I think this is the best place to say this

[SandraVB79]

My oldest brother came into my room yesterday. He's 24, I'm 27, we still live at home (as most young people in Belgium), and we were "home alone" since the others (parents and other brother) are on vacation.

He told me he is gay. I have thought that about him for a very long time already, but actually hearing him say it, was... somehow still a shock. Especially when he told me this is something that has been "killing" him since years, etc. I felt his pain, really hard

He asked me to not say anything to our parents, he's planning to do that when he'll be coming back from vacation (I think he goes on vacation in 2 weeks, I kind of lost track when everyone is going where), but he needed to say it to someone in the family (his friends apparantly all know about it already), because he'll need support when he tells it our parents. I'm usually the one who supports all crazy ideas and other things, so that's why he came to me.
NOTE: with that last sentence I didn't want to say that him being gay is a crazy idea. I just wanted to say that I'm the one my two brothers use as a support.

These are going to be difficult couple of weeks for me. Of course not as difficult as for him, but still.
I had to tell "someone", and that's why I came to my closest friends from the DIS

 

[iankh]

A very big step for both of you.

I remember when I came out to my sister. I agonized over it for weeks and weeks leading up to my actually doing it. It was even worse when it came time to come out to my father.

It went very well with my sister and not so very well with my father.

Here's offering you lots of support and a place to talk about what you're experiencing.

 

[SandraVB79]

I have no problem whatsoever with him being gay. And h's quite lucky we're in Belgium, so he'll be able to get married if he ever wants too, and I'm sure the whole adoption thing will be completely legalized by the time he reaches that point in life.

I will have a problem however if my mom asks me somewhere in the coming weeks whether he's gay or not. I mean, we all kind of had our suspicion (is this the right word?), and once every so long, she will ask me "sandra, is he gay?". I always say "I dunno", but what am I supposed to say now?

Next to that, I realize that although we live in a liberal country, his life will not be easy. He told me he has no intention at all to start one night stands, that he only is looking for a serious relationship, but he also realizes that it's harder to find. He looked so sad when he said that. And then he started crying when he said that the thing he has most problems with, is that he will most probably never have children.
(mental note to myself: my first born will have him as godfather!)

He's so scared to come out to our parents. He said he waited so long because he wanted to be financially able to support himself in case they would throw him out of the house (something they will not do), but it broke my heart that... well, people have to think about things like that. Those are things that never kind of crossed my mind. When I announced at home that I'm in love with someone who is 17 years older, I never had to be afraid of such reactions, but he is.

Although I always kind of had my suspicions, this still came quite as a shock for me too, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Well, I could go to my BF, but I don't know... he hasn't met my brother yet, and I don't want this to be the first thing aout him he knows.

Argh.
Why can't life be easier?

 

[OrlandoMike]

Life isn't easy for any of us, but thank God it's a lot easier for Gay people now than it was back in the dark ages!

The best thing you can do is to support your brother 100%, no matter what!

At 24, no he may not meet his prince charming any time soon, but at that age he may want to at least start building a network of friends who are gay. People to go to dinner with, hang out with, go to the movies with, stuff like that.

Does he have any gay friends now?

Viki, where are you with your words of wisdom?

 

[SandraVB79]

he has one friend who is bisexual and he knows some people from when he studied who are gay, and he told me that this week, he went for the first time to an evening organised by some holebi-organisation.

I didn't really ask many things, because I didn't know too well what to say/ ask. What does one say/ ask in such a situation?

 

[OrlandoMike]

Just come out and ask. "Do you have any friends you can discuss these things with?"

I'm sure there is a large gay network over there. Does he like to play on the computer? If so have him try gay.com. It's a large network of people from all over the world. Yes, a lot of people use websites like this to meet people for one night stands, but it is possible to meet friends on a site like this also. I'm sure there are also gay coffee shops and things like that in your area also. A quick search on the internet should provide you a list of gay friendly places in your area.

As far as your parents asking you goes, I would just simply tell them "I'm not sure, why dont you ask him." Parents have a way of loving their children unconditionally, even in a situation like this. And if they are already asking, I doubt it will be a very large shock. Sorry if I'm rambling, its early in the morning over here. Good Luck with this!

Mike

 

[bubie2.5]

I will have a problem however if my mom asks me somewhere in the coming weeks whether he's gay or not. I mean, we all kind of had our suspicion (is this the right word?), and once every so long, she will ask me "sandra, is he gay?". I always say "I dunno", but what am I supposed to say now?

You can tell your mom to ask him directly. If your brother know they suspect, it might make things a little easier for him.

 

[MrVisible]

I don't have much advice for you, really. Just keep in mind that this is your brother's first step towards a happier, more honest life. Like all big life changes, there's going to be some drama involved. It will, however, get better, and your brother will be free to live a life that makes him happy.

Don't think your brother has to rush out and start living a different life now that he's come out, though. If he was shy when he hadn't come out, he'll still be shy now. Coming out doesn't make us any different, it just makes us more honest. If he was the type of guy you could see settling down into a long-term marriage before, he's still that kind of guy now. He has a great chance to find someone who will make him happy, and that chance wasn't ever an option before now.

One of the most important things anyone ever said to me when I came out was "You're still the same person." It was actually the first time I ever came out to anyone, and he was trying to let me know that we'd still be friends, and that nothing would change between us. More than that, though, it reminded me that admitting to my sexual orientation wouldn't keep me from being myself. I didn't have to change anything about my life, just my level of honesty. It helped.

Oh, and if you're looking for a funny but informative article on the subject, here's A Straight Person's Guide to Gay Etiquette. It's a little dated, but it answers all sorts of questions.

Your brother is lucky to have you to talk with. Just keep being yourself, ask the questions you want to ask, treat this with a sense of humor, and it will all be over and done with soon.

I guess I did have a lot of advice...

 

[SandraVB79]

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.
My brother asked me to be home this evening, because it's the "big day", he's going to make the announcement (i.e. tell the others he's gay) and needs my support.

He's nervous, I'm nervous, thank God for Xanax.

 

[ConcKahuna]

I remember how nervous I was when I came out. My mother had been trying to get me to show a friend of her's daughter around town (she had just moved from the Marshall Islands) for about a week. I finally asked her if she was trying to hook me up. She said she didnt believe in that kind of stuff. I told her I was gay. Her response was "David, I've known that for years!"

Would have saved me several years of depression if she had told me that long before!

 

[OrlandoMike]

Good Luck! And let us know how everything works out. Before the evening starts, let your brother know there are some of us out here thinking good thoughts for him this evening!

 

[NewJersey]

Good luck and know you've got us all here for support. I remember you talking about your suspicions about a month ago on the CB, on a gay marriage debate thread I believe. I'm glad your brother felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

I remember coming out to my parents..it was on Easter Sunday about 5 years ago (we're Catholic..so I picked the PERFECT day ). They told me they still loved me but had their usual concerns about disease, public perception, etc. They're my parents..I expected the worrying. They really like my boyfriend (future husband) and are toally fine with it, but it was seriously the hardest thing in my life!

I came out to my sisters last year, and my one sister was so happy I told her and she is thrilled to have a gay brother.

Let us know if you or him need anything!

 

[swtnikki]

I hope that everything works out for him & your family. We're all here for you 100%.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Big hugs and good wishes to your brother today and to you too, for standing beside him.

Please do let us know how it turned out. If your brother wants some online support, he's more than welcome here!

 

[Viki]

I don't have any wisdom other than the wonderful such offered above, but I just wanted to say your brother is blessed to have you and to ask that you please let us know how everything unfolds!

 

[SandraVB79]

Thank you all so much for your support!

My brother followed my "good advice" yesterday, and first told it our mom separately. Although she had her suspicion, she was still kind of shocked. After she heard the news, we told it the others (being my dad, my other brother and my grandmother). their reaction was all very positive, which kind of surprised me, especially from my youngest brother. He has sometimes old-fashioned ideas, but he said that he will knock down the first person that made fun out of his brother. I guess that's good .

We are also catholic at home, but we are catholic the European, and more specifically the Belgian way, which means very liberal. Which kind of means that we are catholic, but we don't agree with what the Pope declares about a lot of issues around relations and sex. No, I am NOT turning this into such a debate, just wanted to give some background information about our "way of thinking".

In Belgium, gays can get married, and gay adoption is also getting regularized.
My mom is of course worried about public perception and about diseases and so, but well... I guess after she reads some information flyers, she'll get over that too.


Thank you all very much for your support. It's great to know the DIS is there for about everything!!!

 

[Viki]

Thank you all so much for your support!

My brother followed my "good advice" yesterday, and first told it our mom separately. Although she had her suspicion, she was still kind of shocked. After she heard the news, we told it the others (being my dad, my other brother and my grandmother). their reaction was all very positive, which kind of surprised me, especially from my youngest brother. He has sometimes old-fashioned ideas, but he said that he will knock down the first person that made fun out of his brother. I guess that's good .

We are also catholic at home, but we are catholic the European, and more specifically the Belgian way, which means very liberal. Which kind of means that we are catholic, but we don't agree with what the Pope declares about a lot of issues around relations and sex. No, I am NOT turning this into such a debate, just wanted to give some background information about our "way of thinking".

In Belgium, gays can get married, and gay adoption is also getting regularized.
My mom is of course worried about public perception and about diseases and so, but well... I guess after she reads some information flyers, she'll get over that too.


Thank you all very much for your support. It's great to know the DIS is there for about everything!!!

Wow! That's great news, thank you so much for sharing.

(And I know exactly what sort of Christianity you are describing - good for you all!)