Interested in your opinion on this matter

[delilah]

I have been married for 30 years. My husband recently started taking taekwondo the past 3 months. My son had been taking taekwondo for about a year before he started. Taekwondo is on Tues and Thurs evenings and Saturday morning. The class my son attends lasts from 6:30-7:30, and when I take him if dad is not available, we get home by 8. Since dad has started, the two of them have been getting home at 11:30 or so. There is a second class from 7:30-8:30 that they have been attending. My son is 10 and in fifth grade this year. As it turns out, my husband has befriended a single (!) mom in the class who has a daughter (!) a year younger than my son, and they have been hanging out at her house after the classes. My opinion is simply that this is inappropriate. A ten year old doesn't need to be out until 11:30 playing with a child of the opposite gender. It would still be iffy to me if it were a boy his same age with a married set of parents, but, the situation just makes me real uncomfortable. I have been having discussions with my husband that in my opinion it is possible to have an affair without actually having sexual contact, and that is what is going on.

Now, over the weekend, we had our parish festival, and this woman worked in the same area as we did both Saturday and Sunday. My husband finally introduced me to this woman, and was a bit put out that I didn't great her with open arms. Well, I think I showed admirable restraint in not telling her to keep away from my husband if she knows what's good for her. My husband and I are Catholic, and our son attends the parish school. She is not Catholic, but her daughter attends the school, and this is where the situation gets sticky.

My friends at work tend to agree with me that the situation is inappropriate. I am wanting to talk to my pastor about it, individually, because I am finding it very difficult to deal with. However, my friends are making things easier to take. They offered (joking, of course) to go beat up the woman for me.

I don't know, but it seems mighty suspicious that she just happened to work at the same time in the same place at the festival. We have lots of friends at church, and we all didn't work at the same time in the same place. Too much coincidence for me, if you know what I mean.

 

[akhenaten]

totally inappropriate!!!!

you need to address this asap!!!!

 

[NMAmy]

I have been married for 30 years. My husband recently started taking taekwondo the past 3 months. My son had been taking taekwondo for about a year before he started. Taekwondo is on Tues and Thurs evenings and Saturday morning. The class my son attends lasts from 6:30-7:30, and when I take him if dad is not available, we get home by 8. Since dad has started, the two of them have been getting home at 11:30 or so. There is a second class from 7:30-8:30 that they have been attending. My son is 10 and in fifth grade this year. As it turns out, my husband has befriended a single (!) mom in the class who has a daughter (!) a year younger than my son, and they have been hanging out at her house after the classes. My opinion is simply that this is inappropriate. A ten year old doesn't need to be out until 11:30 playing with a child of the opposite gender. It would still be iffy to me if it were a boy his same age with a married set of parents, but, the situation just makes me real uncomfortable. I have been having discussions with my husband that in my opinion it is possible to have an affair without actually having sexual contact, and that is what is going on.

Now, over the weekend, we had our parish festival, and this woman worked in the same area as we did both Saturday and Sunday. My husband finally introduced me to this woman, and was a bit put out that I didn't great her with open arms. Well, I think I showed admirable restraint in not telling her to keep away from my husband if she knows what's good for her. My husband and I are Catholic, and our son attends the parish school. She is not Catholic, but her daughter attends the school, and this is where the situation gets sticky.

My friends at work tend to agree with me that the situation is inappropriate. I am wanting to talk to my pastor about it, individually, because I am finding it very difficult to deal with. However, my friends are making things easier to take. They offered (joking, of course) to go beat up the woman for me.

I don't know, but it seems mighty suspicious that she just happened to work at the same time in the same place at the festival. We have lots of friends at church, and we all didn't work at the same time in the same place. Too much coincidence for me, if you know what I mean.

Yes, it's wildly inappropriate. I don't think you need to talk to your pastor or to the woman nor do I think her religion is at all an issue here but you need to talk again, more strongly to your husband. He needs to cut it out and he needs to quit dragging your young son along and using him as an excuse to hang out with this woman. Frankly, I'd be throwing a major hissy fit at this point.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[DawnCt1]

If you are uncomfortable, he is giving you a reason to be. Husbands do not need to "be friends" with single women. You are right, your DS doesn't need to be friends with a young girl, nor staying out that late at night. I would have a "one on one" with DH and tell him that his friendship needs to end now. If it means changing his tae kwon do night or his do ha? (sp), then that is what you expect. If he tells you that you are being unreasonable and suspicious; you can say, "maybe I am, so lets get an objective opinion; together you can see your priest if you feel that he has skills in that area. If he refuses to go, tell him you will go on your own but DS will be home after his class, and you expect him to be with him. Good luck.

 

[All American]

Inappropriate.

ETA: I saw you wanted advice. I don't have any. I wish I did, so here's a hug and some pixie dust for clarity to help you figure this situation out.

 

[darlak]

Completely inappropriate. I would be upset if this situation involved only my husband and his new female friend, but add my child into the scenario and I would be furious.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Inappropriate, and absolutely too late for a 5th grader to be out on school nights.

I'd find a new taekwondo place, or switch his class to a different time. If you've never needed to doubt DH in the past, it might be that it's totally innocent or he's just feeling flattered about the extra attention. Could you three plan to go out together after the practices for a soda, etc.?

If DH will agree, maybe joint counseling to get his side of it out to a neutal third party?

Hang in there.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

IMHO there isn't one appropriate facet to this story.
What is your DH thinking? Have you had a conversation about this with him?

 

[ChristmasElf]

So, maybe you can go and watch your DH and son take their Tae Kwon Do lessons for a few weeks.
Maybe while they are in class, you can pop in with dinner for the 3 of you to take home and eat promptly at 8:30 when your husbands class ends?

Toss in a few casual comments to the woman like "My husband loves it when I drop in to watch the class"
Or "My DH and I can't bear to be apart, so I ___________" Make something up.
She will get the hint even if your DH doesn't.

You could always just threaten her with "I have had my 3rd degree Black Belt for years, now hubby wants to finally get his" "Oh and by the way, leave him alone, or I will be practicing my moves on you" that sort of thing....

 

[trip]

Totally inappropriate!!!! Your son and husband need to come home right after class.

Could you join the class - make it a family event.

 

[akhenaten]

So, maybe you can go and watch your DH and son take their Tae Kwon Do lessons for a few weeks.
Maybe while they are in class, you can pop in with dinner for the 3 of you to take home and eat promptly at 8:30 when your husbands class ends?

Toss in a few casual comments to the woman like "My husband loves it when I drop in to watch the class"
Or "My DH and I can't bear to be apart, so I ___________" Make something up.
She will get the hint even if your DH doesn't.

You could always just threaten her with "I have had my 3rd degree Black Belt for years, now hubby wants to finally get his" "Oh and by the way, leave him alone, or I will be practicing my moves on you" that sort of thing....

she needs to address this with her husband...... he is the one who took vows with her!!
I like the suggestion of a different tae kwan do school....

op have you spoken to you husband about this at all yet??

 

[TwinsinCA]

Unless you are working or have a few other small children to watch, I would start taking a BIG interest in both your son's and husband's classes and be front and center at every one.

It is a horrible position to put your child into, but I would be asking some specific questions about what is going on over at this woman's house. Are your son and the daughter given a video and the two adults go off somewhere? Or do they all hang out together talking/playing games/etc.?

No matter what they are doing your husband is out of line. It could be innocent, but this is just not something a married man should be doing. Good luck.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

The simple fact that it sounds like DH didn't tell you where he was going, with your DS, after the classes, screams inappropriate to me!

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable and he seems to disregard your feelings is just not OK. Let alone that he was more concerned about how you treated the woman than how you feel.

You need to ask yourself a lot of questions before you can get answers from him, like:

Is he breaking long standing rules that you have agreed on (ie...the staying out so late with or without DS) ? Is it normal for him not to call after a class, or other event to let you know he's on the way home? Is it unusual for him to even be interested in something physical, like Tae Kwon Do? What else about this situation is unusal?

I am personally not above spying! LOL! But seriously, whatever you do, after 30 years he should have a lot more respect for you than this. I hope you find out he is just feeling flattered and he snaps out of it!

 

[famofsix]

You are wise to question what is going on

 

[matthew&haleysmom]

Inappropriate behavior from your husband. I never really question my DH's comings and goings because I have never had any reason to. If this situation happened around here, I would be hurt. Then, I would get to the bottom of it.

Hope this all works out!

 

[disykat]

Like everyone else, I think it is wildly inappropriate. It's not okay to get a girlfriend just because you drag your child along to chaperone.

IMO he's setting you up to be the bad guy. 3 votes for the friendship (4 if you count her daughter) and only you seeing how inappropriate it is. Making you the bad guy makes it easier for him to justify his behavior. Pretty soon it's a classic "my wife doesn't understand me" story.

I think you need to involve a professional ASAP. Your pastor or a counselor pointing out to him that this is not appropriate may hold more weight than you at this point. He has her saying it's fine, you saying it's not, and him only thinking with his ego or elsewhere. A third party might clear it up for him and, at the very least, let him see it for what it is.

I don't think it matters what is going on, there may not be any specific inappropriate activity. It's wrong that two nights a week he's not coming home, but rather going to another woman's home. That is enough to be a problem.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I am sorry that this is going on. You have every right to be concerned and have those concerns addressed by your husband.

As a pp state I would ask your DS what goes on over at the house. Obviously this needs to be done in a very subtle manner but, it seems like your dh is already withholding information.

 

[Michelle67]

I think this is one of those situations that really fits my husband's favorite saying: "if you keep going to the barber, eventually you are going to get a haircut." There may be nothing going on, and your husband may not have intent, but it is the kind of situation that can lead to something. I agree with everyone else that it is inappropriate. Speaking with your pastor may be a good idea if you feel that your husband would respect his counsel where he may not be respecting your feelings in the situation. With or without the pastor, you definitely have to take a stand with your husband, IMO. I'm pretty appalled for you that he was upset that you didn't greet this woman warmly at the church function. Ummm, hello? What exactly were you supposed to say? "Oh HI!!! It's so NICE to finally meet the lady my husband has been staying out late at night with! Thank you for showing him such a nice time every week!" Seriously?

I'm sorry if the following is an unwanted comment, but...my ex did exactly this same thing, taking our daughter with him to visit a single female "friend." He ended up having an affair with her. I also hate to say that my experience is that when they are angry at you and implying that you are being unreasonable, unfair, clingy, possessive, etc., they are blowing smoke to cover their own guilt and make you look like the problem.

I hope I am wrong about all of that, and your husband is just being kinda clueless. If so, I hope he gets a clue real quick.

 

[RNMOM]

Wow. You have every right to be upset.

First, I would find another Tae Kwon Do school and enroll your son. DH can follow along. Second, if they don't make it home, I would go over to her home and knock and ask for your son. I would then take him home and tell her he is not to be visiting anymore as he has school in the morning. I would then look her in the eye and tell her your family would appreciate if she were to leave you all alone.

I agree with getting your priest involved. Your husband need to hear this from someone else about how inappropriate it is. I would hope they can also have a discussion with this woman and "explain" how she is interferring with a marriage.

Good luck and keep fighting for your family.

 

[Keli]

Oh please, I cannot believe your dh has the gall to look you in the eye and imply there is anything 'ok' about the situation you descibed.
I can tell you what I would do, I would attend each and every class with dh and ds for a while. I'd let dh know that any visits to the female friend are out.
In other words, I'd stake out my territory and let this 'friend' of dh know that she needs to back off. Most women don't want that kind of confrontation when they go hunting for someone else's husband (and that is what she is doing!). In all likelihood she'll move on.