I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[claudia]

Hang in there! Just remember the world is a bright happy place and while you can't see it right now, there is something bigger and better waiting for you out there. You'll find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Life is your oyster - Let him have the other girl and go get the guy you don't have to CHANGE!

very well put....exactly what I was going to offer.

 

[KristiKelly]

I can't offer anymore advice than what's already been said.

Good luck to you.

 

[budbeerlady]

It sounds like things are getting clearer for you. Best wishes and hopefully in time you can be friends.

 

[ericamanda01]

I know it doesn't feel like it, but I bet in a couple of weeks you are going to be really excited about your future. It's going to feel like a fresh start for you!

This is just what I was oing to say!

 

[dis-me]

Hi OP, it is horrible that you're going through this, believe me, as I've said, it's all too familiar.

Just wanted to tell you something and - and obviously, I'm not telling you this to gloat, but to show you that things get better, and they get better quicker than you'd think.....

So ex-BF broke up with me on a Sunday 2 weeks ago after 5 years. I was destroyed, seriously inconsolable - I could barely get out of bed.
So here I am, at the 2 week or so mark and here is a run down of my day...

Woke up this morning really tired because I'd been out for a brilliant night with my work colleagues last night.
Went to work, have been working my behind off as it's so busy - someone told me what a great job I've been doing and that I'll go far.
Read some emails to some friends I havent seen for 15 or so years, who I tracked down recently.
A gorgeous guy that I vaguely knew emailed me and said he'd really like to take me out - not once, but twice, because I wasn't quick enough to respond the first time!
I am leaving work early this afternoon to pick up my brand new convertible, with my two sisters who I totally adore.
Then a friend is cooking dinner for me and we're going to have a drive in the new car, maybe watch some tv, do some shopping.....

So I promise you OP, you will feel better, if you'd have told me two weeks ago that I'd be where I am today, I wouldve thought you were totally crazy!

Please feel free to PM me, I really really feel what you're going through and I want you to know that it will get better!!!

 

[singingpixie]

So I'm becoming more and more ok with this as time goes by... I'm still sad and feeling loss, but I'm also feeling a lot of relief too. I had sort of accepted that I was going to be in an unhappy marriage, but figured that was what was meant to be because I loved him. It is sort of comforting to know that since this is ending amicably, there's a good chance we can still be friends eventually.

I feel kind of bad though, because it seems like a lot of the stuff we've accumulated is going to end up staying with me while he's sort of starting over. The dog was obvious- he said she was staying with me to begin with, because he was always more about the fun and not so much about remembering to feed her, take her to the vet, etc. The car we share was always in my name, and I'm the one with the full-time job to be able to make the payment and the insurance, so I guess that's an easier one too. His parents are working on getting him a cheap used car.

The house though is what I feel guilty about. He's volunteering to move out, and I don't want to leave, but I feel badly because I think I'd have an easier time finding new roommates than he would- he's just a rather strong personality to live with. I don't know where he's going to go. He's also said that he will leave most of the furniture for the time being, and only take what he needs when he does find a permanent place. I suppose we'd reasses when the time came for the rest of the roommates and I to move out of the townhouse- then we'd more permanently divide things up, but until then we'd sort of deal with it on a piece-by-piece basis.

All of this seems ok with him so far, but I wonder if it's because he feels guilty. I don't want to be unfair to him in letting him leave me so much because he was the one to end it. I honestly think I would have done it myself eventually, although I probably would have waited until it was ugly and no where near as amicable. What do you guys think is fair?

 

[rie'smom]

Guilt is a wonderful thing when it works in your favor! You are not being unfair. Stop talking or thinking like that. He DID WRONG-you didn't. He's lucky to still be walking. If your DIS sisters got our hands on him-just trust me. He might have trouble finding a room mate? I wonder why.. maybe because he knows nothing about loyalty or being a friend. Loll around in his guilt-enjoy it.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think what he's suggesting is fair! If it works for you, go for it! Don't waste your energy on guilty feelings, when he's suggesting and is ok with the decisions! Put your energy on more pressing things-- like getting together with your girl friends.

 

[dreamcometrue]

I just found this thread now! So sorry to hear you are going through all this! Don't feel guilty for a second though! Why should you? HE is the one that did this! You shoudln't have to move out...he should! Hope you get everything sorted out! You deserve a lot better than him, and I hope you will find someone that will cherish you and treat you like a princess! Yes, fun is nice, but that's not what it's all about!

 

[CookieGVB]

I haven't read through this whole thread, but my first thought was this:

Marriage isn't always about fun. It's about commitment and responsibilities. Fun is there, but not 24/7. If he's going to give you a "We must have fun within a week...Go!" directive now, imagine what it will be like later on...

I'd take this time to consider taking a giant step back and reviewing if he really is the one for you.

Sorry you've been hit with this.

 

[Keli]

Honestly, If I were in your place I would be concerned with doing things in an honorable way. I would want to look back and feel good about myself and what I'd done. I'd basically give him whatever he was willing/able to take.

Obviously he's not able to pay for the car so he's not able to take that. He's not willing to take care of the dog properly (or maybe not able either, vet bills can be high) so he's not taking him/her. Let him have all the furniture he wants and just do without and slowly replace whatever he takes.

I would stay in the house though. If he has a very 'strong' personality and has trouble finding roomates then this is an excellent time for him to work on his people skills. I would not let my foundation of friends/home be pulled out from under me right now if I were you. Especially over guilt that you shouldn't be feeling in the first place. You are being kind and fair and understanding.

Keep your chin up. You're obvously made of tough stuff and you're walking through tough times amazingly well.

 

[HunnyPots]

I had sort of accepted that I was going to be in an unhappy marriage, but figured that was what was meant to be because I loved him.

Sweetie, that is just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
If you were my daughter, I'd beg you to talk to a counselor and find out WHY you were so willing to throw away your happiness and settle for a bad marriage. Please consider it...

 

[shortbun]

Seems like you've really come to some good conclusions here. You have truly learned something about yourself. Move forward. Keep whatever he leaves IF and only IF you want it. Put yourself in charge of feeling good and NEVER settle again. Kiss a lot of frogs but recognize them for what they are. A GOOD marriage is hard enough, a bad one is excruciating agony. Be happy!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your guy sounds like he needs to grow up and find his own way.
It will help him in the long run, so don't worry.

 

[Poohbear123]

Sweetie, that is just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
If you were my daughter, I'd beg you to talk to a counselor and find out WHY you were so willing to throw away your happiness and settle for a bad marriage. Please consider it...

I agree and I was in a Bad Marriage for 5 years, cried at my own Wedding too, and he was very abusive. But all of that is behind me now, 25 years later, and I am OK, been with present DH for 23 years!

 

[LiteBrite]

So I'm becoming more and more ok with this as time goes by... I'm still sad and feeling loss, but I'm also feeling a lot of relief too. I had sort of accepted that I was going to be in an unhappy marriage, but figured that was what was meant to be because I loved him. It is sort of comforting to know that since this is ending amicably, there's a good chance we can still be friends eventually.

Meg, stop everything right now and think about what you've said here. Please, please tell me that you'll never allow yourself to feel this way again. If this statement still seems ok to you, then you don't need to allow yourself into any relationship again until you get this worked out.

You never have to settle, and it's not ok for you to go into what's destined to be an unhappy marriage (or even an unhappy dating relationship!) just because you love someone. This is a recipe for disaster, both for you and for the other people who love you. Your family would have to watch you living this nightmare, and the ones who would be hurt the most would be any children you might have.

About the things you have to divide with him - everything is just fine the way it is. You no longer have to mother him. He can find his own way. It sounds like since your name is on the car and he doesn't want to take care of the dog, the only thing that's in question is who's going to move out, and it's high time for him to grow up and responsibility for himself. Let him have his furniture if he comes back for it, but you stay in the apartment.

 

[kristen821]

If he wants to leave it let him and don't feel guilty about it. He probably doesn't have anywhere to put it right now anyway. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[singingpixie]

Sweetie, that is just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
If you were my daughter, I'd beg you to talk to a counselor and find out WHY you were so willing to throw away your happiness and settle for a bad marriage. Please consider it...

To HunnyPots and all who cited this,
Trust me, I know this is not ok. It was more of a subconscious thing that I'm realizing consciously now and I realize how absurd it is. I was just illustrating how I probably would have ended things myself before we ever went through with the wedding, as things like that sunk in. The thing with this relationship is that it went from good to crappy very slowly, so I adjusted to the gradual changes rather than realizing that things weren't going in a good direction- it was changing so slowly that I didn't realize the magnitude of things. I kept seeing little problems that could be fixed, rather than the big picture, and I kept making excuses for him to buy time so that I could try to "fix" the problems. In hindsight though, it's amazing I didn't see it sooner- friends, acquaintences, everyone was saying that this wasn't good. And even my mom thought it, though she bit her tongue at the time- and she's 400 miles away and only sees him a couple times a year, and I thought I was being good about only telling her the good stuff.

Oh, and in any case, I don't plan on being in another relationship for a while. (I had a dream last night that I was kissing a friend of mine, and in the dream I had just broken up w/ Steve so I assume the timeline was similar to real life- I about had a panic attack in the dream, lol, because I know that's not what I need). I tended to be a serial relationship person in high school and college, so I've never really been single. I've got to learn to be self-sufficient and how to love someone as an equal, not just in a sort of "mothering" way.

 

[Missy Mouse]

I've got to learn to be self-sufficient and how to love someone as an equal, not just in a sort of "mothering" way.

Nope, you I have to learn how to love yourself first, and then work on figuring out why it is you feel the need to be in relationships with broken men you feel you need to fix up. You are learning that you can't change anyone, they are who they are...so next time around, make sure you're enthralled with your new sweetie because once the new wears off everyone slowly morphs into their true personalities. The person you meet at the beginning might be as good as you'll ever get it - make sure it's everything you've awnted.

 

[minkydog]

Oh, and in any case, I don't plan on being in another relationship for a while. I tended to be a serial relationship person in high school and college, so I've never really been single. I've got to learn to be self-sufficient and how to love someone as an equal, not just in a sort of "mothering" way.

This is a very smart statement. I think you will find that being self-sufficient will make you more confident and more attractive to the kind of man you'd want as a husband. Really! My DH has told me before that the thing that attracted him the most was the knowlege that I was perfectly capable of managing my own life, and that I CHOSE to join with him. We weren't together for any other reason.

You have grown and matured in a short time here. I think you will be just fine. And eventually you will find a mate who is your equal, who loves you to death, and wants to be with you forever. Give it time. you'll see