I guess it's over

[Oreo Cookie]

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the others. Get copies of everything having to do with finances. Copies of his retirement account balances... any and all assets... last several years of taxes. Put your copies in a safe place... a safe deposit in only your name or maybe a good friend's house.

If you don't have a credit card in just your name, get one now.

Get a job. Put the money into an account in only your name.

Stay in the house for now but be realistic that you'll need the $$$ more than the house down the road.

You're going to need an attorney to fight for your rights.

Good Luck!

 

[Blondie]

 

[Punkin's Mom]

Oh my gosh - thank you so much for all your encouraging words. It is so huge for me to feel the amount of compassion I just got by reading all these responses. I'm sorry I can't respond to every single one of you but know that I've read (and will probably reread) everything and I really appreciate it.

As far as the money goes, he has not looked at a bill or account in the entire 14 years. I have done all of our finances and know them backwards and forewards. I know everyone thinks I should get a lawyer, but it would stress me out even more knowing that I was spending $250 an hour. We are not advisarial right now but bringing lawyers into the picture would guarantee that would happen. It's very simple - 3 major assets we'll split 50/50, we each get a car, and he doesn't even want much of the furniture. He wants me to have the house and is willing to support me and the kids almost 100% because I told him weeks ago that I absolutely refuse to put the kids in daycare. He made his decision knowing that so now he'll have to pay. We're very fortunate that he does well enough to support 2 households. We've already discussed budgets and splitting up the assets, but we'll have lots of details to work out.

As far as work goes, I guess what worries me the most is that I not willing to work more than part time. I have a bachelors in accounting and worked for 7 years in that field, but it's been a long time. I guess I just can't help looking down the road and thinking how bleak it looks.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Oh my gosh - thank you so much for all your encouraging words. It is so huge for me to feel the amount of compassion I just got by reading all these responses. I'm sorry I can't respond to every single one of you but know that I've read (and will probably reread) everything and I really appreciate it.

As far as the money goes, he has not looked at a bill or account in the entire 14 years. I have done all of our finances and know them backwards and forewards. I know everyone thinks I should get a lawyer, but it would stress me out even more knowing that I was spending $250 an hour. We are not advisarial right now but bringing lawyers into the picture would guarantee that would happen. It's very simple - 3 major assets we'll split 50/50, we each get a car, and he doesn't even want much of the furniture. He wants me to have the house and is willing to support me and the kids almost 100% because I told him weeks ago that I absolutely refuse to put the kids in daycare. He made his decision knowing that so now he'll have to pay. We're very fortunate that he does well enough to support 2 households. We've already discussed budgets and splitting up the assets, but we'll have lots of details to work out.

As far as work goes, I guess what worries me the most is that I not willing to work more than part time. I have a bachelors in accounting and worked for 7 years in that field, but it's been a long time. I guess I just can't help looking down the road and thinking how bleak it looks.

Just get it ALL in writing signed by a judge if you're SURE you know what and where everything is. All his good intentions may be put aside when/if he meets someone else. Make sure your rights are protected so you can protect your children.

Good luck to you.

 

[Trish Bessette]

I'm so sorry. You're getting great advise here. We are all here for you!!!!!!!

 

[ziggystardust]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong for yourself and for your kids.

 

[MeMom]

YES,YES,YES get it in writing and signed by a judge. No matter how much you think you know him or how much you trust him now, you can't imagine how quickly that can change!

 

[Sandy V.]

I'm glad that it appears that at the start this is friendly, but PLEASE take the advice of so many here and at least hire an attorney to look over your written agreement before you sign anything.

My DH and I are both attorneys and in a happy marriage, but if it would ever come to divorce, the first thing I would do is hire an attorney. There's an old saying that "An attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client." I personally think it's worse if you try and do this without an attorney at all. You seem to have assets that need to be fairly divided. How are you going to value his law practice? What about the kids' activities? Who pays for that? Health care? College? Life Insurance in case one of you dies while the kids are still minors? There are tons of issues to be considered.

I wish you nothing but the best, but I think that you are still in shock and FAR too trusting of your husband. Please get a lawyer; it will be money well spent.

ETA: Of course, it's not "adversarial" right now. He's in financial control, at least at the moment. He's got knowledge of what the law typically will require him to do, and he may or may not be forthcoming in telling you the truth regarding this.

What guarantee do you have, other than his word, that he's always going to provide what he's promising UNLESS you address the issues mentioned above (and many others) and get your resolution in writing? The truth is, people break their word all the time. Plus, if he picks up a "sweetheart" along the way, be prepared for many of his "promises" to potentially fly out the window.

 

[MosMom]

My only bit of advice is to consider accounting again. At least until you can get on your feet and figure out what you want to do. You know it, you have experience in it, and like you said...you can find a job easily in that profession. At least that way, you will have a steady source of (good) income.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

[HomeSweetDisney]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this Divorce is never pleasant for anyone involved. All my best to you and I hope things work out

 

[m&m's mom]

Oh my gosh - thank you so much for all your encouraging words. It is so huge for me to feel the amount of compassion I just got by reading all these responses. I'm sorry I can't respond to every single one of you but know that I've read (and will probably reread) everything and I really appreciate it.

As far as the money goes, he has not looked at a bill or account in the entire 14 years. I have done all of our finances and know them backwards and forewards. I know everyone thinks I should get a lawyer, but it would stress me out even more knowing that I was spending $250 an hour. We are not advisarial right now but bringing lawyers into the picture would guarantee that would happen. It's very simple - 3 major assets we'll split 50/50, we each get a car, and he doesn't even want much of the furniture. He wants me to have the house and is willing to support me and the kids almost 100% because I told him weeks ago that I absolutely refuse to put the kids in daycare. He made his decision knowing that so now he'll have to pay. We're very fortunate that he does well enough to support 2 households. We've already discussed budgets and splitting up the assets, but we'll have lots of details to work out.

As far as work goes, I guess what worries me the most is that I not willing to work more than part time. I have a bachelors in accounting and worked for 7 years in that field, but it's been a long time. I guess I just can't help looking down the road and thinking how bleak it looks.

Sounds great now and I really hope it stays that way but please look into ways to support your family. It will give you confidence, make your kids proud of you and get you prepared for the future.
My DM was in your shoes when my Dad left. She had 4 small kids and no education beyond HS. While things were better she hightailed it to college and got herself in a good spot. Sure enough Dad found someone else who talked him into not supporting us anymore to that level. They wanted to build their own life together.
Sure we went to campus daycare while she went to school and I cannot imagine a single thing I suffered because of it. As a matter of fact my brother and I still laugh about the great experiences we had there. I think it is more about about the parents attitude and the environment. In this area there are a ton of good daycares.
Keep coming back for support. We have it and you will need it.

 

[Punkin's Mom]

Just get it ALL in writing signed by a judge if you're SURE you know what and where everything is. All his good intentions may be put aside when/if he meets someone else. Make sure your rights are protected so you can protect your children.

Good luck to you.

Oh yea - you know it'll be in writing, legal and binding when the time comes. I realize that at some point, someone else may have a lot more influence over him than I do and may resent that he supports his ex-wife so well.

I do know where everything is - better than he does. He hasn't given our finances a second thought in 14 years. I know exactly where every penny is, and I know where all the paperwork and statements and tax returns are filed.

 

[BethR]

Nothing new or better to say. I just wanted to let you know that I wish you the very best. And I pray that God sends you the strength to go through the tough road ahead...

 

[EthansMom]

I'm glad to hear that things are so amicable. You may want to look into Divorce Mediation. My understanding is that mediation can be much less costly and time-consuming than using lawyers. Basically, it's for couples who can work out their asset division and custody issues amicably. A mediator is present to make sure that all bases are covered.

Since you've done accounting in the past, you might want to consider doing taxes and small business accounts out of your home. I've known a couple of accountants who did that out of their home.

Good Luck!

 

[Janet Hill]

Just remember he may be amicable now, but all lawyers are taught to act to persuade the jury. Don't trust him! You invested in that law degree (and his career) and you deserve a decent return for that investment separate from the child support he owes for the children.

Civility goes a long way in a divorce, but trusting and friendliness usually come back to haunt you. JMO of course, but based on experience.

 

[rkrivas]

I'm glad to hear that things are so amicable. You may want to look into Divorce Mediation. My understanding is that mediation can be much less costly and time-consuming than using lawyers. Basically, it's for couples who can work out their asset division and custody issues amicably. A mediator is present to make sure that all bases are covered.

Since you've done accounting in the past, you might want to consider doing taxes and small business accounts out of your home. I've known a couple of accountants who did that out of their home.

Good Luck!

I was going to make the same suggestion about mediation. I can understand your desire to prevent things from getting nasty since it's amicable so far. A mediator may not seem as threatening to either side, is less money and you'll feel more comfortable that everything is taken into account.

Best of luck to you and stay strong! I'm in a similar situation, but maybe a couple months behind you! My husband hasn't made up his mind yet, but things aren't looking good. As with you, I'm fortunate that (1) I take care of all the finances and (2) that so far he's willing to provide for the kids as much as possible.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I'm sorry.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm glad you know where all the paperwork is and where everything is filed. When my ex husband moved out, he took all the filing cabinets and paperwork with him, and then "lost" them.

Please, please, please, I beg you, don't fool yourself into thinking this will all be merry and pleasant. Get an attorney NOW and don't think it will make things adversarial. You are already in an adversarial position, whether you know it or not. Especially if you are getting ready to go through a divorce with a lawyer. I cannot begin to tell you the things I and some of my friends assumed about our spouses, and the ways in which they have creatively and cruelly moved on to become completely different people.