Ok,
I need something from all of you. Something has happened for me. This happened yesterday but I was so numb I couldn't say a thing. Ready, here we go. When I decided that I had to face men. I lost a man. (This makes me smile with irony - I lost two friends when I came out with the "it's not about you being gay of course". Of course, we've only been friends for twenty years at the time from grade three and I've just come out and you're leaving and it has nothing to do with me being gay.) Obviously pain still there.
. These were close close beyond close friends.
He was my friend. I loved him. He loved me. We had known each other since he was eighteen/nineteen. Periods where we fought and he ran. But back in touch in 2003. So we were close. Then my choice to face myself really shook our friendship. We needed to stop talking. He's married. Nothing happened at all. It's just that we couldn't be so close anymore with this flip in me. Honesly, I think we were both so cushioned. I was gay, thought that was my life hand's down, so we could be that close sort of deal. We could finally say things that we never had the guts to before.
But it was handled in the most immature way. By him. He put a load of anger about it and mirrored as another issue. Ie. It upset him but he made it about me. Instead of dealing with his feelings. Which he obviously had many. Went after my core - my being. Tried to scare me about men. Tried to make it an awful choice. Tried to tell me how difficult it was out there. Pretty well told me I would turn someone off talking about the abuse like I would ever bring that up on a date. (He healed a lot in me) And I refused to sit and swallow. I knew firing back would make him run. Always has. But I come first despite tha pain of losing. I come first.
So I defended myself. Maturely. Not fueled in a awful place. But strongly. Like you're not going to piss on me. And he refused to talk to me ever again. With silence not words. And I had just lost so many through death. And it felt like a death. And stung.
It was absolutely the right decision to end our friendship. He has a wife. She deserved all of him. He was giving/I was taking parts of him. That's not right. However, I needed a goodbye so that I could feel sad but smile about what we shared. He refused to give that to me. And by the way if any of you, I doubt it, but if any of you are cutters. Or have simply cut to run. Apologize or try to change your ways. It's the most cruel thing on earth. So abusive. Silence instead of a simple goodbye - so cruel.
Anyway, I'm needy. So cutting breathes fire into needy. I so wanted a goodbye. Begged for it. Baraged for it. And after baragimg him left it. It's been a couple of years.
I haven't been in contact. I sent a happy birithday once. But nothing else.
Facebook. Jean found him there before I joined. The story from last month. His picture has a baby in it. I was touched, happy for him. And this week after some soul searching I sent a short note saying that I don't want to converse don't worry. Made that clear. I always thought that part was a good decision. And that I saw his picture and that he's now a father and that I didn't know whether to say a thing. But screw it that I wanted to say how happy I was for him and I simply wanted him to know. (this decision to drop short clear lines was a good one for me guys. I don't regret it. And without going into detail it was about me more than him. Decided my "rules" in life)
I expected no response. Didn't need one. It was sent from the heart without needing anything. Not about him. About me.
His response was to block me. Don't argue about this. I know 100%. I went to show Jean his new pic (she was the one who found him on there before I signed up) . You know those dime size ones.
I know. My friend could see him. I can't. And by the way I can't block him. Fu@@ed system because I can't. I want to block now . And now he can unblock at any time if he wanted to check and I can't do a thing about it. Facebook. I didn't know it would bring drama. I just wanted to see friend's kids pics - nieces pics.Sometimes I sit and think "are we really adults?".
I am shook to the core. Shook to the core over the intensity of the feelings to block me. Send three lines. Didn't ask for anything. Didn't want anything. This is huge for me.
I'm not well guys.
This is what I need. I need I'm okay. I need it's not going to take me off track. I need that men are okay. I need that men are okay. My decsion will work out. I need that I'm not going back in a shell. I need to have a wonderful time in Vero Beach. I need that you will all not let me slip. I'm slipping. I feel void. Totally flatlined. I will have the feelings when they come. Need to. And please don't do this by saying he's an a$$ or not worth the time. He is an A$$.
I need you guys big time.
Oh Lisa. Don't let one person dictate how you feel! You have come so far to let this happen. Give him the perverbial middle finger and laugh. Yes, you will have a good time in Vero. Don't you dare go back to your shell! You do not want me tracking you down.
Hang in there!
I mean, I know universities, right? And there is ALWAYS a health food store within walking distance of a university.
Have a turkey in the oven. A turkey. I can't even tell you the last time I cooked a turkey. But, I was at the store the other day, they were on sale and just sounded so good. Now, my tummy is rumbling and I'm getting a hankerin' for pumpkin pie! 
I have no good words right now. You are, right now, in a place that scares me like nothing else ever has. I too have seen it. With Stephen's grandparents. His mom's father had Alzheimers, and lived with is parents for a while. SO hard. And his dad's Mom, had a massive stroke. Survived. But for what? To live this shell of a life in a wheel chair, couldn't speak, hardly feed herself. That's not what she wanted. Her brain was all there. So horribly sad to see. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 
You must think I'm the strangest woman on the planet. 
