I guess it's over

[PrincessKitty1]

Hugs (no advice) from me (you've already received lots of great advice on this thread).

 

[MeMom]

I can imagine what you are going through, because I went through it, too. My husband left after ten years. We had two children by birth, and had just adopted a third. I guess he just went along with my desire to adopt, because shortly after the arrival of the third, he left for "the other woman"- a girl at work. I had been a SAHM, because he had a good job. Suddenly, I was a single mom of three. He never gave me the money he was ordered to, although he did give me some of it. It wasn't much, but I just wanted peace, so I let it go. You can conquer this. I went back to school and worked as many part-time jobs as I could. I kept the house and kept myself and my kids in church. We lived a very meager existence. Very meager. You just have to sort of shut down your emotions and get to the task of taking care of your kids. In the midst of it all, people would tell me how much they admired me, and I couldn't understand. Why would they admire me for taking good care of my children? They were my life! They were the reason I breathed. After four years, with my teaching degree in hand, we slowly began to rise to better things. It is a slow and sometimes painful process. I had to deny my children some things other kids had, and that cut deeply. I still get tears now as I write just thinking of some of those times. It is only now that I can look back and realize that what I did really did take some fortitude, so I guess I'm quietly and humbly proud and grateful for what we accomplished. My kids are grown now, and they are wonderful individuals with their own special qualities and talents. They grew up in a peaceful home, instead of one with strife. They had good role models in friends and coaches. They are happy, healthy, beautiful young people, and we have a special and strong bond because of what we went through together. You have some rugged times ahead, I'm sure, but you will also have some great rewards on the other end of that stretch. Stay postive and confident, and just take care of yourself and your kids as best you can. It can be done. Find as much support in your friends and family as you can, and let them help you. I'm sure you'll find a lot of support from people on these boards, also, because Dis people are some of the kindest hearts around, in my opinion.

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

I was at my 12th year of marriage when my husband decided to call it quits. We had grown apart and I knew there was no salvaging it. I was sad, mad, and I thought he was a coward. Now, three years down the road, my life is SO much better. I have an education, a career path I love and I love my self so much more than I ever did before. There is always hope.

You will get thru this.

You will be stronger for it.

You have two young lives that you will give anything to protect.

Remember that you are a very valuable person.

You are worthwhile.

You are beautiful

And above all, You are an Amazing human being.

Never let ANYONE steal the belief in yourself.

Big Hugs

 

[munchkin bunchkin]

TO YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONES

 

[Sherri]

My marriage, that is. My husband of 14 years left me I think for good. I've been cycling through some pretty strong emotions. Strangely I was fairly calm during the actual conversation. I knew it was coming. But the day after this astronomical sense of panic set it. All I could think about was how to convince him to give it one more try. Then it started to sink in that no matter how much I was fighting it, I can't do anything to change his mind. And the more I tried the more he pulled away. Then I started grieving the loss of my spouse, my family, my future, my lifestyle. I'm sure I'll be grieving for a long time. And I'm really scared because my future is so uncertain. I never thought in a million years this would really happen. But I'm also starting to get really angry. I'm trying not to let that overcome me, because we've been very amicable and have agreed on everything and I don't want let the situation deteriorate. But I can't help being mad as heck at him for abandoning me and destroying our family. I want to yell "Be a man - fix this!" It all seems so selfish of him. He convinced himself that it wasn't even worth trying to fix things because he wasn't feeling what he should and he won't settle for a marriage that is simply pleasent. Even though every thing I've read and what the therapist told us said to work on the small stuff and build on those little connections, he decided that he should feel a substantial connection before he would put forth any effort. I don't know how you have instantaneous connection without doing anything but that was his theory and he stuck to it.

So now I'm left with the major decisions and very unattractive prospects. We've got 2 small kids that I have to protect as much as humanly possible. I don't know if I should sell the house or not. I don't know if I'm even employable at this point plus I hated what I used to do - I never thought I would need to do it again.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening (or reading - whatever).

Be strong, your going to need to turn to your inner strength many times during this rough time. Life will get better, its so hard for you to imagine this now. Get a good attorney.
When my friend went through this she was in such shock that she didn't pay much attention to what she was agreeing to (atleast it didn't sink in at the time). Cover yourself financially. Although you are being amicable and I admire you for that, you still have to watch your back financially. Be savy about this. Good luck, and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

 

[kdibattista]

 

[Serena]

Wow, 5 or so years ago this would have had my name on it. Except it was 20 years.
You will get through this, that much I know. I had to find a job, and didn't have any experience. I was taking care of two kids too, but mine were a little older.
My ex has been faithful with child support, even at first paying extra. So I'm grateful for that, and he's done a lot of growing up and he's a better dad too.

For me, I went into a depression and needed therapy and medicine to get through it. What helped the most was this place and the people in it. There are some truly wonderful people here. And it's open 24/7.

I went to a Work One office and they got me my job. Well, they pointed me in the right direction. I've been there 5 years now and I"m looking for something else. I did just sign up for college, part time, but it felt so good to do.

I won't say it'll be easy, and I won't say you'll be happy, but it'll be worth it.

There is nothing worse that being with someone that doesn't want to be there with you. It's such a horrible lonely feeling. I'm alone now, and get lonely, but it's better than before.

Ok, I can't think of anything more right now. Just hang in there. Take care of yourself and your kids, and things will work out.

 

[EdiePA]

I've been down this road, too. Sorry that you're having to join our club.

Let me first say, you ARE a strong person, stronger than you can even imagine. AND you are worthy! So,

FIND THE MONEY! Today, right now, make a goal to find all of the money in your marriage and make copies of any bank statements, etc. This is the part where I was stupid and I'm now trying to make up for lost time with my retirement money, etc.

Get a lawyer -- this is going to be tough for you because you husband is part of that club. You need to protect yourself and those children. I thought my ex and I could be reasonable, friendly, etc. That ended once his lawyer got into the mix.

Now, sit back for a minute for you. What relaxes you? What recharges your battery? For me it was reading a book and bubble baths. And I'll loan you my theme song, "I Will Survive" until you find one of your own. Play it, sing along, dance to it, do the motions ("Go on now go, walk out that door!") You need to find ways to reconnect with YOU and to take care of yourself.

And in a little while, you can explore your options. Our town has a "New Beginnings" program to help SAHMs get back into the workforce.

Huge hugs to you! You will survive (five year down this road, I'd even say that I'm thriving as I get ready to leave my ex's town and move away!)

Come back when you need support and we'll be there. I'm only a PM away if you need me!

Edie

 

[luvtogo12]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Charade]

 

[java]

Big hugs coming your way
You have gotten some great advice and one that I just want to say again... do not sell the house right away. Don't make big changes until you know what is going to be your situation. Who knows you may surprise yourself? And get a lawyer-(my dad is a lawyer and when he and my mother got divorced he actually tried to hire HER lawyer... nice try.. but that didn't happen- you need a lawyer out to protect your interests.oh and putting him through law school is a biggie...)
good luck and grieve all you want.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hire a good lawyer.
Go apply to jobs.

After 10yrs. home and not much job experience I got a job. Granted it is in the school cafeteria but it is a start.

Start at your local schools, communities, etc...

Actually now is a good time to look. Right now it is strangely optimistic.
I think it is because the housing market is bad and people are not moving.

I have heard Richardson is a very nice area. However, I would move if I had a "monster house". After all you will be paying the bills on the support you get. I am sure you will figure that part out in time.

I am sorry....

 

[mrsltg]

I'm sorry you are going through this. As far as handling it, you're a mother - you can do this. It may seem hard now, but you will manage and come through stronger. Concentrate on your children and get a good lawyer.

 

[ADisneygirl]

I am sorry for you. I know this pain all too well. I was a SAHM for 11 years. It is very scary to think about getting back into the workforce. Especially on top of all the other scary emotions you are experiencing right now. I will agree that it is very overwhelming, but try and take it step by step. You can't become a superhuman overnight. My advice: Get a good lawyer to fight your money battles for you. You may want to be friendly and all, but believe me money issues will arise in this split. It is good to remain on friendly terms. It is great for the kids and in the long run you will feel better inside for it. But don't let yourself get walked all over. You need the impartial support an attorney can provide.

Again, I am so sorry. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. It is terrible, but if a weak person such as myself can live through it, anyone can. Good luck and take care of things one at a time.

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[kilee]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope you'll be able to find all the inner strength you need.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm so sorry!

From personal experience, all I can say is, protect yourself and the kids! Don't count on him to make ANY decisions that would be in yours or the kids' best interests.

 

[Disney Doll]

It's so hurtful when someone we thought we could trust bertays that trust.

Stay strong. Hire a lawyer. Find the money. Protect yourself and the kids.

 

[mickeyboat]

You've gotten some great advice, and I won't repeat it.

But

Denae

 

[Hannathy]

Find the money! Get a lawyer. Like everyone is saying. Also while he is still paying the bills stash some cash, claim groceries cost more this week,etc. I'd have several hundred dollars in cash so in case he walks out and cleans out the checking. Make sure your car is up to snuff. Get the kids check ups done, new clothes. Don't agree to anything till your lawyer sees it. I am very sorry for you, this happened to a friend of mine. Don't forget about college for the kids when setting up child support.