I did the right thing but feel like crap......

[KarenB]

Here is the short version....

We have 2 DSs in different colleges, both home on break. The oldest is 21. He shares an apt with 4 guys off campus (about 90 minutes away). There is nothing going on around here for NYE so last night he said he and some friends may go to the apt for NYE and spend the night.

The trouble with this is there will more than likely be drinking which is okay. He waited until he was 21 and no one would be driving. HOWEVER-there will be kids there that are under 21.

I just spoke to DS a few minutes ago explaining all the the consequences if police would come and there were minors. I told him I felt it was a very very poor choice and the consequences far outweighed the fun. I also said I would be extremely disappointed if he went through with this. I explained many things to him such as $$ for fines, having a record, how we are paying for his insurance, a place to live, etc so even though he is an adult, he still needs to follow our rules at home. Also, I explained, if everyone would be 21 or over I would no way be having this conversation.

He tried to make some excuses and said we don't have to have alcohol. I asked how he can honestly tell a large group of kids not to drink in a college apt alone.

I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so awful about it?

Karen

 

[padams]

You did the right thing. It's tough to be the parent sometimes.

 

[Darcy03231]

You definitely did the right thing. Does he realize he can go to jail if they can prove he contributed the alcohol for the minors? This happened to my ex-husband. He thought he'd be the cool dad and let my daughter and her friends (all minors) have a party and he provided the alcohol. He had to pay a fine (I beleive it was around $1000) and serve 90 days in jail with the other 9 months suspended as long as he didn't get in any other trouble. It also now shows on his record.

My two foster girls (18) were arrested a month ago for underage drinking. Its cost them $40 each to get out of jail, $372 each in fines and $100 each for an alcohol awareness class. Luckily it was charged as a violation and they don't have a record for it.

 

[eliza61]

Here is the short version....

or over I would no way be having this conversation.

He tried to make some excuses and said we don't have to have alcohol. I asked how he can honestly tell a large group of kids not to drink in a college apt alone.

I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so awful about it?

Karen

Because you're a very good Mom and some times that means telling them the "not so magical" parts of becoming an adult.

Heck, I was just stressing over trying to teach my 15 year old the value of saving for a rainy day and his Christmas gifts.

Parenting is rough especially when they are young adults and really have to take responsibility for their choices.

Congratulations for stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing.

 

[minkydog]

Young adults don't know what they don't know. They get that they are adults and free to make their own decisions, but they often don't comprehend the consequences of poor decisions because they simply haven't had much life experience. You have my sympathies, believe me. I have a 23yo DS who no longer lives with us because he can't swallow the rules we have(do your laundry, get a job or go to school, pay rent, do household chores.) There is no getting through to him and in the end he decided to leave. It's been very painful to us. Like all parents, I only want good things for my children. I don't want them to suffer, to have run-ins with police, to make poor choices. But ultimately, they ARE adults and we have to let them go out there and mess up. And it makes us feel bad when our kids aren't doing what we think is best for them.

 

[Rose&Mike]

OP--thanks for posting this. Yesterday we had a similar conversation with DS--a little different because he's only 18, and I was feeling like the meanest Mom. So I was happy to hear that we're not the only parents with concerns and expectations.

Long story short, DS told us yesterday he was going to go to an overnight NYE party in a not so nice part of town (think bars on the windows) where there may or may not be alcohol (which I think means yes) and there may or may not be anyone over the age of 18. We told him we wouldn't tell him no, but we were really not at all happy about the plan, and if there were any problems (i.e. police busting up the party), he was on his own.

He threw a fit, but decided not to go. All day I kept second guessing myself, whether or not we were being too much in his business. Glad to hear we are not the only parents encouraging their kids to make good choices. We know he drinks occasionally, but are trying to encourage him to at least be smart about it.

I think you did the right thing. Hope you have a good New Year. Thanks again for sharing.

 

[Stacerita]

You did the right thing. Sometimes it feels bad, but know that it was right.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Karen, You handled this perfectly! You offered your wisdom & guidance...What he choses to do with it is another thing.

TC

 

[minkydog]

OP--thanks for posting this. Yesterday we had a similar conversation with DS--a little different because he's only 18, and I was feeling like the meanest Mom. So I was happy to hear that we're not the only parents with concerns and expectations.

Long story short, DS told us yesterday he was going to go to an overnight NYE party in a not so nice part of town (think bars on the windows) where there may or may not be alcohol (which I think means yes) and there may or may not be anyone over the age of 18. We told him we wouldn't tell him no, but we were really not at all happy about the plan, and if there were any problems (i.e. police busting up the party), he was on his own.

He threw a fit, but decided not to go. All day I kept second guessing myself, whether or not we were being too much in his business. Glad to hear we are not the only parents encouraging their kids to make good choices. We know he drinks occasionally, but are trying to encourage him to at least be smart about it.

I think you did the right thing. Hope you have a good New Year. Thanks again for sharing.

Of course you weren't too much in his business. You stated your reasons and let him make his decision. Did he decide to skip it because you said you wouldn't bail him out of jail? Too bad. I bet that woulda been an eye-opener. Here's a thought: Maybe he was secretly hoping you'd tell him not to go so that he could go to her friends and roll his eyes, huffing and blowing about how awful you are because you don't want him to go out? My kids do that sometimes when they don't want to lose face with their friends and I am happy to take the fall for them.

 

[merryweather20]

Why would you think NYE would be any different than any other day he is sharing with his room-mates.

 

[FayeW]

Frankly, Mom, I think you should MYOB about what your adult son does in his own home.

 

[Acklander]

I guess I'm in the minority. Being 21 and wanting a NYE party in your apartment with friends seems like "age appropriate behavior". I know when I was at that age we used to have parties (with or without the excuse of New Years Eve) and go to parties. That's the age when you can get away with being young and irresponsible, and have parties with friends. Real life & responsibilities comes at you fast enough. If I was in the same boat as OP, I probably would have just said "Have fun", but then again, by the time my son was 21 I had long given up on telling him what he can and can't do.

 

[Art 1]

My Son is also 21 and away at school. We often remind him of the same thing as did we our older daughter. You did the correct thing. Even though he is 21 our Son has been raised to listen to his parents and consider our advice, doesn't matter how old he is.

 

[AshleyW]

I guess I'm in the minority. Being 21 and wanting a NYE party in your apartment with friends seems like "age appropriate behavior". I know when I was at that age we used to have parties (with or without the excuse of New Years Eve) and go to parties. That's the age when you can get away with being young and irresponsible, and have parties with friends. Real life & responsibilities comes at you fast enough. If I was in the same boat as OP, I probably would have just said "Have fun", but then again, by the time my son was 21 I had long given up on telling him what he can and can't do.

She said she didn't have a problem with her son drinking. What she had a problem with is the fact that there would be minors there (in his apartment) drinking, as well.

OP, I think you did the right thing. I'm 22 and my mom still lets me know what she thinks about some of my decisions. She's not pushy, but she does let me know how she feels, and I appreciate it. It's nice to see things from a mom's angle sometimes.

 

[Tuffcookie]

For those that feel the OP should butt out of her adult son's life, did you not read the part where she is footing the bill?

And it's not like she forbade him from having the party, she gently reminded him of possibile consequences, like a caring parent would.

TC

 

[Acklander]

For those that feel the OP should butt out of her adult son's life, did you not read the part where she is footing the bill?

And it's not like she forbade him from having the party, she gently reminded him of possibile consequences, like a caring parent would.

TC

yes, I did read the part where she's footing the bill. Just giving my opinion that I didn't think a 21 year old kid having a NYE party was that big of a deal.

Like I said, I realize I'm in the minority here, but a 21 year old college kid having a party doesn't seem that unusual to me and not worth being "extremely disappointed in someone" and "a very, very bad choice".

Just my opinion

 

[Tuffcookie]

We can agree to disagree!

I feel close enough to my sons (ages 36 & 18) to express my feelings. Does that mean I don't respect their right to make their own decisions? No...I'm just being a mom!

TC

 

[merryweather20]

We can agree to disagree!

I feel close enough to my sons (ages 36 & 18) to express my feelings. Does that mean I don't respect their right to make their own decisions? No...I'm just being a mom!

TC

Reminding him to avoid underagers at the party was fine. Telling him he made a "poor decision" was not.

 

[Tuffcookie]

merryweather20:

Repeating: We can agree to disagree!

TC

 

[Princess_Nikki]

Here is the short version...

I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so awful about it?

Karen

Yep, being a GOOD parent always has moments like these. You did great Karen!
It can really stink, but your DS knows you love him!
I hope I can be this diligent and wise when my children are older! I feel bad enough on most days and my oldest is 3!