Invited friends over Christmas day and in-laws are upset

[shortbun]

I give both sides of the family a private time with our family for Christmas. I think your in-laws will get over it but you've made them feel unnecessary or incidental. It's good that they said something. Maybe you can modify your time with them somehow to give them some exclusivity.

 

[mafibisha]

we have it both ways...

In my family, it's usually 'just family', and we all feel like it's a group decision if someone outside is invited, no matter who is hosting. We don't look at it like "it's my house/their house, they can invite who they want". We all look at it like it's *our family* christmas (where it's being held is irrelevant), and we'd all have to agree to something like that. I'd never in a million years invite my neighbor-friends to a family christmas I was hosting, and I know my brothers/wives or my mom/stepdad wouldn't either, or would ask the rest of us "hey, this person will be alone - can we include them?"

In dh's family, it's more like whoever is hosting has the say, and we're 'guests' there, the same way a neighbor/friend/extended relative would be a guest there. And that's ok too. There aren't any 'group' decisions with dh's family.

It's just different family dynamics. Neither is right or wrong.

But think about how you would feel if your MIL was the usual host of your christmas day, and you got there and they had a few other older couples over there too, who weren't too kid-friendly, and your kids didn't get grandma/pa attention, etc, because they were chatting w/ the adult friends.

With another family of 6, it's going to be more like a playdate than Christmas, and if that's what you want, that's ok. But just realize that's what you're setting up.

GREAT post.

 

[ancestry]

It really comes down to preferences, priorities, family traditions, and culture. None of the situations that posters have explained are right or wrong, in my opinion. They just are different. It sounds like the priorities, traditions, and preferences that the OP holds are different that those of what her in-laws may hold. Neither is right or wrong but resolving them so that all are happy is the challenge.

When I was growing up, Christmas was an intimate family occasion. I've continued that tradition with my children as much as possible. Thanksgiving is our big blowout invite anyone over holiday but not Christmas. Christmas is just those who live in my house unless of unusual or extreme circumstances (i.e. I had a friend once who was going through a divorce and had NO where to go -- so of course I couldn't allow her to be alone.

Ultimately it is the OP's house and she should do as she wishes as long as her wishes are more of a priority and of more importance than her in-laws wishes.

 

[maddiesmom0116]

Why are you celebrating that day? I mean, what is the brunch for? Christmas, right? The birth of Jesus. I have a hard time imagining that Jesus would say that if someone is not a member of your genetic family they should not be allowed to be invited to dine at your table.

This is not about choosing between your in-laws or friends. It is about the joy and love of Christ's birth. What matters is celebrating the meaning of the holiday.

Great point!

 

[windycitymom]

Sounds like some people are saying, "No room at the inn"...now where have I heard that one before? Let's not forget the reason for the season.

 

[Scurvy]

Sounds like some people are saying, "No room at the inn"...now where have I heard that one before? Let's not forget the reason for the season.

I don't think that is what anyone is saying. I like for Christmas to be a family holiday. I like that we all come downstairs and open gifts in our pajamas, which we would never do if there were other people there. I like that I can just be myself instead of being uncomfortable with people I don't know well. If I knew someone who didn't have anyone else to be with on Christmas of course I would want to include them for some of the day, even though it would be less comfortable for me. It's the nice thing to do. However, the OP was talking about a family of 6. Obviously they do have people to spend the day with - each other - and their invitation isn't about charity. There's nothing wrong with including friends - or friends of friends, or perfect strangers - in your Christmas celebration if that's what you enjoy. But there's also nothing at all wrong with the less social of us preferring to keep Christmas morning a family holiday.

 

[jodim]

We have our Christmas at my parents every year. My folks, brother and I, along with our families all have Christmas 1-2hrs before our other guests come.
We get some time for just our family, no kids have hurt feelings from not having gifts under the tree (ours open theirs first, then they go the car) and we can still enjoy our friends and extended f

​

amily.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Just recently, someone to whom I'm not related said to me, "I remember holidays at your parents' house!". I'd forgotten, but when we were kids, my mom had everyone over - not grandparents (the local set was gone and the other set traveled rarely, and never at the holidays), but relatives, friends, and friends of friends. And she never let guests dictate who else would/could be invited.

Good to see the OP's mother-in-law has relaxed