I'm so upset - prayers please

[yasmina]

Have you told him how you feel about your past and having it brought up? I don't mean when you are both angry. I mean when you are ready to sit and talk.

It sounds to me like he just didn't think it through before he said it. I betcha he is sorry he said it.

Unsolicited advice to follow but well...I'm a Mom humor me.

Trust me here...I have been married for a long time. Be the bigger person...this time. When you are ready for bed, calmly get in bed and nicely tell him goodnight, roll over and go to sleep. In the morning fix him a decent breakfast the entire time keeping a "pleasant silence". After breakfast go on about your day and watch him try to "pretend" it never happened.

This is not a head game I am suggesting, but a cool of period. Someone has to be willing to let the fight go for the time being until you guys can get it straight in your heads.

anyway...when you have both cooled down bring it up nicely by asking if he is ready to talk about the fight last night. If anger starts again, let it go again and try again later. If not, tell him how much he hurt your feelings be honest and direct but do not be "ugly" and do not use accusing words such as "You should not have said that" etc... Instead try "That really hurt me last night because..." You get the jist.

Odds are good that you probably said something to him that hurt his feelings too (you may not even realize it). Listen to what he has to say too and really think about it. If you need more time after this tell him so, and don't be upset if he asks the same.

Communication is key. I and many others are more than willing to let you vent, offer cyber hugs, support etc...but in the long run the person you need to "vent" to is right in front of you.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

Thanks for your advice, but under the circumstances I don't know that it applies.

I'll be honest here - and probably alienate a lot of folks here on the DIS, but <deep breath> several years before dh & I started dating I had an abortion. It was with a man that I was no longer involved with - I regret it now deeply, but at the time it was the right decision for many reasons.

What he said was something about my "visiting a baby butcher" in front of my dd's 10 & 12.

I don't know how I can get past this. I fully intend to discuss my past with my daughters at an appropriate time, but that time was not tonight under these circumstances.

He will have a lot of explaining to do regarding his son being born 7 months after his wedding to his mother, as well as his ex not being married to the father of his older "son".

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I don't really have any advice right now but I will hold you in my prayers.

 

[kimluvswdw]

It was all about my past.

I never pretended to be anyone but who I was when we got together. I have been 100% faithful since we've been together - from dating until now, almost 13 years later.

And yet he continues to throw my past - prior to him - in my face, and now in front of our daughters.

I intend to be completely honest with our daughters about my life - when appropriate.

As he should be when the time comes as to why his son was born 7 months after he and his mother were married. As he should be about why his non-biological son calls him "dad" (his ex-wife never married the father of his older son).

Oh my God it hurts!

This is the exact problem my husband and I had. My husband knew about my past when we met, but everytime we had a fight it was the first thing I heard come out of his mouth. We have been together since November of 88 and he finally let it go about 2 years ago. I just told him what happened before I met him was none of his business and what he did before he met me was none of my business. I also told him we had a family now and maybe he should think about that and quit living in the past.

I know how bad it hurts, but hopefully you can get past all of this.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

Thanks for your advice, but under the circumstances I don't know that it applies.

I'll be honest here - and probably alienate a lot of folks here on the DIS, but <deep breath> several years before dh & I started dating I had an abortion. It was with a man that I was no longer involved with - I regret it now deeply, but at the time it was the right decision for many reasons.

What he said was something about my "visiting a baby butcher" in front of my dd's 10 & 12.

I don't know how I can get past this. I fully intend to discuss my past with my daughters at an appropriate time, but that time was not tonight under these circumstances.

He will have a lot of explaining to do regarding his son being born 7 months after his wedding to his mother, as well as his ex not being married to the father of his older "son".

I can see why you are upset. He absolutely shouldn't have said that. In front of your children or not, he should not have referred to your abortion as "visiting a baby butcher".

Can I just say though, that the reason this might have upset you so much is because you feel guilty? You need to let that guilt go. You had to make a very tough decision at the time and you made a valid choice. Of course it will stick with you forever, and you no doubt knew that at the time. So, I don't think you have anything to be sorry for. But if you need be forgiven, know that you have been!

You need to not be ashamed any longer and sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart. Help him to understand what those moments were like for you and that you are working to get past it and you need his support. Don't play the blame game. Forgive him and talk to him. After hearing you out, give him another chance to deal with your past respectfully.

 

[GoodFairies]

What a disgusting thing for him to say, especially in front of the children. I'm not sure that something like that is forgivable if he really means it and it wasn't something he just spat out in the fight.

 

[Pop Daddy]

hey its gonna be ok, stop talking that way

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I can only say how sorry I am for you. I hope your DH comes to his senses soon. Past is past.

Wishing you the best.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I am so sorry the best advice my DH were ever given were, words are swords, never forget that!!! And once a word is spoken, it can never be taken back.

Again, I am sorry

 

[Liberty Belle]

Thanks for your advice, but under the circumstances I don't know that it applies.

I'll be honest here - and probably alienate a lot of folks here on the DIS, but <deep breath> several years before dh & I started dating I had an abortion. It was with a man that I was no longer involved with - I regret it now deeply, but at the time it was the right decision for many reasons.

What he said was something about my "visiting a baby butcher" in front of my dd's 10 & 12.

I don't know how I can get past this. I fully intend to discuss my past with my daughters at an appropriate time, but that time was not tonight under these circumstances.

He will have a lot of explaining to do regarding his son being born 7 months after his wedding to his mother, as well as his ex not being married to the father of his older "son".

I'm so sorry. I hope you somehow can get past this. That is a horrible thing to say. I've said some things in anger that I wish I could take back and I'll bet your dh will feel the same way. In front of your daughters, though...

 

[Aimeedyan]

I'm so sorry... DH and I both have horrible things in our past and while I've said things I regret in the heat of the moment, I've never thrown something like that at him. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

**hugs**

 

[CathrynRose]

What he said was something about my "visiting a baby butcher" in front of my dd's 10 & 12.

".

First and foremost him saying that in front of your children, is completely and totally inappropriate. You could have had 100 abortions and what he said in front of them is worse.

And last time I checked, abortion is legal and YOUR choice. You werent with him, so its absolutely none of his damn business.

Its an incredibly difficult decision to make, and for anyone to think you just woke up one morning, realized you were pregant and said "Gee, I think Ill go to the 'baby butcher' today" is asinine.

And today youre a wonderful mother - so him saying that would have gotten him a nice slap across the face, had he been my husband. But Im not calm, cool or collected.

What he said was wrong.... dont you dare feel bad,

 

[slk537]

for you and for your girls.

 

[eclectics]

I've known quite a few marriages and long term relationships that went into crisis yet somehow found their way back to solid ground. I have no words of wisdom other than to wish you well in whatever happens and whatever decisions you make.

 

[yasmina]

OMG thank you all so much!

I at least have a "legitimate" reason for sleeping downstairs tonight. My daughters are having a sleepover, so I can sleep in my chair without anyone being suspicious.

Dh (d in this case does not mean dear or disney) is asleep upstairs, blissfully igorant after drinking half a case of beer.

I don't care if his comment was the result of too many beers, it hurt me just the same.

If his answers aren't acceptable in the AM - pure, abject apology and begging for forgiveness, he's out of here.

 

[hentob]

First and foremost him saying that in front of your children, is completely and totally inappropriate. You could have had 100 abortions and what he said in front of them is worse.

And last time I checked, abortion is legal and YOUR choice. You werent with him, so its absolutely none of his damn business.

Its an incredibly difficult decision to make, and for anyone to think you just woke up one morning, realized you were pregant and said "Gee, I think Ill go to the 'baby butcher' today" is asinine.

I agree with the above.

to the OP.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OMG thank you all so much!

I at least have a "legitimate" reason for sleeping downstairs tonight. My daughters are having a sleepover, so I can sleep in my chair without anyone being suspicious.

Dh (d in this case does not mean dear or disney) is asleep upstairs, blissfully igorant after drinking half a case of beer.

I don't care if his comment was the result of too many beers, it hurt me just the same.

If his answers aren't acceptable in the AM - pure, abject apology and begging for forgiveness, he's out of here.

Ugh. He drank half a case of beer the night of your daughters' sleepover? That alone would infuriate me.

How are your daughters doing? I remember being around my parents when they fought and it was horrible. I'm glad they're having friends over to help take their mind off of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, totally inappropriate and unforgivable...
But, somehow, sometimes we must all learn how to forgive.

Forgive yourself for what happened in the past.
And, sometime, somehow, you must also forgive your husband for those words. ( remember, to forgive is not to accept or condone, but to let go...)

Yasmina, I offer you hugs!!!

And, I just want to say that I can see that the bigger issue here is not how he could say those devastating and hurtfull words... But WHY.... There is something going on, other than what happened so far ago in the past. He seems to have some personal issue here. I hope the two of you can work your way thru it, no matter what that may bring.

 

[DizneeMommy]

Have you told him how you feel about your past and having it brought up? I don't mean when you are both angry. I mean when you are ready to sit and talk.

It sounds to me like he just didn't think it through before he said it. I betcha he is sorry he said it.

Unsolicited advice to follow but well...I'm a Mom humor me.

Trust me here...I have been married for a long time. Be the bigger person...this time. When you are ready for bed, calmly get in bed and nicely tell him goodnight, roll over and go to sleep. In the morning fix him a decent breakfast the entire time keeping a "pleasant silence". After breakfast go on about your day and watch him try to "pretend" it never happened.

This is not a head game I am suggesting, but a cool of period. Someone has to be willing to let the fight go for the time being until you guys can get it straight in your heads.

anyway...when you have both cooled down bring it up nicely by asking if he is ready to talk about the fight last night. If anger starts again, let it go again and try again later. If not, tell him how much he hurt your feelings be honest and direct but do not be "ugly" and do not use accusing words such as "You should not have said that" etc... Instead try "That really hurt me last night because..." You get the jist.

Odds are good that you probably said something to him that hurt his feelings too (you may not even realize it). Listen to what he has to say too and really think about it. If you need more time after this tell him so, and don't be upset if he asks the same.

Communication is key. I and many others are more than willing to let you vent, offer cyber hugs, support etc...but in the long run the person you need to "vent" to is right in front of you.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

Great advice!
I've been married 14 years, and communication is always the key to working things out. That, a good sense of humor, and prayer!!
Just be certain to seriously think through whatever path you decide to take. As you've found out, you can't take things back once they are done.
Sending out prayers to you!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your daughters are AT a sleepover, or have friends over at your home???

Wow... just WOW....

I don't think that anything that could be said tomorrow morning could be enough to handle these issues.

I think that these kinds of things might require a lot more than that.

 

[beckmrk04]

First and foremost him saying that in front of your children, is completely and totally inappropriate. You could have had 100 abortions and what he said in front of them is worse.

And last time I checked, abortion is legal and YOUR choice. You werent with him, so its absolutely none of his damn business.

Its an incredibly difficult decision to make, and for anyone to think you just woke up one morning, realized you were pregant and said "Gee, I think Ill go to the 'baby butcher' today" is asinine.

And today youre a wonderful mother - so him saying that would have gotten him a nice slap across the face, had he been my husband. But Im not calm, cool or collected.

What he said was wrong.... dont you dare feel bad,

I completely and totally agree.

What he said is BEYOND disgusting, especially coming from the man who is supposed to love, honor and cherish you.