc. (not destination weddings) but we are a large, but close family that is very considerate of each other and wouldn't dream of holding it against another if we could not attend. There is much more to life, and closeness, than one special day. And yes, I acknowledge that it is a *very* special day.

sam__gordon, yes, by the OP's brother saying she should have plenty of time to *get her monies* in order - sounds like command/demand type wording without coming right out and saying it.

Consideration and love works both ways, not just on the attendee's side.

 

[hegsag]

I would not be attending a wedding if it was going to be in Mexico. After all the stories on the news I wouldn't feel safe going to Mexico. I think destination weddings are great; however, the bride and groom have to know not everyone will/can attend. It would be unreasonable for your brother to think that everyone can attend. Yes, he's your brother but you have a family of 5 & you're not working.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

No the prevailing attitude is don't expect me to spend thousands of dollars to share yet another one of your special days

 

[Social Worker Sue]

If that is what it took to "keep the peace" it must be a difficult situation with more issues than attending (or not) the wedding.

Well said. I don't understand why a family member would get angry if you didn't spend your money and vacation time to attend their wedding?

"Use your hard earned money FOR ME, or the peace will not be kept". Sounds strange

 

[Social Worker Sue]

As I have said before, my sister and I are very close. I would expect her to be at my wedding, 1st or 9th. If my sister truly couldn't afford it, then I would find a way to pay for her (and I did, because it was that important to me for her to be there) If my sister declined to go because she didn't want to go there, or didn't think my wedding was important because it wasn't my 1st, I would be hurt.

I know you are kidding about the 9th, but at what point do people start thinking marriages are a joke?

I don't know if I could take a wedding seriously where the bride or groom is getting married for the 3rd or 4th or 5th time. At what point are the guests sitting there privately snickering because they have heard these "love each other forever" vows from the same person before.

Ofcourse, I am not talking about widowed people.

 

[mjkacmom]

Did the step-niece live there? Because there is a difference between a "destination wedding" and a "wedding in a place where some guests might not live".
)

Well, here's the issue - yes, the bride and groom lived there. However, they only lived there for a couple of years. Both of their families and friends were from 2 other (far away) states. The poor bride and groom got grief from both of their families, but it was probably easier than choosing one of the other states. 90% of the wedding guests were from out of town.

The bride would've been fine if DH didn't attend - his step-mom, not so much. I think she assumed we would all go! Blended families can be tricky, and we didn't want to cause any hurt to anyone (especially DH's dad).

I have to say, there are no issues of resentment in any of our families - everyone gets along with everyone - because most will go out of their way to keep the peace. Money is important, but family is more important to us. I was glad we could compromise, and just send DH, and make everyone happy.

 

[sam_gordon]

sam__gordon, yes, by the OP's brother saying she should have plenty of time to *get her monies* in order - sounds like command/demand type wording without coming right out and saying it.

We'll have to agree to disagree then.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, here's the issue - yes, the bride and groom lived there. However, they only lived there for a couple of years. Both of their families and friends were from 2 other (far away) states. The poor bride and groom got grief from both of their families, but it was probably easier than choosing one of the other states. 90% of the wedding guests were from out of town.

The bride would've been fine if DH didn't attend - his step-mom, not so much. I think she assumed we would all go! Blended families can be tricky, and we didn't want to cause any hurt to anyone (especially DH's dad).

I have to say, there are no issues of resentment in any of our families - everyone gets along with everyone - because most will go out of their way to keep the peace. Money is important, but family is more important to us. I was glad we could compromise, and just send DH, and make everyone happy.

Yep...I get it.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Very good point.

He can have as many special days as he wants. If he wants his family to be there then have it in a place that doesn't involve using their holidays (you get fewer holidays then we do in the UK don't you?). Also having a wedding and expecting your family to spend thousands to go to it is selfish to the extreme.

LOL! I agree.

I know you are kidding about the 9th, but at what point do people start thinking marriages are a joke?

I don't know if I could take a wedding seriously where the bride or groom is getting married for the 3rd or 4th or 5th time. At what point are the guests sitting there privately snickering because they have heard these "love each other forever" vows from the same person before.

Of course, I am not talking about widowed people.

 

[surfgirl]

We spend over $1000 for DH to fly to NORTH DAKOTA (not exactly the vacation capitol of the world) and attend his step-niece's wedding. Flight was over $500, plus rental car (hotel was 2 hours from the airport), meals, and hotel. Plus a gift. We wanted to keep the peace.

wow... better family than we are. We are having the exact same situation but adding that it is our spring break and the only time we can go away as a family. We (me) opted not to go and it IS causing hard feelings. However, while they don't call it a 'destination wedding' - it is. Neither the bride nor groom have ever lived there, it is a northern (ie. cold) location in late March, and 2 hours from the closest airport.

Maybe I should have been the bigger person, but it is just too much money and hassle for a wedding and 2 hour. punch and cookies reception.

 

[TheSchragFamily]

Let me clarify: I would probably go just about anywhere to attend a sibling's wedding. If we couldn't afford for the whole family to go, I'd go by myself. However, that is a CHOICE. I do think it's inconsiderate to ask people to travel far away and spend thousands of dollars just to attend a wedding...and it's horrible to EXPECT them to. I also feel it would be the height of egocentricity to expect that family members give up a long-awaited and already-planned vacation in order to attend. We've spent in the neighborhood of $1K to attend a family wedding out of state, but I would draw the line at $3-5K! And if there is a medical condition to consider and no one has passports...more food for thought. Passports are pricey! The child's doctor may frown upon travel out of the country, too.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Let me clarify: I would probably go just about anywhere to attend a sibling's wedding. If we couldn't afford for the whole family to go, I'd go by myself. However, that is a CHOICE. I do think it's inconsiderate to ask people to travel far away and spend thousands of dollars just to attend a wedding...and it's horrible to EXPECT them to. I also feel it would be the height of egocentricity to expect that family members give up a long-awaited and already-planned vacation in order to attend. We've spent in the neighborhood of $1K to attend a family wedding out of state, but I would draw the line at $3-5K! And if there is a medical condition to consider and no one has passports...more food for thought. Passports are pricey! The child's doctor may frown upon travel out of the country, too.

 

[Nola Girl]

DH's Godson had a Destination Wedding in St.Thomas. We were very excited as we go to St.Thomas often and loved having an excuse to go again. Well, our invitation never came. MIL told us they were keeping it small as not to put anyone in financial distress. Ok, I expected parents, maybe siblings but when the pictures hit Facebook there was a huge blow out in St.Thomas! We were very hurt. I don't think you can win when you have a destination wedding. Those invited don't want to go and those not invited want to be there.

 

[leebee]

People who choose a destination wedding usually know that not everyone is going to be able to afford to attend. Look at it this way: By having a destination wedding, the "happy couple" has basically decided that the location is more important to them than the people in attendance are. Go on your family vacation to Disney World without guilt!

At least you were invited. My SIL decided to get married in Las Vegas and didn't invite anyone (except her mom- for whom she paid), because she figured none of us could afford it. Several of her siblings felt it was a thinly-veiled excuse not to have to invite "the hicks" (as her new MIL had been known to refer to some of the family). Not nice, not pretty, not kind at all.

 

[surfgirl]

People who choose a destination wedding usually know that not everyone is going to be able to afford to attend. Look at it this way: By having a destination wedding, the "happy couple" has basically decided that the location is more important to them than the people in attendance are.

No they don't.

Two examples: my niece getting married this spring is bent out of shape that we aren't coming "because we have the resources to do so". She is choosing a 2 hour reception with punch and cookies due to budget but is happy to spend my money and expect me to come!

2nd example: Friends about 10 years ago - our kids were small (one just weaned) - wedding was in BVI's in June (because it was cheaper). The flight alone was $700/pp and the rooms at the resort were $300+ (off-season). Ever since then, we've been "punished" by the bride (we were friends with the groom) and they stopped socializing with us. We rarely see them anymore and it is clear she held a grudge.