Imposing house rules on invited guests

[disykat]

No, I have friends that are open, tolerant, and who care about my comfort and happiness...

I know it probably seems like I'm picking on you, but as several of us have pointed out before - tolerance goes both ways.

 

[GoodFairies]

Honestly if they cant hold off for a weekend....

See, I don't look at it like that...it doesn't have anything to do with sex. It has to do with the point at which it really just becomes ridiculous.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

See, I don't look at it like that...it doesn't have anything to do with sex. It has to do with the point at which it really just becomes ridiculous.

It may be ridiculous to you, but not to your sister. She is trying to raise her kids a certain way and may not feel comfortable with you two in the same room. My DH and I lived together before we got married and I can see your point. However, I can now see your sisters point. SHe is trying to instill something in her kids that she believes in and if you sleep in the same room and not married that she is not going with her belief. Then your sister is not setting a good example for which she believes in. Did you get that? It is hard to explain in writing.

 

[Antonia]

How about providing the two rooms to them and then let them choose to sleep however they wish. That way you've provided the two rooms and then it is up to them.

 

[DisneyPhD]

It may be ridiculous to you, but not to your sister. She is trying to raise her kids a certain way and may not feel comfortable with you two in the same room. My DH and I lived together before we got married and I can see your point. However, I can now see your sisters point. SHe is trying to instill something in her kids that she believes in and if you sleep in the same room and not married that she is not going with her belief. Then your sister is not setting a good example for which she believes in. Did you get that? It is hard to explain in writing.

I agree.

It isn't about sex, it is about setting an example for the kids of the house and showing them what is expected of them (you sleep in the same room with someone when you are married.) Even if her kids know of your current agrangment, allowing it to happen under the walls of their family house is setting an example that it is ok.

It is hard enough to raise kids with good morals now a days at it is with all the infulance on T.V., movies and other media. What parents show aproval off and support does infulance kids opinions of what is right and wrong.

 

[FayeW]

I agree.

It isn't about sex, it is about setting an example for the kids of the house and showing them what is expected of them (you sleep in the same room with someone when you are married.) Even if her kids know of your current agrangment, allowing it to happen under the walls of their family house is setting an example that it is ok.

If she has already allowed her 11 year old daughter to stay with the OP and her BF in THEIR home, where the usual sleeping arrangements were undoubtedly upheld, it's kinda late now to be concerned about whether or not the OP might set a bad example for her children.

 

[GoodFairies]

I guess I just assumed that my age and living arrangements put me outside the moral side of it. We aren't fooling anyone (including at least one of the nieces). Guess I just thought there could be a way to raise your kids with morals without potentially alienating someone.

 

[littleclover]

My 11 year old niece knows perfectly well of my living arrangements--she has stayed overnight at our house before. .

So what is the deal when your niece comes over?? Why is it acceptable for you to sleep together with her there in your home but not when you are visiting?

I understand what she is trying to teach her daughter but don't understand the logic. For family sake, I would deal with it during the visit time but probably would not be a happy camper.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I guess I just assumed that my age and living arrangements put me outside the moral side of it. We aren't fooling anyone (including at least one of the nieces). Guess I just thought there could be a way to raise your kids with morals without potentially alienating someone.

Maybe she changed her mind and doesn't want her DD to see that, now. I don't think she is trying to alienate you.

 

[GoodFairies]

So what is the deal when your niece comes over??

My niece only stayed here once, when she was around 5. They haven't lived in this state since then, so it never came up because there was never an opportunity for her to stay here or anywhere near here. Either that, or they are okay with the "amoral" side of it when they need a sitter.

 

[pearlieq]

The thing is, it has nothing to do with sex for me--I don't think we'd be doing that as a guest in someone's house. It's more about comfort--DH and I lived together for about 18 months before we got married and since then I can't stand sleeping without him. I get lonely and I don't sleep as well. There's just something about knowing he's there next to me and being able to hear him breathe.

I know it's just a couple of nights, but it's a dealbreaker for me. Plus, it really would make me feel like my host doesn't accept me. It would be different if I were asking them for a place to stay--then I really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But if I'm an invited guest, I don't expect those kinds of strings to be attached to their offer of hospitality.

I do understand that tolerance goes both ways. I won't put my feet up on your furniture, I won't go poking through your fridge without permission, I will arrive with a hostess gift, buy you at least one dinner, and send a thank you for your hospitality. But I draw the line at being treated like a child and being told who I can and cannot associate with.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I honestly don't know what the big deal is about having to sleep separately from someone for a few nights. Yes the host who is stipulating that unmarried guests should sleep separately is making a judgment (that people who aren't married shouldn't sleep together), but if the host is polite about it, and tells them in advance (like my mom does--she cheerfully tells my brother and his gf that she is looking forward to their visit, is cooking up all sorts of great meals and cookies, etc. and by the way will be setting up the spare bedroom for gf and the office futon for my brother), what's the problem? My brother and gf occasionally choose a motel, occasionally stay at mom's and sleep separately--everyone does just fine. No one is "alienated" (though I'm sure my brother and gf hope my parents will give up on this eventually), my parents feel comfortable that they are living out their personal beliefs in their own home, everyone has a nice visit, and my brother and his gf get to exercise their right to sleep in the same bed the other 361 nights out of the year.

I like to think I respect others' beliefs and wishes when I am a guest, whether I agree with them or not. I take off my shoes when I enter the home of someone who requests that . I don't bring pork chops over to a potluck at my Muslim friends' house. And on and on. I just figure I can stomp all over my own carpets in my boots, and then eat pork chops, in my own home all the other days of the year. Not a big deal.

 

[GoodFairies]

I don't think she is trying to alienate you.

I personally don't feel alienated, that's why I wrote "potentially." Just asking for opinions.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

My 2cents - if they are trying to set a moral example for their young children - then abide by their wishes.

I had to laugh at this thread - my normally extremely uptight and moral dad - (in his 70's) had my nephew (his grandson) and girlfriend come to visit from out of state a couple of years ago. Dad gave them the choice - there were two rooms made up and they could each have their own rooms or have whatever sleeping arrangements the girlfriend was comfortable with! I almost fell out of my chair when I found out!

It was just unbelievable - my parents are SO straightlaced when it comes to "sleeping arrangements"!

 

[Keli]

You know this sort of thing kinda hits home for me and I'll tell you why. Due to my spiritual beliefs I feel that you should not engage in pre-marital sex no matter what age you are. I would not allow an unmarried couple to sleep together in my home. Not because I have small children but because I find it morally wrong. I don't pretend to be the 'moral police' for the world, or anyone, actually but I do feel I have the right, even the responsiblity, to try to control the things that go on in my home. But because I know there are plenty of people in the world that would find seperate sleeping arrangements to be a burden or plain unacceptable I would not be offended in the least if they chose to stay somewhere else. And I would hope that they understood my position well enough and liked me well enough to still come and spend daytime hours with me and my family.

Also, although I am not sure I would make the same choices as the OP's sister I can see the point in allowing my dd (when she was small, she's grown now so the point is moot for real life in my case) to spend the night with an unmarried couple and yet not letting that same couple spend the night together in my own home. The point is that I find it morally wrong so I don't allow it in my home but I allow others the right to make their own moral decisions. I wouldn't be trying to shield my dd from knowing people that aren't married have sex, I would be trying to show her that we each have a right to make the decisions about what goes on in our own homes. Just like I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my home but I would go to a smokers home and visit and not think twice about it.

 

[Shutterbug]

In my opinion if you are inviting me to please come visit and stay, you are inviting all of me that includes my beliefs. Dont invite me to your home only to say, " okay now that you are here you have to live this way"

 

[HappyMommy2]

In my opinion if you are inviting me to please come visit and stay, you are inviting all of me that includes my beliefs. Dont invite me to your home only to say, " okay now that you are here you have to live this way"

This is a very intersting thread. After reading through it I'm seeing a real difference in philosophies about host and guest.

One philosophy seems to be what Shutterbug said above, that basically the host should honor the guest by deferring to the guest.

The other seems to be that guests are just that--guests--and are kind of treading on someone else's ground, so they should honor the host by deferring to the host.

I guess the key is striking a balance. What is worth getting offended/upset about, and what is worth bending a little bit on? Interesting.

 

[totalia]

Somehow, saying that two committed but not married people cannot sleep in the same room together seems to be a reaction to prepubescent teenagers. Adults are not teenagers. if two people have been together a while, what is the problem with it?

When I was a teen, my boyfriend had to stay overnight because there was a storm outside so bad that he probably would have crashed the car if he had gone out in it. You couldn't see a foot in front of you, it was raining so hard. He had to stay in another room.

And that was fine because we were still kids (only 18).

But when I was 26, my boyfriend (different boyfriend) wanted to come and visit. My mother tried her it again but she and I had a long discussion on it and she decided to accept it as is. Which she should have. We had been together 2 years at that point and were talking engagement. Denying him being allowed to sleep in the same bed as me was just ridiculous.

I had already been married and divorced so my "virtue" was non existant.

It seems childish and ridiculous to me to deny two adults the ability to sleep in the same room together. What's the point in that anyway?

 

[totalia]

In my opinion if you are inviting me to please come visit and stay, you are inviting all of me that includes my beliefs. Dont invite me to your home only to say, " okay now that you are here you have to live this way"

*nods* exactly.

 

[Shutterbug]

In my opinion if you are inviting me to please come visit and stay, you are inviting all of me that includes my beliefs. Dont invite me to your home only to say, " okay now that you are here you have to live this way"

okay I spent some time and reread the thread and I would like to alter my opinion.
I was going under the assumption that the sister had asked the op to come visit her and stay with her. The sole reason of the trip was to see her. If that was the case then my opinion above stands.

But...

If your sister is a side trip thats a little different. Your sister should have said something like "yes I would enjoying seeing you while you are out here and you are welcome to stay here if you like. Just one thing though, if you do, you will need to please sleep in seperate rooms."