Wagamama - I understand, I've been where you are.
My oldest brother was drafted into Vietnam. I was in third grade when he left, fifth grade when he came home. Not only was my brother drafted, but I come from a HUGE family. Lots of my cousins were drafted or enlisted throughout the 60's and early 70's. The "going away" parties were always mournful, yet gave strength to the guys going, knowing we loved and supported them, even though we may not have supported the war.
The "coming home" parties were always joyful and uplifting.
There were times during the Vietnam War, that I thought all hope was lost.
One thing that kept me going during the times when I was really scared, was taking a more pro-active stance against the war. I was only a child, then a teen while the war raged, but drawing and coloring peace signs, stringing "love beads", tie dying t-shirts, writing "Make Love Not War" on my book covers, listening to protest songs, doing all of those little things helped me focus in another direction instead of focusing on the sadness and doom that I felt. Nothing like a 12 year old "flower child".
Another thing we did was keep a "Jim Box". In the living room, my parents set up a box and whenever we wanted, we would put things in there that Jim (my brother) would like. Maybe a can of pears, maybe a letter or a picture we drew, school photographs, cigarettes, candy bars, whatever we felt like putting in there. When it was full, my father would send the box overseas to him and we would start a new one. At one time we had Jim, Michael, Duke and Johnny boxes going at the same time. You can do the same thing. There are tons of "adopt a soldier" programs that can help you focus some of the thoughts you're having in a more pro-active, positive sort of way. At times it may help to feel that you are a part of helping in some way.
{{{{Hugs}}}} You are not alone in your feelings.
Most of us have been there in one way or another and we can help you get through this.
