I'm heartbroken for my son......long

[Chim Chiminy]

Since we moved to this small town in NE PA, my son has had a hard time making friends. We have lived here three years and two months.
The school matched him up with a kid, "John", with a similar background when we moved here--dad in National Guard (my DH is active duty), brothers have ADHD and bipolar (my son has these diagnoses). They hit it off, became best buds and things had been going well until last year. They are both 10 and 1/2.
The other kids parents went through a nasty divorce, with the dad leaving. "John" started hanging around with some tougher kids. These other kids have divorced parents. They are pretty rough, bullies if you will, cursing a lot and picking on other kids.
Pretty soon I noticed that "John" wasn't calling as much, didn't really want to come over to play, and wasn't asking Nethaniel over.
I am friends with "John's" mother and we only went over when she invited us, and at those times the boys really still seemed to get along well.
Nethaniel was invited to a Superbowl party at their house. He had a terrible time. The boys were rowdy, picking on him, or simply leaving him out.
Then last night my son called "John." He asked if "John" wanted to come over, but "John" preferred for Nethaniel to come over to his house.
Nethaniel was so happy. But I had a bad feeling in my stomach.

He was over there for 2 and 1/2 hours. I picked him up, talked to "John's" mother for thirty minutes, but I could tell something was wrong between the boys.
In the car Nethaniel said he didn't have a good time. They played outside for awhile, then they went in and played Playstation.
Then "John" decided he wanted to set up his new microphone and PA system (he is forming a band). He left Nethaniel out of this, alone in the family room.

When we got home, he stepped out of the car and burst into tears. Through his crying he said he feels like "John" just doesn't want to spend any time with him any more, and we are moving soon and it really hurts.
I gave him a hug and told him that I know exactly what he means and how he feels and we will talk inside.

I did talk to him. I told him that sometimes friends grow apart. It just happens and it is part of growing up. That doesn't mean he can't continue to say hi to "John" at school, or be nice to him. But people develop different interests as they grow and mature.
I related to him stories about when I was growing up.
And I told him this silly song we used to sing in Girl Scouts.
"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver but the other's gold."
I told him he already has his "gold", that is his friend DeeDee. She is another military brat and they have been friends now for five years. Even though they have been apart for three years, whenever they talk it is like they haven't been apart.
I told him it is going to be his job to reach out to other kids, kids who maybe feel like he does. Alone and left out.
We laid on his bed and cried together for a bit and I held him.
He told me he was glad that he realized this had happened.

I just don't know if I should bring it up with "John's" mother or not. I certainly don't want her to think I am accusing her son or that I want to force them to play together. That is not it.
I just want her to be aware that they have grown apart.
I know she may realize something is going on, but honestly she is so busy with work, caring for her severely disabled oldest son plus the two other boys, things might slip by.

Sorry this is so long.
What would you do?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you handled the situation FANTASTICALLY!!!! I wouldn't do a thing.

 

[Rajah]

I also think you handled it perfectly. I think I'd only bring it up with her if you're close friends. Otherwise, let her bring it up.

 

[RUDisney]

It's gotta be hard for a kid when you move around so much, especially if Nethaniel is somewhat shy. Since you will be moving again, soon, start talking that up. Different areas produce different types of people. The entire Wyoming Valley is a hard place to break into when you are a shy kid. The next stop in your journey may be very welcoming and he may have no problem making lots of friends. I know that it's easier, too, if you are moving to an area with other military brats who have also learned to adapt and make friends at every new location.

Would I say anything to John's mother? Probably not. You may wind up inadvertently causing more trouble for your DS if you do that. You and she may understand from where you're coming in your discussion, but if she discusses it over dinner with John, he may wind up harassing your DS for being a baby and going to his mother about not being as close. It sounds like John is teaming up with a crowd that you may not want around your DS anyway.

Sorry for this awful situation and I hope that everything works out for your DS.

 

[Dan Murphy]

As said, yes. Some times it is so tough watching the kids grow up.

 

[MAC3]

So sorry for what your son is going through. It's terrible but it certainly does happen. I am trying to teach this to my daughter now as I can sense her and her Best friend growing apart.

I wouldn't say anything to the other mother or if anything next time you see her just casually mention how you've noticed that the boys are growing apart and see what her reaction is.

Nethaniel has to look elsewhere for his friends, something says John is traveling a different path right now and hopefully he'll realize what he's losing.

Unfortunately people grow apart. I've just recently learned this myself. Sometimes it's for the better. Not to mention what goes around ,comes around.

Hoping things get better for your son,
Lisa

 

[minniecarousel]

I wouldn't bring it up to her. It sounds like you handled it well. (This is the tough part of parenting that they never told us about.) So, are you moving again soon? If that's the case, make sure to get your DS into some after school activities. Is he interested in playing in the school band? Sometimes that's a great place to find like-minded kids. Community Centers have after school classes. It sounds like he just needs a little help in finding friends.
Hang in there.

 

[Duchie]

I was a military brat growing up and faced many of the same problems that your son is facing. I remember them all too well, and how much they hurt. Boy, if my mother had only had your insight and had helped me through like you helped your son!

I think you handled it perfectly! You might have to remind him again from time to time, but he's lucky to have you in his corner.

I don't think you need to bring it up to "John"s mom. She may ask one day, and then I have no doubt you will handle it just as eloquently as you did your son.

 

[Pam]

I agree with the others - you did a great job talking to your DS about the situation. To talk to the other Mom would really complicate the matter and make it sticky.

I also would like to suggest that you have your son join the Cub/Boy Scouts, a Church Youth Group, if your school has a band - have he try out an instrument. The local Y might have a program, too. I am sure that he will find some new friends in these venues.

Good luck. You're doing a great job there, Mom!!

 

[Robinrs]

Wow, does this sound familiar....

Minus the divorce, the move, etc. this kind of stuff goes on with kids regardless.

You did the right thing, to talked to him about growing apart. This is something he will use for the rest of his life.

As mothers we want SO badly to make everything right, but we can't. Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

and NO I wouldn't bring it up to the Mom. There's nothing she can do, either....

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[browneyes]

I think you handled it well too.

As far as the other mom, I'd wait to see if she mentions the kids growing apart before I said anything.

Good luck to your ds.

 

[Disney Ella]

I think you handled this situation very well, and I agree with everyone else that I wouldn't bring it up to the other mother.

My nephew went through an almost identical situation at that age, minus the moving. He and this boy had been very good friends since kindergarten, but when they turned ten, the friend wanted to hang out with tougher kids and left DN out in the cold. DN was heartbroken and didn't understand why this boy didn't want to be friends anymore. It was very hard on him and his parents, who couldn't do anything to make it better.

Now at age 16, the boy and his friends drink and do drugs and are starting to get in trouble with the law, and my SIL now looks upon the situation as being for the best, despite how difficult it was for her son at the time.

I know these situations are bound to come up in my kids' lives and I am not looking forward to them. I only hope I can handle them as well as you did.

 

[MAGICinMYHEART]

A+ MOM Great job. (sniff, sniff)

 

[WeirdEyes]

You definitely did a great job handling the problem. I went through this with my son a couple of years ago. It is sad when such good friends are no longer close. Your son will make new friends and maybe he can see his friend, DeeDee when you move again. Best of luck to you and Nethaniel.

 

[Disney Doll]

I htink you handled it well, and I wouldn't bring it up wioth the other mom. As others have said, kids grow apart, and things happen,a nd these are life lessons that we have to learn. Too bad it's hurtful to learn them.

 

[TINKTWINS]

 

[Chim Chiminy]

Thank you everyone. back to all of you. Your support and kind words of encouragement mean so much to me.

After having a day to think on it, I agree. I won't mention it to "John's" mom unless she brings it up first.
She is a good friend, has been a huge support to us in this very closed up community.
I wouldn't want to make things any more uncomfortable.

Nethaniel still talks fondly about "John", said hi to him at school. Just like I suggested. So time will only tell what happens.

Neth is a wonderful boy, sensitive and caring, and we are very blessed to have him.

Thank you all.