Imposing house rules on invited guests

[auntpolly]

If you were invited to my home, you would not have two choices. If I invited you knowing you were a smoker, I would make you as comfortable as I could. I might make a space comfortable for you on one of the 3 season porches, I might make a spot for you in the backyard depending on the time of year, or I might have an air freshner device because I have invited other guests similar as you.

The original question was related to the sleeping arrangements, and that was what I was responding to.

OK, we'll never agree, but.....I think you are the coolest hostess ever!!! I;m coming, so get my smoking room ready, and could you pick up some kitty litter for the cats and dog chow for the dogs? Oh, and I'm on the Atkins diet, so you won't mind getting rid of all the carbs in your house -- they are way too tempting for me! And, well, I'll fax you the rest of my demands!

 

[WDWHound]

Before Mandy and I were married, we went to visit my Sister. She asked us to sleep in seperate rooms so that we would not be setting a conflicting example from what she was trying to teach her kids (who were in Jr High at the time). I had no problem with that whatsoever. Seems like a perfectly reasonable request. I think someone would have to be looking to be offended if they took offense at something like this.

 

[RobinMarie]

OK, we'll never agree, but.....I think you are the coolest hostess ever!!! I;m coming, so get my smoking room ready, and could you pick up some kitty litter for the cats and dog chow for the dogs? Oh, and I'm on the Atkins diet, so you won't mind getting rid of all the carbs in your house -- they are way too tempting for me! And, well, I'll fax you the rest of my demands!

Sarcasm aside, I'd also try to make you comfortable when you eat in my home.

PS your pets were not invited.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

It depends.

Are these two 18 year olds who've been dating for 3 months who are planning to get kinky in your guest room? Or is it a couple who are in their post college years (late 20's+) like my SO and I who have been together in a domestic partnership for years and never intend to become legally married.

If someone invited Chris and I somewhere and told us we had to stay in seperate rooms because there are no rings on our fingers, I would simply tell them I appreciate and respect their rules, but decline the invitation to stay.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

If it is a noise issue let them know to keep it down and maybe to wait to do any really intimate (sp?) things.

This just cracks me up. Why does everyone assume all unmarried couples who live together are constantly getting it on?? I assure you, that is NOT THE CASE. Unmarried couples who live together pretty much have the same kind of sex life as married couples. Not that I pry into my married friends' personal issues, but some of them tell me, even though the info is un-requested.

 

[katerkat]

Depends on a lot of things, especially my children. Sorry, if I have young kids in the house, I'm going to request that unmarried couples sleep in separate rooms. When the kids are older, the rule may change to reflect their maturity. Pre-kids, it depends on the age and commitment level of the couple.

I think the most important thing is that we're upfront about the rules of the house that we expect guests to follow.

Of course, we only have a twin bed for guests, so when my SIL visits with her fiance next week, he's gonna be on the couch. They knew the situation and knew they could have rented a hotel room instead, but they chose to stay with us, which means somebody's gonna be on the couch. (And since I'm 8 months pregnant, it's NOT gonna be me!)

 

[bdcp]

I think the issue is also never presume you can do anything you want in someone else's home. I have asked people not to smoke in my home and not to bring their pets. As I said earlier, my home, my rules. I won't do anything that conflicts with my morals and religious beliefs. I don't think anyone should ever ask me to compromise mine either. It's not a matter of whether anything is actually going to happen. There was a time when no one would even consider it.

 

[Lachesis00]

We had to sleep in seperate beds even being married 10 years at his mom's and my parents place... I kid you not LOL. We're not little horn dogs nor have we ever even shown affection in front of our parents but my dad will not let us be in a open door bedroom sitting on the bed...

While it's weird, we respect our parents and abide by their rules.

 

[gina2000]

I have no problem respecting the homeowner's wishes (especially because there are young children involved) but I do think it's unusual that they would extend the invitation knowing of your sleeping arrangements in your own home. I'm sure it's a lovely gesture, but they should have made their wishes clear when they invited you.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Is it proper to invite an unmarried adult couple to your home for an extended stay and tell them they would have to sleep in separate bedrooms?

Absolutely!

Our guests were relatives (younger siblings) that we could enforce the rule with more easily. But if it were someone else, I would simply prepare 2 separate sleeping locations.

Your house, your rules. People don't like the rules, that is why there are hotels .

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm not offended. But, I just think that at this age and considering that we live together, this "rule" is a little ridiculous. Plus it is stupid that she said the rule to my mom and not to me (or our younger sister).

My sister was divorced--and with her bf now hubby #2...I imposed the rule until they were married.

She probably didn't feel comfortable telling you--and telling mom makes it easier to enforce all the way around...b/c if mom's got her back--well than, not much the sibs can do to get around the rule. Probably not the best way to handle it, but what is done is done.

I plan on raising my children a certain way--and if they turn out that way...GREAT..and if they don't for whatever reason, I would still love them no matter what. However, allowing people in our home to do things that are contrary to how I wish to raise my children....it is my home and I can make whatever rules I please that will foster those beliefs.

However--when I go to stay with people...I don't carry my rules on the road. If I choose to stay in their home...I certainly am not going to tell someone that they can't share a room for whatever reason. If I had such a problem with it, I would definitely make other arrangements. Thankfully, a situation has yet to present itself where I had to worry about it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think some of you are missing a point. The question isn't what's the right thing or the wrong thing to do. The question is do people have the right to ask that people respect their morals and values in their own home. Whatever is the right thing or the wrong thing -- the worst thing is disrespecting your hosts' wishes.

The hosts can extend the situation and make it clear how things go in their house. The guests can except or decline. It's a 2 way street.

Sometimes I wish I did read a whole thread before responding--I could save a few paragraphs.

Well said, Aunt Polly!

 

[MosMom]

We had to sleep in seperate beds even being married 10 years at his mom's and my parents place.

I don't quite get this. I would definitely be staying in a hotel. There is no way after being married would I sleep separate from my husband. They could kiss it. That is absurd. Where do they think your kids came from?

 

[gottaluvPluto]

We have that rule in my house and I think a guest should go by the host rules (and I'm in my 30's). After all it is their house and if you don't like it you can stay some where else. We have two kids 5 and a 7 year old and we want to set an example. My FIL is not married and wanted to bring is GF to visit us. We said that was fine, but if you stay with us you will be sleeping in different bedrooms. He did not mind staying at a hotel. He even lived with his GF at the time. THis is not a silly rule and a person and the host is not pushing their morals on some one else. You could reverse this and say you were pushing your beliefs on the host. Just a thought.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I have no problem respecting the homeowner's wishes (especially because there are young children involved) but I do think it's unusual that they would extend the invitation knowing of your sleeping arrangements in your own home. I'm sure it's a lovely gesture, but they should have made their wishes clear when they invited you.

She might not have thought the situation all the way. She also might be trying to figure out how to tell you about the room situation. I know it wasn't easy for us to tell FIL because we didn't want to disappoint him about not being around the kids 24 hours, but he also could have stayed in different rooms. Why is it a big deal to sleep in the same room? Maybe you can not sleep together for just a few days so you can spend more time with family.

 

[pearlieq]

This strikes me as nuts! You are clearly of age and in a long term comitted relationship--it's rude and petty to ask you to sleep apart. I would be hugely offended by this--the very act of asking this implies judgement and disapproval. Not only would I not being staying with them, but I would definitely reconsider associating with them.

I have a different view of hospitality. When you open your home to someone, it's not to impose your moral values on them. My goal when entertaining guests and friends is to make them as comfortable as possible, not to pass judgement on their lifestyle. I don't buy the argument that children would be adversely affected by this--if they've ever turned on the television this is not news to them. They'll either be too young to draw any conclusions or old enough to learn that different people have different sets of values.

Good luck with this--whatever you decide!

 

[disykat]

I would be hugely offended by this--the very act of asking this implies judgement and disapproval. Not only would I not being staying with them, but I would definitely reconsider associating with them.

QUOTE]

Wow! You seriously won't associate with people who have different beliefs than you and choose to practice them in their own home? You must have a very small circle of friends/family.

 

[GoodFairies]

She probably didn't feel comfortable telling you--and telling mom makes it easier to enforce all the way around...b/c if mom's got her back--well than, not much the sibs can do to get around the rule. Probably not the best way to handle it, but what is done is done.

We don't have the same mother. My mom (who she said this to) is totally fine that we live together (and that my younger sister and her fiance live together), so it's not a reinforcement thing. She just chose to tell my mom that instead of us. When my mom told me, she said my sister didn't say why, but that she assumed it was because of the kids. My 11 year old niece knows perfectly well of my living arrangements--she has stayed overnight at our house before. Like I said in my previous post, I'm not mad about it, but I just think it is bordering absurd. I just wanted to know what other people thought.

 

[pearlieq]

I would be hugely offended by this--the very act of asking this implies judgement and disapproval. Not only would I not being staying with them, but I would definitely reconsider associating with them.

QUOTE]

Wow! You seriously won't associate with people who have different beliefs than you and choose to practice them in their own home? You must have a very small circle of friends/family.

No, I have friends that are open, tolerant, and who care about my comfort and happiness...

 

[binny]

your house your rules. If you dont want your children exposed to that then that is absolutely YOUR ( or whomever we are talking about) call! Honestly if they cant hold off for a weekend....