I did the right thing but feel like crap......

[merryweather20]

merryweather20:

Repeating: We can agree to disagree!

TC

We're not agreeing to disagree... you're missing the point.

There simply isn't "a poor decision" here. He is already at school with the same friends for much of the year. New Year's Eve doesn't mae a difference.Reminding him of the issues is good. Telling him he made a poor decision for , doesn't work out.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Excuse me, having a party where you are serving alcohol to underage persons is a bad decision!

And when your parents are already picking up the tab for your life style, then they have a right to voice their opinion.

TC

 

[merryweather20]

Excuse me, having a party where you are serving alcohol to underage persons is a bad decision!

And when your parents are already picking up the tab for your life style, then they have a right to voice their opinion.

TC

He hasn't had any such party. It would have been a poor decision if it was in the past tense but it was not. According to the son, he wasn't even serving alcohol at the party. Mom made alot of assumptions, then berated him. Not OK

 

[Tuffcookie]

Whatever!

So I guess we disagree to disagree!

TC

 

[barkley]

Here is the short version....

We have 2 DSs in different colleges, both home on break. The oldest is 21. He shares an apt with 4 guys off campus (about 90 minutes away). There is nothing going on around here for NYE so last night he said he and some friends may go to the apt for NYE and spend the night.

The trouble with this is there will more than likely be drinking which is okay. He waited until he was 21 and no one would be driving. HOWEVER-there will be kids there that are under 21.

I just spoke to DS a few minutes ago explaining all the the consequences if police would come and there were minors. I told him I felt it was a very very poor choice and the consequences far outweighed the fun. I also said I would be extremely disappointed if he went through with this. I explained many things to him such as $$ for fines, having a record, how we are paying for his insurance, a place to live, etc so even though he is an adult, he still needs to follow our rules at home. Also, I explained, if everyone would be 21 or over I would no way be having this conversation.

He tried to make some excuses and said we don't have to have alcohol. I asked how he can honestly tell a large group of kids not to drink in a college apt alone.

I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so awful about it?

Karen

op-i applaud you for making him aware.

if it had been me, i would have taken it a step further and pulled out his college's behaviour code to review with him the rules/consequences he might not remember agreeing to when he enrolled. dh goes to college and the behaviour code for his is pretty standard-despite an act occuring off campus (including a student living off campus in non campus housing), despite the absence of an actual arrest or conviction occuring, any student egaging in illegal behaviour is subject to academic action up to and including university expullsion.

for those that don't think college pursue this-they do, and with regards to the 21 year olds hosting parties where under 21 year olds or minors may be present and have access to alcohol, they DEFINATLY do (it's gotten to a point where individual programs within the college have enacted stricter behavior codes than the university's such that your mere presence at a party where alcohol is being served is a basis for removal).

definatly not a good thing to have your college record reflect you were so much as reprimanded for a violation of the behavioral code.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Aww Karen, you totally did the right thing.

 

[Green Tea]

I am in a similar position as mom of a college kid. I would have cringed at the planning of the party, but I think I would 'know' it wasn't any different than any other night with a house full of college boys.

I think we do the best we can in raising and teaching and hoping. But once they are on their own, they really are.

 

[Mermaid02]

You didn't do anything wrong- but he already knew all of that.

My dd who is 20 went to a party last night I made her take our car so she wouldn't be dependent on anyone to drive her and she was home a half hour BEFORE curfew! The roads were bad here last night too....

 

[orlandothebeagle]

I think you done the right thing, but At that age I was married bla bla bla so find it diff that you still feel the need to advise you son how to conduct himself.(esp when he seems so sensible) I truly hope he doesnt hold is against you, maybe if you didnt pay the bills you would not have to worry about him being responsible for his actions( which by the way seem fine to me)

 

[orlandothebeagle]

You didn't do anything wrong- but he already knew all of that.

My dd who is 20 went to a party last night I made her take our car so she wouldn't be dependent on anyone to drive her and she was home a half hour BEFORE curfew! The roads were bad here last night too....

A curfew, at 20 years of age, sorry but I didnt need or was subjected to curfews at 20.

 

[KarenB]

Thanks for all your replies and opinions. I understand that at 21, he should be responsible for his own actions. 99% of the time,we let him live and learn on his own, make mistakes, fail, and learn from it. However, when it comes to the law, I do feel I need to share my opinion. I know I have often thought, "my word the things I did at that age"........ But, this is a different world we live in. Police don't brush underage drinking or providing alcohol to minors under the rug like they once did when I was that age.

As I stated in the original post, if all the kids were going to be 21, then by all means have a blast!!! But DH and I are supporting him as he goes through college and with the major he is in, he would be immediately be out the door if he was charged with serving minors. If he was living on his own and supporting himself, then that is a whole different ballgame.

We talked about it later, he told me he understands and chose another option for last night.

 

[Mermaid02]

A curfew, at 20 years of age, sorry but I didnt need or was subjected to curfews at 20.

My house, my car, my rules.

There's a lot of back story here too........ but no need to go there.

 

[pigletgirl]

As tough as it is to say that, its better that it comes from YOU and not the COURT. Your his mom, and you're saving his hiney! Good job!

 

[bjscheel]

At the law office where I work, we are probating the estate of a 20 year old girl (all-American 4-H type). She was a pedestrian hit by a (hit and run) drunk driver. The drunk driver came from a college party that included under 21's. All of the hosts of the party were then involved in criminal and civil trials that drug out over 3 years and are paying judgments of $2000-$15,000 depending on level of involvement (not to mention attorney fees).

So was the party worth it for them? I doubt it! In hindsight maybe they wish their parents had talked them out of it.

 

[Art 1]

At the law office where I work, we are probating the estate of a 20 year old girl (all-American 4-H type). She was a pedestrian hit by a (hit and run) drunk driver. The drunk driver came from a college party that included under 21's. All of the hosts of the party were then involved in criminal and civil trials that drug out over 3 years and are paying judgments of $2000-$15,000 depending on level of involvement (not to mention attorney fees).

So was the party worth it for them? I doubt it! In hindsight maybe they wish their parents had talked them out of it.

Thanks for pointing out a real life case of what can and does really happen.

 

[mamacatnv]

OP I hear you loud and clear. My DH is 20 and lives in off campus student housing that we pay for. We really don't butt in much, but we can still offer our advice and suggestions. I know he drinks occasionally as do his friends. I have enough concerns with him going to parties let alone hosting one. One of the reasons we like the housing he is in is because a party with underage drinking would be shut down in a quick minute and there would be consequences to him the tenant. I also know that this behavior goes on all year, not just on NYE. DS has a good head on his shoulders, but last night I still sent him the following message:

"I know you already know this, but just a reminder. Do not drink and drive, not even one drink. Do not hesitate to call us if you need a ride and do not get into a car with someone who has had a drink. If you decide to drive, be very aware of those around you. Have fun and be smart we love you"

His reply: "I've already arranged to spend the night and I am taking the campus shuttle"

Yes, they are "adults" and I am one who thinks the 21 years to drink is stupid, however the law is the law and often our young adults do not totally comprehend the consequences of their actions. IE the increase in MY insurance premiums, the loss of their drivers license, the misdemeanor on his record etc....

When I was that age I had never heard of an MIP and I lived in a state that had a 21 age limit (back in the day some states were still 18). Recently a friend of DS's was pulled over in front of the dorms, she was the designated driver and had 3 underage drunk passengers in the car. The 3 were all cited for Minor in Consumption. Now, while I do not agree with this practice, I do understand it is the law and therefore I am always warning DS. He of course was furious. In his mind his friends had all done it "right" with the Designated Driver, getting college students to understand that law enforcement is looking to bust them for MIP is a whole nother subject. They view it as dumb and they do have the attitude of "everyone does it" whats the big deal as long as we don't drive.

 

[orlandothebeagle]

My house, my car, my rules.

There's a lot of back story here too........ but no need to go there.

I totaly respect you, but my mum and dad trusted me and did not control me even although I lived with them in "there" house and drove there car. But dif folks dif strokes. and like you say I know nothing about your family.

 

[Mermaid02]

I totaly respect you, but my mum and dad trusted me and did not control me even although I lived with them in "there" house and drove there car. But dif folks dif strokes. and like you say I know nothing about your family.

Didn't you say you were married at 20?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I totaly respect you, but my mum and dad trusted me and did not control me even although I lived with them in "there" house and drove there car. But dif folks dif strokes. and like you say I know nothing about your family.

Wow, that is a skillful backhanded swipe.

I don't know where you are (in US or elsewhere) but recently the courts have been increasingly faulting parents for their children's behavior. In the OP's case, since she is paying his way any half good lawyer could argue she is responsible for anything that goes on in 'her' apartment since she pays the bills. After that, it would be easy to prove she knew it before hand and allowed it and is therefore partially criminally liable for it. Not only that but then they could sue in civil court for financial damages. If you don't believe me you should start reading the papers. These days parents are going to jail for their kids' bad decisions.

Its a shame we can't let our kids just run out and do normal dumb kid things anymore, but that just isn't the world we live in, as long as parents are liable they really do have to speak up... unless they wouldn't mind losing their house or going to jail.

 

[DawnCt1]

I know I did the right thing, but why do I feel so awful about it?

Karen

You should feel fantastic about it. Consider how you would feel if you kept those thoughts and that good advice to yourself and something went wrong. He may never acknowledge it, but that little talk may have kept him from a bad decision. Besides, I don't think "males" complete their neuron connections and are actually mature until they are 25.