I need help, I'm so confused

[CC72197]

...really? You got 2 offers from publishers and decided self-publishing was better. Right. lol. I know a lot of writers and 2 publishers making offers (do you have an agent? Did you submit to these publishers?) is very rare and to turn them down is like a sports prospect turning down the major leagues because they prefer playing in their little town field. If you are serious about your career, not a good move.

Obviously you know nothing about the publishing industry, especially in my genre. The offers I had were with ebook presses in my genre, not one of the big 6. As a self publisher I own the rights, make a larger profit per book, get to control every aspect of the cover, marketing, etc.. For me it was better to self publish. I don't regret it & it's working for me.

 

[ronandannette]

I agree with everything you've said.

I also find it interesting the OP writes romance novels and has become increasingly unhappy with her life and marriage as those fictitious stories developed.

I get exactly where you are going with this. No offence intended to the OP (I've never read your stuff and I can't judge it), but romance materials have been referred to as the equivalent to "porn" for women as it stimulates a desire for fantasy situations that are impossible to attain and dull the appetite for being satisfied with real, flesh and blood relationships.

 

[Skywalker]

Obviously you know nothing about the publishing industry, especially in my genre.

Oh how wrong you are lol.

 

[CC72197]

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, that so many of you think I am a liar. I don't know how or what I need to say to prove that I am not a liar & really I shouldn't care.

My DH was at work & came home yesterday before we had our session. He told me he saw this post on here. I was angry he was snooping, but whatver. Then we went to therapy. When we came back he left.

As for the abuse, the physical all happened when we were dating and about 2 years into our marriage. After a lot of therapy & anger management, my DH changed that aspect of himself. He never laid a hand on me again, but the damage was done. The dynamics of our relationship have always been the same whether he put his hands on me or not. He would tell me how to dress, how to do my hair, who to be friends with, etc... I was so enamored by him, because he was cute, and smart & funny that I took his controlling behavior as a sign he really cared about me. I know I got myself involved with someone like him because of my issues with my past and family. I stayed because I have no education I had a baby & depended on him. Very stupid of me. Fast foward to our life now & he is successful & we have so much and 2 beautiful kids. But, no one knows what I put up with behind closed doors. I am put down, told I am stupid, yelled at, cursed at and made to feel less than him. One minute he tells me I'm beautiful, the next he'll make me feel so low & tell me I'm lucky to have him cause no one else will want me.

He tried to be supportive of my writer but has never read anything I wrote. Just recently he did andI won't repeat the names I was called. He thinks my writing will lead to me cheating. He simply will not allow me to talk to other men because he is so jealous. (not that I'm saying I want to talk to other men, I mean like if we are at a party.) He even recently got angy at me because a male cousin of mine was texting me!

I'm not sayingmy DH is all bad because he does have some great qualities too. And he admits to all of his bad behavior, says he knows it's wrong & at this point he has told me he will fight for our marriage no matter what it takes. I believe him, but I'll always have a wall up, am I making sense?

I don't know what will happen with my marriage, but divorce was never an option for me and I really don't want that now either. If we could get to a place where we are both feeling our needs met onour own and then with each other than I think we have a chance. I know I have issues & need to make changes too.

But I have never been a victom like some have said here. I don't think any grass is greener on the other side, and I never said my husband was a monster.

 

[CC72197]

Oh how wrong you are lol.

You obviously have a serious issue with me so why are you bothering posting here?

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I don't believe I said I thought it was easy. I even pointed out my toughts on what I would get in a divorce & then stated maybe I was being naive.

I also don't believe I stated I ws getting a divorce & wans't going to try.

I said we were seperating (he already left but just on a trial basis for 1 week) and we were both going to counseling. We aren't there just to work on ourselves, but on the marriage.

I'm just trying to see all sides of this and figure out what's best for me & my kids. And for the poster who said I'm all about me & not my kids. You would put your foot in your mouth if you knew me in real life. That is so far off base & far from the truth. My kids are my life & I am a damn good mother.

I have been divorced for many years now. I'm also a writer. This is not an easy way to support a family, but it is possible.

I don't agree with people who suggest you are being selfish and not caring about your children. When one partner is being controlling and disrespectful of the other, what message does it send to the children when you go along with that and stay in the relationship? Children learn what to expect in relationships from what they see with their parents. If counselling is not able to resolve these issues, then leaving may be the best thing for your children: they will see that you believe abusive behaviour is wrong and not to be tolerated, and that example may help them if they find themselves in an abusive situation in the future. That's a very valuable gift to give them.

You might look for local support groups who can help you through this. When I was first getting divorced there was a Parents Without Partners group in my community that was very helpful to me. There was a group of women who met twice a month and helped each other navigate the legal system, find local resources (food banks, clothing donations, etc.) and just support each other.

TP

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, I was skeptical from the start and decided to give you the benefit of the doubt because you said you were confused, and your first post was indeed confusing. When you initially responded that your spouse was controlling it caught my attention because it didn't fit what you had outlined. I urged and continued to urge therapy. If you've given real information here I think you better be evaluated for depression.

I cautioned about what happens in divorces when rubber meets the road. I think I have a good handle on the subject because I'm involved in so many of them because of my work. You told me you knew better.

Now this thing has degenerated into a complete mess. I have no idea about your real persona & details of your past threads other than what's come up in here. What has been talked about here really raises my skepticism, but your words in this thread are not credible on their own.

You angrily responded to another poster, claiming your contributions to your DH's success. Reading those back all I could think was, her contribution or her daddy's? You moved him into your parents' home. That's not your contribution. You gave him your new car to drive. I bet you can guess what my speculation is there. Same goes for you perfecting his credit. Your own words say your daddy got him his job. You've mentioned several times DH is unahppy w/ his career & contemplating making a move. Are you looking to make the break ahead of his diminishing financial prospects? I also strongly suspect your DH may be looking to break away from your daddy's own company. I see plenty of room here to reasonably wonder if your DH hasn't been being controlled since you swept him off his feet.

No, you're right, it's impossible to explain an entire relationship here -- for good reason. Too much of your own words lead me to believe you are being deceptive. If I'm wrong, it's all on me. Either way, I stand solidly on my recommendation for you to seek therapy.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I don't know what will happen with my marriage, but divorce was never an option for me and I really don't want that now either. If we could get to a place where we are both feeling our needs met onour own and then with each other than I think we have a chance. I know I have issues & need to make changes too.

But I have never been a victom like some have said here. I don't think any grass is greener on the other side, and I never said my husband was a monster.

Well the way you describe him, he sounds like a monster just by the things you said. Sorry.

I have a question regarding the first bolded part. Whats the point of the week long trial separation if you two know for a fact that divorce is NOT an option? You said you are not considering divorce, but is he thinking about it? Is that why youre separating?

I guess its not a bad thing to take a break....but normally when ppl do a trial separation, they have the idea of divorce in their minds.

 

[CC72197]

OP, I was skeptical from the start and decided to give you the benefit of the doubt because you said you were confused, and your first post was indeed confusing. When you initially responded that your spouse was controlling it caught my attention because it didn't fit what you had outlined. I urged and continued to urge therapy. If you've given real information here I think you better be evaluated for depression.

I cautioned about what happens in divorces when rubber meets the road. I think I have a good handle on the subject because I'm involved in so many of them because of my work. You told me you knew better.

Now this thing has degenerated into a complete mess. I have no idea about your real persona & details of your past threads other than what's come up in here. What has been talked about here really raises my skepticism, but your words in this thread are not credible on their own.

You angrily responded to another poster, claiming your contributions to your DH's success. Reading those back all I could think was, her contribution or her daddy's? You moved him into your parents' home. That's not your contribution. You gave him your new car to drive. I bet you can guess what my speculation is there. Same goes for you perfecting his credit. Your own words say your daddy got him his job. You've mentioned several times DH is unahppy w/ his career & contemplating making a move. Are you looking to make the break ahead of his diminishing financial prospects? I also strongly suspect your DH may be looking to break away from your daddy's own company. I see plenty of room here to reasonably wonder if your DH hasn't been being controlled since you swept him off his feet.

No, you're right, it's impossible to explain an entire relationship here -- for good reason. Too much of your own words lead me to believe you are being deceptive. If I'm wrong, it's all on me. Either way, I stand solidly on my recommendation for you to seek therapy.

I think you are right, and I think I may be depressed.

I felt attacked & am in a very vulnerable place & I lashed out to another poster.

My new car was purchased by me, not my dad, I had money saved from my childhood & since I didn't go to college, just worked, I used the money to buy a car and then I let him use it as his own & he dropped me off & picked me up after work while he used the car daily. He never paid any rent to my parents, or anything towards the car like insurance or gas, etc... but that was so long ago.

If DH makes a career change he will make more money, not less. He doesn't work for a company my father ownes (my dad is retired) but works for a big corporation & yes my father did get him that job, but my husband kept it working hard & moving himself up in the company.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, that so many of you think I am a liar. I don't know how or what I need to say to prove that I am not a liar & really I shouldn't care.

My DH was at work & came home yesterday before we had our session. He told me he saw this post on here. I was angry he was snooping, but whatver. Then we went to therapy. When we came back he left.

As for the abuse, the physical all happened when we were dating and about 2 years into our marriage. After a lot of therapy & anger management, my DH changed that aspect of himself. He never laid a hand on me again, but the damage was done. The dynamics of our relationship have always been the same whether he put his hands on me or not. He would tell me how to dress, how to do my hair, who to be friends with, etc... I was so enamored by him, because he was cute, and smart & funny that I took his controlling behavior as a sign he really cared about me. I know I got myself involved with someone like him because of my issues with my past and family. I stayed because I have no education I had a baby & depended on him. Very stupid of me. Fast foward to our life now & he is successful & we have so much and 2 beautiful kids. But, no one knows what I put up with behind closed doors. I am put down, told I am stupid, yelled at, cursed at and made to feel less than him. One minute he tells me I'm beautiful, the next he'll make me feel so low & tell me I'm lucky to have him cause no one else will want me.

He tried to be supportive of my writer but has never read anything I wrote. Just recently he did andI won't repeat the names I was called. He thinks my writing will lead to me cheating. He simply will not allow me to talk to other men because he is so jealous. (not that I'm saying I want to talk to other men, I mean like if we are at a party.) He even recently got angy at me because a male cousin of mine was texting me!

I'm not sayingmy DH is all bad because he does have some great qualities too. And he admits to all of his bad behavior, says he knows it's wrong & at this point he has told me he will fight for our marriage no matter what it takes. I believe him, but I'll always have a wall up, am I making sense?

I don't know what will happen with my marriage, but divorce was never an option for me and I really don't want that now either. If we could get to a place where we are both feeling our needs met onour own and then with each other than I think we have a chance. I know I have issues & need to make changes too.

But I have never been a victom like some have said here. I don't think any grass is greener on the other side, and I never said my husband was a monster.

You need to walk away from this thread and let it die. It's not doing you any good. Really it's not. You are trying to justify changing your relationship and you are trying to defend it at the same time. This is bunch of people on the internet that should have no NO NO influence on your life. This is your marriage your children's lives and people on a Disney board judging and deciding probably isn't the way to make a choice.

I understand if you want support and hand holding but this isn't going to happen in this thread and probably not on this board. You need one specifically for that topic. Have you looked at resources for people with low self esteem or for support groups of people with marital issues.

The more you justify to bunch of strangers on an internet board that your husband is bad or did wrong or whatever happened in your marriage, all your doing is building a bigger defense in your head for whatever you want the outcome to be. If you want to figure your marriage out, write down all these thoughts and issues and memories and take them to your therapist. The DIS is a lot of things for sure but marriage therapy is about the least of what it can or should be.

 

[CC72197]

Well the way you describe him, he sounds like a monster just by the things you said. Sorry.

I have a question regarding the first bolded part. Whats the point of the week long trial separation if you two know for a fact that divorce is NOT an option? You said you are not considering divorce, but is he thinking about it? Is that why youre separating?

I guess its not a bad thing to take a break....but normally when ppl do a trial separation, they have the idea of divorce in their minds.

I meant in the past divorce has never been an option for me because of all my insecurities, my children, finances, etc.. Now, divorce is an option because we are both unhappy with ourselves & our marriage. Basically the week long trial separation (& the therapist urged us to have no contact) is for us to both seriously think about what we want without the other around to influence our decision.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

OP, you need to stop posting on here. Your husband knows about the thread and if he's got any brains at all he will print it out and give it to his lawyer. You've said some things that a lawyer could use against you.

 

[sbtrfly74]

I'm in NY. I sat in the lawyers office with my mother & my sister during their divorces. I'm not talking about stuff I didn't see and hear first hand. I know it can get ugly.

My sister lives in NY and is currently going through a divorce after 23 yrs, and your research of support is nowhere close to reality.

Im not trying to flame but want you to really know what your in for if you go down that road. You will not get 25% of his paycheck and alimony which is called maintenance up there. You will also only get maintenance for 1/3 of the years you have been married.

She was beyond upset to find after 23 yrs she is only getting alimony for 7 yrs. Child support does go up to the age of 21 there, I forgot how old your children are.

Pension, yes you do get half but not until your 65.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, please walk away.

I don't understand how you can continue to post personal things about your relationship knowing that your husband is reading. That is not consistent with your desire to work on the marriage.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that the OP should really just leave this thread...
If not, we all should just leave and ignore it.

I did give her the small benefit of the doubt, based on any possibility that this could be a woman in a controlling/abusive relationship.

But, the more she posts, and the more things don't add up....
The fact that many of her thoughts and expectations just to not seem to be based in reality...

Add to that, she says that she is a writer, of romantic/erotic/fantasy fiction....

Is a lot of this just a product of, an outlet for, her writing???

I think I am done here....
To much just is not adding up.
Another example... I had asked about her father, whether he was controlling... And she said no... then has proceeded to tell how very involved he has been in their lives (her siblings lives) even living in her parents home during the earlier years of her marriage.... She also mentions a lot of money... IMHO, that indicates a LOT of money and influence... that, by definition, involves some level of involvement and control. (And, she would actually give up all income of her own, to choose to be dependent on and controlled by and beholden to her husband????)

PS: If there is any truth here, any tiny bit at all.... If I had a husband like this, the very last thing I would do would be posting on a public forum where he, for sure, would be 'stalking' me. Really...

 

[Hrhpd]

I agree that the OP should really just leave this thread...
If not, we all should just leave and ignore it.

I did give her the small benefit of the doubt, based on any possibility that this could be a woman in a controlling/abusive relationship.

But, the more she posts, and the more things don't add up....
The fact that many of her thoughts and expectations just to not seem to be based in reality...

Add to that, she says that she is a writer, of romantic/erotic/fantasy fiction....

Is a lot of this just a product of, an outlet for, her writing???

I think I am done here....
To much just is not adding up.
Another example... I had asked about her father, whether he was controlling... And she said no... then has proceeded to tell how very involved he has been in their lives (her siblings lives) even living in her parents home during the earlier years of her marriage.... She also mentions a lot of money... IMHO, that indicates a LOT of money and influence... that, by definition, involves some level of involvement and control. (And, she would actually give up all income of her own, to choose to be dependent on and controlled by and beholden to her husband????)

PS: If there is any truth here, any tiny bit at all.... If I had a husband like this, the very last thing I would do would be posting on a public forum where he, for sure, would be 'stalking' me. Really...

I actually agree with you.

I was also giving the OP the benefit of the doubt until she said that her father was giving her mother $60 grand a year and gave her sister $50 grand.

Where I stopped believing her is when she posted about the money her father was shelling out. The chance that a heroin addict who is also an alcoholic can be successful enough to give away $110,000 in one year is slim to none.

And this piece of unbelievable information then colored every other post. If one post is embellished, it leads one to believe that every other post is also embellished.

 

[Colleen27]

He's controlling and disrespectful. He's emotionally abusive. Why in the world is this ok? Many of the people here seem to think so. Do many of you live in marriages like this? I'm asking because I'm really curious about this because I thought most people would not choose to put up with it. I know I couldn't but I'm divorced (from an emotionally abusive man). Maybe people would have suggested I stay and work it out anyway? Have many people been through this and the other person ended to stop being abusive?

I can't tell you how many of my friends with emotional abusive husbands feel it's all ok because he says he's sorry and that he won't treat them like that again. Abuse of ANY kind is cyclical. A great, oh I'm sorry, don't leave me period, followed by a return to the same ole sane ole.

I can't speak for everyone, but for myself I believe there is a line between poor communication/coping skills and emotional/verbal abuse. And sometimes when you're in a difficult place emotionally and mentally it can be hard to discern the difference. I wouldn't recommend anyone stay married to an abuser but in the OP's context of immense dissatisfaction with virtually every aspect of her life I think it is worth trying to step back and really think about whether her husband's behaviours are truly abusive or just a symptom of the marriage being in a bad place overall (ie an immature way of handling disagreements or criticism, but lacking the malice and patterns of abuse).

 

[CC72197]

I am going to take all your advice and stop posting so this will be my last post. I want to thank you all for taking the time out to post your advice and opinions.

I do want to clear one thing up though. I said my father was a drug addict, and that drug abuse led him to heroin which is all true, he also is an alcoholic. BUT he was clean for 20+ years in which he worked his butt off & provided for his family and made a lot of money. (a few years ago he started drinking again) He has a lot to give and has always been generous. My mother got 60,000 a year as her child support & maitenence for being married for 30 years and never working & my father wanted to take care of her. They are only legally seperated so she can still get his medical benefits. She got child support till my sister turned 22. I'm not lying it's what happened & I know my mother was very lucky to get what she got, but it didn't leave my father poor. He has money.

But what one poster said really hit me. When I was asked if he was controlling & I quickly said no. I've been thinking about it and I was wrong. He is controlling & he controls people with money. I'm starting to realize the dynamics in my relationship anre very similar to my parents relationship. I don't know why I didn't see that sooner. So thank you to whoever pointed that out.

I want to also say I'm not mad or hurt by the things some of you have said here. It's made me look at this whole situation with a magnifying glass. Sure I don't like being called a liar or a bad mother, but I understand it comes with the territory. All I can say is I've been truthful and have tried to answer every question thrown at me.

Also, thank you to those who have sent me heartfelt PM's.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But what one poster said really hit me. When I was asked if he was controlling & I quickly said no. I've been thinking about it and I was wrong. He is controlling & he controls people with money. I'm starting to realize the dynamics in my relationship anre very similar to my parents relationship. I don't know why I didn't see that sooner. So thank you to whoever pointed that out.

I am the one who has been asking those million dollar questions, which pointed that out...
And, hey, it is very very easy to not see the forest thru the trees when one is in the middle of such situations!

If there is some truth to your situation, and that has been helpful, I am glad that I did take the time to try to post.

 

[Colleen27]

...really? You got 2 offers from publishers and decided self-publishing was better. Right. lol. I know a lot of writers and 2 publishers making offers (do you have an agent? Did you submit to these publishers?) is very rare and to turn them down is like a sports prospect turning down the major leagues because they prefer playing in their little town field. If you are serious about your career, not a good move.

Obviously you know nothing about the publishing industry, especially in my genre. The offers I had were with ebook presses in my genre, not one of the big 6. As a self publisher I own the rights, make a larger profit per book, get to control every aspect of the cover, marketing, etc.. For me it was better to self publish. I don't regret it & it's working for me.

I was just going to post this same response. A contract with a publisher isn't the golden ring many people think it is, at least not when dealing with small niche publishers that are mainly/only interested in e-book formats. They do very little promotional work and technology these days makes self-publishing increasingly attractive.

He tried to be supportive of my writer but has never read anything I wrote. Just recently he did andI won't repeat the names I was called. He thinks my writing will lead to me cheating. He simply will not allow me to talk to other men because he is so jealous. (not that I'm saying I want to talk to other men, I mean like if we are at a party.)

This is something you should bring up in your counseling sessions - not just his jealousy, but also your need to have him read and comment on your writing when you know it is likely to make him uncomfortable. I've had some erotic short stories published and DH knows it (and celebrated the paycheck with me) but I wouldn't dream of bugging/forcing him to read those stories. They're written for a female target audience and I know he's uncomfortable with the whole "porn for women" genre. I personally think that's a rather sexist view, rooted in our society's discomfort with female sexuality, but it is also a "pick your battles" issue because it isn't something that I'm likely to change about him nor does it effect our marriage in any meaningful way. So why put him in a position where he'd feel the need to lie and compliment me on writing I know he wouldn't enjoy?

That's probably easier for me to say than for you because I do plenty of other writing that I can share with him and that he's happy to read, but to me not expecting him to read the things he's not comfortable with is a matter of not putting my need for validation over his feelings about that particular type of material.