Invited friends over Christmas day and in-laws are upset

[SDSorority]

Don't you love the holidays?? UGH.

 

[windycitymom]

As you can see from all the responses, it just depends on how people feel. Years ago, we had neighbors who didn't have any family in town (they have since moved away). We invited them to join us for Christmas dinner. However, we had my parents over for the morning breakfast, opened gifts with them, and just hung out. We then had "others" come over around 3:30 pm for dinner at 5 pm. We felt we had plenty of family time. We also have an older family friend who is single (no kids, never married) who joins us. I'm one of those people who doesn't mind having others over - the more the merrier!

Most people leave after dessert, then our family settles into our pj's and watches movies.

 

[DCLbrideSept2009]

DH and I have a very close friend (kind of the reason we met each other) whose family is a couple hours away. He mentioned the other day that he wasn't going to his family's until Christmas night... we feel like NO ONE should be alone on Christmas Eve or Christmas, so we invited him over with our family. He lives alone, isn't married and has no kids. If we hadn't invited him over, he would be alone on Christmas Eve. (He's doing volunteer work Christmas Day and then heading to his family's or we would've invited him over for Christmas dinner also!) My parents have done the same thing, had single friends over on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day who had nowhere else to go. I also have a very good friend (family of 5) who have spent Christmas Eve with us before because they have no family here. Our thinking on this is "the more the merrier"!

 

[Metsfan520]

This is what I was thinking, as well. Honestly, if I were them I'd probably be a little unhappy at first. They are used to this being a family tradition, and a day they spend just with family, and now it won't be. You are close enough to consider the neighbors family, but they aren't. I'm not a hugely social person and for me a day spent with just family is fun and relaxing, but a day spent with people I don't know well is somewhat stressful. I would be disappointed if our family Christmas turned into Christmas with my family and their friends who I'm not close to. I'd probably feel like a third wheel.

OP, it's your house and you absolutely should be able to invite anyone you want to, but a family Christmas isn't a typical hosted event, and the whole family tends to feel more "ownership" (for lack of a better word) of it than they would of some other event. Yes, your inlaws are your guests but I'm sure they feel like it's their Christmas, too, and this probably isn't their first choice of how they would want to spend it. They could be disappointed that this has changed from the day they were looking forward to into something different. I'm not saying you're wrong, because you aren't. But I think it's understandable that they aren't thrilled with the change.

I agree with you. OP, of course you're not wrong to invite some friends over, but I can understand why your IL might be a little upset.

 

[MomToOne]

For many years, our Christmas Eve was just for our immediate family - my parents, myself and DD10, my other 4 siblings and their wives/husbands/kids.

My brother started hosting it once my parents moved away for awhile, and grandkids started coming along (he had the biggest house and the only place we could all stay comfortably). Even once my parents moved back to the area, he continued to host because now my parents were too old to handle the work. We'd have a very big, very loud dinner (the best kind to us ), then exchange gifts amongst ourselves. Christmas Eve was even better than Christmas Day in many ways!

But my brother is VERY social, unlike many of the rest of the family. One year he threw a kink in the plan when he announced on Christmas Eve morning that he had invited a couple of friends over to join us for the fun. We all felt a little funny at the idea of strangers "intruding" on our somewhat out of control family dinner and gift exchange. But since the deed was done, we sucked it up with just a BIT of grumbling...

And it turned out fine. It actually made it all more fun to have fresh blood there to listen to the same old family stories My father - one of the biggest grumblers - actually ended up enjoying having them there the most. I guess it didn't hurt that one of them was a pretty female that made sure my father had whatever food and drink he wanted all evening LOL

I suspect your in-laws are just feeling the same way we all did when we first heard about the outsiders coming. But then maybe they'll end up enjoying it when all is said and done too

Or not.

 

[Kit'smommy]

Wow...so sad you can't invite who you want to your house without being made to feel bad about it.

Enjoy the day as much as possible.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Some people don't like change. I say it's your choice. Your house and your party. The invite was already issued so there isn't anything you can do anyway so they need to get over it and have a great holiday! I hope your party goes well!

Lisa

 

[brockash]

I can see where your IL's are coming from. They are going from being the "guests of honor" to now feeling like the fifth wheel. They are going to be very outnumbered.

Instead of the inlaws spending some fun time with their grandkids - they'll be playing with the other guests that are over.

My sister, who hosted thanksgiving, invited over a friend of hers and due to a number of odd situations - (sister and BIL are just about ready to file for divorce) it was awkward.

Yes - it is your house and you can invite anyone you want. Please keep in mind - your inlaws are feeling slighted.

I agree. Do your in-laws know the friends that are coming over? If not, it does put your in-laws in more of an awkward situation. I'm sure they were coming over to see and spend time with the kids, and I'm sure the kids will now rather play with the friends then play with their grandparents, so I can certainly see where they're coming from. You are correct that it's your house, your rules, but I personally would never do it.

 

[luvthemouse71]

My family has always been very open and we include everyone. I love that it's like this. I can not imagine anything else- if the inlaws are insecure and jealous, that's not the OPs fault. Maybe they're upset because they can't nag freely with other people there?

 

[mafibisha]

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If it were me I would invite the friends over another time, or later because I would want my ILs to be able to spend a little bit of Christmas with their grandchildren. When we have friends over the kids disappear and hardly spend any time with the adults. That being said, I think its possible for your ILs to be mature about it enjoy whatever time they spend with you guys.

This is exactly how I feel. I wouldn't like spending Christmas Day with my DD's friends, particularly a family of six. Eight kids would probably drive me to drinking! I wouldn't feel comfortable and it would spoil Christmas for me. I want to spend Christmas with my family, not my family and their friends.

This is what I was thinking, as well. Honestly, if I were them I'd probably be a little unhappy at first. They are used to this being a family tradition, and a day they spend just with family, and now it won't be. You are close enough to consider the neighbors family, but they aren't. I'm not a hugely social person and for me a day spent with just family is fun and relaxing, but a day spent with people I don't know well is somewhat stressful. I would be disappointed if our family Christmas turned into Christmas with my family and their friends who I'm not close to. I'd probably feel like a third wheel.

OP, it's your house and you absolutely should be able to invite anyone you want to, but a family Christmas isn't a typical hosted event, and the whole family tends to feel more "ownership" (for lack of a better word) of it than they would of some other event. Yes, your inlaws are your guests but I'm sure they feel like it's their Christmas, too, and this probably isn't their first choice of how they would want to spend it. They could be disappointed that this has changed from the day they were looking forward to into something different. I'm not saying you're wrong, because you aren't. But I think it's understandable that they aren't thrilled with the change.

ITA with the above posts.

My DSIL and brother are going through something similar. Their kids are all young adults (college through mid-twenties.)

They can't get together nearly as much as back in the day when the kids were little, and they cherish those *Family* times. They love friends but Christmas is sacred (well yeah, it actually is!) and there are 364 other days in the year to socialize with friends.

My DSIL frequently says she has new appreciation and understanding for her parents and our parents since her kids grew up. Then she warns DH and I that we too will be there sooner than we'd like

 

[fakereadhed]

It has always just been family on Christmas Day with DH's side(6 families), and for years his mom hosted. Then his sister took over and she invites 3 other families over. To be honest, I think it's kind of uncomfortable because we only see them once a year and they keep to themselves and don't interact with the family. BUT I would never say anything! It's her house, and her rules.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

They live very close as a matter of fact we saw them last weekend. Of course if we didn't see them that often I wouldn't invite anyone else over. I just wanted to see what others thoughts. The friends of ours are neighbors and are like family. We spend weekends together and our children are the same ages so it makes it so nice.

Your in-laws are probably upset because you do see these people all of the time and you are treating Christmas just like another weekend with your friends.

So instead of grandma and grandpa spending Christmas Day with their family, their grand kids will instead be playing with their friends and your time will be split as well.

But hey, like everyone on here so graciously says it's your house and no one has the right to tell you what to do and who cares if the in-laws are upset.

 

[C.Ann]

Before giving my opinion, may I ask if your children are your IL's only grandchildren - or only grandchildren living close enough to spend time with on Christmas Day?

The answer to that could really sway my opinion in one direction or the other.. Of course you're free not to answer that question, if you would rather not..

 

[Nicolepa]

My MIL does not want anyone over who is no her family. Yup, that means when they decided to come for Christmas, she does not even want my family to come over. I am an only child so it's not like my parents can choose to go to a siblings house instead.

This is so foreign to me. I grew up in a house where you never knew how many you were having for the holidays. The more the merrier.

 

[mafibisha]

Your in-laws are probably upset because you do see these people all of the time and you are treating Christmas just like another weekend with your friends.

So instead of grandma and grandpa spending Christmas Day with their family, their grand kids will instead be playing with their friends and your time will be split as well.

Just spoke to my DSIL and mentioned this thread. This is exactly what she said too.

She added that its helpful to imagine yourselves being the inlaws someday, which might help you understand their perspective.

 

[nunzia]

This is what I was thinking, as well. Honestly, if I were them I'd probably be a little unhappy at first. They are used to this being a family tradition, and a day they spend just with family, and now it won't be. You are close enough to consider the neighbors family, but they aren't. I'm not a hugely social person and for me a day spent with just family is fun and relaxing, but a day spent with people I don't know well is somewhat stressful. I would be disappointed if our family Christmas turned into Christmas with my family and their friends who I'm not close to. I'd probably feel like a third wheel.

OP, it's your house and you absolutely should be able to invite anyone you want to, but a family Christmas isn't a typical hosted event, and the whole family tends to feel more "ownership" (for lack of a better word) of it than they would of some other event. Yes, your inlaws are your guests but I'm sure they feel like it's their Christmas, too, and this probably isn't their first choice of how they would want to spend it. They could be disappointed that this has changed from the day they were looking forward to into something different. I'm not saying you're wrong, because you aren't. But I think it's understandable that they aren't thrilled with the change.

I agree with this..certainly you can do what you want and it's nice to have your friends over to share the day. But I also know how I feel when I'm at gatherings with different groups of people mingled in. It changes the dynamic every time the groups are mixed up. For us, we have DD's ex husband, his father and her new boyfriend over for Christmas morning and it all works well. Whenever we are all together with our son's wife's family, although they are very nice, they just clump together in their own separate group, so it's a bit odd, and then our son has to bounce back and forth betweent he groups so he isn't neglecting anyone. As grandparents, I know that if my daughter invited us and some friends over, even though I like the friends, I feel quickly out of place, left out of their discussions and really not time with the kids since they are playing with the other kids, which is fine, then I'd pretty much leave much earlier than I would otherwise. Which, again, is fine. But you also can't expect people who maybe are not as social as others to be able to jump into a holiday celebration with strangers.
We do our holiday things with friends on other days during the season and then keep with just family on the actual day. Again, you certainly have the right to invite who you wish, but I do understand why your in laws would feel like the tradition was changed and that they will feel excluded from the festivities.

 

[mjbaby]

This strikes me as one of those occasions where grown-ups (which the host/hostess and ILs certainly are) may well feel upset about something but decide in the spirit of being an adult to not pout about it but rather put on a smile and make the best. The host and hostess have a right to open their home as they see fit on a holiday occasion - when the festivity, menu and decor ensure that it is decidedly not just a regular weekend with friends - and the ILs have a right to be a little let down. Here's the thing, though: the ILs do NOT have a right to be whiny and pouty about it. Nor does the hostess have a right to bring additional people into the mix without some effort to make sure that all her guests are included fully in the festivities. You can't just add folks to the list and let the chips fall where they may.

Instead, they have an opportunity to see their grandchildren interact with peers - something that, if this visit is such a big deal, they likely don't get to see experience. Moreover, they'll be happy and excited to be together, which could be very joyous for all involved. They may also make new friends, taking the opportunity to be friendly with others in a younger generation and be remembered fondly. To this day I am friends with numerous of parents and grandparents of my college friends (we are no longer young!), because they were welcoming and understanding influences. And let us not forget, sometimes when we entertain strangers, we are also entertaining angels

As for the hostess, she also has an opportunity to teach her children to be attentive and respectful of their grandparents even in the presence of friends. She can demonstrate that there are no "preferred guests" and that everyone needs to have their coats taken, glasses filled, questions answered and escorted to the table. If a new board game is to be taken for a spin, grandma and grandpa should be invited to play along.

Basically, there's enough that both parties can do to make the situation not only work, but be very pleasant. As a culture I think we've lost the "tribal knowledge" of how to be good hosts and guests, not to mention some of the social imperatives that used to be taught as a matter of course. Go, enjoy, keep pouting to oneself and make pleasant conversation with everyone at an event - it's amazing how much more "social" and engaged one could feel.

 

[bdcp]

Why should the inlaws feelings trump the OP's? It's the OP's home and it's their choice who they spend it with in their house. My parents have had not only my inlaws, but my two sister's husbands's families over for holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) for years. My sister's sister in law and her son and his wife came one year for Thanksgiving. No big deal. I'm no more related to them than I am to my friends as we see them every 5+ years. My inlaws have always had friends and friends of their kids over for all kinds of family events. Some friends treat people better than their own families do.

I think you should do what YOU want to do for Christmas as long as your DH is onboard with you, that's all that's important.

As for Nicolepa, I don't know what to say to your post. That's extremely selfish of you MIL to tell you you can't have your own family over.

Do some people really need to be the center of attention all the time? That is really childish behavior. Wow.

 

[jodifla]

I completely understand why the in-laws are upset. It's not always easy to share an important family holiday with strangers. As a PP said, the dynamic changes when you introduce others. Yes, OP's house, so she can do what she wants, but I'd still respect my in-laws' feelings.

If I were doing this, I'd have a 90 minutes or so when it was just family before the friends came over. That way gifts can be exchanged, and the in-laws can have some one-on-one time with the grandkids before their friends come over to play.

 

[Belle5]

If I were doing this, I'd have a 90 minutes or so when it was just family before the friends came over. That way gifts can be exchanged, and their can me some one on one time with the grandkids before their friends come over to play.

I think this is an EXCELLENT compromise!