I hate the holidays !

[juligrl]

It means I have less than 24 hrs. (probably less than 12 hours) one-on-one with my son and DIL until they descend and take over the holiday. They are all drama (tears if you don't go along, running to bedrooms and slamming doors, etc.) -- and I just don't want/need the stress. Like I said, they ruined our summer vacation with their antics -- I just wanted a good Christmas.

Charm

Okay, so you know what they can be like - doesn't mean they are always like that. Can you be the adult here and be flexible? You'll still get a whole day of calm and your "normal" (which may be anything but to them - and maybe even your own son and DIL ) with your son and DIL.

Time to learn how to deal with this now - especially with a grandchild on the way. Otherwise you're destined for a future with a lot of hurt feelings and drama. Stock up on the and go and enjoy Christmas with your kid and his family. I'm sure they'll enjoy having you.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Let it go, okay?

I complained the first time because they were changing the holiday schedule that THEY made up! So, I changed my plans, sucked it up and went along.

NOW two months later, they changed their plans AGAIN to be there when I am. That's why I was venting.

I love my DIL and spend more one-on-one time with her than with my son. So, everything you've implied is wrong. I forgot to include her in one sentence -- flog me.

Edie

Edie,

I hope you have a great Christmas. I am so sorry you got dealt this hand. I am betting your son and dil will get this worked out for future Christmas'. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship. Whatever you decide to do, just know that you aren't the only woman this has happened to. Which doesn't do much to help you but just thought I'd throw that in!

And for the record, I am taking notes. I have a son and a daughter, so I am preparing to deal with those from both ends of the spectrum!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I couldn't do that to my mother, sorry. I understand what you guys are saying, though. I would have been able to do it back in Oct when she first said something, but not now. Not like that. MIL is NOT my mother. My mother will always be MY mother. I will not choose sides, nor be forced to choose sides.

Sorry, but I think just by you saying you couldn't do that to your mother and the fact that MIL is NOT your mother means to you it's okay to treat your MIL like the second class citizen in a situation like this. You've already chosen sides. Your mother will always "win" against your MIL, regardless of the circumstances.

If you read OP's latest post, you'll see that the plans were first made (at the accomodation of ILs) in October. Only recently did they change again (again at the accomodation of the ILs). I'm sorry, but as a mother of a daughter, I hope I'm raising my daughter well enough to do what's right, not just what I want.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Sorry, but I think just by you saying you couldn't do that to your mother and the fact that MIL is NOT your mother means to you it's okay to treat your MIL like the second class citizen in a situation like this. You've already chosen sides. Your mother will always "win" against your MIL, regardless of the circumstances.

If you read OP's latest post, you'll see that the plans were first made (at the accomodation of ILs) in October. Only recently did they change again (again at the accomodation of the ILs). I'm sorry, but as a mother of a daughter, I hope I'm raising my daughter well enough to do what's right, not just what I want.

Exactly. I will never let my daughter treat her mil badly. I'll remind her of how her grandmother (my mother) got the shaft all too often. And I'll have to bite the bullet and do what is right too, even if it means losing out oon traditions that I love. Because other people have traditions and feelings too. There's being a mother that can't let go of her son and there's being a mother who is turned into some sort of second class mother the day her son marries. And it happens a lot!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Let it go, okay?

I complained the first time because they were changing the holiday schedule that THEY made up! So, I changed my plans, sucked it up and went along.

NOW two months later, they changed their plans AGAIN to be there when I am. That's why I was venting.

I love my DIL and spend more one-on-one time with her than with my son. So, everything you've implied is wrong. I forgot to include her in one sentence -- flog me.Edie

Your being very rude, to alot of people who really only had the best of intentions.

A few did not. But alot of the folks here, really just wanted to help you make the best decision.

 

[EdiePA]

Your being very rude, to alot of people who really only had the best of intentions.

A few did not. But alot of the folks here, really just wanted to help you make the best decision.

My points were aimed at wall*e2008 who felt the need to personally attack me.

I'm sorry you took it otherwise. I AM grateful for all of the perspective that has been given here. And yes, I will be going, but I have booked a hotel room -- that will give me a break from the drama.

Edie

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Your being very rude, to alot of people who really only had the best of intentions.

A few did not. But alot of the folks here, really just wanted to help you make the best decision.

OP's being rude? You're kidding right? She's been trashed for how many pages now?

And did the comment re: "a few did not" refer to me and Amy&Dan (and possibly one or two others) because we didn't agree with the majority?

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

Sorry, but I think just by you saying you couldn't do that to your mother and the fact that MIL is NOT your mother means to you it's okay to treat your MIL like the second class citizen in a situation like this. You've already chosen sides. Your mother will always "win" against your MIL, regardless of the circumstances.

If you read OP's latest post, you'll see that the plans were first made (at the accomodation of ILs) in October. Only recently did they change again (again at the accomodation of the ILs). I'm sorry, but as a mother of a daughter, I hope I'm raising my daughter well enough to do what's right, not just what I want.

My MIL is never treated like a second class citizen EVER. Please don't imply what you don't know about me. I treat my MIL as well as my own mother.

I invite my MIL to every holiday *I have* , and if she doesn't want to spend it with my family too, tough noogies for her. She sees my DD enough, it's not like she never sees her. I look out for everyone's feelings before my own enough.

But I won't be bullied.

For this situation: I could never call my mother last minute like that just before Christmas and do that to her. I guess I should hurt my mother's feelings in order to save my MIL's feelings . Um - no.


I'm done with this.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Can you be the adult here and be flexible?

If I read one more post like this I will scream. Does being an adult mean being a doormat? Because that is what a whole lot of people here seem to expect the OP to be. She HAS been flexible over and over and she has (rightfully) reached the point where she is saying "enough!".

-all along she has been willing to alternate holidays with the in-laws so they can each have their "own" holidays.

-then this year on a Christmas year that is "hers" she makes things easier for her pregnant DIL by being the one willing to travel.

-Then the in-laws decide to horn in on her year. So OP changes the dates of her trip so she can have as much time with them alone.

-THEN the in-laws change their plans AGAIN and decide to make it so the trips almost completely overlap.

On what planet is the OP NOT BEING FLEXIBLE????? She has done everything reasonably possible to have a nice holiday with her son and DIL but the in-laws are bound and determined to get in the middle of it no matter what. I would LOVE to have a few words with your son's clueless and/or manipulative in-laws.

OP -- I do not blame you one bit for not wanting them there. I do not subscribe to the more-the-merrier idea at all. Even if they were nice people, It doesn't matter. Every holiday I spend with my in-laws ends up including a whole lot of people that I am not even related to and it feels very little like Christmas at all.

OP I am sorry you are being treated this way.

 

[wall*e2008]

My points were aimed at wall*e2008 who felt the need to personally attack me.

I'm sorry you took it otherwise. I AM grateful for all of the perspective that has been given here. And yes, I will be going, but I have booked a hotel room -- that will give me a break from the drama.

Edie

That was a personal attack? I just reread what I wrote, to make sure I did not word it poorly and I did not see the personal attack.

I am glad that you are going but not sure that the hotel will not cause bad feelings.

 

[Mkrop]

My points were aimed at wall*e2008 who felt the need to personally attack me.

I'm sorry you took it otherwise. I AM grateful for all of the perspective that has been given here. And yes, I will be going, but I have booked a hotel room -- that will give me a break from the drama.

Edie

I think the hotel room is a great idea, and I really hope you do have a nice time.

I hope my comments about not being that MIL were taken in the context of helping bc that was the vein it was given in. I am the DIL that has has to rearrange things bc of MIL's schedule (she is a hospice nurse) so I try to be understanding of her and my own mom a lot. Many times it is on short notice. I also am the only DIL of two who is speaking to her (MIL). My SIL will not speak to her, and puts BIL and my DN in very awkward situations about seeing all of us. We rarely get to see them. She is not a bad person, a little outspoken, ok a lot outspoken , but little misunderstandings btw her and my SIL have resulted in my MIL being really hurt.

So with my own background, I dont want you to be a doormat but I dont want you to do anything that could alienate you from them, KWIM?

Also I was trying to explain why I wanted my mom there after I gave birth bc I did have both and given the awkwardness of healing, breastfeeding and getting used to a new baby, I wanted my mom vs my MIL who was even a nurse.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I AM grateful for all of the perspective that has been given here. And yes, I will be going, but I have booked a hotel room -- that will give me a break from the drama.

Edie

Now that was some smart thinking! Good luck and don't take any you know what off your dil's parents!

 

[C.Ann]

I just wanted a good Christmas.

Charm

You can still have a "good Christmas" - if you go with the right attitude and don't drag a lot of "baggage" with you.. What's that saying? "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy??"

The other in-laws already celebrated Christmas with the kids on Thanksgiving -- this trip is just "gravy".

It's not that I dislike them -- I dislike the drama and yes, it's adults who cry when someone doesn't want to go along with their plans, slam doors, etc.

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

Your choice of words - "this trip is just gravy" and "it's not that I dislike them" don't seem to jive at all.. It sounds as though you are very resentful and very jealous of them.. If you allow that to continue, it's going to eat you alive - and you are going to miss out on many, many happy occasions in the future with your DS, DIL, and your new grandbaby..

I am stunned that you would say "I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild.." Do you really mean that? That's your grandchild you're talking about - and because you have issues with your DS's MIL, you're allowing it to have that much of an impact on your feelings about this baby???? Who cares what the MIL wants the baby to call you? That's not her decision to make and it sounds as though you are allowing her to make that decision.. The MIL doesn't get to decide who comes or doesn't come the first two weeks - that's up to your DS and your DIL.. If they are going along with it, then I think you're directing your anger and frustration at the wrong person (or "persons") here.. Please, please don't allow your feelings towards the MIL interfere with your relationship with your DS, DIL, and grandchild.. As I stated earlier, it's so much more important to be "happy" than to be "right".. Think long and hard about which is more important to you and don't become an "outsider" in the lives of 3 of your most precious loved ones..

 

[EdiePA]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

 

[lil mermaid]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

Edie - just tell the MIL to take a hike. Don't let your hurt over this holiday ruin your relationship with your son, daughter in law and grandchild. Seriously.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

OP's being rude? You're kidding right? She's been trashed for how many pages now?

And did the comment re: "a few did not" refer to me and Amy&Dan (and possibly one or two others) because we didn't agree with the majority?

Someone's taking this too personal.


It's a message board folks.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

That was a personal attack? I just reread what I wrote, to make sure I did not word it poorly and I did not see the personal attack.

I am glad that you are going but not sure that the hotel will not cause bad feelings.

Don't feel bad wall*e2008, i think no matter what we write we are seen as the jerks.

We too were just trying to help you Edie..from our own personal experiences..

glad you have found a solution.

 

[Allison]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

The way this reads to me is that you are saying you don't care about this grandchild anymore because of what your DIL's mom said?

Please correct me if I'm not reading it correctly but if I am, why in the world are you taking this woman's word as the last word? You give her way too much power.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

Don't talk to C.Ann like that!

I'm sorry but this statement (among others) say so much about who you are.
I understand what these other "nice" people are saying. And I see there points..I even AGREE with alot of them. In the black and white on paper it's the perfect solution...but there is SO MUCH MORE to this story then you are letting out.
And if you are willing to let go of a relationship with your son, and your new grandbaby just b/c of something your DIL's mom said...you have more problems than what the Disney board can solve for you.

 

[C.Ann]

Gee, thank you, C. Ann for making me feel like virtual [EDITED for word filter] .

No, I really don't care any more. HER mom has told me that I am not to come to the hospital and that she will be with her daughter. SHE wants to bond with the baby.

Fine. I don't need to be a part of this if that's how they feel. I have another son who loves me and that's enough.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. I don't make waves, so I'm always the one who is stepped on. Well, no more. I'm done.

Edie

-------------------------

What the heck? I was NOT trying to make you feel like----.. I was trying to help you see that there is another way to handle this without removing yourself from your DS's life.. If you choose to toss one son to the side in favor of another, that's your cross to bear.. Many people have offered support and advice - trying to point out ways that you can still be a part of this son's life and part of your grandchilds life (and in the process find some happiness to boot) - but you don't seem to be interested in that.. Yes - I do think it's sad - very sad - however, that does NOT constitute making you feel like ----.. If that's all you got out of what I said, there's no point in trying to help you see what could be a happy resolution because your mind is already made up and no one is going to change it..