If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[RayaniFoxmur]

Because the birthparents were not responsible by getting pregnant, then not having the financial means to take care of it. There are plenty of parents who are young and poor and step up to the plate because all you haev in life is your children. They are selfish

Woah woah woah. Am I understanding you correctly that you think birth parents are selfish?

Let me do a little educating.

When I got pregnant with a little girl I was in a committed relationship. I was excited at the time. He left me when I was 8 weeks pregnant and then contacted me consistently through week 25 when I finally cut contact with him because he was threatening my life. I was suddenly very alone and no I them was not financially able to take care of a child. I learned that very quickly when I was unable to work, or even get out of bed due to hyperemesis.

I made the decision then that I would make the best possible decision for my child. She has two parents who love her more than anything now who are able to give her all kinds of things I would never be able to. Maybe it's jaded me against ever having kids again, I don't know. But I do know I sure as heck wasn't thinking of myself when I made that decision. I only was ever thinking of her.

Take your selfish and stick it where the sun don't shine.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

Because the birthparents were not responsible by getting pregnant, then not having the financial means to take care of it. There are plenty of parents who are young and poor and step up to the plate because all you haev in life is your children. They are selfish

Pathetic.

 

[DopeyDame]

I'm on my phone so I can't quote easily, bu MrsToad, I agree with everything you said so I'll just assume you agree with me too

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Woah woah woah. Am I understanding you correctly that you think birth parents are selfish?

Let me do a little educating.

When I got pregnant with a little girl I was in a committed relationship. I was excited at the time. He left me when I was 8 weeks pregnant and then contacted me consistently through week 25 when I finally cut contact with him because he was threatening my life. I was suddenly very alone and no I them was not financially able to take care of a child. I learned that very quickly when I was unable to work, or even get out of bed due to hyperemesis.

I made the decision then that I would make the best possible decision for my child. She has two parents who love her more than anything now who are able to give her all kinds of things I would never be able to. Maybe it's jaded me against ever having kids again, I don't know. But I do know I sure as heck wasn't thinking of myself when I made that decision. I only was ever thinking of her.

Take your selfish and stick it where the sun don't shine.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I'm on my phone so I can't quote easily, bu MrsToad, I agree with everything you said so I'll just assume you agree with me too

 

[babyrich]

Because the birthparents were not responsible by getting pregnant, then not having the financial means to take care of it. There are plenty of parents who are young and poor and step up to the plate because all you haev in life is your children. They are selfish

Wow, I have never heard of birth parents being called selfish. Wouldnt it be more selfish to keep a child you dont want?

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Wow, I have never heard of birth parents being called selfish. Wouldnt it be more selfish to keep a child you dont want?

Me, neither. And in most cases, it's not that the birthparents didn't want the child, either, it's that they didn't have the resources to care for the child. But they love them enough to give them a home with loving parents.

The way I see it, the truly unwanted kids are the ones that get left in their crib alone in the house while mom goes to the bar.

 

[Pigeon]

Funny how the new posters are buzzing around this topic like flies.

 

[DawnM]

Would not have bothered me a bit.

I was adopted. My youngest son was adopted.

 

[Allison]

Funny how the new posters are buzzing around this topic like flies.

Yes-isn't that interesting.

I'm wondering how many identities some posters have on here now.

 

[AntePrincess]

Wow, I have never heard of birth parents being called selfish. Wouldnt it be more selfish to keep a child you dont want?

Yes, it absolutely is.

That's my story. My parents were married and had everything going for them, but my father Did. Not. Want. Me. My mother wouldn't end the pregnancy, so he had an adoption lined up when I was born. It fell through because he picked some incredibly obnoxious adoptive parents that wanted a boy or something along those lines. I lived with my grandparents. He demanded me back when my mother was about ready to leave him so she could be with her parents and me.

Let's just say this is not a Disney story where he realized the errors of his ways and turned into a good father. Now that I have two beautiful daughters, I understand he threw away the best things that ever happened to him: his own daughter and granddaughters.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Why don't you post under your real name... or were you banned, hmm?

How simple your life must be and how easy you must thing being a single parent is for you to sum it up to "if you have time to post on an internet forum you should have time to have taken care of a baby".

She would not have been better with me. She did not deserve to have a mom who would not be able to buy her clothes, barely put food on the table. She did not deserve to have her life threatened, or watch her mom be scared for her own life.

I loved her more than anything, and I still do. But I wanted her to have parents that could devote 100% to her, not worry about the next meal, give her a good education. Things I knew when her father left I would never be able to give her.

If that's selfish then string me up with the selfish ones and talk about what a horrible person I am, whatever.

 

[Aisling]

But this hypothetical isn't about feelings. In this scenario, BF/GF is infertile - feelings have nothing to do with that medical fact. What you are saying is that you can not accept that person for who they are - worts and all.

To me, that means you aren't ready for marriage - no matter how perfect the person may currently seem. Because once you're married, life WILL throw curveballs at you, maybe infertilify, maybe illness, maybe finance, most likely something you could never ever imagine right now. Unless you're ready to jump in to the future with the other person - regardless of what the future brings - you're not ready for marriage.

We'll I've been married for 28 years with some very specific "qualifications" right from the start. I was indeed ready for marriage. Life surely has thrown us curveballs, and I am committed to my marriage so we make things work.

If I KNEW before I got married that the man I wanted to marry was sterile, that means I'd have to right from the start give up a strong longing to have biological children with my husband. I would not start a marriage that way.

If/when things happen AFTER we're already married, my vows make me strong to try to find solutions.

 

[Michelle67]

By the way, I had hyperemesis three times, and there were days I didn't think I could live through WITH a lot of support and a loving husband. I won't bother quoting the troll who said you had morning sickness and used it as an excuse, but you and I both already know that comparing hyperemesis to "a little morning sickness" is something like comparing a broken leg to a stubbed toe. For those who have never been there, they can't possibly imagine what it is like to feel like you have the flu for months on end, to vomit until you are vomiting blood, to vomit until you pull muscles in your back and double over in spasmodic pain with every heave, and for some women it doesn't stop until delivery. To even fight through that knowing you can't keep the baby is heroic in the extreme. You were never selfish, you were a hero.

 

[Aisling]

Just a quick addition to say that IMHO whatever family building or not building decision two people end up making is great. Obviously, I think adoption is a fantastic, wonderful, miraculous way to become a parent. But I know it's not the right way for a lot of people. The decision itself doesn't really matter, so much as the underlying confidence and commitment to make all of life's decisions, and deal with all of life's heartbreak, TOGETHER with love.

That's what me and my husband have been doing for 28 years, from the moment we said "I do". I just made sure I was saying I do to the person who was most compatible to what I desired in a lifemate.

 

[worm761]

To say the least, this has been an interesting read.

As for the topic, when other kids were saying they wanted to be a doctor, nurse, or fireman, I wanted to be a mommy. For as long as I can remember. I parent everyone. Ask anyone that knows me. I got pregnant at 19, DS is now 15. I was a single mom for many years. During my early 20's I had some medical issues that left the doctors telling me I could never carry a pregnancy full term. Took one miscarriage for me to believe them. After that, I refused to date anyone that wanted kids. It just felt wrong. I couldn't have them. Then I met Boyfriend. He desperately wanted a child but was infertile. Three doctors told him so. He was a safe bet for me even though he wanted them, he couldn't have them. He was perfectly happy with DS. As DS has gotten older we started making some long term, after DS is grown-type, plans for us. Then one day, BAM.. I was pregnant. Never expected that one.

I think that knowing that you want children and that your partner wants them too is very important before marriage. Just like how you pay bills and spend/save money, where you wish to live and so on. There are many big things before engaging in marriage and you need to be compatible in all of them. Boyfriend and I don't have too much in common on the surface but we agree on everything that matters.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Were you on the Casey Anthony jury by any chance?

 

[beatlesblonde]

What if you found out he *did* want kids?

If he truly wanted kids (not if we do we do if we don't we don't kinda way) then we wouldn't have gotten married. No kids would have been a deal breaker for me.

 

[skater]

By the way, I had hyperemesis three times, and there were days I didn't think I could live through WITH a lot of support and a loving husband. I won't bother quoting the troll who said you had morning sickness and used it as an excuse, but you and I both already know that comparing hyperemesis to "a little morning sickness" is something like comparing a broken leg to a stubbed toe. For those who have never been there, they can't possibly imagine what it is like to feel like you have the flu for months on end, to vomit until you are vomiting blood, to vomit until you pull muscles in your back and double over in spasmodic pain with every heave, and for some women it doesn't stop until delivery. To even fight through that knowing you can't keep the baby is heroic in the extreme. You were never selfish, you were a hero.

Nobody knows what that is like unless they've been through it. I had people tell me how I should have been working - after all this person went to work and threw up in the trash can and then continued working. Anyone who hadn't been through it compared the hyperemesis to "regular" morning sickness. Especially those who experienced nausea all day. They just couldn't understand the difference. Or how it felt to throw up just because the phone rang or because someone asked you a question. Or how it felt to wake up continuously all night throwing up. My DH used to keep track of how many times I threw up - I can't remember the number now, but it was pretty astronomical.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

It would depend on where we are in the relationship. If it's before I decided that I love the guy and I found out he was infertile, I would probably really think about it. At this point, I feel as if I would cut it off then. I am OK with adoption. But I know it's not an easy process and I truly do want to carry a child.

If it's at a point where I genuinely feel as if I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, as long as they were willing to adopt or chose a method where I could still be pregnant, then I would stay with them.

Having a child (as in being pregnant and giving birth to a child) has always been a really important thing to me. It's really high up there, so it's really important to me. Up to a point, it outweighs my desire to marry someone... plus, who says that I will not find someone else?