I need help, I'm so confused

[arminnie]

If you want to BE independent you have to BE independent. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and not rely on others. period. dot.

I NEVER had any backup - literally from age 11 on I purchased everything I got (except for food and a place to live).

Believe me it often wasn't easy. Sometimes it was downright crappy.

If I could learn how to take care of myself as a teen you surely can do it as an adult.

 

[Christine]

I agree with much that's been said.

Someone I know has been in a marriage to a "domineering" type of person. When she was young, she put up with it and went along with everything to keep the peace. If she did things he didn't like, she got the silent treatment for days, or 'the look' or something along the lines to make her miserable. It was never physical. After she put up with that for 20 years, she finally had enough. Not that she left him or anything, but she decided to do what she wanted to do. She went out with friends if she wanted, went away on trips if she wanted, etc. Sure, he acted like a jerk but she made up her mind that she wasn't going to let his attitude stop her from doing the things she wanted to do.

He still cops and attitude but it is much less and he knows now that she's not taking his crap, so in that way, her life has gotten much better.

The one difference is that she happens to be the "breadwinner" in the family and she could walk away at anytime.

As another poster said, I really urge you to find a job. I realize you were a SAHM for the kids and you were there for them, but this has really put you in a bind. I think that being in a bad marriage (and you've known this for a long time) and choosing to become dependent on someone who is controlling is one of the worst things you can.

Just go out and find some work. Get some independence. It will do a world of good for you and it will also "reset" the dynamic between you and your husband. You really need to do that. As long as you don't hold employment, you are really just a leaf in the wind. I know you said you think you can do it, but honestly, I don't know how you could leave at this point. My cousin did do it: she was a SAHM with two young children. She basically had to move back with her parents and be fully supported by them until she could get on her feet.

 

[TLuvsD]

Keep in mind that you don't have to do anything today. Take a breath. Give the therapy a chance (for both of you). You didn't get to this place in two weeks, it's not likely all the issues will be resolved in two weeks.

You can take steps towards independence. If you aren't comfortable going out of state, fine. But maybe there is a local conference you can attend on your own. Maybe a job interview. Whatever that is a step forward.

I hope you can work things out, if that's what both you and your DH want. In the meantime, take those first steps towards independence...and take some safety steps as well...copy tax returns, bank statements. See how much is in college savings (I know a couple of kids who got caught in the middle of their parents divorce and college funding).

Take however much time you need to get to a place where you are making clear decisions. Good luck.

 

[pigletgirl]

OP, I've only read your post and not any of the responses so I do apologize if my feedback has been already mentioned.

It's time to be honest with your kids. They'll be more hurt and disappointed if you lie to them. Sit down as a family (with your husband!) and let them talk and ask questions if they need too. This is a major change in their lives and they will need to know that Mom and Dad love them no matter the circumstance.

I hope that therapy can help figure out which direction your family needs to go.

Good luck, OP.

 

[denisenh]

Instead, wake up everyday and decide to do something that will make a change for the better for your future.

That is how I choose to live life.

love that!

op, I think that going to the convention without DH is something you deserve and would do you and your family some good. Sometimes a bit of a "breather" works wonders.

 

[LisaR]

If you want to BE independent you have to BE independent. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and not rely on others. period. dot.

I NEVER had any backup - literally from age 11 on I purchased everything I got (except for food and a place to live).

Believe me it often wasn't easy. Sometimes it was downright crappy.

If I could learn how to take care of myself as a teen you surely can do it as an adult.

While I think the OP'er can do anything she sets her mind to, her situation is quite different than yours. You didn't have to worry about two of the most important and expensive things: food and shelter. While I think it is great that you purchased everything else starting at age 11, how much does an 11 y/o need to buy? The OP'er not only needs to provide food, shelter, and everything else for herself, but she has two kids, one with special needs, that she will be responsible for including food, shelter, clothing, medical needs and care, activities, transportation, etc. She isn't the first one to find herself in this position and certainly won't be the last, and I firmly believe she can do it, but saying you did it while you were 11 just seems like an apples to donuts comparison.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are - actually I'd say for years I was.

You have made the first step of counseling. I think you owe it to your kids to try & work it out.

If you want to go for a week long intensive counseling session. I recommend National Institute of Marriage.

 

[lauradis]

My advice is go to therapy, school, and hang in there for 7 more years till last child is an adult.

I believe any marriage is workable unless there are beatings or drug abuse.

Good luck hunny marriage isn't easy most of the time.

 

[sk!mom]

Counseling is a good first step. A job is the obvious next step. You will not be independent without financial independence. I know this will sound harsh so I'm sorry but there does seem to be a bit of wanting things both ways. I want freedom and autonomy but I'll need him to support that financially. Please don't think that being broke and alone is going to make everything better. Get a job, go to the conference, and begin to make your own plans and decisions within the marriage while continuing counseling. By the time you have a solid financial plan in place you will know if the marriage is worth putting any more effort into. I know that seems to be longer than you want to continue but really 17 years was a long time to remain a SAHM if it wasn't working so a few years to establish yourself in a realistic career isn't long by comparison.

 

[portia9]

What do I want out of this? I want to be an equal. I want to be able to go places without permission. I want to be supported in my writing and I want respect. I want to have my feelings and dreams put first for once. I want a partner in raising our kids & dealing with my daughters illness. I want someone who won't curse me out & tell me I'm stupid. I want to be with a man because I choose to, not because I feel I have no other choice.

And you have every right to have that.

I left my difficult marriage over 2 years ago. Things aren't easy but I am so much more relaxed.

We also had a history of abuse. It really colours everything.

You have a lot of strength if you are able to want a different life for yourself. It is possible.

 

[portia9]

There is a distinct lack of understanding in this thread of what constitutes abuse. It isn't just about someone hitting you. In fact most abusers don't need to hit their partners.

http://www.bdvs.org.au/information/types-of-abuse

 

[CC72197]

Just wanted to post an update.
DH packed his bags & is leaving today. We are taking a "breather" for a week. That's the plan right now. We told the kids he's going away for his job & they thought it was cool & just asked if he would be able to call/text them. He said yes & they were fine.

We have a therapy appointment today together. Friday we go separately.

I have never been away from my DH even for one night since we have been married. When I gave birth he even stood with me at the hospital! So a week apart for us is huge. I am just trying to see if I can do my day to day stuff without him.

I've given up on going to the out of state conference. But there is one in my state in Oct that I will go to. It's only for a day and I will go alone.

I want to thank you all for such really good advice. Everything that you are all saying is the truth & I know it. This is just a huge change for me & I do need to take baby steps.

Thank you all!

 

[NewRVLady]

I do want to just clear up that I didn't start writing last week & then told my husband I want to to out of state conventions. I have been writing for 4 years & have been published for 2 years.

Congrats

I have heard its next to impossible for a new author to get published-and you have 2 books published? Is this like a certain genre-romance, sci-fi-fan fiction that is online published?

Just wondering -I have a book about my year as a model/teen fashion member, that I want to write about one day

 

[NHdisneylover]

I really hope that therapy helps you sort out where your issues are and how best to address them. I am glad you are getting that help--expect it to take time and not to have answers in only one week.


I want to point out (and, obviously I do not know how much is perception and how much is reality or what kind of look you received, etc), but since you accidentally posted from your phone, I was able to look at some of your more recent prior threads--and only a few months ago you described YOURself as a "control freak" Don't discount the possibility that there are control issues on both sides, especially since you also mentioned not getting along well with most of your family (which also might mean less support from them than you are hoping for?)

And, um, I mean this nicely, but just form what little I read it seems like you are used to a pretty well off lifestyle (you spent more on a 16th birthday party than I spent on my wedding ) which is FINE--but really think about what the culture shock of supporting yourself at what will likely be a much lower income level will feel like to you.

Also, reading your newest update and seeing that you have not spent a single night away from your husband in the 17 years you have been married--think about how you will feel being alone most nights. Your kids are getting older and will be out with their own friends, and off in their own lives soon. You need to be okay with being just you for a lot of the time if you do decide to dissolve this marriage.


BTW--I am not trying to say not to consider leaving; only that you really need to look at ALL the ramifications of doing so and make a really honest assessment of what it would entail and how you would be able to cope if you did. Make sure that you are not blaming your husband or your relationship for things that are really not the root issue and will really not be solved by ending that relationship, before you make any rash decisions and leave yourself worse off. Anything less wouldn't be fair to you, or your husband or your kids.

 

[JanaDee]

Just wanted to post an update.
DH packed his bags & is leaving today. We are taking a "breather" for a week. That's the plan right now. We told the kids he's going away for his job & they thought it was cool & just asked if he would be able to call/text them. He said yes & they were fine.

We have a therapy appointment today together. Friday we go separately.

I have never been away from my DH even for one night since we have been married. When I gave birth he even stood with me at the hospital! So a week apart for us is huge. I am just trying to see if I can do my day to day stuff without him.

I've given up on going to the out of state conference. But there is one in my state in Oct that I will go to. It's only for a day and I will go alone.

I want to thank you all for such really good advice. Everything that you are all saying is the truth & I know it. This is just a huge change for me & I do need to take baby steps.

Thank you all!

A lot of men stay with their wives at the hospital.

 

[CC72197]

A lot of men stay with their wives at the hospital.

I didn't post that because I thought it was bad, I just wanted to explain that not even for that were we apart.

 

[ronandannette]

Questions: How do you think your husband would describe your current situation? Is he willingly participating in this trial separation and the counselling? Does he agree with your assessment of the imbalances in your relationship and agree something needs to change? Is HE happy with YOU or is he also ready to move on?

 

[JanaDee]

I didn't post that because I thought it was bad, I just wanted to explain that not even for that were we apart.

Oh, ok, I thought you were posting it to show another example of how you believed he was controlling.

 

[CC72197]

A lot of men stay with their wives at the hospital.

I really hope that therapy helps you sort out where your issues are and how best to address them. I am glad you are getting that help--expect it to take time and not to have answers in only one week.


I want to point out (and, obviously I do not know how much is perception and how much is reality or what kind of look you received, etc), but since you accidentally posted from your phone, I was able to look at some of your more recent prior threads--and only a few months ago you described YOURself as a "control freak" Don't discount the possibility that there are control issues on both sides, especially since you also mentioned not getting along well with most of your family (which also might mean less support from them than you are hoping for?)

And, um, I mean this nicely, but just form what little I read it seems like you are used to a pretty well off lifestyle (you spent more on a 16th birthday party than I spent on my wedding ) which is FINE--but really think about what the culture shock of supporting yourself at what will likely be a much lower income level will feel like to you.

Also, reading your newest update and seeing that you have not spent a single night away from your husband in the 17 years you have been married--think about how you will feel being alone most nights. Your kids are getting older and will be out with their own friends, and off in their own lives soon. You need to be okay with being just you for a lot of the time if you do decide to dissolve this marriage.


BTW--I am not trying to say not to consider leaving; only that you really need to look at ALL the ramifications of doing so and make a really honest assessment of what it would entail and how you would be able to cope if you did. Anything less wouldn't be fair to you, or your husband or your kids.

Please know I don't take any offense or think you are trying to be mean.
We didn't do the sweet 16 party cause DD changed her mind & we went on a Disney cruise instead.

Yes you are right I do live a well off lifestyle & believe me I know what I stand to loose financially. I'm really trying to look at everything from all angles.

I have a crazy family but one thing is certain. They would do anything for me & I know they would help me in any way I need. My sister got divorced (twice) and we all pulled together to help her. My father has money & wrote her a $50,000 check to help her get on her feet! I don't expect that but I do know if I need it, it's there. BUT I don't want to go from depending on my husband to depending on my father! I NEED to learn how to do things on my own.

And I just wanted to say that seeing my sisters divorce & my parents, neither were like you all are mentioning the financial side to be. I'm trying to be smart about things & have researched & talked to my sister. My husband would have to give me 25% of his paycheck. On top of that spousal support because I have never worked outside of the home. I am entitled to half of everything as well as his pension. Would I have to sell the house & go live in an apartment? Maybe & I would be ok with that.

Just as an example, my sisters exhusband makes less money than mine & they had 3 kids. With child support & spousal support she got about $2000 per month. She got herself a job & got half of their savings & equity when they sold their house. Add to that what my dad gave her & she's doing well.

My mother in her divorce pulled in $60,000 a year in child support & spousal support & my DH makes more money than my dad did.

Maybe I'm bring naive but I know I can find a job & do what I have to do for my kids. I just don't think it'll be as bad as you all are saying. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because I really don't want to use finances as an excuse to stay. That's not right for my DH nor for myself.

 

[cabanafrau]

I really hope that therapy helps you sort out where your issues are and how best to address them. I am glad you are getting that help--expect it to take time and not to have answers in only one week.


I want to point out (and, obviously I do not know how much is perception and how much is reality or what kind of look you received, etc), but since you accidentally posted from your phone, I was able to look at some of your more recent prior threads--and only a few months ago you described YOURself as a "control freak" Don't discount the possibility that there are control issues on both sides, especially since you also mentioned not getting along well with most of your family (which also might mean less support from them than you are hoping for?)

And, um, I mean this nicely, but just form what little I read it seems like you are used to a pretty well off lifestyle (you spent more on a 16th birthday party than I spent on my wedding ) which is FINE--but really think about what the culture shock of supporting yourself at what will likely be a much lower income level will feel like to you.

Also, reading your newest update and seeing that you have not spent a single night away from your husband in the 17 years you have been married--think about how you will feel being alone most nights. Your kids are getting older and will be out with their own friends, and off in their own lives soon. You need to be okay with being just you for a lot of the time if you do decide to dissolve this marriage.


BTW--I am not trying to say not to consider leaving; only that you really need to look at ALL the ramifications of doing so and make a really honest assessment of what it would entail and how you would be able to cope if you did. Make sure that you are not blaming your husband or your relationship for things that are really not the root issue and will really not be solved by ending that relationship, before you make any rash decisions and leave yourself worse off. Anything less wouldn't be fair to you, or your husband or your kids.

So it's not just in this thread that the situation is contradictory? That tells me a lot.