I need help, I'm so confused

[NHdisneylover]

Someone here earlier in the thread found out who I was (not sure how) and wrote my name in their reply. It happened more than once.

Then silly me, I replied using my user name then deleted it immediately, but people saw.

Once my name was written by the poster though, anyone could and I'm sure did look my name up and read my past posts.

Your name had already been deleted from other posts before I saw the thread--but the accidental post tipped me off.

Anyway, I was not looking for any "bad" reason--but to get a better feel for how you tend to perceive life, etc. I am sorry if that was upsetting to you. I haven't said who you are, nor would I.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you need to get off the Dis, which tends to lean to the man-hating side sometimes and will tell you exactly what you want to hear and will reinforce the idea you have about your husband being an awful, manipulative, controlling jerk.

Talk to your therapist and be honest with yourself about your part in where your marriage is today.

The DIS DOES tend to lean that way, and yet several posters are getting a vibe that indicates this is not necessarily all the
guy's fault and urging restraint and caution--which is kind of telling, IMO.

 

[CC72197]

Your name had already been deleted from other posts before I saw the thread--but the accidental post tipped me off.

Anyway, I was not looking for any "bad" reason--but to get a better feel for how you tend to perceive life, etc. I am sorry if that was upsetting to you. I haven't said who you are, nor would I.

Oh no, please don't think you upset me! It's ok, I'm not upset at all about it.


So my DH found this thread. We went to therapy and he has left for a trial period of a week. The therapist is really great and very helpful to us & even gave us homework for the week. But we all agreed the week long break is the right thing to do right now. We have to decide where we will go for there in a session we have set up for next week. In the meantime I have an appointment alone on Friday.

I want to apologize if some of my posts seem confusing. I am not in the right state of mind right now. I'm trying to be open and honest because I really do need advice and help from others. It's hard to sum up a 20 year marriage on a message board. There is good & bad in all of us & my husband is not all bad. But I still need to do what's right for me. The couple of sessions we have had intherapy has really been an eye opener. Just today we found out things about DH that he wasn't hapy with & that he needs to change for himsel too.

I hope whatever happens from here will just be the right thing for both of us and our children. I just don't know what that "right thing" is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh no, please don't think you upset me! It's ok, I'm not upset at all about it.


So my DH found this thread. We went to therapy and he has left for a trial period of a week. The therapist is really great and very helpful to us & even gave us homework for the week. But we all agreed the week long break is the right thing to do right now. We have to decide where we will go for there in a session we have set up for next week. In the meantime I have an appointment alone on Friday.

I want to apologize if some of my posts seem confusing. I am not in the right state of mind right now. I'm trying to be open and honest because I really do need advice and help from others. It's hard to sum up a 20 year marriage on a message board. There is good & bad in all of us & my husband is not all bad. But I still need to do what's right for me. The couple of sessions we have had intherapy has really been an eye opener. Just today we found out things about DH that he wasn't hapy with & that he needs to change for himsel too.

I hope whatever happens from here will just be the right thing for both of us and our children. I just don't know what that "right thing" is.

Best wishes to you on your journey. You have to start somewhere.

 

[HM]

I think you need to get off the Dis, which tends to lean to the man-hating side sometimes and will tell you exactly what you want to hear and will reinforce the idea you have about your husband being an awful, manipulative, controlling jerk.

Talk to your therapist and be honest with yourself about your part in where your marriage is today.

I agree. I read this thread when you started it yesterday and then picked it up again this morning when three more pages had been added. I was really surprised at the change in tone from your first post and the replies to what's come up afterward.

I really think from the sounds of it, your marriage is worth saving. I actually don't think you want a divorce. You just want some recognition and new outlets. I don't think either you or your husband are bad people or have done each other wrong. Although you seem to think you have good communication with your husband, you really don't. And I believe the therapy for you both will work wonders in getting you guys working together as a couple and parents again.

 

[pioneer89]

So my DH found this thread.

So, since the DH found this thread, and is likely reading this, here's some advice to him: (I'm trying to do this as kindly as possible, but I do realize there will be flames... lots and lots of flames)

First off, read her posts again, she's got the divorce already planned out.

As a Dad who is getting a Divorce, don't make some common mistakes. I would suggest you not move out, not even for a week. It establishes a status quo that will not help you during custody.

Google some Dads Divorce type sites and follow their advice. Too many fathers are taken by surprise when these things happen, and end up falling on their sword. Don't settle for the every-other-weekend-ripoff that so many do. Settle for nothing less than 50% custody with shared primary. She might be reasonable, and know that 50/50 is the best, but I can't really tell from her posts.

You have an advantage many fathers don't have, in that she's laid out her plans and goals here.

I've never been through a divorce, but I helped a very good friend through one, and there is some very good advice out there that will keep this divorce fair and equitable.

 

[mickeyboat]

Sending positive thoughts to you, and hugs.

 

[pioneer89]

I agree. I read this thread when you started it yesterday and then picked it up again this morning when three more pages had been added. I was really surprised at the change in tone from your first post and the replies to what's come up afterward.

... After the DH found the thread. Hmmmm.

 

[Laura66]

... After the DH found the thread. Hmmmm.

I'm thinking the same thing. And I really appreciate the post from a guy a few posts up. Really makes you think about how a lot of guys do get hit.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh no, please don't think you upset me! It's ok, I'm not upset at all about it.


So my DH found this thread. We went to therapy and he has left for a trial period of a week. The therapist is really great and very helpful to us & even gave us homework for the week. But we all agreed the week long break is the right thing to do right now. We have to decide where we will go for there in a session we have set up for next week. In the meantime I have an appointment alone on Friday.

I want to apologize if some of my posts seem confusing. I am not in the right state of mind right now. I'm trying to be open and honest because I really do need advice and help from others. It's hard to sum up a 20 year marriage on a message board. There is good & bad in all of us & my husband is not all bad. But I still need to do what's right for me. The couple of sessions we have had intherapy has really been an eye opener. Just today we found out things about DH that he wasn't hapy with & that he needs to change for himsel too.

I hope whatever happens from here will just be the right thing for both of us and our children. I just don't know what that "right thing" is.

I am really glad you are not angry, and even happier that you are seeing a therapist and getting some outside and professional help in figuring it all out. It DOES sound to me like you are trying to be honest and forthright but are also very confused and not in a good place yourself at the moment--which is shy I think therapy can really help you (you want help and are willing to listen to other view points), and I truly hope you do not make any rash decisions in the mean time.

So, since the DH found this thread, and is likely reading this, here's some advice to him: (I'm trying to do this as kindly as possible, but I do realize there will be flames... lots and lots of flames)

First off, read her posts again, she's got the divorce already planned out.

As a Dad who is getting a Divorce, don't make some common mistakes. I would suggest you not move out, not even for a week. It establishes a status quo that will not help you during custody.

Google some Dads Divorce type sites and follow their advice. Too many fathers are taken by surprise when these things happen, and end up falling on their sword. Don't settle for the every-other-weekend-ripoff that so many do. Settle for nothing less than 50% custody with shared primary. She might be reasonable, and know that 50/50 is the best, but I can't really tell from her posts.

You have an advantage many fathers don't have, in that she's laid out her plans and goals here.

I've never been through a divorce, but I helped a very good friend through one, and there is some very good advice out there that will keep this divorce fair and equitable.

I won't flame you. I hope the OP doesn't do anything rash and does think about what is right and fair and act accordingly if she eventually decides to end her marriage, but I can also see that it would be important for her husband to think about the best way to handle it if she DOES do something rash, or unfair (and, honestly, expecting that she would get such large amounts of support no questions asked does seem to be a clue that she might not be as fair as she should be) and take steps to protect himself and his relationship with his children.

 

[cabanafrau]

So, since the DH found this thread, and is likely reading this, here's some advice to him: (I'm trying to do this as kindly as possible, but I do realize there will be flames... lots and lots of flames)

First off, read her posts again, she's got the divorce already planned out.

As a Dad who is getting a Divorce, don't make some common mistakes. I would suggest you not move out, not even for a week. It establishes a status quo that will not help you during custody.

Google some Dads Divorce type sites and follow their advice. Too many fathers are taken by surprise when these things happen, and end up falling on their sword. Don't settle for the every-other-weekend-ripoff that so many do. Settle for nothing less than 50% custody with shared primary. She might be reasonable, and know that 50/50 is the best, but I can't really tell from her posts.

You have an advantage many fathers don't have, in that she's laid out her plans and goals here.

I've never been through a divorce, but I helped a very good friend through one, and there is some very good advice out there that will keep this divorce fair and equitable.

Much of your advice is very good, however you may not realize that in much of the country the standard for child custody is 50/50 these days. What's rarely talked about is that's frequently quite difficult on the kids. Not that they don't want to see or spend time with both parents, but that with a real 50/50 split they spend a great deal of time in transition from one home to the next and that gets old. I'm talking even in cases of amicable, post divorce situations with two adults both fully capable and desiring to parent the kids.

Of course it's much worse when kids become pawns in a battle between parents or are completely disregarded, or as good as disregarded, by a parent. Parents forget to account for kids growing into their own lifestyles with their own interests, friends and events and suddenly invites to friends' birthday parties, soccer games, dance recitals, first communions, etc, become battlegrounds.

Parents made the choice to marry & have kids. It stinks that the kids are the real losers when it comes to divorce and they have none of the power to change things.

 

[Skywalker]

I am shocked that someone's entire future plan is to live off someone else (that they can't stand to be married to) while chasing their dream of a full time writing career. Sounds like a good gig to me, easier than winning a lottery even, but maybe not fair to the husband and kids. Reality is rarely ever this idealized vision we can build up in our heads, and when reality hits, and it will, don't forget you have children to think about.

And you are using his excessive work and school schedule as a reason to feel sorry for yourself that you have to do everything alone, yet you have no problem benefiting from the results of all your husband's hard work? And even plan to continue living off it after you've made your decision to be free and stand on your own two feet. Okay.

Sorry I guess I just don't understand this.

 

[Mortlives]

I am shocked that someone's entire future plan is to live off someone else (that they can't stand to be married to) while chasing their dream of a full time writing career. Sounds like a good gig to me, easier than winning a lottery even, but maybe not fair to the husband and kids. Reality is rarely ever this idealized vision we can build up in our heads, and when reality hits, and it will, don't forget you have children to think about.

And you are using his excessive work and school schedule as a reason to feel sorry for yourself that you have to do everything alone, yet you have no problem benefiting from the results of all your husband's hard work? And even plan to continue living off it after you've made your decision to be free and stand on your own two feet. Okay.

Sorry I guess I just don't understand this.

It's not just his hard work. He has been able to have the position and education he has in part because she stayed at home and took care of home and family.

 

[CC72197]

I am shocked that someone's entire future plan is to live off someone else (that they can't stand to be married to) while chasing their dream of a full time writing career. Sounds like a good gig to me, easier than winning a lottery even, but maybe not fair to the husband and kids. Reality is rarely ever this idealized vision we can build up in our heads, and when reality hits, and it will, don't forget you have children to think about.

And you are using his excessive work and school schedule as a reason to feel sorry for yourself that you have to do everything alone, yet you have no problem benefiting from the results of all your husband's hard work? And even plan to continue living off it after you've made your decision to be free and stand on your own two feet. Okay.

Sorry I guess I just don't understand this.

You don't understand cause you've got it all WRONG!!!
You are a stranger & I owe you no explanations but I'll indulge you just cause you've made me so angry.

When I met my husband he had Nothing. No home no money nothing. I moved him into my parents house after begging my parents to let him live with us. I have him my brand new car to use so he could find a job. He had bad credit that I helped perfect cause he had a bankruptcy & didn't know a thing about money. My father got him his current job & everything WE have we've built together. I had no ambition other than to be his wife & mother to our children & it was a mutual decision for me to stay home & raise our kids. It was only 2 years ago that I wanted something for ME. He went to school & I supported him every step of the way. I should get the same support.

You really sound like a scorned person. Projecting maybe?

 

[sk!mom]

I am shocked that someone's entire future plan is to live off someone else (that they can't stand to be married to) while chasing their dream of a full time writing career. Sounds like a good gig to me, easier than winning a lottery even, but maybe not fair to the husband and kids. Reality is rarely ever this idealized vision we can build up in our heads, and when reality hits, and it will, don't forget you have children to think about.

This is really harsh but honestly it's one of the things that really bothers me about your situation. You say that you want independence and things for yourself but want him (or other family) to support you financially. If you divorce, you certainly are entitled to your share of the community property. He would also owe you child support for a few years and possibly spousal support for some period of time. However you don't seem to have a realistic plan to be self supporting.

 

[phorsenuf]

I think lying to your children was wrong. You should have told them the truth regardless how hard it may have been. This is a huge breech of trust that could have lasting consequences.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

This is really harsh but honestly it's one of the things that really bothers me about your situation. You say that you want independence and things for yourself but want him (or other family) to support you financially. If you divorce, you certainly are entitled to your share of the community property. He would also owe you child support for a few years and possibly spousal support for some period of time. However you don't seem to have a realistic plan to be self supporting.

Thank you. This has been bothering me too. Spousal support isn't forever, it is a few years max.

 

[SamRoc]

Thank you. This has been bothering me too. Spousal support isn't forever, it is a few years max.

My girlfriend in New Jersey is getting lifetime alimony. Her ex has a really good construction firm so he was ordered to pay her this for life. She stayed home and cared for their 3 kids.

 

[JanaDee]

You don't understand cause you've got it all WRONG!!!
You are a stranger & I owe you no explanations but I'll indulge you just cause you've made me so angry.

When I met my husband he had Nothing. No home no money nothing. I moved him into my parents house after begging my parents to let him live with us. I have him my brand new car to use so he could find a job. He had bad credit that I helped perfect cause he had a bankruptcy & didn't know a thing about money. My father got him his current job & everything WE have we've built together. I had no ambition other than to be his wife & mother to our children & it was a mutual decision for me to stay home & raise our kids. It was only 2 years ago that I wanted something for ME. He went to school & I supported him every step of the way. I should get the same support.

You really sound like a scorned person. Projecting maybe?

Sometimes the truth hurts. If you want to be independent, that includes financially. Living off your ex while you get to fulfill your life's passion isn't being independent.

 

[Hannathy]

Ok I'm admitting to not reading all the pages BUt I don't get the major problem? What am I missing?

You want to write, so write! You don't have babies, they are big kids that need very little and will need even less in a few years. You want to go to school? Go only one stopping you is you. If you are as well off as you make it sound get cleaning help, pay someone to cut the grass, Unless he is abusing you what would you gain from leaving? You say you aren't fighting and are talking.

Are you ready for your children to maybe decide to stay with Dad if you move out? they will be asked who they want to live with and I personally know of a family that 2 of the 3 kids picked staying with Dad. so be prepared. Are you ready for the kids to hold you to blame for breaking up their home when there isn't a real reason that they can come up with? It could affect your relationship for ever.

Child support won't last very long, you have a 16 yr old that will be done soon. spousal support is a real iffy thing anymore especially if you are writing successfully.

the grass isn't always greener on the other side.