Invited to Family Destination Wedding, to go or not to go?

[sam_gordon]

I'm not a second marriage hater, but the fact that it is a second marriage would come in to play when considering attending a destination wedding that will cost me $1000 of dollars and take the place of a planned family vacation. If I had seen my brother profess his undying love the first time around to a different woman, I'm not seeing how watching him do the same thing with someone else is a must attend event. Something local, sure, but asking me and my family to travel out of the country for it, no.

 

[Minnesota!]

This is exactly what I would do - and AM doing in April. Instead of paying for DH and my kids to fly somewhere we have no desire to "vacation", I am going solo, and rooming with a relative.

Saves money, but also doesn't cause any hurt feelings with relatives...

Apparently I jinxed myself just a mere 20 minutes ago. Said relative just called to say they aren't going to the wedding now. So now I scramble...not really sure I want to be doing the solo thing TRULY alone in a strange city. I can't seem to justify the cost of my tix, food, AND full hotel cost for 36 hours...and I really cannot justify for me and DH to go (plus there is nobody to watch the kids so we would have to bring them with. Hotel cost would be the same and kids could do McD's for 2 days worth of meals, but air tix plus...the wedding is in a pretty "adult" place...looking at $1000 for 36 hours) What to do what to do....

 

[SpecialK]

I wouldn't be going. We wouldn't be willing to take our one and only vacation in years somewhere we didn't want to go just to attend a wedding. Especially when it would be such a great expense. I think your family should understand that when they pick a destination wedding some people may choose not to attend.

I think you and your DH should talk and do what what you think is best for your family. I wouldn't even update this thread because what other people think simply doesn't matter.

Agree. Just tell your brother what you said in your first post.

 

[disneydee6]

Didn't read through all the posts. If there is any way you can arrange for just you or you and your spouse to go, I would try that, so that way you don't have to give up your WDW vacation.

I understand not being able to go to someone's destination wedding, but this is a sibling. Hopefully you will find a way to attend both

 

[Philagoofy]

OP, I hope your daughter's health/medical issues improve soon & that she remains healthy. And if you decide to go to WDW, that you all have a wonderful, fun time!

 

[hj0519]

It is a happy occasion, new start etc but -been there and done that-its a second marriage -all i would be thinking of is how much money this is costing and omg where in the world will the third wedding be?? They both had their "special day" the first time they got married and i think it is very selfish to expect people to fly someplace and spend thousands of dollars so you can have yet another special day.

Seriously? Sometimes I can't believe the attitude that people on this forum have about second weddings. What is so wrong with wanting to have another special day? And really, "omg where in the world will the third wedding be"?

I think it's sad that if you were in this situation, you wouldn't feel like your own brother deserved to have a special day with his new wife just because he's already been married once and it didn't work out.

 

[North of Mouse]

If your brother is so concerned that people will not come to his wedding, he should have it somewhere more convenient and affordable. I wouldn't give up my vacation to go to a destination wedding in a place I had no desire to visit. An invitation is just that...an invitation. It's not a court summons!

No way no how would I miss my brother's wedding. I would either go by myself, make a family vacation out of it, or save, save, save so I could attend.

And wow at the second marriage haters on this thread.

Where are the *second marriage haters*?

I haven't read any posts like that. It's like the first poster I quoted said. Be considerate of your family members and others you invite to your wedding and if you really want them to attend, make it a little easier. If you have to have your destination wedding, make it plain to others that you will understand if they cannot make it, period. My siblings and I are close, but we are also considerate of one another and would not expect such a thing.

You also have the priviledge to *save, save, save* (your words) to go wherever anyone asks you. As for me, I'll save to go wherever *we* want to go, not to a country I have no intentions of ever going to.

 

[North of Mouse]

Seriously? Sometimes I can't believe the attitude that people on this forum have about second weddings. What is so wrong with wanting to have another special day? And really, "omg where in the world will the third wedding be"?

I think it's sad that if you were in this situation, you wouldn't feel like your own brother deserved to have a special day with his new wife just because he's already been married once and it didn't work out.

Who said he did not deserve to have a special day with his new wife?

It's called consideration for others. He could have the wedding at home, *then* go to their *special* place for their honeymoon, and spare others the $$$'s and going where they have no desire to go. Or have their wedding there, and make it plain they understood that it would be too much to ask others to go. Have a nice reception when they got back.

 

[badblackpug]

I read the OP's update, and it sounds like a good plan.

A few things:

All your brother has to do is petition the court for permission and passports. The only reason the court would deny is if there was a reasonable suspicion that he would abscond to a foreign country with the kids. It's a PITA to have to do, but it's relatively straight forward.

I am one of those selfish, attention seeking, irresponsible people who had a destination wedding, and, yes, it was a second wedding. We actually did it for the exact opposite reason. We didn't want all the hoopla. It was a relaxed, on the beach in bare feet, sundress and shorts wedding with close family and friends. Read one wedding thread on the Dis and you will understand. There was no drama about who could/couldn't sit with whom, no one held a lifelong grudge because their kids weren't invited. No one boycotted the wedding because their mature for their age 2 year old wasn't asked to be ring bearer/flower girl. No one was offended that we did or didn't serve alcohol, or thought that our alcohol choice was tacky. No caterer, no decorator, no photographer, no venue. No one was offended because we didn't offer food to suit their dietary restrictions. No sweating people who did or didn't RSVP. There was one person to deal with. You tell her how many people and what you want, and it's done. It was casual and fun.

As I have said before, my sister and I are very close. I would expect her to be at my wedding, 1st or 9th. If my sister truly couldn't afford it, then I would find a way to pay for her (and I did, because it was that important to me for her to be there) If my sister declined to go because she didn't want to go there, or didn't think my wedding was important because it wasn't my 1st, I would be hurt. Again, we are very close, she has always been there for me, and I for her, but that is our relationship. If she didn't go I wouldn't hold a lifelong grudge, but, yes, I would be hurt. ...and before I get a million replies, I know that not everyone has that same relationship.

 

[hj0519]

Who said he did not deserve to have a special day with his new wife?

It's called consideration for others. He could have the wedding at home, *then* go to their *special* place for their honeymoon, and spare others the $$$'s and going where they have no desire to go. Or have their wedding there, and make it plain they understood that it would be too much to ask others to go. Have a nice reception when they got back.

Originally Posted by aprilgail2 View Post
It is a happy occasion, new start etc but -been there and done that-its a second marriage -all i would be thinking of is how much money this is costing and omg where in the world will the third wedding be?? They both had their "special day" the first time they got married and i think it is very selfish to expect people to fly someplace and spend thousands of dollars so you can have yet another special day.

This to me indicates that this poster thinks that they shouldn't have another special day, because they "had their 'special day' the first time they got married."

 

[SaraJayne]

I don't know about anyone else, but I've had a lot of "special days" in my life.

There isn't a quota/max number and once it's met, there are no more "special days" allowed.

That seems to be the prevailing attitude on this thread.

 

[North of Mouse]

This to me indicates that this poster thinks that they shouldn't have another special day, because they "had their 'special day' the first time they got married."

Sorry, guess I missed that post. It seems like most are feeling like, yes, the marriage is a special day, but the *wedding* does not have to be far away (when it could be close) then *expect*, basically almost demand, a close relative to be there and spend hundreds of $$$'s to do so, when they had already made family plans for the money they had scrimped and saved.

 

[joviroxx]

Its interesting to read the different family dynamics and different views. If one of my siblings let me know a year ahead of time that they were getting married in Mexico, down the street or across the globe, I would never feel they were being selfish and demanding I be there.

I would want to be there as much as they want me to be there. Family celebrations are special. I would happily change my year out plans. If this is how they want to get married, I would do everything I could to be a part of it. It just doesn't occur to me to see it as selfish.

 

[Minnie]

OP, I hope your daughter's health/medical issues improve soon & that she remains healthy. And if you decide to go to WDW, that you all have a wonderful, fun time!

Completely agree!!! Based on your comments OP I would definitely not give up the time with your family (DH and children) especially with a child with medical issues.

 

[okeydokey]

Its interesting to read the different family dynamics and different views. If one of my siblings let me know a year ahead of time that they were getting married in Mexico, down the street or across the globe, I would never feel they were being selfish and demanding I be there.

I would want to be there as much as they want me to be there. Family celebrations are special. I would happily change my year out plans. If this is how they want to get married, I would do everything I could to be a part of it. It just doesn't occur to me to see it as selfish.

The OPs family has a child with medical issues that she does not wish to take to Mexico. They haven't had a family vacation in three years due to financial difficulties. The OP has nobody to watch the children even if she and her husband went to the wedding instead of on the family vacation.. If the two of them could make it to Mexico, it could be another three years before they could do a family vacation, so six years wait for the kid. Is that what the brother really wishes for the OPs famly?

 

[focusondisney]

I spent close to $8,000 on my sister's destination wedding, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. She is my sister. Now, if I really couldn't afford it, I wouldn't put my own family's finances in danger, but I wouldn't miss it so I could go back to WDW. A week in Mexico sounds nice, and it's really fun to be there with the whole family for a special event.

You have plenty of time to get passports - everyone should really have them anyway. We haven't been on vacation in close to 2 years, and don't have one planned until November. It's not the end of the world.

Sometimes you make sacrifices for the sake of family (and a week in Mexico doesn't sound like a week on a chain gang). It's good to let kids experience different things, as well.

May I ask why everyone really should have a passport?? I made it to 54 years old without one. Only got one coz there was a possibility DH would have a business trip to Europe that I could go on. That fell thru over a year ago, so I never even used it. I live very near Canada; our state has approve licenses to cross the boarder. I dont do cruises or fly out of the country. I have NO desire to either. My parents are in their 80's--- yep, never had passports.

 

[joviroxx]

The OPs family has a child with medical issues that she does not wish to take to Mexico. They haven't had a family vacation in three years due to financial difficulties. The OP has nobody to watch the children even if she and her husband went to the wedding instead of on the family vacation.. If the two of them could make it to Mexico, it could be another three years before they could do a family vacation, so six years wait for the kid. Is that what the brother really wishes for the OPs famly?

Like I said, just different dynamics. In my family a vacation is about being together, I would just replace Disney with Mexico . But again, that's me. OP is from NE so either destination is a long flight away from home.

Now, if the fact that my child had a medical condition that wouldn't allow me to travel, that is another story but the situation seemed to have many other issues.

Again, Im not knocking anyone, I just said its interesting how we all have different dynamics. I never claimed one was better than another.

 

[focusondisney]

Honestly, I probably wouldn't go to the wedding. I think that, like other people have said, when you decide on a destination wedding (especially one that's out of the country!) you're kind of guaranteeing a bunch of people won't come.

My fiance and I want to be able to spend our wedding with ALL of our family and friends, so we're having it at a church that's convenient for everyone to attend. We decided to overlook a Disney wedding for this reason, and instead we will be going to Disney and on a Disney Cruise after our wedding.

I think that if you have to get onto a public forum and ask opinions of people you probably don't want to go, and that's ok. I would just go to Disney. If you're really super super close to your brother, then maybe I would choose the wedding over the vacation, but you can always see pictures.

Exactly! To those saying family trumps a vacation, why doesn't the couple pick family over a vacation??? They are picking a place over family. Absolutely their right. But IMO, if they wanted all their families at the wedding, they'd make sure to plan a wedding the families can actually attend.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Seriously? Sometimes I can't believe the attitude that people on this forum have about second weddings. What is so wrong with wanting to have another special day? And really, "omg where in the world will the third wedding be"?

I think it's sad that if you were in this situation, you wouldn't feel like your own brother deserved to have a special day with his new wife just because he's already been married once and it didn't work out.

He can have as many special days as he wants. If he wants his family to be there then have it in a place that doesn't involve using their holidays (you get fewer holidays then we do in the UK don't you?). Also having a wedding and expecting your family to spend thousands to go to it is selfish to the extreme. I had never heard of covering the plate til I came here which seems mad enough, you don't ask people to cover the plate for other celebrations do you? But to expect such a large expense of your family is mad. Someone mentioned spending $8000 to go to her sisters wedding when my sister married I didn't have £800 let alone 8000 so I would have had to pass if she had wanted that sort of money.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't know about anyone else, but I've had a lot of "special days" in my life.

There isn't a quota/max number and once it's met, there are no more "special days" allowed.

That seems to be the prevailing attitude on this thread.

No the prevailing attitude is don't expect me to spend thousands of dollars to share yet another one of your special days