I need help, I'm so confused

[CC72197]

I'm a long time DIS member posting under a different name for privacy reasons.

I really could use some advice or maybe I just need to talk.

My marriage of 17 years is headed for separation and I am sitting here wondering how I got to this place. My husband & I have weathered many storms, but this time it's different.

I am a SAHM with 2 kids (16 & 11) They don't know what's going on. DH will be leaving the house today for a sort of trial basis so we can both have a moment to think, clear our heads & figure out what we want. We are telling the kids he's going on a business trip. I'm not even sure that's the right thing to do, but that's what we decided.

We aren't fighting, we are talking & we both started individual therapy & tomorrow we will go in together.

Our issues stem from long ago. We basically tried to turn crap into something good. That worked for awhile. We've had our ups & downs but we always end up in the same place. The respect is gone. We speak horribly to each other & then we started doing it in front of our kids.

I am at a place in my life where I recently finally started to do something for me. I've kind of found myself at almost 39 & am pursuing a career that I love & am passionate about. There are things in my life I will not put up with anymore. I am tired of putting everyone else in front of myself. My husband has always chased his dreams & I've taken care of our home, the bills, our kids, everything. It's my turn. But the dynamics of our relationship just can't remain the same because I am a different person now. I don't think my husband will be able to make the changes he needs to, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure it matters if he does.

I depend on him for everything, my life and world revolves around him & our kids. Financially I am also totally dependant on him & have never worked outside of the home. The career I'm in doesn't aloow me to make much money now, but could in the future. I'm terrified of having to support myself. I'm scared of being alone. I am so sad about doing this to our children.

But my husband has done so much to me in the past that I thought I could get over, but I feel I was left with a piece of me broken.

The crazy thing is, we work great as a team most of the time when it comes to our kids & things pertaining to the household. If you see us you'd think we were the happiest couple. Everyone in our family looks up to us cause we are the only couple still together. But no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

I'm just so scared and confused. I'm not eating or sleeping properly & that's really bad because I have health issues & really need to take better care of myself.

I just feel like we are both changing so much and it's either going to lead us in diffeerent directions or towards each other in a completely different way than we have been for the last 17+ years. All I know is that things can't stay the same because I feel like I'm drowning

 

[htmom]

I'm a long time DIS member posting under a different name for privacy reasons.

I really could use some advice or maybe I just need to talk.

My marriage of 17 years is headed for separation and I am sitting here wondering how I got to this place. My husband & I have weathered many storms, but this time it's different.

I am a SAHM with 2 kids (16 & 11) They don't know what's going on. DH will be leaving the house today for a sort of trial basis so we can both have a moment to think, clear our heads & figure out what we want. We are telling the kids he's going on a business trip. I'm not even sure that's the right thing to do, but that's what we decided.

We aren't fighting, we are talking & we both started individual therapy & tomorrow we will go in together.

Our issues stem from long ago. We basically tried to turn crap into something good. That worked for awhile. We've had our ups & downs but we always end up in the same place. The respect is gone. We speak horribly to each other & then we started doing it in front of our kids.

I am at a place in my life where I recently finally started to do something for me. I've kind of found myself at almost 39 & am pursuing a career that I love & am passionate about. There are things in my life I will not put up with anymore. I am tired of putting everyone else in front of myself. My husband has always chased his dreams & I've taken care of our home, the bills, our kids, everything. It's my turn. But the dynamics of our relationship just can't remain the same because I am a different person now. I don't think my husband will be able to make the changes he needs to, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure it matters if he does.

I depend on him for everything, my life and world revolves around him & our kids. Financially I am also totally dependant on him & have never worked outside of the home. The career I'm in doesn't aloow me to make much money now, but could in the future. I'm terrified of having to support myself. I'm scared of being alone. I am so sad about doing this to our children.

But my husband has done so much to me in the past that I thought I could get over, but I feel I was left with a piece of me broken.

The crazy thing is, we work great as a team most of the time when it comes to our kids & things pertaining to the household. If you see us you'd think we were the happiest couple. Everyone in our family looks up to us cause we are the only couple still together. But no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

I'm just so scared and confused. I'm not eating or sleeping properly & that's really bad because I have health issues & really need to take better care of myself.

I just feel like we are both changing so much and it's either going to lead us in diffeerent directions or towards each other in a completely different way than we have been for the last 17+ years. All I know is that things can't stay the same because I feel like I'm drowning

Hugs. Take it day by day. Make sure if he leaves you are in an OK financial position.

 

[cabanafrau]

I hope therapy is a very positive force for you and you are able to find focus and move toward your future goals based on that. I really can't offer you more than that based on what you've written because I don't really understand the picture.

Best of luck to you.

 

[It'sOffToDisneyWeGo]

No advice. Just a .

 

[Kellydelly]

I'm a long time DIS member posting under a different name for privacy reasons.

I really could use some advice or maybe I just need to talk.

My marriage of 17 years is headed for separation and I am sitting here wondering how I got to this place. My husband & I have weathered many storms, but this time it's different.

I am a SAHM with 2 kids (16 & 11) They don't know what's going on. DH will be leaving the house today for a sort of trial basis so we can both have a moment to think, clear our heads & figure out what we want. We are telling the kids he's going on a business trip. I'm not even sure that's the right thing to do, but that's what we decided.

We aren't fighting, we are talking & we both started individual therapy & tomorrow we will go in together.

Our issues stem from long ago. We basically tried to turn crap into something good. That worked for awhile. We've had our ups & downs but we always end up in the same place. The respect is gone. We speak horribly to each other & then we started doing it in front of our kids.

I am at a place in my life where I recently finally started to do something for me. I've kind of found myself at almost 39 & am pursuing a career that I love & am passionate about. There are things in my life I will not put up with anymore. I am tired of putting everyone else in front of myself. My husband has always chased his dreams & I've taken care of our home, the bills, our kids, everything. It's my turn. But the dynamics of our relationship just can't remain the same because I am a different person now. I don't think my husband will be able to make the changes he needs to, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure it matters if he does.

I depend on him for everything, my life and world revolves around him & our kids. Financially I am also totally dependant on him & have never worked outside of the home. The career I'm in doesn't aloow me to make much money now, but could in the future. I'm terrified of having to support myself. I'm scared of being alone. I am so sad about doing this to our children.

But my husband has done so much to me in the past that I thought I could get over, but I feel I was left with a piece of me broken.

The crazy thing is, we work great as a team most of the time when it comes to our kids & things pertaining to the household. If you see us you'd think we were the happiest couple. Everyone in our family looks up to us cause we are the only couple still together. But no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

I'm just so scared and confused. I'm not eating or sleeping properly & that's really bad because I have health issues & really need to take better care of myself.

I just feel like we are both changing so much and it's either going to lead us in diffeerent directions or towards each other in a completely different way than we have been for the last 17+ years. All I know is that things can't stay the same because I feel like I'm drowning

Not enough information to give any advice. As far as the kids go, do you really think they are clueless about the status of your relationship? How is the counseling going? If you are both going, does that mean you are both invested in trying to make your marriage work?

 

[CC72197]

Thanks for the hugs.
Sorry if I was too vague. My husband is very controlling & I guess I am not ok with that anymore. I've allowed a lot of things to happen because I had the attitude that the good out weighed the bad. I've allowed myself to be disrespected repeatedly. To the point that I totally lost myself in this marriage. I don't know where he ends and I begin.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I think counselling is a very good idea. You need someone to talk everything through with who can help you figure out whether this can be salvaged or not and to help you prepare if you do need to go it alone.

Of course you are scared and confused. You are talking about huge changes to your life and your children's lives. These changes may, ultimately, be better for everyone but it is still going to be scary and difficult for a long time.

TP

 

[pryncess527]

Thanks for the hugs.
Sorry if I was too vague. My husband is very controlling & I guess I am not ok with that anymore. I've allowed a lot of things to happen because I had the attitude that the good out weighed the bad. I've allowed myself to be disrespected repeatedly. To the point that I totally lost myself in this marriage. I don't know where he ends and I begin.

I have no sage words of wisdom, but I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of self-reflection and thinking about what you want/need, which is good. I hope therapy helps you find a path forward, either with or without him.

 

[cabanafrau]

I am very glad I didn't try to offer up any advice, because your response really has me more stumped. I hope you have an excellent therapist who can help you remove some of the barriers you have to sorting your situation out.

I can imagine you are stressed and suffering and I hope you're able to find some peacefulness about your situation soon, although I realize actual resolution may take quite some time. Best wishes for peacefulness to you.

 

[Mortlives]

Thanks for the hugs.
Sorry if I was too vague. My husband is very controlling & I guess I am not ok with that anymore. I've allowed a lot of things to happen because I had the attitude that the good out weighed the bad. I've allowed myself to be disrespected repeatedly. To the point that I totally lost myself in this marriage. I don't know where he ends and I begin.

Stay strong. That is a hard situation to get out of. You have done so well to get started.

 

[NewRVLady]

Really look hard at this new career that you "might" make more $$ in future
This sounds sort of like a pyramid scheme or thinking your new craft may become successful
From women I know who thought they could make a go alone after being at home, many , years later are really struggling financially

 

[Stitchfans]

No advice. Just wishing you well.

 

[HM]

You say you're a SAHM but you also say you've recently started a career.

I'm glad you say you are both seeking counselling, together and alone. It sounds like your family may be able to work things out if you get the right help. You are both on the same page for the kids. Now you just need to get on the same page for each other. Good luck!!

 

[pryncess527]

Really look hard at this new career that you "might" make more $$ in future
This sounds sort of like a pyramid scheme or thinking your new craft may become successful
From women I know who thought they could make a go alone after being at home, many , years later are really struggling financially

Good point.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know from such limited info...
But, I really think that I see some similarity with your situation and some factors of my marriage with my husband.

Of course, I would be very, very, hopeful that some counseling would help!!!
But, being ten years further than you into a relationship where the husband always seems to be what is most important, and somewhat of a control thing... I can not honestly say that I think that counseling would be the answer. It is my belief and experience that underlying things like this just do not change. Not really...

It really does sound like you have come a long way, are at a huge crossroads... and the journey could take one of several different directions. And, that not-knowing, but something has to change... is one of the most stressful and HARDEST situations!!!!

So, I send you many hugs...

You can send me a PM if you would like to hear more details of my situation, and any thoughts or small words of advice that I might have.

You do have a place to vent and some support here on the DIS!

PS: I do agree that you should be very, very, objective and realistic when considering how a 'possible' career and income might play out and effect your situation.

 

[Anna114]

Counseling should help both of you decide if this marriage is worth saving. You will survive this no matter it's ending. Stay strong and remember the two most important people in this equation are the children. I hope this ends the way you want it to end, good luck!

 

[SusieB]

Hugs... what a hard place to be in.

First - I think counseling is a must. The fact that you're both going speaks volumes to me. Be open and honest with the counselor, but remember if you're going to couples and individual, you can run some of your "dirty laundry" past the individual counselor before you drop a bombshell in the couple's session.

Second - I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer some advice: I've been where you are. I've thought I had nothing else to give and couldn't stand - for one more second - the way I was being treated. My divorce was quick and amicable. and maybe a mistake. Doesn't mean yours is, just that there are some things I wish friends or a counselor had cautioned me to think about.

For me, one of the biggest things is that you will never ever have that man to rely on the same way again. Is that ok with you? maybe it is - only you know the right answer. I had thought long and hard about what my life was going to be after the divorce, but I never really addressed what life was going to be without him.

Get advice - and listen to it - about financial matters. I left the marriage - financially - in a way that meant I could still sleep at night - but I was the primary breadwinner. My lawyer about had a cow when he saw the agreement I signed. I was pretty confident in my ability to recover financially, so my ex got far more than he should have. I'm still ok with the settlement (except those times that he moans it wasn't fair. You're darn tooting it wasn't fair! I was taken to the cleaners!)

Realize that eventually you will see him with another woman. Can you handle that like an adult? If not, why not. because you still love him? or because you need to grow up and put on your big girl panties. Flip side - eventually he will see you with another man. Can you handle that? If you're going to be embarrassed about it, or witchy about it, why? do you still love him, or do you need to grow up?

All your stories until now include him. Are you going to miss him in those stories that haven't been told yet? You always planned _______ (to buy an RV, to retire to Arizona, to take the kids to Europe on a graduation trip, etc). If those plans still happen - either because you go through with it or he does - will you be ok?

Clearly, this is my perspective, but I wish my friends had pushed me to think through some of this. In my case, my friends all wanted me to get divorced, they thought the relationship was terrible. That's all well and good, and I can really see their point, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I'm going on three years and still don't really have the right answers to some of those questions. my suggestion is you try to answer them before the divorce is final.

I wish you the best. This is a hard spot to be in. I hope you find the path that is best for you, whether it's with him or without him.

 

[Terapin]

Our relationships sound very similar. I was in your shoes a year ago - but I am financially independent, so that aspect is dissimilar.

Only you know if you can stay and make it bearable.

For me I ended my marriage because I finally believed I deserved happiness. True happiness. Ending my marriage was very difficult, and my ex wanted to continue trying but I was miserable and felt like I was losing myself completely and felt very depressed. I knew that I didn't love him as a spouse anymore and needed to make a different life for myself.

We separated a year ago and things have really changed. I am living in a different house with a new partner (yes, that was very fast - not planned and I didn't know him when I left my spouse). I stayed in the matrimonial home until 10 days ago when I moved into my new house. Ex rented an apartment, and then bought the family house from me. I think he is as stable as he will be, and I am happy that he is in his own home.

I am thrilled. I am finally happy. I have dreams about what it was like to live with him and I feel completely suffocatingly trapped. I was more unhappy than I let myself feel, and once he left it was like the sun came out from behind the clouds. Coping with our huge dysfunction was so much work and it was exhausting. I was definitely part of the bad dynamic - the failure of our marriage rests on my shoulders.

Even had I not met a new partner whom I ADORE and absolutely love, I would feel a hundred times better.

We were able to hammer out a sep agreement and I think the kids have transitioned well. I wanted the best for them and I truly believe that although this year was hard on them, their lives will be so much better from here on out. Stable, happy and comfortable. Ex and I can talk about the kids but do not have any contact otherwise. It works.

Best of luck to you while you sort this out.

 

[CC72197]

Thank you all for such really good, sound advice.

As for the career, I'm a writer and have seen sucess in books I have written in the past 2 years. I know I cannot support myself on what I have going on right now, but in the future, I could have a small amunt of money coming in, meaning enough to let's say reasonably cover a car payment.
We don't have credit card debt or student loans. We have a mortgage, but we have equaity in the house. There's a 401K, savings, etc... Also 2 DVC contracts (paid off) We do have 2 leased vehicles. My husband makes a good living (I've never had to work) & after seeing my sister & mother go through a divorce, I know what I'm entitled to and I *think I would be ok. I have family that would help & support me. That doesn't mean that I'm not freaking out about the finances though. It's so scary to me to think about not having him to depend on like I do. Which is part of why I feel I need to be seprate from him. I need to grow up, be independant, feel like I'm with him because I want to be, not because I need to be. Sorry if I'm not making any sense.

I am at a crossroads & I'm so scared of making the wrong decision especially for my kids.

 

[Laura66]

Not enough information to give any advice. As far as the kids go, do you really think they are clueless about the status of your relationship? How is the counseling going? If you are both going, does that mean you are both invested in trying to make your marriage work?

This. The 11 year old isn't gonna buy the business trip story. None of my kids would have from about age 6 and up.
I'd be honest with them - something's gonna slip and they'll know you two have been lying. They won't trust you and their imaginations could run wild with worry.